I am pleased that we have a forum specifically on this topic. I can't think of a better place that I'd want to share my words.

I chose to write this today so you can have my insite into why some women( Me )stay in an abusive relationship. This part of my life is over and done and thirty years later it is only a memory that does not affect my every day life. I healed from the abuse a long time ago. Today I healed enough to share it with others. So ladies here's a little bit of info from my "Victim Eyes."

My parents didn't have an abusive relationship and I knew what was happening to me was wrong, wrong, dead wrong. There were "NO" signs prior to my marriage and I was totally stunned with shock when I recieved my first slap. Over time,I fought back but grew more fearful each time, when my blows couldn't match his. It was painful.It hurt...

I chose to hide the abuse for many reasons and have included some of them here in no particular order.

One: I was a Catholic and married for better or for worse praying that maybe worse would become better. The problem? The more I tried to fix it the worse it got.

Two: I was ashamed to admit to others that I married a man who was abusive. Around others he was a nice guy(even to me) and you can't work that kind of talk into a conversation anyway.

Three: I lived far away from my family and friends, especially new friends at work. I was isolated and phone calls, when allowed, were monitored.

Four: I didn't want to worry my Mom and if Dad found out I knew he would go to jail. I didn't tell his parents because his Dad would go to jail. Period!

Four: I didn't know I had a place to go and that there was help available..I wasn't around this kind of stuff to know that. I didn't know others were going through this too.

Five: I loved him when I married him. I pitied him when he cried and said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and hoped he meant it. Chance after chance, I hoped...and hoped...and hoped.

Six: I didn't have any money. I only signed my check and passed it to him.I saw the front once. We worked at the same company

Seven: I was young and scared. My self esteem was slowly stripped away and I believed all the horrible names I was called and all the horrible scenarios about what would happen if I did anything out of the way...Or God forbid ...leave.

Eight: He was my children's Dad and they loved him. He didn't hurt them physically and was always kind to them. He was an excellent Dad.(besides the abuse, I mean)

I could go on and on and believe me...on and on with reasons why I stayed. No two women, relationships etc. are alike but the likeness of the situations are very similar. Age, knowledge and experience keep most of us from entering another abusive relationship.

We can't expect all of you to understand. We know some of you say...wouldn't happen to me,I'd kill the bastard, etc. Believe me, this is what I can also say. Today and only today...but not back then.

I am also going to post on "Why did I leave." Unfortunately, I did the right thing for the wrong reason but I got out...alive.

To be continued...

chick (the more I write...the better I heal)

[ November 05, 2005, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: chickadee ]

Such courage, my friend...brings to mind two of my favourite words...wounded healer. Thank you.

For Mrs_Madness.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/international_projects/index.htm

Chick, thank you and bless you!

Chick, thank you for posting this. I don't recall that there was any help and/or talk on the topic of DV 30 years ago. I am wondering what you mean by you did the right thing for the wrong reason? You are very inspiring to have shared, endured, and come so far.

thanks Chick... so many things i can relate to in your story.

You are brave now just as you were when you did finally leave him. I am one who says I'd kill the bastard but thats probably because the abuse I witnessed for so many years was my mothers. She endured for nearly 25 years but as we kids became young adults we urgered her to leave him and leave him she did and never looked back. I saw mother go from a timid little house slave to an effervesant twinkling star. She just blossomed and he literally withered away....I still believe killing to be a big fat sin and wouldn't take the chance in case there is a hell, no man is worth paying that price.

Chickadee, I too, can relate to your story. Sorry this happened, yet I'm glad to know how strong you are now!

There are many women who live in silence w/out voicing the abuse. I met one in Bible Study last night. I promised to share Dianne's book w/ her.

Chickadee, thanks for your story. May you continue to heal and find the strength you need in life.

[ November 07, 2005, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: meredithbead ]

I appreciate all your good wishes ladies. It feels like this all happened in another lifetime. I tried to heal for years and was going along just fine, I mean it wasn't a burden on my mind or anything, but one day I got to thinking about it a little too hard (it was eleven years later) so I picked up the phone and called my X husband. I told him I wanted to have a good talk with him to help me understand WHY? Oddly enough, he obliged and when I hung up, I was completely satisfied and yes healed. I never looked back...

chick

Chick,
Sounds like you survived to thrive. That's a good image for all the women who might now be facing similar situations.

I wondered if your ex-husband told you WHY he did what he did. How did he answer that question? Maybe there is something we can all learn from it.

smile

Wow, Chick, that is amazing! When two people can get together for healing. It sounds like that phone call was meant to be, and that it was guided for him to oblige your need to talk. That is the way of healing!

Lynnie and Smile, I was healed, but unfortunately my X wasn't. He still has rage and beats his wife (on occassion, which is WRONG). He beat, choked, threw things at me, etc. EVERY DAY, sometimes twice or three times a day for those years.
He told me this:

I was afraid that if you spoke to anyone,I would lose you. I had to keep you for myself.

You were a strong woman and if I kept you down, you would stay. I told you all those horrible things so you would believe them.

You were beautiful and I hated anyone else looking at you. You were mine and mine alone.I was sooo jealous when my friends said anything good about you.I didn't trust anyone.

If you looked at anyone else, I was afraid that you wanted them and not me.

I was young and stupid, young and stupid. I was always afraid that you would leave me so I did everything to make you stay. (he explained this in the sense of knowing it was wrong, but didn't know the difference back then)

I had low self estem and felt closed in with a lot of responsibility, than I tried to handle, but didn't know how.

I want to add this: When I spoke about certain instances, my X had no recollection and replied, "I did that?"

The conversation lasted over 3 hours(obviously too much to post here) with an "I'm sorry, I will always love you and I'll never marry again." I told him the same.

I told him to treat his girlfriend right and never hurt her.

I called her the next day(I didn't mention my X and I talking the previous day) and told her,"If you ever need someone to talk to, call me" She did...but thats another story.

This feels like a flusing of the soul girls, hope I'm not boring anyone.
chick

Chick, your sharing is anything but boring! More like wise healing words. Thank you for opening yourself up like this to us. I for one am more grateful than you know.

Hey,
When did we get this topic? Right up until now, chick, I was thrilled with how much we have in common--but this one makes me so, so sad. Of course, like you, I feel like it was in another lifetime. I posted a little about it in another thread. I did not, however, get the resolution you did. My ex refused to acknowledge he did ANYTHING wrong. Still, I at least got a little revenge. In addition to the abuse, he slept around. Years after our divorce he called me to announce "I have Herpes and uh, some other stuff." I laughed out loud at him. Then I panicked, thinking he might have given something to me, and I might have given it, in turn, to my husband. NOPE! A battery of tests showed we were both clear. I LAUGHED SOME MORE! It was the ultimate "what goes around..." Now that I'm older and wiser I honestly think it would have been better to get some real answers out of him. It was good to see what your ex had to say, because I'll bet my ex's would be similar. I do know that he never changed his ways, because his second wife divorced him for abuse and sleeping around, too.

Chatty, I know that "kill him" feeling, but you're right--no man is worth that.

Eagle, you always touch on the healing, which is a reminder I need all too often!

Bless all of you.

The smartest thing a survivor of dv can do is forgive. Forgive herself for staying, forgive the abuser so she can move forward. Hatred keeps us emotionally stalled. What's done is done but we can never allow it to define who we are for the rest of our lives.

Chickadee you don't have a boring bone in your body....I have to say that no matter what excuse these losers/abusers give after the fact, its a pile of donkey dong...There is no excuse or reason for any of it and its all a lot of hooey. They do it because they want to and they can....

My best friend & I are no longer that because of a man who came into her life. He controlled her mentally & physically--and she couldn't see it.

I couldn't understand how she could be with this man. She told me time and time again that her now ex didn't even treat her as badly at his worst.

Now she's done with him--or so we're lead to believe. But I am the bad guy---because I saw him for what he was--and still is.

I still can't understand how she allowed a man to lure her in like he did. It's sad that we are no longer friends because of a man.

I've tried and tried......she wants nothing to do with me now. I no longer have sympathy for her--& I am not wasting my energy on anger.

Everyone who cared about her tried to make her see this man for who he really was. But she wouldn't listen to a soul--she turned her back on the people who truely cared about her. As horrible as it sounds, I got tired of hearing it.

It's not like she had nowhere to go--or nobody to help her. She had friends--family--avenues open to her. And she turned it all down.

It just makes me sad---I was there for her--I tried--and she chose to end a 20+ yr friendship over this. She got annoyed that I didn't see things her way--and we didn't ban her ex from our lives. (he's my husband's best friend). And we saw her kids behind her back--the boyfriend wouldn't allow us to see her--so we couldn't see the kids any other way!

Even having an inside view of abuse--it still boggles my mind. A woman who would otherwise kick someones butt--turned into a stranger.

Kay, it goes with the territory.

Dianne, you said a mouthful. Kay, if my memory serves me correctly, I had a friend that was there for me(at work where HE couldn't have any control)and after it was all over, I couldn't bring myself to be friends with her. Remember this way over 30 years ago, I was so young, but my reasoning is still fresh in my mind. I was ashamed...so ashamed of myself and I didn't want anyone, even my good friend bringing it all up again.(I am not insinuating anything about you here, btw). I wanted it to be over and done. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted to break free. She just wanted to put him down and say I told you so. She, being young and truly meaning no harm, wanted to talk, talk, talk, about it. I walked around alone for many years, not dating or meeting new people, even woman friends, because I wanted to be alone. Maybe it was because of the loss(marriage), maybe because I didn't trust anyone, anymore. I raised my kids alone,without financial support and couldn't afford babysitters, money for coffee etc.I just felt like I didn't belong...
I am glad I started writing here about those days. I could cry for (me)that young girl, way back then, she was sad...so sad. And lonely... but she came through it at her own pace in her own time. She is a pillar of strength today and has helped and continues to help others through their ordeal.
Kay, I cannot suggest anything here that might work except this. Call her up and say "How about a coffee and a chat on new beginnings, and I promise we won't talk one word about 'you know who'. Tell her you love her and want her friendship back on her terms...and btw what are they?"
Just a thought from my perspective, Kay. Is it worth one more try? Good luck if you decide. I'll add a prayer for you.

chick

She is telling you and everyone she ignored that you were right and now her ego won't allow her to be pityed by anyone. Even if you might never bring it up in her mind she'd believe you were always saying silently, "told you so." She is a lost cause right now, let it go, not worth the heartbreak. When and if she can deal with the humiliation, she'll come around...

[ November 10, 2005, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I think you are right Chick. It is hard to be with an intimate friend at a time when the person with whom we have been most intimate has betrayed us. Somehow that kind of betrayal can make even the intimacy of a friendship seem dangerous.

I would give the friend some time to heal. Maybe sending her a card periodically saying how you miss her and need her friendship, but understand and allow her some space until she is ready to be friends again.

smile

[ November 11, 2005, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Thanks for the help everyone!!!
This person has been my friend since I was 17--so it's rather hard dealing with it all.
I will continue to try and reach out to her--I think the emotions are still very raw to both of us.
I get selfish at times--I need my friend right now in dealing with my life & she's not there.
I get mad at her for not allowing me into her world as she's living it right now.
We both need one another & are backing off into our own little corners.

I can understand how there are some woman who aren't strong enough to tell a man where he can go--that they are a product of their enviorment...
but my friend was a very strong person. She had friends & family all around her who cared, and would do anything for her. How she got to such a place inside where she allowed a man to treat her the way he did....makes me both mad and sad.

No matter how close, no one ever really knows what goes on inside a marriage. Even the closest friend is outside that most important relationship. A friend can only listen and support. And advice, no matter how well intentioned, it to be either accepted or ignored.

When your friend is ready, she will be back. Just let her know you are always there for her.

smile

Smile, your words speak the truth.
Kay B, how is it going with your friend?
chick

Some women never want to mention a bad or abusive relationship again and others, like myself, write a book about it! We all heal in different ways, don't we?

I like smile's idea of sending occasional cards. No need to write any long message. SOmetime syou can find a perfect message, then just sign it and stick it in the mail. Much better than an email too!

Chick: You are a courageous woman! Thanks for sharing your story. Altough sad, it's inspiring.

Dianne: your words regarding forgiveness are gold.

To women who've never experienced DV it is difficult to picture such a situation and relate to someone who is going through it.

It is certainly so easy to say "I would've done this or that instead", but each situation is different even with all the similarities, and unless you are in that kind of situation no one can even start to imagine what the other is going through.

God bless all those who battle DV and those who spread love and inspiration one way or the other.

During a book signing, this woman approaches me and goes on and on about her abusive husband, who she divorced. After she had talked for a long time, I asked her how long it had been and she said 16 years!!!! I lost all sympathy for her at that moment. Get over it! Even her grown children had abandoned her due to the bitterness and anger.

Another woman who was 70 years old and absolutely beautiful, told me she had recently left her very abusive husband after years of abuse and when he karate chopped her in the back of her neck and hurt her so badly, she was hospitalized. It was only then that she told her grown son what was going on and he immediately moved her out of the house and set her up in a nice apartment. She was shaking as she spoke with me. So many years wasted but she finally did the right thing.

Dianne, I'm sad to hear of the 70 year old woman, imagine all the years, and it is shameful that a man of that age continues to batter.

When I first encounted the abuse of my ex-husband we lived in upstate NY in 1994. I met a lovely lady in her late 60s who was planning on leaving her husband (retired Navy) b/c he was physically, mentally, verbally and sexually abusive. She said the later was the worst b/c she was not the youth she once was, yet very stricking to look at (kind of like Kathryn Hepburn). He would become very jeolous if other men (regardless of age) looked at her. And I thought, gosh she is my grandmothers age, who would want to hurt my (or anyones for that matter) grandmother? Yet, sadly, it does occur.

I've been sitting on your forgiveness advice for a while, Dianne. You wrote that the smartest thing a victim can do is forgive....You know I write about forgiveness too. I bypassed forgiveness in regards to the DV of the man I was married to in young adulthood. I'm neutral toward him now. I could care less. I don't think about him, or remember him, or obsess about him anymore, or anything. If he's dead or alive, I just don't care. My father, the molester, he's dead, and I forgave him in my own personal way. My brother, the other molester, he's alive, and we rebuild our relationship the best we can based on forgiveness. As for myself, that is the hardest to forgive. I don't think I would advise victims to forgive abusers so readily. Hold abusers accountable, first. Forgive, only if and when ready. I would advise victims to forgive themselves. And I think that forgiveness does not look the same to each one of us. I suppose my neutrality to my ex husband may be perceived as forgiveness to some, others may think that I should throw in a dose of compassion for him in order for it to really be forgiveness. I have no compassion for that menace to society who was married at least 8 times! 4 kids that I know of and never paid child support. So I wonder is it okay to say that it is the smartest thing to forgive? Does that mean a victim is stupid if she does not forgive? Or cannot forgive? Aren't there some crimes that are just so heinous as to be unforgiveable? Is neutrality a form of forgiveness? Is saying, "Father forgive them" enough? I mean, I've said that: "Father, forgive them, "when I haven't yet been able to. I leave it up to God to forgive my ex because I just don't care. After all, who am I to judge how, who, and in what form forgiveness should be. Am I too literal?

Today on Dr. Phil he spoke of forgiveness of an abuser as a letting go. He said forgivness was about letting go of anger and bitterness and resentment. If that's the case, then I'm on the right path.

I believe in forgiving from a distance. Not face to face. But in your heart. If we don't, it only hurts us and keeps us tied to the abuser, if only in our thoughts.

It's about us, not the abuser. I didn't want to live a life filled with bitterness. I had to forgive for my own sake but he never knew it.

I forgave my X husband on the phone, that day I meantioned earlier in this post. His genuine apology was what it took for me to accept it, forgive him and move on. We see each other at our children's important functions and are very respectful to each other.I wouldn't want it any other way. My life is to short and my heart is too full to harbor anything only peace...my peace. I am speaking for myself here and I speak my truth, no one elses. It is what worked for me. We are all different and have to do what works for us.

chick

Yes and me the hard ass just invited my ex over for Thanksgiving since he has no where else to go this year and I decided to cook and am having a small get together. We act like acquaintences and are civil but thats all. It's better than being nasty and mean which only upsets me. I prefer to feel happy and content...Good for you Chickadee. It can be done in some cases only.

Chatty you do much more the item #2 on your to do list each day! For example, you

feed the needy
rescue the animals
entertain the callers
support the sisters
etc etc etc
much more than mere survival
anyone can survive. You, girlfriend, you GIVE!