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Louisa

Thanks girls for your comments. Here is the irony. Afterwards he came to me and was so nice, I snapped. I went on line to check our finances, and I got rubbed the wrong way by a Visa charge of his. I started a huge fight about money. It is as if I started the fight to dispel the harmony because my insecure self could not handle having my emotional needs met. Women friends, can you believe that I put a hand grenade into the peace of the evening and blew it all up and started a war. I was very hurtful to him, which surprised me. I did not know I had the "power" to hurt. At first he raised his voice to meet my yelling. The dog even got involved. She stood between us barking, moving closer to me, as if to protect me. Little dog. Then, even as I was still yelling, I started getting confused about what I was even mad about. Meanwhile, he started lowering his voice. He'd say, "You know, I really don't deserve this. Do I deny you anything?" And I could not answer. I had no answer. I went to bed and couldn't sleep because I felt so bad about what I had done, sabotoging the harmony. Maybe when I am 100 I'll finally get it... just to give and receive love, no strings or judgments attached. But for now, it seems like I blew a fuse. GRRR! My own self detonated the bomb. Fortunately, we are forgiving of each other, and went and got our tree today! Does anybody else do stuff like this?

Lynnie, I know exactly what you're talking about!! Boy, am I ever good at "sabotaging the harmony". About 3-4 months after Mom died, I spiralled down into a train wreck of a breakdown. Somewhere in there, the rages started. I would be like you, "putting a hand grenade into the peace of the evening" - and even as I was yelling, I was conscious of how ugly my raging was, and how my poor husband did NOT deserve this...and how confused I was getting (in the middle of the rage) over what the raging was even about.

It took a lot of hard work - and help from hubby in recognizing when I needed to walk away and cool down (he had to learn not to follow me and continue the war) - to learn how to control those rages so that I didn't fling those bombs into the middle of our moments together.

I believe it was a combination of profound grief and a sort of emotional self-sabotaging suicide wish. Fortunately, I have a very forgiving and patient husband who steadfastly journeys with me whenever I get stuck in the darkness of that mangled thinking. Which is why there's no doubt in my mind that it was God who brought him into my life...I doubt that there are many men who could put up with what hubby put up with throughout that dark period of my life!

Hi Eagle, thanks for sharing and supporting. You know, I never thought of an "emotional suicide." I'm glad you have a husband who will not go to war when you, like me, start to fire things up in a negative way.

Lynnie, it's so wonderful how refreshingly honest you are. I can relate with you. I find myself sometimes upset with my Hubby, over trivial things. I know those arguments cover up bigger issues we have. It's like I don't want to get on him all the time about my Mother, so I find other things that bug me…but not really.
Oh man. One good thing, though with my Hubby is it's so easy to kiss and make up with him. I just have to stretch my leg over to his side of the bed, and it's cuddle time. Over the years I have also discovered that you can talk some things to death.
As Beverly, would say, "whatever." Just cuddle with your Hubby, Lynnie.

Hannelore, what's this about your mother? The weird thing about the fight I started with my husband is that I had talked to my mother earlier in the day. I don't want to disparage her especially since others here have lost their mothers. I am grateful that I can still converse with her. But it does not go well. She is in her own world of denial and boredom. she's not exactly in her right mind, and sometimes it's hard because our conversations are so shallow. She's bugged me to make my painting a source of income. she's worried about my income in my old age, which is a real true worry. Actually, she'd rather I sell paintings than my book, which is a book about my family. You see, she told me for years I should write a book about my life, but then when my memoir evolved, she said, "Does it have to be about the family? You're going to embarass your poor old mother!" So she thinks everything in my life is all about her. but when I told her I put my painting on ebay (the painting is a twin of one that I gave to her as a present) she put the Ebay process down. "Why can't you just go to the gallery and have the gallery sell it for you?" "How come you ask that much for your painting?" Whatever I tell her she has a counter point that is not real world. So, I get tired of explaining myself to her. And it seems like since I can't fight with her anymore, I picked a fight with my husband. And he actually said during the fight, "Did you talk to your mother today?" So, Hann, are you saying something similar? yes, I am open and honest, and it is so others can relate.

I read somewhere there when a man first comes home from work it's best to let him unwind (in his mind) and not ask him a lot of questions. Typically, the thing most want to do is sit down and watch TV. It's an escape and a way to unwind. My husband likes to walk around the property looking at the plants and trees...but, once he's done that his attention is all mine. It works for us..it might work for you. Try giving him a half hour to himself and then talk to him. Not saying it will work, but you never know. Good luck.

Lynnie, this is why I, once again, felt it was better for my mental state to cut communications with my mother. Nothing good ever comes of it and she sure isn't going to change. Hasn't read my book, could care less that I try to help battered women, etc. I had to step away to protect myself from a life long pattern of abuse.

Dee,
Excellent advice....really!

My husband owned a cocktail lounge and had to talk to and entertain his patrons all day, everyday, and when he came home to his sanctuary he wanted peaced and quiet...I was lucky enough to realize that fact early on. I would kiss him and just let him be for about an hour, then when he finally wondered into the kitchen, I served him a scrumptous meal and asked him about his day. The boys and he would talk about the boys sports etc. He was able to "wind down" as he called it.

One mistake I NEVER made was waiting until he got home and wanted him to punish one of the boys, oh no!! I took care of that. What a miserable thing to do to a man, making him walk in the door and have to punish a child for something they did hours earlier. Thats not only unfair, its utterly thoughtless....

To Lynnie, Hannelore and any others, its hard to do I know but so is anything worthwhile, so try to put yourself in your mates place when you want to yell and pick a fight for NO good reason. Ladies that is a form of abuse and some of you have been abused and understand that. I have always had a volatile temper, quuick with the comebacks and sarcasm and once when young my mother gave me good advice...

STOP and say nothing for a minute or two, ask God to calm you. It works and can end these tantrums once and for all, you do know they're a form of unnecessary tantrum don't you? Now at my age, I barely get mad let alone lose my temper. Now when I suffer injustice at someones hands, I merely walk away and do not dwell on it. Believe me you will be a much happier and less stressful individual. I am, and believe me when I say I felt injustice not too long ago from two separate people I truly loved and trusted, it hurt but I decided to let it go and did just that. Trust me, this works...HUGS!

Chatty,
I wish I could say I'd never done that, but I have. It wasn't right, but way back when it was the thing we did...'wait till your father gets home...' Sad, but true.