Eagle, your response got me thinking in a different way, you are inspirational as usual and I gain alot reading your posts
. Jabber, thanks for jumping in when you did....it still means alot when you lasses get behind me and nudge me up the steep hill step by step. I am doing way better than when I first posted re what is up.
We had a family consultation yesterday when my fav sis came to me in Belfast for a visit and to have a chat wwith my Doctor. Sharon was realy worried that she would say the wrong thing and upset me badly and through out the meeting, she would shoot me a tenative glance waiting for me to kick off. It didn't happen and Sharon was genuine, honest and concerned...she also was able to tell the doc that my behaviour has been like this from adolescence..I was shocked again listening to the details of some incidents; stuff that I have blocked out or just simply forgotten. All in all, it was a huge step for me to allow Sharon to say her peice and do you know what? She stood up for me when the horrors of the past were brought up. I have been needing that kind of sincere aknowledgement for a lifetime and she was amazing
I was and am still feeling the gratitude and the proud feelings after the session that both she and I experienced. I crumbled in her hug and cried like a nipper. Things just fell into place the more Sharon spoke freely and without concern for a backlash from me.
I am still poorly but things are slowly comming back together. I was put on a medicine that had the very side effects as the same things which were already in my head, thoughts that I haven't experienced in a very long time, they suddenly grew horns and had all these old memories of self harm yapping at my feet. I gave my word that I would always speak about any impulsive thoughts loaded with danger if it becomes bigger or the thoughts completly head of in the wrong direction.
I am very tired, lonesome and lost. My fear runs riot even without external or situational things, I would also love to be able to hang my hat on the 'it's organic' peg and not something situational.
All I ask is that you ladies hold me close in prayer until I can see the day comming away from the shadows of the night.

Poppie.xx