Dancer,

Reading your last story was hard for me, because I can't comprehend that much pain. It literally hurt to read of your pain -- I, who was hit bodily by a truck, who almost died, who had cancer. I who lose ~5 days per month due to migraines (and for the record, I'm on my 2nd full day in a row now, which is when the depression kicks in and I start thinking about "If I died, at least maybe the pain would go away.") And even through this pain, I realize that my stuff pales in comparison to yours -- not that either of us really wants a contest.

I didn't say "the life I wanted." I said "reclaimed the life that I had abandoned." Two very different things. You see, when I hit my mid-20's, I ran away from everything I was. Ran away from the achievements that I thought everyone else made too much of. Ran away from the no-achieving people who lived vicariously through me and pretended to be my friend.

I was used to being the lone wolf, and didn't like being on top of everyone's radar screen. So I ran away. Stopped being me. And alternated between anger and depression for many years.

The cancer was my 4th "there but for the grace of God ... could died" gig. And I realized it was time to stop running.

If you have time, read some of the essays on my writing website http://www.meredithlaskow.com which might explain more.