Thank you kindly, Lynn. I feel that way about your experiences as well (I think I told you that but just in case, I really am).

Thank you for at least attempting to answer this delima, Jeanne.

Julie, your quote, I can definitely relate to the link between childhood trauma and PTSD (and smells). Did you know that the olfactory nerves are the shortest of the sensory nerves, shortest as in they go straight to the processing center of the brain... makes all the sense in the world to me.

quote:
It sounds like you've been in therapy and made some progress there, but I can hear "silent secrets" inbetween your words and the hopelessness that that kind of silence brings
YES! and I'm very tired of the silent secrets! Just to give an idea of how devasting this is and how coping is really a problem:

I flipped/panicked when I saw my grandaughter's grandfather check her pamper. He, like any parent, pulled her pamper aside and stuck his finger 'there.' My 'brain' automatically told me that he is a pervert and to kill him. Of course I regained myself immediately and brushed it off as a panick attack. This is NOT healthy though. What if I cant do that all of the time? I know where this came from. I was very young when my father did these 'things' and can recall how he made everyone around him think that he was 'normal'.

My father must have appeared to be just a loving father with his daughter sitting on his shoulders walking around. What they dont know is how he would occassionally reach back and feel my private while he toted me on his shoulders whistling, 'My Cheri Amore.' To date, when that song plays, I panick. This was in a beautiful country setting where scents of flowers, specifically honeysuckle, permeate.

These memories obviously cant be undone. I'm the last boomer age range and the stinch is still heavy in my nostil, my mind. What I learned in therapy is a technique called, '123'. When I feel like I'll panick/dissociate, I am to count (in my head) at least one, then two...three things that I can hear, touch and smell over and over until I'm grounded again.

How that affects me in a professional setting is just pure evil! Whatever it is that I was doing is gone by now. I could be in the middle of a statement or thought contribution and suddenly have to do this secret counting. Doesn't work while you're trying to work. You look fickle or worse when you just stop talking and can't recall the original thought process. I know what's happening but just cant say it. I feel doomed most of the time which equals 'looking' lazy with so many skills...just wasting away.

[ June 05, 2005, 05:45 AM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]