Chatty, I love your straightforward approach. He really is a jerk. I'm just looking for that point of no return then my plan is to grab up my grandaughter and head for Nebraska where her brother lives and I have the support, love and respect of other family members and a job awaits me. The main thing keeping me here is my youngest who seems to be in another 'serious' relationship, this time with a rap magazine promoter instead of a drug dealer. In his own way he is alright, but not good 'father' material for my grandaughter. It seems men if his ilk think it is a status symbol to "put a baby in a woman". What kind of thinking is that anywayi??!! I fear my daughter will try to move in with him and have my grandaughter with her. I will take her to NE so fast she'll get whip lash on the way! I'm so angry right now. I didn't sleep at all last night and have to work all day and worry about keeping my job so I can support evryone...my stomach is very upset.
My husband stormed out of the house this morning slamming the door and peeling out of the driveway because I lay awake worrying about where my daughter and grandaughter were going to live. He said he should come first. I'm getting rapidly to that point of no return. Thank you ladies for your support and prayers.

Number5, my heart aches for you because in all your posts I realize that you know what is right, but due to all the people involved, you have a tough decision to make.

I see your pace in life as spinning wheels. You need to take time to be still and silently consider to whom your allegiance lies. Is it to yourself, your daughter, grandaughter, or your husband. Make notes, lists, whatever you need to do to make this decidion. Then decide how you will go about fulfilling that allegiance. Be intentional about this. It's your life, and deep down you want to be fulfilled. You can do it...

Thank you, Dotsie. I will try to find that time. I pray on my way to work every day. I have a 30min. drive. It helps. God reminded me lately that 'Unless God builds the house, the labor is in vain.' I need God to be the builder of my future houses.

Numbers5, I feel that you want to that which is best, especially for the grandaughter. Not only do you want your grandaughter to have a fulfilling life, you do not want her to make the same mistakes her mother (your daughter) made.

Whilst at the same time, you have a great deal of love for your husband and daughter, both of whom place heavy demands upon your shoulders and it appears that neither returns the favor.

Tough love, we've all heard that, your daughter needs to grow up! It is unfair that your husband expects you to work full-time and then assist him with the apartment complex. He must have some other means of support (either through the post office or a retirement?). Why must you work two jobs and support your daughter?

This is a decision with consequences, and unfortunately regardless of which decision you make, even though you are in the right, they will blame you for their inadequacies or shortcomings. Do not be a scapegoat.

Preferably, I would take the daughter, granddaughter and move to NE where you've stated a job is awaiting you. If you do this, please ensure to set ground rules for the daughter. Perhaps her brother can locate a shelter that has counseling (group counseling is good b/c she can learn from others). She needs job skills and perhaps begin taking a course at the local tech school. She can (needs) look into any public assistance involving education, groceries, employment, etc.

I'm praying that God will help with the decision, too. It's difficult to say "give it to the Lord," but sometimes we must!

Ladies, I see this as urgent. My husband and daughter will not be able to get along, even if she and my grandaughter live a few blocks from us. He stated this morning that he is going to let the people wanting him to manage the apartment complex that he can't do it and will sell 'his' house and rent an apartment for himself.
My daughter says she won't be the reason I leave my husband and I assured her she and my grandaughter aren't the reason. I told her I was going to look for an apartment today big enough for the 3 of us that I can afford. She then stated that she and my grandaughter would just move in with her boyfriend who is 45!! and has a roommate who has a child in a 3 BR apartment far away from where I live.
My blood is ice water today. Even though my daughter is on probation and is facing all kinds of legal issues and can't leave the state, she still is 23 and my grandaughter's mother.
If I try to snatch my grandaughter up today and run to another state to live where I and she have support and a life awaits us there, she will surely call the authorities or write me off forever and accuse me as she always does of ruining her life.
She is talking about getting a job as a bartender while in a drug rehab program??!! I cried this morning and almost had a breakdown because I want so much to just bolt and leave both my husband and my daughter for my sake and the sake of my grandaughter.
My daughter claims that she isn't using drugs and hasn't been drinking for a long time now....a month or more....says her boyfriend is responsible for keeping her feet firmly planted and that's OK for her, she is an adult, but my 3 yr. old grandaughter has had enough drama in her life.
My daughter wanted to go out to the club last night with her friends when she had to be at work this morning at 8. I tried to encourage her not to go. My husband threw a fit and she didn't go. Now she is angry.
My daughter may be right, I may just be using she and her daughter as an excuse to leave my husband. For whatever the reasons, I need peace in my life and safety and sanity for myself and my grandaughter. As my daughter reminded me this morning,"She's MY daughter, mom, and even though we need you, we don't have to live with you."
I don't know what to do!!!????

Number, I agree with Dotsie's advice. When you write your feelings down, you can see the truth in black and white. The ones who are placing so many demands on you are trying to manipulate you and would like you to deny reality. By writing your story, you will be more sure of what you need to do.

I did this while going through my divorce and I can't tell you how much it helped. Whey my x would try his tactics, I would read my journal and it would strengthen me.

I pray for you to have courage and peace.

Daisygirl

Basically, when I write in this forum, I am journaling. When I read the things I have written, if I were one of you reading this, I would cringe.
I'm allowing myself to be held hostage and I know that's not what God would want for me. I want the respect of both my husband and daughter, but more importantly, I want to have self respect.
My husband can't mentally take the drama of life with a 3 yr. old and a 23 yr. old spoiled, manipulator, trying to get her life together. He can't take much and likes things simple and very easy going. So do I, but life isn't always like that, certainly not for me. He says you can make your life that way by telling everyone else to ***off. Sometimes you can't tell everyone else to &&&off.
I've never lived alone and I'm afraid to. I would rather live in a troubled home with other people than live alone.
Loneliness is terrifying. I can't take the drama either and living with my husband is constant drama if things don't go just exactly the way he wants them to.
So, ladies, please keep me in your prayers and I will wait to see what develops as I give this over to God to handle it for me.

Number5, you state you have never lived alone and are afraid of it. Sometimes this is why the known evil is chosen over the unknown, even if you have very good reason to believe that the unknown HAS to be better.

Move. Don't be afraid, because the strength is inside you. You'll be surprised how strong you are once you give yourself permission.

Move. Your daughter may screw up, but she needs to learn how to take care of herself. She's an adult. As long as you let her jerk your strings, she'll do it. Also let her know that you'd be happy to take your granddaughter whenever the burden gets too much for her. My guess is, when she's 100% in charge of your granddaughter, without you coming in to pick up the pieces of her mess every single time, she may learn responsibility -- or at the very least, realize that she isn't mature enough to handle it, and relinquish the child to you.

Do you have any trusted friends? Your daughter may call the authorities if you "steal" your granddaughter, but if you had someone to watch for you, you can call child authorities to complain of her neglect. As a matter of fact, you should do it now, before you leave. Write down everything she's screwing up, because she seems unfit to be a parent.

Your daughter and husband will learn how to fend for themselves. You need to do the same. As long as you stay, the cycle of abuse will continue.

Move. You are strong enough. We will all send our love and prayers, and hold you up in our virtual arms.

May the Universe bless and protect you.

Number5 you also stated you could move out of state where you had a job waiting for you. Merediths advice is sound and really the only option you have to save your sanity and your health. Living alone does not mean lonliness. You can make friends at work or even join a support group wherever you move to. Does your daughters probation and/or legal issues mean possibly jail time? If this is a possiblilty you may need to take on the care of your grand daughter anyway. Perhaps turning her in would be the best way to give her time to heal. This is such a delema and I feel for the confusion that must be racing through your mind....

Chatty Lady and Meredithbead, my daughter can't leave the state and move with her daughter and I. If I stick my neck out for her one more time, it will be the last time. She is either facing prison or program, one or the other. If prison, I know I'll have my grandaughter, if program, she will be living outside but in intense counselling and training. Probably won't be able to work full time to support herself so will need my money, time and transportation.
My husband told the people that we won't be managing the apartment complex so we don't have to move until the house closes.
Now my choices are either stay with my husband and let my daughter and grand sink or leave my husband and rent my own place where my daughter, grand and myself can live, or let my daughter move in with her boyfriend and let my grand and I have our own place, or move to another state and let all three of them go down.
Legally can't take the grandaughter and run or daughter can press charges and then the both of us or maybe just me would spend time vacationing in the crossbar hotel.