A story about an incidence that my daughter went through is in Our Voices. Titled: Becoming a Killer. It's about dating violence. Not a pretty story but might serve as a warning to some who allow a guy into their lives, knowing they aren't good.

I read that story, Dianne. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my daughter was hurt by a guy like that. I know how much it hurt when she was young and teased by other kids. Just before my daughter met her now husband, I prayed to God to bring her a godly, gentle man. And that's what she got, praise God.
You have had so much to deal with, Dianne. You must have an awesome faith.

I agree with Bluebird... your faith has been tested over and over and yet you are steadfast. Truly an inspiration to us all Dianne. I read the story, too. I cannot imagine the feelings and emotions involved here or how you managed to control either. What a powerful story. Please tell your daughter that she is so admired from afar. I see she has her Mother's character.

JJ

Dianne, sorry, yet I cannot locate the story? Where may I review? Thx!

Just go to boomerwomenspeak.com and instead of clicking on the forums, go to the top right corner of the page. You'll see a sketch of 3 women's faces that say Our Voices. Click on that and look for the title Becoming a Killer by Dianne.

My alternatives have been limited. I can give up and hate God or I can decide to roll with the punches and move on. But, I never wanted to actually kill someone before. I had to really do some work on myself to not hurt that guy.

Okay, thanks, found it! Oh my Dianne, I wonder if he has abused anyone else since? There are career fields where you find many abusers, i.e., lawyers, doctors (the God syndrome), police, etc., and they lurk elsewhere, too.

Sure am glad your daughter is out of that situation.

Dianne, I sent the change to my web master about the author. She is back from vacation. I'll go check to see if the mistake was corrected.

Okay. JJ might not want that article under her name as author.

Can certainly understand your frame of mind at the time. I'm sure I would have been searching the resources of my mind to come up with ways to inflict hurt on him also.

Sounds as if, he understood what you daughter was telling him.
Truly hope no one else falls victim to his abusive manner in the future.

It amazing how God put all things under your feet...with the ability to move you forward strong.

Dianne, as I read your story I could feel my own anger and rage building up. I thought about how I would feel if this were my daughter.

You showed an incredible amount of strength and yes, restraint.

Several years ago a pretty, young, divorced woman was strangled by her ex-spouse. She had restraining orders and carefully documented accounts of his stalking. She took pictures of the damage he did to her modest home. In the end nobody could save her. The maniac was always a step ahead of the police.

What was even more sad was that her death left two small children without their mother. She was also engaged to what seemed a very sweet, handsome fellow who greatly mourned her death.

It was fortunate that your daughter's abuser realized what would happen if he continued to abuse her or even get near her. Some of these men just keep going and going until they achieve whatever bizarre agenda is their intent.

I was a raving maniac in my mind but kept it to myself except for my husband, who wanted to press charges but couldn't. I couldn't tell my sons or they would have found the guy and beat him within an inch of death. It was hard pretending. Okay, it was almost impossible!

When I think about it, even today, I just go crazy thinking of that creep holding her hostage until HE was ready to leave. I can't imagine the horror she went through and honestly, it's one reason she left AZ. She was scared of running into him. If I was there, it would have been him who should be scared.

I think this incidence contributed to her drinking problem and rehab. Oh, and I found out his first name...Brian.

Dianne, do you think your daughter wishes she had handled this matter in another way now?

How long ago has it been since that incident happened?
Any legal recourse now?

It's been about five years ago. I honestly can't say that she wishes she would have handled it another way because she won't talk about it. She'll talk about anything else but not this incident. That tells me she is either too traumatized by it or like most victims, blames herself.

It's been too long for legal recourse and she wouldn't go there. I could...in a New York Minute!

Dianne:

Check out these sites for the fella:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/neurology-sct/12685089.html

http://www.ahsc.arizona.edu/neurology/clinical%20research/clinicalcontact.htm

He went to school in Omaha, I believe. Now girl, you're gonna get me in trouble! Actually, my oldest daughter searched the Barrows site for him but we didn't have a first name at that time. No doubt, she'd like to find him too!

Dianne, I agree with you that this incident triggered drinking. I would believe that she is still traumatized by it.

Don't you think this sphincter muscle thought he was such an important man that he could do this and get away with it?

He subjugated your daughter and brought her down to a humiliating level. (All his intent)!

I'd still see red today and want to kill him!!!

Of course he thought he could get away with it and he did. The fact that he had the nerve to call her afterward shows he didn't think he did anything wrong.

Trust me, these guys always go on to hurt other women.

Didn't you say this man is a neurologist? This shows how an educated man can delude himself into thinking how right his behavior was.

I know he'll go on to hurt other women but I'm also glad your daughter has you. How many poor women stay with these brutal, sick men?

Nearly every week in the news you read that a woman has been beaten, raped or killed by a husband or boyfriend.

Abuse knows no boundaries. It happens with the highly educated or noneducated.

This is the problem. People think it only happens to women who have nine children from nine different men, drives an old, rusted out car with children's fingerprints all over the windows, she's on welfare or selling drugs to survive and must like the violence.

So, when successful women speak out, it can create a shift in thinking. Hey, it can happen to anyone!

I never understood what me winning the title of Mrs. Arizona had to do with anything! My husband started cheating on me and within that year, we were getting divorced and I had to ask, what was that all about?

But, my publisher wanted to use the title to show that it happens to anyone! And, someday I'll share this strange thing that happened that caused me to run for Mrs. Arizona. One of those miracle things!

Dianne, on one of your websites I located, you have a listing of things parents can do to help raise girls into not becoming victims of abuse.

Would you please post those tips here. I found them invaluable.

Thank you!

Here you go!


"Do you uplift your daughter with words of encouragement? Unconditional love is very important. We can never tell our children too many times how special they are and what great talents they possess."
* * *

According to the Domestic Violence Research Center, one out of three teenage girls has admitted to being in a violent dating relationship.

These are very sobering statistics. We as mothers would never intentionally raise our girls to be abused as teenagers or adults.

But what about unintentionally?

There are ten questions we should ask ourselves in order to put a stop to the cycle of dating and domestic violence.

1) When your daughter approaches you with a question, are the first words out of your mouth, 'go ask your father?' When we always put Dad in the position of having all the answers, this can be compared to telling our child that our opinion is not valued or valuable.

2) Do you allow your spouse or boyfriend to make insulting comments about your daughter? If we don't defend our daughter against this, she will learn to resent us more than the male figure making the remarks.

3) Is your daughter allowed to make some decisions on her own without your inference? This is how children learn to think for themselves.

Trial and error. If we don't allow them to learn to make choices in their teen years, they will be reaching out for a leader and having other people make decision for them well into their adulthood.

4) Do you uplift your daughter with words of encouragement? Unconditional love is very important. We can never tell our children too many times how special they are and what great talents they possess.

5) Is your daughter made to believe she should have a career or marry a man who will take care of her? If she has no career and marries a man who wants a stay at home wife, what happens to her if the marriage ends someday? What will she do? She will need an education to support herself.

6) Do you listen when she talks to, or are you just waiting for her to finish so you can speak? This is not a conversation. This is not really listening to what she is saying. We will never know what she is feeling if we jump in with our opinion.

Just because we are adults and the 'mom' doesn't mean we have all the answers. She may not even want answers, but just feel a need to vent.

7) Are you in an abusive relationship yourself? Statistics will back me on this point. If you are being abused, your daughters stand three times the chance of being a victim of domestic violence. Your son has seven times the chance of being an abuser.

Startling facts, aren't they? Even if your children profess their undying devotion to you, they learn to resent you for making them grow up in this type of situation.

8) Do you snoop through her private belongings, not allowing her any privacy? Shame on you! We all need to have a part of our lives that is not freely accessed by others. This is a human right.

9) Do you tell her, 'I know how you are--I know what you are thinking?' Really? Are you God? In truth, you do not know her heart any more than a stranger on the street. Being a parent does not make you a psychic.

10) When she asks if she can do something or go somewhere, is your first response 'no.' This creates a lot of frustration in youthful minds. It is you, exerting control over her life.

It will bring about tension between you and your daughter, plus unnecessary arguments.

Our daughters are to be cherished. If we don't do this, they will seek out those who will. Many times it will be someone who appears to be caring in the beginning but, uses kindness as a ploy to gain their trust. It can be very dangerous for your child.

----

Thanks again Dianne.


When I had my tattoo done Vicky went with me. I also let her get one, ( a small butterfly on her shoulder). When she showed one of the girls at achool this week the girl said to her, "you are so lucky, you're mom is cool, mine would never let me do that."

I felt she deserved what she wanted. At one point I had violated her privacy because I felt it was best for her. I now know (from your tips) that that wasn't right.

When we had our tattoos done, I went first and she held my hand and then she had hers done and I held her hand. She's my pride and joy and I like reading those tips knowing I am doing some of it right.

[ January 14, 2006, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

Ladybug I imagine that doing some of it right is all any of us mom's can ever hope for...sounds good to me!

Yeah, we make mistakes. Just like our mothers did. You do the best you can and it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job! Keep it up girl!

Thanks ladies!

I think all the moms who post in this forum are probably doing a great job with their children too.