Disneyland Parent.

Sugaree--it sounds like you're needing a break from your son.

I was the safe, available parent when my daughter was still reeling from her father's abandonment. I caught the anger, the acting-out from her, and I resented being the only responsible parent. Thoughts like "There are those genes again" played through my mind, too.

But those genes are just a part of who our kids are. The kids will make their own choices about the path they follow. Meanwhile--during this limbo of protracted adolescence (and I think that goes on from about 15 to 25 these days), we have to do the best we can to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.

I hope you can get the support you need to take care of yourself enough to say good riddance to the man who did this. Don't let him determine the course of your life.

My goodness! You are sooo right about needing a break. He's been home from college since the 16th of December. Why do they have such a long break again?

I'm feeling weak, drained and like the depression that I've been trying to hard to fight off is just taking over me. This kid told me that he was going back to school on the 14th but has decided that he has a bit more unfinished business and wont be leaving til the 23rd now. I wanted to cry on the spot! It hurts me to feel this way but I do. I've had to restrain myself more than I care to share lately. I feel like he is in danger sometimes when he's mouthing off and I see the semblences of those genes.

I pray that he gets his business done much sooner and just leaves. It would suit me just fine to see him again 2yrs from now at his graduation. Even that seems too soon. The messed up part is that I work for a university and have been off too. That's absolutely too much time to spend w/someone you're not very fund of (behavior wise, I guess) But, I don't have the $$ to pay for his housing at college so he is stuck here till he gets it. If I could get him to go to a shelter for the additional week he's here would also suit me.

Thanks for your input. I guess I'm off to self-pity or something. Ive even been drinking! I have been trying relaxation techniques for the past couple of years vs. medication for my PTSD/Depression...I really think I'll end up on them if he doesn't leave sooner.

[ January 17, 2005, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

Sugaree,

I am sorry that you had to go through this with your husband and are hurting from your husband's betrayal and the "walking results" born from a situation that should have never happened.

I know on many levels the pain you continue to go through, even years later. My first husband committed adultery and then bigamy (married the other woman) during our marriage in which we had a daughter under two at the time of the divorce.

It was a struggle initially when their son was born to not be a "Momma Bear Behaving Badly." I know the more I tried to sugarcoat my pain by being "generous" and "sweet", and "fair" and doing things like buying a baby gift for my daughter's "new brother", the more it hurt and the more OBVIOUS it was to me what had happened to myself and my daughter by the betrayal and abadonment of her father. I wasn't as Shakespeare put it "being true to myself" and in doing so I was living a lie to others, and myself.

The only way I have been able to heal is by turning my hurt and my anger over to God while at the same time doing what is in the best interest of MY daughter no matter what is going on regarding her half-brothers.

My daughter is the first child I was given to be responsible for as a Mom, after her needs are provided for, then I am free to do for others, including her half-brothers, with whatever time, money, energy I have left.

In your case, I would first recommend that you not do ANYTHING re: your husband's insurance and leave that decision up to your son entirely. Because for you, it is not about the money. Regardless of the "emotional" or "guilt-based" reasons why your husband made the decision, he choose to give the responsibility of the choice to your son alone. If your son keeps all the money for himself, then that is his choice. If he gives some to his Full biological sister to help provide for her college, then great, if he doesn't - forgive him. If he also doesn't give anything to you - forgive him. But the choice is his.

Re: the other woman and her children. - Forgive them. Speak about her in your heart by her first name. She is a real woman just like you who is grieving the loss over the same man you both thought at one time you loved. Her children are also grieving the loss over a Daddy that they will never grow up with. What your husband did to all of you will not change. Affairs cannot be taken back. Betrayal cannot be erased and children cannot be "unborn". The only thing that can change for you is your anger and reaction to the events as you ,literally, forgive your husband. She and their children will respond to the grief of losing your husband and their dad in a different way than you and your children - give them that right to grieve and handle the situation differently without criticism.

I know for me, a lot of healing happened in my life when I walked a mile in the "other woman's" (Jessica's) shoes, and I am extremely grateful for God putting me through what seemed at the time "too much pain for the moment" for the joy of being entrusted with the husband and family my daughter and I have now.

This peace can happen for you also.

"This Above All Things: To thine own self be true. It must follow as Night follows the Day. Thou canst not then be false to any man" - Wm. Shakespeare

Faith can heal all wounds. Dallasgirl, thanks for that example of how God worked within your heart. You are healthier as a result.