Sugar,
Ain't it amazing that a man can cause this much chaos even dead? Makes you want to dig him up and kill him again, don't it?
Kath

Sugar, when did all this happen? Was it recently? Were you still with your husband or living apart? You don't have to answer if it's too painful or you feel I'm being nosey.

This happened this past November.

YES! He's causing so much havoc and forcing me to recall so much pain. I'm over revisiting the painful memories of that period, although, the scars will always be there. I already had a trust problem w/men from childhood then he came along. Now, his son, our son.

Last evening his son was behaving in such a manner that I regretted his birth. His genes were acting up again, I guess. I have this 36x24 picture that had been enlarged for the memorial service since my ex was cremated. Last night I was so frustrated that I took the pic and placed it in the closet. That disgusting discussion is listed in the 'Children' forum here, College Child Goes back 2 College.

I was divorced from him for several years but still allowed his presence for the children's sake. He apologized profusely for his actions during our marriage about 2wks prior to his death. I guess he knew that he was going to die. He did need brain stem surgery but refused it according to the hospital records.

Why do they (college kids) get so much time out again? He's been here since December 14th and don't return till Jan 20th. I guess I'd like it if he were a bit more pleasant. He sees so much fault in me, but none in his father that really never did much finacially or during their rearing, unless he wanted to. That hurts more than anything that my son can confuse who the villain is, since there has to be one.

I KNOW that I was a mother to him. I was not the ABSCENT parent and did whatever it took to provide, protect and love my children. Maybe he's just still in shock/mourning for his father and needs to see him as perfect thereby needing to transfer his father's inadequecies unto me? LOL. That sounds like a bunch of crap and I said it!

Sounds like some of the turmoil in this situation might come from the anger that is a normal part of grief.
I know from experience that no matter how distant you are from a mate, there is still loss and grief with all the emotions that accompany it if that person dies.
Only prayer can see you through.
smile

My son from my first marriage acted the same way toward me. He went into therapy and learned that he found it impossible to blame his father for anything so projected those feelings onto the female role model. He did apologize when he learned that and we have a very close relationship now. I suppose it's very difficult to put blame on someone who is dead, huh?

In our Hospice training we learn that anger can be a sign that someone is grieving and healing. Its hard though when its directed at you. Just thought that maybe this is what he is going through at the time. Another idea.
Maggie

That may be the case here. But, how do you get someone that percieves his views as perfect to see a doctor?

I do see a potential way, however drastic it is. He is so angry that he may end up in a situation that calls for the police. His girlfriend has shared personal issues they are having that could easily translate to violent.

When he lived with me last, he had to be escorted out by the police for his verbal abuse. This was before his father passed. I told the young lady that he was just like his father. She used that info as ammo while they argued. He came back angry and hurt that I told her that. The truth hurts.

Some days I'm sooo proud of him. The other days that I'm not are hell to live with. He has the perfect profile of an abusive man. Most people 'think' that he is charming, intelligent, outgoing...to top it off, he's extremely handsome and athletic. He has access to many women that could be victims one day.

Please keep this 21 year old man in prayer. Please pray for us a way to get him counseling/anger management.

He's been to anger management before, court ordered. The woman started listening to him-liking him and had a relationship with him. HE laughed.

Most people who are dead are angels in the eyes of those they left behind. It's like giving birth. After it's over it was the most beautiful experience, but while you were giving birth it was pretty darn painful.

Your son is mourning the loss and possibly the loss of a close relationship with his dad.

Why is it mothers often get the short end of the stick?

[ January 16, 2005, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

It's easy for him to 'think' of him as the angel since his father's visits were mostly during the special days in his life; birthdays, Xmas, graduation... He is filled with happier memories. I feel guilty when he discusses how much fun he'd have with his father because I want to remind him about the other 300+ days where I was his primary care giver, even financially most of the time.

I guess if I ever arranged that statement and let it spew out of my angry mouth it would sound as though I'm trying to make him hate his angel or view him in a negative light. My son wouldn't recognize that he put me on the defensive end of our discussion, I'm sure.

My beloved ex and I had these type of conversations often. He stated that he couldn't or wouldn't feel comfortable being the disciplinarian since he was not around that much. I even told him that it was unfair that he left me looking like the villain. I was always the one saying 'no' to the car, passing out curfews, no to expensive shoes... Father would come along with those shoes or some bike I couldn't afford because of regular household expenses.

I guess you're right. It would be hard to be angry at an angle or find fault.