Well, Chickadee, I really don't know what to say about the minister. I'm not sure if he's just not interested or if he's just being 'respectful' while he deals with some issues he mentioned. However, it's been a few days since I last spoke with him.

To some of the BoomerWomen's credit, I've just relaxed and not really asked him or pursued the issue. I do have to admit that my 'worldly' mind has been inclined to call him vs. letting him do the work it takes to find his own queen...but I haven't.

I would like to think that this 'ignorance' has made me sad, but, Dotsie mentioned something about a 'gut' feeling in her post to this subject once. Since I was also feeling 'something' about him, I was scared to inquire and I did the typical human deed, ignored it.

So, all of the soap opera viewers will have to wait like I will. There is 'something' about him that I really can't place my finger on. Maybe it's not for me to do as of yet, if ever. Maybe God is sparing me and that is why I haven't heard from him. Maybe there are too many maybes for me to 'worry' about.

I did enjoy our conversations. He did introduce some new Godly concepts to me. He was always pleasant and never tried what my 'worldly' dates have, which is to attempt to manipulate me in one way or another. They say that God works in mysterious ways. Maybe God just wanted him to bring me the discomfort of writing what I write. I have not found comfort in it since Dian's issue. I have not found comfort in it since not being able to show him some of my work.

Who can really say why certain people come in and out of our lives?

Now, to mess all of that up, I feel inclined to say this in all honesty.

An 'affliction' of mine called lust crept into my life. Chatty, the one that you scorned and warned me about. JJ, the one you darned near called me a stupid dumb fool for...Smile too...He called. I answered, against my better judgement. Instead of telling him that I no longer have an interest in him, I indulged in conversation that I realized would lead me back to my affliction with him.

That was mistake numeral uno. Someone or something within me spoke up and allowed his destorted view to become my own. I feel sick and sad that I didn't tell him never to call me again. But, truthfully speaking, it was killing me that he had not called me in what I consider, I timely manner. Does it always have to be like that? To want was is not good, so bad?

It's pretty late in the evening and all I can do is think about what will happen 'if' I answer his call again. I'm wondering if my righteous mind will intervene and say "No, you may not come to me and make me feel those wicked ways that left me mesmerized. No! You may not conquer myself in that lust-filled way again! No. Just NO!"

This is bad and I do need prayer because all I want to say is "YES. Defile me. Please do what you are good for and I will deal with my 'soulful' emotional issues, as a result, later."

I need a momma! A God sitting right next to me and a guard to keep my gate closed to this man! A chasity Goddess! Yeah, that's the one!

I really dislike this part of being single. To have to fight this raging natural feeling is such a chore. I know the women that are married will probably turn their noses up and think that this couldnt possibly be a 'real' issue. However, it is. Please don't forget it either.

Sugaree

[ October 09, 2004, 03:52 AM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]