With the loss of a spouse, many widows find themselves surrounded by friends and family, offering well-intentioned support, love, and offers of much-needed practical help or advice. Ultimately, though, even in the midst of caring friends and family, the one left behind, alone, may feel just that: alone. Left to cope alone, to grieve alone, to make important decisions alone. Even with those she loves and trusts surrounding her and sharing in her grief, the widow, alone, experiences the loss of a long-time soul mate and best friend; the other half that along with her own once made a whole.


There are no hard and fast rules as to the duration of grieving for a spouse. Some widows find with support from family and friends they are soon able to once again look forward to living; others grieve for many years before they are able to even cope with the idea of trying to find a life for themselves. Still others are never quite able to pick up the pieces and carry on to a life lived alone; depression over the loss of a spouse can be devastating and can take quite a toll on the emotions and mind set of those left behind to start anew.



However the grieving process is lived out, there are hardships that arise to each widow; unfortunately that is one term of widowhood that is universal.


*A Future Disrupted


Thousands of mornings may be awakened to with someone familiar, and loved, at our side. Whether it’s a workday or a weekend, whether there will be pleasure ahead or a long tiring day, it is spent with the knowledge that when once again it is time to bid goodbye to the day, that same loved, familiar person will be lying beside us. It is routine, this expectation, and like so many aspects of our lives, lived day to day with the comfort that familiarity can bring, it becomes expected.


One morning we awaken, however, and find that familiar one gone, no longer at our side. We walk through the very beginning steps of grief, numbly, and once the initial shock of loss has left us, we realize that the mornings alone are but a beginning to a life lived without the one on whom we have depended for so long. The one with whom we had planned a future is no longer there to share and shape the hopes and dreams of coming years. This sorrowful realization can be devastating, but take heart. In time, with the support of friends and family, pastoral counseling, and perhaps even in joining some of the dozens of chapters available to widows, the road to finding purpose becomes easier. Like so many other aspects of our lives, we tend to find comfort and reassurance by interacting with those who are in similar straights. Contacts with widowed or single friends are often a very good beginning; they have traveled already the road we are just beginning. We are not alone in our sorrow and confusion.


*The Battle of Loneliness


The toughest battle, perhaps? In the hearts of many widows, the answer is a resounding yes. The quiet in a home of two people is much, much different than the quiet found when we are alone, very often for the first time in our entire adult lives. Being at home, enjoying a peaceful afternoon alone with no interruptions, is a welcomed respite; being at home with the knowledge that the front door will not be opened at five o’clock can be totally overwhelming.


Even the sound of the newspaper being flipped through can be a comforting sound, or, small as it seems, the shuffling of another through the rooms of our home. These are things we take for granted through the years of marriage and togetherness, these sounds. Once alone, the quiet from the disappearance of these familiar sounds can be deafening. When our children leave and go out on their own, there is a quietness we have not experienced in many years; there is also, though, still another with whom to share the peace. When a spouse dies, we are alone. We hear only our own footsteps, our own voice; after years of togetherness we no longer hear the comforting words of a spouse, to which we have grown accustomed.


Once again, we can find support from our friends and family, and from those who once walked the quiet road themselves. Many times, our pride will not allow us to phone those who would at a moment’s notice be grateful for the opportunity to visit. These are the same people we have known and loved for years, and have loved and enjoyed us, in return. While there are some who find themselves uncomfortable in not quite knowing what to say and what not to say, the majority of our close friends and family have no such qualms. An hour’s visit on a lonely Friday or Saturday evening can do wonders for the loneliness that can at times be literally overwhelming. Some good advice here is warranted: It helps no one to sit and be lonely when there are good friends and family with whom to share time and happy memories. If you find that Sunday afternoons are too much to bear, try faithfully each week to plan an activity for that time. It can be passed with a movie and a friend, a long-distance call to a favorite niece or nephew you don’t often get to visit, or volunteering. If you have children and they are able, Sunday afternoons are a perfect time to have them over for supper or a piece of pie. In our attempt at conquering loneliness, often times we find ourselves the maker of plans rather than on the receiving end of an invitation; it seems wise to accept this. It makes no sense to let our pride stand in the way of finding comfort when it is so needed.


*The Holidays


Part of our lives since childhood, holidays are a time for family and friends and the comfort we find in sharing these special times with those we love. Memories abound and when we are fortunate enough to have our families and spouses to share such happy times, holidays can be one of the most comforting of times. When we find ourselves alone after the loss of our spouse, however, they can be very far indeed from comforting. They can find us depressed and feeling unwhole.


Many widows report that by choosing to take a small vacation during the holidays they can escape a bit of the pain and loneliness that accompanies these special times. Whether it be spending a few days with one’s children or making plans to stay with close friends, it is important to have company if the holidays are especially rough. While we may still find them difficult to experience, being with those who care for us can help much in lightening our burdens.


*Seeking Help


We are so fortunate to live in this day of compassionate resources; not too long ago it was almost impossible to find any type of support group, or even information, for the needs of widows. That is certainly not true of today.


Public libraries have entire sections of books and guides devoted to widows; devoted also to answering many difficult questions and issues that arise from the burdens that often accompany such an unexpected life change. Many of these guides offer support from women who have also experienced the anguish and confusion of being left on one’s own after so many years of togetherness with a spouse. Their stories are often told forthright, in their own words, and offer good, common sense advice on learning how to cope on your own.


Your local church or synagogue can be an oasis in your search for finding solid, recommended groups or clubs that serve the needs of widows. Most churches have outreach programs that help connect those in need to the very support groups that were created with them in mind. Even if you are not a member of a church or synagogue, you may find help in locating these wonderful groups. Most church secretaries or even pastors are more than happy to pass along the names of volunteers who so unselfishly give of their time and efforts to help ease the load for those in need.


There is an organization known as Oasis that serves the needs of those fifty-five and older. It is a national organization, and one that comes highly recommended. They offer through the help of thousands of volunteers hundreds of workshops and lectures on a very wide variety of subjects, including discussions on widowhood and its aspects. There is a very small fee in becoming a member; well worth it for the outstanding programs and workshops they offer, most of them free after having paid your membership dues.


Not only are there classes, offering everything from macramé lessons to Civil War history, but by becoming part of a group that holds the same interests and desires, it becomes much easier to form friendships. By taking part, when you’re ready, you are taking one of the first steps in creating a new life on your own. New paths are created when we make new friends with whom we have much in common.


Life cannot again be the same after we lose a spouse, but it can be enjoyed and treasured. With time and friendship we may carve out a new and comforting path to not only contentment, but to happiness, also.

Wow Christina, thank you for all that you posted. Your words remind me of a conversation I recently had with a new widow. I saw her at the mall and began chatting, asking her how she was doing since her husband's death. She proceeded to share that life was so odd. All her friends seem to have picked up and rarely speak of her husband. She can't believe that people hardly mention him. She commented that it really is like here today, gone tomorrow.

Her words and yours awaken me to the fact that I need to reach out more to those who are suffering the loss of a loved one. I also need to share memories of that person and give them an opportunity to do the same.

I appreciate your words about reaching out. I pray that those who knew your hubby will reach out to you. Feel free to tell us some of your favorite memories of him.

Christina,
You hit the nail smack dab on the head with this one. This is exactly what I've been journaling about for the last two years, since I lost my husband, Mel. Some days, it just seems so strange. It often feels as if I'm living someone else's life, and I don't know how to break free and get back to my own. Then I realize for the umpteenth time that this is my new reality, it is my life and I have to do something with it, not waste it. Mel wouldn't want me to waste my life and he'd want me to be happy again, I just don't know how to get there yet. But I'm working on it. I've been writing like crazy, first because I just love doing it, and second because when I'm knee-deep in a project, I'm distracted and actually enjoying the work. That's as near to happy as I can manage for now. I've emailed this page to a new friend who's going through all this too. Thanks for saying it for all of us; it makes me feel less lonely when I'm here on the forum.
Alanna

Copygal do you really feel lonely here on the forum? If you do I am so sad to hear that. Can you nsay why you feel lonely here?

ChristimaR, fantastic post. Kind of says it all. No matter how long someones has been gone we never feel far away from them somehow, at least I don't. In our friends and families defense some have told me (because I asked) that they fear speaking of my husband because they are afraid it would bring on saddness and upset me.

Chatty, co[y said she feels less lonely when she's here in the forums.

Copy, I enjoyed browsing your blog. Ladies, check it out. She writes about what she's been going through since becoming a widow.

Hello Ladies,
I do feel a lot less lonely when I hang out here with you gals. If I didn't have to earn a living, I'd be here all the time. LOL I've been working like crazy the last few months. The good part is that I'm doing what I love to do, the bad part is that I'm still not making enough to be totally independent, but I'll get there. I'm feeling stronger these days, strong enough to get started on that book in my head about widowhood. I'm going to call it "The Widowed Year" and it will be a month by month kind of journal of the first year. I have my own experience to draw on of course, but I'd like to include other widows and how they've handled that first year as well. Everyone handles this in their own way and in their own time and I want to show that.

The link to my blog is in my signature, hope you'll come and visit. Feel free to leave comments. I encourage other widows to tell me how they're doing, and I try to answer each one.
Thanks to you all for helping me through this, ya'll are great listeners. Thanks Dotsie for including this new forum.

Copygal, I'm sorry to have misread your comment. I should never try to read and cook at the same time. Glad you feel less lonely here on the forum.

Christina you ahve provided a wonderful vehicle for women to begin speaking about widowhood on a whole new level.

I emailed this a friend. Christina I am hoping she will join us o the forum and read your blog and perhaps share some of her experience.

Thank you both for putting words to something that can not be described.

Lynn

Christina, your words give me a better appreciation for what widows go through after the death of their spouse. I hope others read what you have to say.

Christina, you write very well and have perfectly expressed my feelings as well as many others. I am always interested in reading and listening to what people have to say because I am always hoping to learn more about this grief process. My husband died quite unexpectedly almost 2 years ago at the age of 49. After about 6 months of numbness I then threw myself wholeheartedly into one project after another and kept up this pace for almost a year. Then it was like I just stopped and all the feelings I had suppressed came rushing back. I began having anxiety attacks and soon after I started looking for help. I tried a counselor, a support group where I was by far the youngest and many books. I finally found another support group that included some younger women who I could relate to. One night there was a prayer service and a guest speaker who was very good. Her name is Dr Ann Kaiser Stearns and if you ever have a chance to hear her you should go. If anyone has any other suggestions, I am open to them.
Karen

Beezer,
Glad to have you here. Try out copygals blog. You may find more support and insight there as well.
Actually, you may find many threads here interesting. I stick to the dieting forum which needs a password that you can get from Dotsie. It is a fun way to keep track of your weight and get support from other women at the same time.

Lynn

Beezer, welcome aboard. I am so sorry to hear about the losss of your husband. It sounds so weak and simple for me to say that, but I mean it. Do you have family living in town? Do you have a circle of friends...and if you do, do they meet you where you are, or do they expect you to be moving on?

I hope you'll continue to hang out and also check other forums.

Dear Breezer, Christina (welcome) and everyone. It sounds so strange to call myself a "widow." I went to a pot luck on Sunday, it was my first outing since Ed died a month ago. It felt great to get out with friends and mingle.....but I feel like a new chick just feeling my way through this new life. I don't mind being alone - always relished in it, but now I am "really" alone!! The house feels so quiet. I had a massage last week and a Reiki Healing treatment - they both made me feel so much better - like a weight had been lifted off me. Plus I'm seeing a lot of clients which always helps me. I appreciate all you lovely ladies here, it's comforting to know you are going thruogh the same thing. Hugs, Betsie

Beezer,
So glad you found us. I can personally guarantee that this forum will help you feel less lonely and help you make new friends; it did for me. The grieving process is different for each person, and it takes as long as it takes. People think after the first year, you've pretty much moved on and you're doing all right. Not necessarily so, I'm afraid. You can go for days or even weeks, doing well, not crying your eyes out all the time, even feeling strong. Then wham! out of the blue, you feel so depressed it's hard to put one foot in front of the other. I once went three whole weeks without tears, doing well, I thought. Then found myself in a major meltdown. So, it's okay, it's normal. Finding things to keep yourself occupied with is a good idea though. It really helps. Just don't feel disappointed with yourself for slipping back once in a while; it happens. Come here to the forum and talk to us, we'll always listen and give you a shoulder to cry on, if you need it. And feel free to visit my blog and talk and cry if you want. Talking about our husbands, the problems, the solutions, and how we're doing is very therapeudic. And count me in as a new friend.

Wow - heavy thread here - so much wisdom - and loneliness - and perfectly put sentiments - and friendship.

I think the one thing that amazes me the most about grief is how alone you can feel in a crowd of people. You hear their words and converse back and forth - but there's a "hollow-ness" to it all. They go on with their lives and the world spins around but somehow you're just a fraction of a step off.

Does it ever get better? sure
Will it ever be the same? nope

I love you ladies -- you bring me down to earth, help me soar, walk with me when I'm lost and remind me what I live for

I am so sorry for all of you who have lost a spouse. I often think of my mom who will be 90 in August and how lonely she is without my dad. But reading how lonely you gals are at a much younger age makes me very sad. I work with a gal who lost her husband 20 years ago when she was 42. She raised her daughters to be lovely young women, who are now grown and married. However, there is still a missing piece in her life, the love of her life. Yes, she has dated a very nice man for many years but she claims it just isn't the same as the wonderful 20 years she had with her husband. She is fun, active and very warm...but she is sad and as her friends and co-workers, we wish we could make it better. But we can't. I wish you all well with my prayers and thoughts.

I have decided that I am a triumphant survivor. Or at least I am striving to be one. I read Ann Kaiser Stearns book called Coming Back. She talks about how there are three kinds of survivors. One person remains broken by their grief, one goes through the grieving process and returns to the way they were before. The third kind of survivor becomes stronger after coming through the process of grieving. She said that people who reach out to others and join groups or seek help are members of the third group. She didn't mention forums but I am sure if she had thought of it she would have have included them in her third group too.

Beezer, welcome to the forums. I hope you will find many new friendships here and also feel the love that is distributed daily. Everyone is sincere and truly do want to help each other in the healing process.

I also think the book you've mentioned would be a good read even if one hasn't lost a spouse, don't you? I intend to see if my library has it. I would like to read it to maybe help my Mom cope more. She does wonderfully after losing her spouse of 54 years, but reading the book would give me insight and maybe help me to be more compassionate toward others. You think?

JJ

I can't even phantom losing a spouse after 54 years, my Lord how tramatic and devastating that must be. God Bless all those women. I lost my husband after only five years and still miss him and in comparison with these iother women, like JJ's mom, my husband and I hardly even began our life together..

Beezer, That sounds like a book we should add to the resoure page here at BWS. Do you recommend it? Happy to see you back and posting again. I hope you'll consider jumping in the other forums and sharing there too.