I got an email tonight that let me back to this forum and I started reading. Knowing that it was sent to me for a reason, I can write why I am here. In February, my dearest Donnie was to have his gallbladder out and was having some preliminary testing done before his surgery. The doctor called me in and told me that we would have to cancel his surgery and when I asked why he told me he had found a mass in his stomach. I knew then that my life was about to change. Exactly a month later, he began radiation and chemo for 6 weeks, 5 days a week we drove 33 miles one way for his treatments. I traded my car in on an SUV, and learned to navigate the interstate and downtown, rush hour traffic. During those 6 weeks, we juggled school and work schedules, chemo reactions, dry skin, and homework at all hours. When it was over we got the news...the tumor had shrunk enough to do surgery! For 9 hours I walked the floors of the hospital waiting to hear if he had made it through the surgery. It was a delicate operation which would remove part of his stomach, part of his esophagus and finally, his gallbladder. He had tubes everywhere and spent the next 9 days in an ICU like room. I spent 7 of those 8 nights in a very uncomfortable chair beside him.

When he came home I took over 24 hour care. I did feeding tube set ups, dressing changes, medication administration, physical therapy...you name it, I did it. The home health nurse had nothing to do when she came so she stopped coming. We plugged on through more chemo and more setbacks all fall until he just stopped eating entirely. He was maintaining his weight through the feeding tube administration. But he came down with pneumonia, a yearly thing, but he was not able to shake it this time. He spent two weeks in the hospital with lots of bad things happening to him. I tried to tell them how I had taken care of him...they didn't want to hear it. Only when he was really bad, did they want to know what needed to be done and who did it. By then it was too late. I had to make the decision to take him off life support. Was the hardest decision I have EVER had to make. I held his hand as he made that final trip.

So I make it one minute at a time...sometimes that is too much. We had 4 kids between us ranging in age from 28 to 8, three boys and a girl. We had been together for 7 and a half years, actually living together for 4 and a half. He was the love of my life, my other half. I am totally lost without him. He was my heart and soul, my snow driver, my bestest buddy. We were together almost all day every day from February until November. I am the sock left in the dryer that never has a mate. I cant move things around in here, I cant change the bed, I cant even sleep in the bed. I sleep in the recliner.

I know, I know....I need help. But it has only been 4 weeks tomorrow. I have at least done laundry and gone back to work. BTW...I work at the same hospital where he died.

Oh Melissa, this is so sad. I don't know how you are making it, step by step. And to have to go back to work and face people, and make nice. All I can hope for is that there is some support for you in the people that you see day in and day out. Love and Light, Lynn

Melissa, so glad you have come back to "our" place. This is the best group of women I know; who form together a large collective heart. I hope you feel yourself embraced in this circle of friends.

It's good that you let your pain out. It has to be let out to heal. Give yourself time. I think it is good that you still work. Hopefully that will help in the healing process as well.

A friend of mine lost her husband last year. I'd like to share with you how she finds comfort. She visualizes how her husband is just a few steps ahead of her, and how he's gone to that "other" room to be with the Lord. She said, she feels as if the earth is the "waiting room", where she must make the best of it, till her name is called. Knowing that that day will come, and believing she will reunite with her husband again is very real to her, and gives her strength to go on.

"You're just a few steps ahead of me." she told him, just before he died.

I just wanted to share that with you.

You have my deepest sympathies.
Hannelore

God bless you dear Melissa. I hope you come and visit us often and find some comfort in knowing others here have shared your same suffering and we have all been able to move on one day at a time. Having heard it here for the first time, the sentiment that we are just a few steps behind them....Hannelore thats so beautiful and I for one will never forget it.

Melissa, thanks for sharing. Four weeks is such a short period of time...and you have come far. You are working and sharing your pain. With each day, I wish you more baby steps. They will come. If you would like to do things like get the bed changed, sleep in the bed - perhaps we could encourage you to do so. Please tell us what you would like your next step to be and we'll help you make it. We'll meet you where you are and try to move you through.

Do you have family and friends in town?

Please let us keep hearing form you.

Hannelore, what a lovely way to look at it. I totally agree with her thought process. That's the beauty of accepting Christ.

Melissa, I am a widow about 4 1/2 years. I lost my husband in 2 and 1/2 months. I know how hard it is and am hear to talk if you want. We were married 35 years. I still miss him very much. This last year has been a good year for me. Please write and lets talk. Mary

Melissa, we are all here for you. Come by anytime. Four weeks isn't long at all when you are in mourning. I honestly don't know how any company can expect anyone to return to work so soon after loosing a mate to death or divorce. There is just so much emotion and things to take care of. Give yourself time, don't be hard on yourself. You're doing it already, as you said, one minute, one day at a time. Keep coming here, we'll help you thorugh this.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to come here and pour out your heart. We'll be here for you--always.

Melissa, welcome back to a new home, here at the forums. There are so many loving and wise women here, ready to listen and share in your sorrow.

Welcome Mary. Tell us more about yourself, your wonderful life and everything you want.

Hi All, My husband dies May 23, 2002, after a short battle with cancer. We were high school sweethearts and were married 35 years, of that time he spent 23 years in the U S Air Force. We had a wonderful life together and I miss him very much and that will never go away. I have found that time and God heal.

A quote a grief share friend gave me help every day.
Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened. I hope it helps you also.

Welcome Idybug to the BWS forum. Sorry for your loss and I also understand that we move on and go about our lives but a piece of ourselves die with them. It does get better with time and belief in God and the Angels.

ldybug, thanks for jumping in and sharing. Sorry for your loss. Do you recall doing any specific things in the beginning to help with the healing process. Maybe what you did can help others. We have several widows at BWS.

I did a Hospice grief group and meet 3 other widows my age and stayed busy with them for a year. I also did worked with Hospice. I was luckey enough to have lots of friends that cared and stayed in touch with me and kept me busy. The time alone was terrible, I have learned to live alone and am OK now. At times I thought I was going crazy and learned from my Hospice friends, that they were experencing the same things. It took me a good 4 years to find my place. I have gone back to work and meet someone this year and it has been a good year for me. The man I meet is a widower so we can share a lot of things. We both understand and share lots of things together and neither one of us want to forget our spouses and talk about them often. But we are both ready to move on and start a new life.

Melissa...you were strong to take this first step and share your pain. I will add you to my prayer list. Please continue to come to this forum for support. These women are the "best".

Melissa,

my heart goes out for your pain. I wish I could help more.

Dear Melissa, I too am newly lost. My David diagnosed w lung cancer 3/31, did chemo and radiation and lost his battle 7/9, quite unexpectedly as they mis-staged his cancer. I have found strength, love and caring here and work has kept me sane. My local Hospice Grief Support group meetings have been incredibly helpful, we all share the pain of loss and learn coping techniques from each other and feel our feelings freely and cry openly. It helps me heal and ea. day a bit stronger. I don't believe I will ever be free of the pain and sadness but as someone said, one day you'll awake and the sadness won't be the first thing on your mind. Our husbands want us to live our lives.....till we meet again, I too believe they are just steps ahead of us. I feel Dave's guidance and have begun to dream of him sometimes. Come here for love and stay for the friendship and caring friendships. These women have made a huge difference in my life and will wrap their cyber-arms around you. One day at a time dear.....blessings to you.

Cynthia - cynthy

I so remember your pain. I was so lost and confused and just wanted to be alone. Do all the grief groups you can, be sure to share your feelings. I will miss him forever but have started a new life for myself. It feels good to be me again. It was a long journey to get here but be sure you take the time to grief, it is very important to get through the whole process. At times I felt I had gone back and repeated things I thought I had already dealt with. It took me almost 4 years to reach a point I was ready to move into a new life without him. The journey was long for me but I am glad I took the time. This year I have gone back to work and meet a wonderful man. Life is good again. Good luck to all of you and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Melissa,
So sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you found the forum. I lost my husband in Feb of 2004, very suddenly, with no time for goodbyes. I miss him so much some days. It's not unusual to think you've come away from your pain a bit only to fall back into the sadness again. There are bad days and days that are not so bad. Grieving takes as long as it takes. The gals here at BWS have helped me so much and I'm very grateful to them. Come here whenever you need a lift. Just know that you're in our prayers every day.