Thank you and for the offer of coming to dinner June :-)
My Mom is a very unhappy person with a victim poor me attitude on one hand, and a very angry controlling person on the other. She blames my Dad for everything that has gone wrong with her life (as if she didn't have any choices) and reminds him constantly, bringing up the past on a daily basis. She is always right and eveyone else, including me, is wrong.
She does have her good points though and I am going to hang on to those. I gave up my boyfriend years ago due to her controlling ways (and my weakness) and will not do it a second time. I plan to enjoy our time together which unfortunatly is only every three months for now. We plan to be together on a more permanent basis once our kids are finished high school in a couple of years.
So nice to have all this support from everyone :-)
Kate

Kate, my parents bring up stuff I did when I was 15-years old! I'm what? 59-years old now. They say an elephant never forgets but they haven't met my folks yet. LOL!

I can relate although my Mom doesn't bring up things from my my past too often. She does remind my Dad on a daily basis about something from the past that made her unhappy and blames it on him. I have a saying with her when she trys to tell me stories I have heard over and over again (usually something negative about my Dad) I just say " I don't want to go down memory lane today" that seems to work better than other things I have tried.
Your right Kathy (Rick and June) my Mom has few friends. She rarely has anyone over and always complains that she never gets invited to thier homes. She invites people at times but they don't come back and don't invite her over. She can't figure this out? And of course there are many people that she bans from coming to her house for some reason or another. She does belong to senior centres but always talks about the people there, how old they look, they don't dress right, etc. She doesn't have much good to say. It drives me crazy because she doesn't get to know people the way most people do. I guess that is where the problem lies. It's all about what they look like, what they have, rather than what they are like as a person. It's all just very sad, and I used to wear it but am working on that. I am not going to let her get in the way of my happiness with this man. I can't anyway, I'm just to happy.
Kate

Racism is one of those stigmas that just won't go away. Why? Because what people do or say in PUBLIC is very different from what they do or say behind CLOSED DOORS. Someone told me a long time ago that we're all racist but we just don't admit it. I'd hate to think that is true but just think of some of the things you may do without even realizing it. Not YOU specifically but maybe your family, friends, other relatives.

How many of you live in the suburbs? Did you know that when Urban Renewal took place in the late 60s and 70s, there was something called "white flight" because more and more blacks were living in the city. How diverse is your neighborhood?

How many have moved to send their children to "better schools?" Where are those schools? In neighborhoods that people like me can't afford so we have to fight the system to ensure that our children will get an equal education in spite of where they live.

Why are churches segregated? CNN did a special a few years back about the hours between 11am-1pm being the most segregated hours in America because of where we go to church. Do we not serve the same God? Do you think heaven will be segregated?

African-Americans are also guilty. We can't blame EVERYTHING on racism--but often times we do because that's always the easy answer for why someone doesn't like us.

I have been the victim of racism more times than I care to count or remember. Yes, I know it exists but I choose not to allow it to penetrate my being. If you don't like me, let it be because of my personality or character but not simply because my skin is darker than yours.

OK..I'm off of this bandwagon. I appreciate katebc's honesty about her mother.


Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age
Purchase your copy of “Hope for the Holidays” at http://www.talk2bev.com/holiday.htm

“I’m not a writer because I wrote a book. I wrote a book because I was inspired by God to write.”

Thank you Bamqibbs, your points are very valuable. I do believe that we are all prone to being judgemental and have to work on that, with racism, gay issues, religion, the list goes on. I am trying to be have more compassion for everyone. This is what I am working on at this point in my life, compassion. As for my mother, she is very unhappy. She says that she has a problem with races mixing. Many people do and don't admit it. We all need to work on tolerance and acceptance of others differences, only then will we have a peaceful society. My Mom wrote back which surprised me, that is a good sign. She told me she does not agree that races should mix. She said a few other things but that is the main point she made. She also said she does not want to talk about it again. She also told me that my Dad is not happy about it and tells her that but tells me another story. She is trying to build her case but she is the only person I know that thinks this way. Everyone else in my family and all my friends are so happy for me. I have been on my own for 10 years. A man like him is really hard to find. He adored me way back in the seventies when we were teens, and he still adores me now, how cool is that. I won't let my Mom steal my joy (as someone said)
Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday season.
Kate

Bamgibbs,

That is one of the most insightful and beautiful posts I've ever read. At a time when you could easlily have chosen to strike out, you chose to enlighten and you did it beautifully.

Tonight my husband and I will be the only non African Americans at a party given by one of our best friends. As a non fullblood American Indian, I've experienced racism from a lot of perspectives. I get insulted from all sides and can't truly identify with any group. My 'white' friends unknowingly insult my Indian heritage and my Indian friends insult my 'white' heritage. Our black friends insult both, but still we are friends.

I'm always on the line somewhere between the majority and the minority, Indian and Anglo, never quite fitting in anywhere. The only approach that works for me is to ignore it all.

I will remember your words bamgibbs.

smile

My perspective....
The grass is not, in fact, greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is (loved) watered. When crossing over fences, carry (love) water with you and tend the grass (fellow man) wherever you may be....

I enjoy hearing persceptives spoken honestly. Chatty, I especially like what you have to say. All fences need to be broken down.

Ther is an excellent book I've mentioned in here before. It's a children's book by Peter Spier called People. I think that's right. Anyway, it's so very elementary, but it speaks volumes about our physical differences and internal similarities. I believe we've come to understand this at BWS. Thanks to all of you for treating others the way you want to be treated. That's all it boils down to.

Dear Katebcca,
The Good Lord has allowed me to know some wonderful people. My adoptive dad, my best friend, my grandparents--were all uncomfortable around other races. These folks were kind and hardworking! They took-in stray humans and animals, alike. But they were prejudice. I don't think they actually realized it themselves, sometimes. It's too bad. But that's a fact. I guess two generations ago, folks were brainwashed against skin color different from their own. Who knows? But give your mom some slack. Chances are, she doesn't realize how her actions come across to someone else. Good luck. Some of the dearest people I've ever known, had black skin.

Kate you have a long road ahead, however time is shorter 'cause your Mom is 80. This type of anger she feels inside herself ...might actually shorten her life.. I'm serious.

I know the pain...

There was tremendous pressure for all of us (5 girls & 1 boy) to marry someone else who was Chinese. My sister is married to a Caucasian and yes, my parents did disown her for first few years. They never went to her wedding. It was awful..and I was a mediator "delivering" message between sister and parents. It took ....10 years for my parents to fully accept my sister's marriage. The acceptance came with birth of her daughter,, followed by her son. They are also fortunate that their son-in-law is a mild-tempered, naturally friendly guy himself. My sister and her hubby will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniverary this year.

I can attest, that it takes tremendous persistence to stand firm, but show your love as a daughter...somehow in the midst of heart-wrenching family conflict. My mother turned grey haired within 1 yr. Well, her fault, she brought on herself. My father is fluently bilingual English-Chinese so it's easier to break the ice.

Yes, my sister paved the way for me (her elder) and yet for another sister where 3 of us are with Caucasian partners. But a terrible cost initially. A 4th sister is happily married and has 3 children to someone who is Chinese.

May I suggest a self-help book: "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. I found it helpful to keep perspective.

Your father may provide some comfort. Don't create a situation that pits him constantly against your mother. It's abit tiring for him.

Attend family functions with parents around but you might be wise to visit parent(s) alone to engage in ..talk.

It is quite important that your happiness be not infected and that your daughter understand..you still love your own mother...for other things.

Your visits with your boyfriend and parents should for first while be kept low-key. Maybe have a large family dinner where there's lots of people distraction, so your mom doesn't overfocus on "him".