Today, for whatever reason, my mind wandered perilously close to an altered state ( I know cause I've been there prior). I stayed gounded by writing non-stop.

However, during this preventative 'method', I realized that I put men into categories from my childhood experiences.

Categories:

Daddy--those men remind me of him in some way. I either run fast or take on the challenge with a vengence (used to, maybe subconciously). Easy target for a woman that has not established in her mind that her 'incestrous' relationship was not the fault of her own.

Step-daddy--those men are usually rich and willing to 'buy' their way verses charming and courting, if they even have the ability to do so.

Ex-abusive husband--those are easy targets since I know what makes them tick. I love making those type feel like 'sh*t' before tossing to them to 'a bottomless pit' of shame and searching for their own beginning to their voilent behavior. (that's usually done by luring them in, then gradually breaking them off)

Ex-lover--those are game players that a woman has already mastered but tucked away deep somewhere.

The One--those I can't have because I've been so damaged dealing with those others from childhood to date.

This made me so sad. I realized that it's beyond what I can handle. This pain is so deeply embedded that if I really wanted to love, I wouldn't trust that man, nor myself. I wanted to cry as the thoughts passed through, but, I was a big girl. I didn't.