Having just gone through this three times in less than eight years, I'll share my hard-learned experience. Dad was adament about not having a funeral, so we didn't...Mom couldn't handle it anyway, but we did compromise somewhat by having a wake at the funeral home. That ended up being a beautiful gathering, especially when hundreds of Dad's former students and colleagues as well as old friends from various places we had lived showed up to show their respects. Mom was flabbergasted by the crowd, and we realized afterward that we should have had a funeral.

When Mom died, she had just moved to Ottawa and didn't know anybody here and nobody here knew her. So again, we just had a small wake service at the funeral home, brought in pictures and stories. More people showed up than expected, and it was a lovely gathering.

But about a year later, I went through a phase where I really needed closure and wanted to do a joint memorial service for both of them. My brothers didn't want it, out of respect for both parents' wishes to not have anything formal. So I dropped the idea.

When Gary died, I knew I needed a funeral. I'm so glad we did. Again, hundreds of people came and it was a beautiful ceremony. Lots of Gary-stories had us laughing and crying. It was expensive (funerals usually are), but we were all very glad we did it. We had my church minister (an old friend of the family from way back) perform the ceremony at the funeral home. The going rate for his services was $250, which I thought was reasonable. We just counted it in as part of the cost of the funeral, most of which was covered anyway by my brother's workplace or insurance, I can't remember which....you might need to check into your Dad's finances to see if something in there is available to cover any funeral expenses - here in Canada, many people have insurance or workplace pensions that do cover some of those costs.

I heartily recommend that you go ahead with this funeral/service. We do need closure. It's not unusual that your Mom would be too numb to do anything - that's why people turn to funeral homes, they tend to look after everything.

Our service was very simple. The minister pretty much put it together and then just slotted in whatever we wanted to add - stories, eulogy, music, etc. Do what you feel would best honour your Dad's memory and celebrate his accomplishments and life. Pictures, stories, a favourite hymn or song (though most churches now limit the choice of what can be played during a religious ceremony).

I'm sure others will have ideas and suggestions as well. Good luck, Kate. It sounds like your minister will do a wonderful job - and with him taking control of the service and arrangements, I think his fee is worth it.