Faith is an interesting thing. For me, there's a level below the words that is where the spirit (God) lives that is my most profound connection to the holy. There's a level of truth and trust there that provides a reality that I know is true for me.

When I read the words of those whose faith rests in the Bible, Jesus (although at an essential level Jesus is part of that connection I described earlier), or other, I try to translate what they are saying into what I believe and find our connection to each other. I get beyond the words to the level of love that we all share.

I do believe we have free will and that it is horribly misused much of the time. For the woman who is abused, one of the powers of control that an abuser takes is to confuse the woman's reality. It's probably the worst part of the problem. You come to believe (I've been there), that if you would just "get it" then the abuse would end. You believe that you must be a horrible person. Something has to happen to shake that distorted reality. When it does, the real truth comes to the surface and you will never willingly give it up again.

Some (not all -- not even most) religions and religious leaders riff on this control theme and play into the distortion of reality. But so do some businessmen, political leaders and many others.

We must speak firmly and with love. And we must begin with speaking our truth to ourselves.

Casey,
My first husband's name for me was "dingbat". We went to buy furniture and he would say, "Just keep your mouth shut, dingbat, and let me handle it." He couldn't even get a GED! He shoved me down when I was pregnant with my first child because I accidentally let the garage door down on his precious car among other things until finally when our daughter was 2, he came home and told me I was fat and getting old at 22 and he had been cheating on me with my best friend who was 19 at the time.

My second husband was a rageacholic and a CEO of a very large corporation. We lived in constant fear of his temper but he was gone most of the time. Still, his behavior has deeply affected the lives of his children.

My third husband was the most kind, intelligent and loving man I have ever known. His love was a blessing and he completely "adopted" my children and grandchildren. I loved him with all my heart. His death was devastating. I keep his ashes with me and sometimes I just hold the container and cry. I miss him so much. My daughters keep his picture where they can see it and be reminded of him and his love for them. My grandchildren all called him "Grampy" and I can still see the light in his eyes which reflected a beautiful soul.

You all know about this last marriage. I should have become suspicous when he didn't care to meet my parents and tried to keep my family and friends away from me.

Then he tried to change the way I looked, long vs short hair, the way I dressed, bought me the kind of clothes he liked to see women in. Put down any activity I enjoyed other than what he wanted to do. Put down my taste in food, in art, put me down for reading books, for liking classical music and for not liking doowop music, for liking the theatre and movies and even for liking wine.

I don't even know who I am anymore and as some of you have indicated, it is true that we have a tendency to become comfortable in the position as the victim. Being a victim gives us identity and

Oops! Bottom line, I realize I may be too comfortable in the role as victim and need to find out how to overcome that and become a whole person again.

You all are helping me a lot as I share my feelings thoughts and frustrations. Your input is very valuable to me as well as the caring and comfort I've gotten from so many of you.

Have any of you ever adopted a dog from the pound who has been tortured? They will roll over on their backs with their feet up or blink or flinch when you come near them? Do they ever get comfortable and feel safe again or are they forever scarred?

When does a human stop flinching, blinking, flushing? How do you get to an upright position with your head held high and don't feel intimidated by anyone anymore?

The word "dingbat" still comes to mind, all the titles and insults. My weight fluxuates and I've been anorexic. But, I know who I am in Christ and that he sees a perfect, wonderful human being.

#5,
I think we have all been abused in one way or another by someone at some time. I'm sure there is a reason for it. Maybe to help us not to abuse others. Maybe to help us learn to rely only on God and to hold our heads high with our eyes on Him regardless of what is going on around us.

So many people, especially women, seem to choose to remain victims. They live in that identity forever. They dwell on how they have been victimized and use it as an excuse for all their mistakes. As you said, some people seem far too comfortable with the 'victim' identity. Maybe because it is the only identity they have. And it works for them. Identifying ourselves as victims is easy. We always have an excuse and we can just relax knowing we can blame others for our mistakes.

But we also have the option, even though it is difficult, to pull ourselves together and move on. We can choose to move past the comfort of the victim identity and establish ourselves as strong independent women responsible for our own failures and beneficiaries of our own success, knowing that success can be more frightening than failure.

Either way, it is up to us to choose another identity then with the help of our God to live up to it. It is certainly not the easiest way. It's difficult to take responsibility for our own lives and make it the best we can, but it is the adult thing to do and we can all do it if we just decide to stop using excuses, stop blinking, stop dodging, and stop flushing. We have to choose to stop being a victim.

I could be a victim too, but work toward being independent instead. Sometimes I'm closer than other times. With God's help, I think I'm making progress. Hopefully we all are.

smile

[ March 18, 2006, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Yes, Number5, you can recover who you are. It took me a long time to stop flinching, but I believe it's gone. You are already taking the first steps by being totally honest about your situation. Yea, you!

And good for you for reaching out and accepting the love and support from this group and God.

Keep talking. Time will help. You are so brave and loving. Given your history, therapy may help -- or not. I don't know how you feel about it. It helped me heal (although I went to a few therapists before I found the right one for me) because I began to understand that the message that I wasn't "good enough" was a false one.

Praise yourself for each little step you take. Everytime you say, "no, I am not a dingbat. I am a beautiful child of God," feel it to the bottom of your soul. Embrace that moment. It will give you the courage to become stronger every day.

Hugs

Number5, if it helps, think of this. Archie Bunker used to call his wife a dingbat and it was obvious from watching that show, that she was wise, patient and loving. Maybe you can take that comment that your ex meant in a mean way and think of yourself as an Edith Bunker!! Everyone loved her. She stood up to Archie when she needed to and had lots of friends. She was a great mother and grandmother, just like you and she was a prayerful, Christian woman.

Oh...one more thing I just thought of. Your screename here is Number 5, which means HIS 5th wife. Maybe you should think about using a name that identifies yourself for who you are, that has nothing to do with him. You're beautiful!
((HUGS))

[ March 18, 2006, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: Bluebird ]

Here! Here! I second Jackie's suggestion!

Here! Here! Here! I third Jackie's suggestion!

I fourth it!

This is why I titled my book: Whose Face is in the Mirror? As a battered woman, we don't see our true reflection anymore. We only see what we haven't become, how we haven't measured up to his eyes...on and on and on.

If you email me your address, I'll have my publisher send you a copy of my book. I know it will help you! And since I've been told putting your email addy in even a post like this can lead to spam, please go to my website and go to the link for contact us and it gives my email address: www.eadv.net Don't forget to include your real name. I don't want them to mail it to Number5 LOL!

LOL! I never have thought of it that way. I like the idea of changing my screen name and the idea of creating an image for myself then working to make it happen.

My kids love me to pieces and laugh now that for so many years they fought to be independent adults with their own identities and now laugh that they are becoming more and more like mom. They find themselves doing things like I did when they were growing up and they seem to be happy about it....

When the ogre (second husband) would leave town, we would sometimes check into the Holiday Inn Holidome and stay up late watching old movies, swimming and playing pool, eating out and having a great time. I always made sure my girls had a lot of fun.

Once I rented a van and took all three of them and a best friend to a resort in Florida for a week on the beach. We had a ball and the friends still remember it.

I'm sure things will get better. I know it won't happen overnight. Casey, and all, I'm very happy to know you are better now.

I've gone for therapy but I find it helps more to read and share and reflect then act. Being outside does a body a lot of good and laughing, acting silly with the kids.