Lynn,
The word "normal" has always scared me, and it still makes me ache somewhere deep inside my being. I haven't got a clue what "normal" is. From as far back as my memory goes, I've never known what it feels like to feel "normal". And I've never been able to figure out how to get there.

Until my husband managed to convince me, simply by staying long enough, that he loved me and would never leave (substitute "abandon" if you want to), I never truly felt I belonged anywhere. Even with a profound spirituality that has been innately part of me since early childhood, and a profound love for who I believe to be God, there have only been a few rare and glorious moments when I felt I might possibly belong in His presence. It's been my life-long struggle to dare to believe that I do, and so I continue to come into His presence, trusting that if I didn't belong there, He'd somehow find a way to let me know, knowing it wouldn't take much for me to get the message.

Still, the one and only place in the world that I know with certainty I belong is in my husband's arms. And that's it. (BWS is running a close and unprecedented second, though)

"Normal" scares me. It makes me ache. It seems so unattainable and elusive, and yet necessary to be able to function "out there". But just when I think I might be getting closer, the "rules" change and it's another hundred mile trek through the desert or another endless mountain to climb to find anything inside of me that comes close to matching "normal".

I think a few devastating breakdowns and chronic fatigue made me finally give up trying. I can only be me. It's not and never will be "normal", and I'm still as much a misfit as ever, but it's a lot less exhausting being an authentic misfit than trying to keep up the pretense of being normal, whatever that is...still haven't figure it out. I'm interested in hearing other women here speak about it.