Number5, Here's a website about addiction that came in my email this morning from beliefnet.com. Maybe it will be of interest to you.
http://www.beliefnet.com/healthandhealing/getcontent.aspx?cid=14185

It sounds as if you feel that moving to a new state is your only hope of escape from what sounds like enslavement to your family. Surely there is employment nearby that would enable you to establish your independence, but help out when you feel it is justified. Geographic separation is not the answer if you maintain the emotional dependence.

You can conquer your fear of being alone only by facing it down. And only if you can separate yourself from what appears to be a toxic co-dependency, can you give your granddaughter the role model she needs to grow up emotionally healthy.

We're all wishing you the best and praying for you.

smile

I 'm going to get blasted for this but will say it anyway....Number 5, you said "i would rather live in a troubled house, than live alone" ... you've also said, your husband has a drinking problem, etc. etc. you've also said you are employed, which indicates you are not financially depend upon your husband.... sounds to me, any three year old, whose mom makes the choices she has and whose grandmother would rather live in turmoil than go it alone, is the only one i'd be concerned about, she is in need of protection. Sorry, but this little girl, should be in foster care until some adults get their act together.

My daughter is a loving, caring mother. Just because someone gets into trouble when they are 19 and the wheels of justice grind slowly and she is now 23, does not make her a poor parent. She bathes, dresses, works for, plays with, buys toys for, takes to the park, cooks and prepares meals for her daughter. She loves her with all her heart. My daughter has issues that need to be addressed, true, but would you take a child away from a cancer patient? What makes mental or emotional illness any different than physical illness?
I am a responsible, intelligent, caring grandparent and parent who is experiencing a tumultous time in my growth as an individual. But, I will make it and we will all be fine. This is what I get for allowing myself to be vulnerable to a community of women??!!
The foster care program in this state LOSES children and don't check to see if they are mistreated. The foster care program in this state enlists toothless, dirty people with dirty homes to care for children and you would propose to put my precious grandaughter in a strange environment with people who don't think her dancing like a princess is cute and laugh at her antics, who could care less that she has earned big girl panties now or that she love Dora the Explorer??!!
You can be sure that I will not be posting on this site again.

Number5...everyone here has an opinion...it is not the opinion of all. Not everything that is mentioned will work for you, some is helpful some not.
If, you didn't love your daughter or granddaughter you wouldn't be here sharing your heart with all of us. Each and everyone one of my children have made choices I didn't agree with, but, I always stood close by to help in any manner I could.
It's just about all you can do...stand by in case they need a hand for support. Absolutely nothing is stronger than a mama's love, or her ability to support that love.
Sounds from what I'm reading, you decided to rent an apartment and have your daughter and granddaughter with you. Not sure I wouldn't do the same thing. You love them both much, and it shows.
What ever you decide...it will be the right thing.

Really too bad your husband isn't more loving and understanding, but... your seeing the "real" person now. Not a pretty sight.

Like you I do not believe, foster care to be the answer. Too much love within your heart for that.

I have found a lot of support here, some I agree with...some not. Take what you can use and leave the rest. Don't take your self away because you don't agree with all.
Just take what information you can use and leave the rest.
Everyone is just trying to help in their own way.
My thoughts and prayers, have been with you.

Number5, really I thought more of you than to see you bolt and run away at the first person whose comment tested your resolve. You are the one that has maligned your own daughter, with reason. And you have maligned your husband to us also with good reason and dear heart you have even maligned yourself to us. We are here as a family, people you can trust and complain to and we listen and we try to help BUT here you also need to take the bad with the good...It is what we do, all of us. I have been at times terribly thought of as a B-witch because I am truthful enough to call em as I se em....We all have had to take some lumps and hopefully we grow from them too. I had to laugh because you have been pretty hard on your daughter in here and then when someone said something rough about her, like the tiger mother you sprang to her defense. Now the question is, do you believe the defense you just gave her? Stay, we need you here to help others and please do not lose trust, we are ALL trying to help whatever way we can....HUGS

nember5, please look for a private message from me. I have faith that your life will turn around because you are aware of your concerns, and willing to do something to make them better for you and your family. Keep the faith.

Number5, I hope you're still reading even if you aren't responding right now. You have such a heavy load and so much stress - it's easy to see why you are defensive when it comes to your daughter. I read all of this last night and have been thinking about it since.

I've tried to put myself in your place to figure out what I'd do, but I can't. I agree that having that little girl put into a foster home is unthinkable unless there is absolutely no other way. Being forced to choose who comes first between your husband and your daughter and granddaughter is unreasonable. All three of them are important.

The most important person right now, in my opinion, is you. If you aren't ok, none of them will be, either. I'm not sure any of us can tell you what is best or what is right; so I'd like to say you should think about what would make you feel best and work from there.

Don't feel you're being selfish if you put yourself first in this situation; I feel it is the most generous thing you could do because you will be giving the best of yourself to your granddaughter, your daughter and your husband. They will respect you for the loving and intelligent woman you are.

Number5, my dear, every woman here is your sister. When you ask a sister for her advice, or opinion, you expect her to give you an honest answer, based on information you provide. We are all sympathetic to your situation.

We've all been in situations that seem to have no resolution. We may have found ourselves caught in a cycle, a circle of behavior, or of day to day living, that we have known must alter, or else we shall continually suffer, mentally, physically, emotionally. Actual steps have to be taken, to cause this alteration. Steps that may be prompted by good, honest, informed advice from another caring human being, who has the benefit of viewing a situation through the eyes of objectivity.

Advice is what is offered, after facts are weighed, circumstances are understood, problems made clear, and constructive ways in which to correct the problem are divined. Genuine advice is meant as a prompter to positive action.


http://www.intouchwithjeannine.com

Number5, I think Danita's quote:

"As long as there is breath, there is hope"

might be appropriate here.

I continue to ponder your situation and offer prayers for you and your loved ones.

Thank you all. No matter what problems we have or what differences, we are sisters and I appreciate all your advice.