Hi there, I have suspected my husband has been having an affair and on wednesday of this week I confronted him. He agreed to a divorce on grounds of adultery. However, I heard today that he had filed for a divorce in the court on the same day I spoke to him, but on my unreasonable behavior. I am in complete shock. It is awful to have things made up. I feel like I've been made out to be the bad person who destroyed our marriage, when he had the affair. Any words to help me get through this ?

You file too and be sure you say ADULTERY, don't let this @#$%$#@ get away with anything. He did this to keep the adultery out of the public record so you make sure it gets in. By the way sorry for your situation and welcome to the Boomers. Many here are going through similar things and you'll find plenty of support and comrodery....keep your chin up, it does actually get better with time.

[ January 14, 2006, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

You'd think as many times as I have said this in the forum that I actually LIKE lawyers

but I have to say it again

GET A GOOD LAWYER !!!

With the law - even if you dot your i's and cross your t's -- if you didn't do it the way the judge liked it -- OH WELL !! your scum bag (ooops sorry) "husband" could win.

As far as the emotional side goes -- after you find a good lawyer -- stay away from your "about to be" ex -- have no conversation with him that doesnt include your attorney. The only thing that can come out of contact with him outside a court room is heartache FOR YOU !! If he calls - hang up. If he stops by - close the door. He will turn this around and make you the bad guy if you give him the chance.

And that's something you have to get straight in your mind right now -- YOU ARENT THE BAD GUY HERE

You didnt mention if there are children involved?

Chatty Lady is right -- welcome to the forum and we'll help you through it all

Dear Chatty Lady and Lionspaaw,

Thankyou so much for your reply's. It really helps knowing other people are there to talk to. We don't have any kids - he has been telling me it wasn't a good time with his work - when infact he just wanted them with someone else. I talked to a lawyer, and he says that the only thing I can do is to contest on the grounds of his adultery to get it in the public record, but that the application for a divorce can only be made by one person so now he's done it I cant. I now am liable to all his legal costs. The scum bag earns just under half a million per year, yet I don't have a job. I expect to be forced out of our home. The laws in the UK are not great if you are the dependant and have no kids. I can't believe I married someone so awful.

Emotionally, don't let him put this load on your shoulders. My ex did this too and after I left him, he tried to get me back for two years. If I was so bad, why did he want me back? They can't look at themselves in the mirror so transfer it to our shoulders. But, inwardly don't accept it because he knows the truth deep down.

Can you show that you didn't work because he didn't want you to? I'd let my atty fight it out for me. This is just awful and I know exactly how you feel. It's so painful and the betrayal is difficult to work through but you will come out a stronger woman for it.

[ January 14, 2006, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Dianne ]

Ulaa, so do that, contest on the grounds of his adultery, it is imperative that this be in the divorce records. You have to become a tigeress willing to do almost anything to win, win, win or at least get what is coming to you and ask your lawyer about suing this other woman (trash) for "alienation of affections." My friend did it and got $50,000. settlement. Hey money's money, go for it. You have to take care of #1 and thats you, then, now and always....

[ January 14, 2006, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

At some point in a divorce, no matter how 'civilized' we may set out to be, it all comes down to money and property. I guess when the relationship is over, that' all there is.

No matter who is at fault and no matter how much we just want out, it's imperative that as women, we protect ourselves financially. A woman who makes a home while a man succeeds in a career deserves compensation for that contribution and courts are supposed to recognize that.

I've never taken that advice and always had a good job when I got a divorce. But looking back I can see the wisdom of having a tenacious lawyer and getting what is deserved. A divorce is no time to trust your heart. It's a life event that should be moved from your emotions to your intellect and pursued with wisdom.

Get a good lawyer.

smile

Ulla how are things going for you?

I read recently that women want to be fair but men want to win. So take that statement to heart and be ready adn willing to fight--otherwise you may not have anything when this is over.

Ulla,

I sympathize with you 100% as I am going through a divorce myself and can relate...

I agree with what everyone here has said to you. Divorce and money matters in particular tend to bring out the worst in men - in my humble opinion - and you will not believe how down and dirty things can get with the man you thought you knew. When my husband and I first met we were equals in terms of career status and earning potential. When we decided to start a family we made an oral agreement that I would be the one to give up my career to stay home and raise the children, since he definitely did not see himself as a stay-at-home-dad type, and neither of us wanted to put our children in day care. We did not have much money at the time but we managed to put aside a couple of thousand dollars as a symbolic gesture so that I would not feel totally dependent upon him financially and wouldn't have to ask for money to buy underwear or birthday presents. As it turned out, one of our children was born chronically ill and that pretty much eliminated my ability to work a job outside of the home for a long time; my earning days seemed to be over and that made me nervous but as my son's health was at stake I did not seem to have much choice in the matter and did what had to be done to ensure his survival.

Well, the whole thing backfired on me soon after my son regained his health. The husband had apparently resented my staying at home all those years while he was out earning a living (!), was actually jealous of the children's demands on my time, cheated on me, systematically defrauded me by removing my name from our joint investments, and then filed for divorce himself when I insisted on marriage counseling and subsequent therapy. His attorney had the audacity to claim that I had contributed nothing to the marriage (since I did not work outside of the home) and was therefore not entitled to any monetary compensation. He went so far as to claim that nothing was wrong with our son (I spent several months gathering documentation from the doctors and hospitals to prove otherwise)and is currently fighting to pay little or no spousal support to me. And that is the short version. The girls here know the rest.

My point in rehashing this for you is this: You would think that any normal human being would see the inequity of the situation, but I have been told that the presiding judge in our district is known for being unsympathetic to stay-at-home-moms, and that if we wind up going to court instead of settling, I will not be treated fairly. Who'd have thunk it? I am now 52 years old and never imagined things would turn out this way.

Listen to what these women here are telling you, Ulla. My "pitbull" attorney told me just this week that I can expect to be shafted even if I do get a settlement because the law is still very lopsided when it comes to women's rights, and I will never get what I truly deserve to pull out of the marriage after so many years of sacrifice and loyalty. Divorce is not about being fair. Women want to be fair and men want to WIN. You need to protect yourself. The best piece of advice I ever got was to do your best to separate your emotions from what is going on and treat this law suit like the serious business opportunity it is. There will be plenty of time for tears later. Right now you need to do whatever you can do to fight and make sure you get a favorable outcome since your very survival may depend on it. That does not mean you have to be nasty - it just means you should stand up for what you want and not allow yourself to be intimidated by falsehoods and male posturing...

My very best wishes are with you, and I will pray that you find the physical and emotional strength you need to see this through.

Foundhervoice-atlast

foundhervoiceatlast, thanks for taking the time to share your story again for Ulla's sake. I appreciate it.

How are you hanging in there?

Now some of you in here that boo-hood my advice to everyone happily married now or not to put something away in a private account or your sock, whatever you're comfortable with because none of us knows what will happen down the road with our daring husbands. I have seen far too may women devasted both emotionally and financially when a husband gets itchy feet...They are scoundrels and don't give a hoot about fairness. I received this advice while in my twenties and I followed it faithfully so when I got divorced fourteen years later, I had a nice nest egg for my sons and myself and it was a good thing too because he turned into "MR. POOR" in front of the judge. Any single gals or newly married ones or any of you heed these words or they may come back one day to bite you in the a**!!!

[ January 25, 2006, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I always thought pre-nuptial agreements were a terrible way to start a marriage--not anymore! I will NEVER be caught without again. Chatty is absolutely right!

I did not get married until I was 32 (he was 6 years younger)and my fiancee at the time did ask me to sign a pre-nup before the wedding. I refused because I was such a romantic idealist and felt that it would be the wrong way to start off a new marriage, kind of keeping one eye on its demise, you know? Who wants to think about failure when you have stars in your eyes?

As it turned out, it was a good thing I did not agree to sign it because he recently ran all of our joint resources into the ground (retirement, savings & everything...) and kept a private investment account on the side that he started shortly before our marriage. That he kept it in his name only came as a surprise to me: our agreement had been to merge all of our individual assets and investments into a joint family account when we tied the knot. Over the years he showed me the statements regularly, acting as if the money was joint and the account in both our names. What he failed to divulge was that my name was never put on the account as promised. So had I actually signed that prenup I would not be entitled to one red cent of it now, and he kept that money separate and invested for the last 20 years. At this point it looks like I stand a fairly good chance of being awarded 50% of whatever money has accrued in the account while we were married because we live in an equitable distribution state and the interest/gains in the fund are considered a marital asset. I hope and pray that this is true, because it is all that is left from everything we worked so hard for over the years.

In the unlikely event that I would ever marry again, I would make darned sure that my assets are safe, whether it be in the form of a prenup, or some other vehicle, so that I am never in this awful financial position again.

foundhervoice-atlast

My heart goes out to each of you who've endured so much! I pray the Lord strengthens you physically & emotionally, that you may find peace amidst all this turbulence and remember you are not alone.

It's amazing how ugly what once was love can turn. Hugs!

I emailed Ulaa to see how she is doing. Hopefully she will be back.

To everyone who has been replying, I am so grateful. This whole divorce is so upsetting. Last week my husband wanted to make me an out of court offer, in exchange for him withdrawing his divorce forms and me submitting mine ? - I think my lawyer regarded that as blackmail. Its really been stressing me out. I thought about it as his offer seemed good - but then I have no idea how much he's really worth. I guess it's all going through the courts now and he has to declare all his finances, and I guess this drags an already painful situation out further ?

I am not familiar with your circumstances, Ulaa. Are there children involved?

Hi Bluebird,

No we didn't have children. I guess lots of people will say thats a good thing, but its all I ever wanted. He always promised we would have kids as soon as he felt his business was stable, but then always seemed to be away from home at the right times to get me pregnant. Not having kids is more of a loss than loosing him.

I'm sorry for all you have gone through and are going through. The famous Boomer prayer warriors will help you and we are always here to talk.

I join Bluebird and the other great ladies here in offering you my prayers and support Ulaa...we are all sisters here...stay strong and don't lose hope in the future...

Ulaa, I know the heartache of wanting children and the regret, remorse, anger of not having them, BUT you have to trust that God in His wisdom had the bigger picture. He may have protected your children by not allowing them to be around this person. He may have protected them from the pain of divorce. Trust that in His wisdom there is a reason and believe for a better future.

My husband drug his feet through the whole let-have-a-baby-years. We had one, and I miscarried another and then nothing. He had no interest or desire for more family.

Now 20 yrs. later I have found out he was downloading child porn. Lots of it. He will be sentenced in federal court in April--I HAVE to believe that God in His wisdom protected that second baby--He knew my husband would harm that child. So my child went on to heaven, never felt pain, sorrow or fear.

My God loved me and my child so much that He protected her. There's always a bigger picture. even when we can't see it.

Very wise words Starting over.....

Hey gals from Maryland, question for you. I did get married in Las Vegas 1 and 1/2 years ago and just found out I could get an annulment from the state of Nevada real cheap. But, not sure about that since I sold my townhouse and changed jobs to move in with mr wonderful. He brought up the idea, probably because it would be easier for him. DO you happen to know the laws for divorce in Maryland? I am going to see a lawyer on Tuesday. I just want to check all my options.

Starting Over,

I am amazed at how strong you are becoming and how wise. Jesus must truly have given you a new heart. And it is growing stronger. God is placing a light in your heart and it shines through your words to light the way for others.

The changes I see in your posts are just amazing.

smile

Starting Over, what a mix of emotions you've had to deal with. The love and protective feelings you have for your unborn child are so deep and unselfish. It's beautiful.

Startingover, my heart feels sad and yet happy for you all at the same time. You have endured so much and come through yet strong and able to cope. We are here for you always. You are a lady we can all learn from....

Ulaa, you need to meet Di on this site. She has a web site for childless women.

Starting over, I totally agree with smiles.

God is using you and you are so open to His guidance. It's beautiful.