Good point, Smilize. .If Passive Aggression had a voice it might be something like this: "If I sit here long enough without acting, I won't have to deal with the anxiety/uncertainty of doing whatever it is I don't want to do." The added payoff is that the P/A partner gets angry. The passive-agressive person then feels like a victim. (A typical thought: "See? How can I possibly do anything, when I'm living with such a demanding person!")

Interesting point that passive aggression has gotten more prominent among men--and more prevalent as we've gotten more sedentary. Men typically need more processing time to sort out feelings--John Gottman, a marriage researcher, found that men usually get flooded with symptoms of high stress/distress when in conflict. Heart rate, blood pressure, rate of breathing, all soar, and males need to get away to find their equilibrium. Women, on the other hand, (although most of of don't like conflict) show physical signs of lower stress. Our heart rate and bp rates go down. It's as though we're thinking, "Oh, good! We're getting this out in the open. Now we can problem solve-" only to realize that our partner has disappeared into the study or the world of television or something else. We tend to take that as a sign of rejection. I find that when couples respect these physiological differences, they get better at problem solving and are generally happier.

We're psychologizing a lot here, but it goes back to the issues raised in this month's forum, and the general theme of my book: It's life-giving to rest, to find solitude, to cherish ourselves, live with faith in God's wisdom and in our own honorable intentions. We don't have to work so hard at life! And, at midlife, we can take on the rich challenge of setting ourselves free of pre-fabricated expectations.