I waited to post Hannelore. Seems as if we have the years when we are "in charge" then the tribe grows.But this woman wanting not to use YOUR tribe name is being passively aggresive.I feel this is a hint of things to come.So I feel you must go to the wedding.Stay together...safety in numbers.
By being so understanding and deep thinking for the first son marriage name you left the portcullis up for this.
The selfish bride is pulling strings...really she should keep her name if she chooses but not at the expense of your sons.
By accepting the invitation to the wedding you are doing the best thing long term.Write a loving letter to your son...have husband sign it and "cleft your troth" to your home unit.
I am behind you ...but even after waiting I would like five minutes alone with the bride to be...
Sorry if I have sounded off...its all so needless.
Mountain ash