Lynn and Julie ... I jumped to page 4 without coming to page 3 ... I do that a lot, lol.

Lynn, thank you for sharing how your perfectionism worked ... and letting me know I'm not alone. I think that's one of the hardest things for me ... this feeling of "aloneness."

I'll try to explain that as I answer Julie's questions.

As far as my family ... my biological father died when I was 19 years old. Funny, I cried for one day and then I went right on with my life. Didn't mourn or grieve much. I now know why. In fact, up until the time of my father's death I'd go to bed many nights praying and hoping I'd wake up in the morning from the nightmare of my life. Of course, the idea of abuse was so far "out there" back then (the 60's) that it wasn't even on the radar scope. Retrospectively, I understand now that once he died, I felt safe. He never expressed any love or affection for me and pretty much believed I was a tramp. I think I've come to understand that, although the sexual abuse stopped when I was probably 10 or 11 (only because my cousin moved in with us and I subsequently, in later years, discovered my father was having an affair with her right in our home) -- my father considered me damaged goods. What I learned (subconsciously) was that love equaled sex and thus discovered why sex became very important to me. Anyway, shortly after my father died, I married a man who was just as verbally and emotionally abusive as my father -- gee, I felt right at home. And he withheld sex as punishment.

The first time my mother told me she loved me was when I was 31 years old. She'd moved to AZ and I'd followed (after a divorce) and for 20 years we had a good relationship. I think I didn't feel free to remember because I couldn't face my mother once I knew. My younger sister had tried to talk to my mom about some "issues" and my mother denied everything ... EVERYTHING. It's a family tradition ... denial and secrets. So, it wasn't until after she died that it was safe to remember. It's amazing ... I'd been in counseling off and on, both professional and with my pastors, and ultimately it always came down to the possibility of me being sexually abused. That thought was so foreign and horrifying, I would leave the counselor. That's why, when it finally came up, I knew it was true.

As far as doctors go ... while I'm still in touch with my doctor in AZ, my insurance prohibits me from seeing a doctor there and a doctor here -- has to be one or the other. I'm fortunate in a way ... I have some heart problems, otherwise I wouldn't be seeing a military doctor but would've been forced to see a German doctor. I did that once, regarding some of those neurological issues that were a result of my stroke and it wasn't a pleasant experience. I may try to see the military doctor ... who really is a wonderful man, just not very familiar with psychological issues, and see if he might have a suggestion on something that can help with the panic/anxiety attacks. By the way, the clonazepam was substituted for alprazolam because the military decided that only a psychiatrist could prescribe alprazolam ... but I'm not eligible to see a military psychiatrist.

The other thing that happens is that when the anxiety is really bad, I fall. It usually starts with balance problems ... I sort of "list" to the left. This happened prior to my stroke (diagnosed as a "stress-induced" stroke). If it continues, then I will suddenly, with no warning, just fall to the floor. I feel as if I have no balance whatsoever and unless I'm by a chair or a table, I just fall to the floor. I've had lots of test because of that and some other things like numbness in my hands and fingers ... had one of the top neurologists both in AZ and in Germany look for a possible diagnosis of MS but while the symptoms are similar, they don't believe it is MS. Of course, they don't know what it is either. Quite frustrating. Along with that as the stress and anxiety increase, my short term memory decreases, I get double or blurred vision, and my speaking becomes thick ... it's as if I'm drunk. (Figured I'd tell it all although I certainly don't expect a diagnosis, Julie. Heck, the doctors have been trying to figure all this out for years, i.e., the possibility of MS, etc.)

Coming to Germany on a permanent basis was something I hadn't planned on doing. My marriage was in BIG trouble and my husband and I thought the time apart might be good for us. LOL. As soon as he left all I wanted to do was be with him. I'd originally planned on coming over here every couple of months and then returning to AZ every couple of months. Leaving my daughter, and particularly my two grandkids (whom I've been close to since they were born) was devastating. And the first couple of months were horrible. But I also saw a change in my marriage. To be honest, the panic attacks were worse in AZ ... my daughter and grandkids came to live with me because I was such a mess (falling a lot, etc.) (took me several months to actually move to Germany). Anyway, things continued to get better but recently (the last three months) the panic and anxiety have begun to periodically overwhelm me. Not sure why.

And I don't speak German nor do I have any real friends here. But then, I don't have any close friends anywhere. When I've had close friendships with women they've ended up badly ... almost a replay from when I was in school. And most women I've tried to be friends with have minimized some of my issues when I shared them and kind of "pooh poohed" them away. I guess that's why I feel as if I've found something special here.

My greatest love is writing. And I suppose you will be surprised when I tell you my first book (contemporary suspense) is soon to be released (end of July). I write for an online ezine and a quarterly magazine -- travel columns, where I can use my second love -- photography. You'd think I'd be on cloud nine, huh? I expect the galley proofs any day and then I'll be involved in marketing the book.

I also have the opportunity to see some of Europe and have been to Poland, France, Venice, and Ireland. I love it ... as long as I'm with my husband. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and I have those balance and falling problems I talked about. Still, I truly love the opportunity to be here.

I'll check with my doctor here about some medication and maybe I can arrange to talk to a chaplain. They are trained to do some counselling and so that may help me get through the next 9 months before I return to AZ permanently.

I truly believe I've found hope here ... and your response, as well as others, brings me to tears ... to think that people I've never met, haven't even had a chance to know ... have extended their time in reading my rather lengthy posts AND have taken the time to respond.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Blessings, Francine