Jeanne, thanks for answering. I think the hardest thing for me is not knowing why. The only therapy available is with German doctors and I'm not comfortable with that. I currently take welbutrin, buspirone and clonazepam but it was only with the help of my therapist in AZ that we came up with that combination that worked ... at least at the time, so maybe the meds need changing. I guess I keep thinking I can hold on until I return to Arizona permanently in February.

Eagle Heart ... your words truly touched me deeply. Thank you. Another hard issue is that I consider myself a strong Christian with a solid belief in God's unconditional love for me -- and so to be in the shape I'm in (mentally/ emotionally) leads me to question my faith. I know God hasn't abandoned me because He is the reason I keep hanging on. Your post helped and I appreciate your concern.

Thank you for caring.