Oh Susanna (thats a song isn't it)..

So good to hear..sometimes we want to throw the baby away WITH the bathwater!

I would really encourage you to get the book "his needs her needs" and after you read it - have him read it (or do it together).

It talks about relationships being like a bank -- we have to make deposits - or there is NOTHING in it to withdraw. It also talks about what deposits look like. It isn't a "heavy" read, but in my book, it is a "must read".

Happy days!

hugs,
danita

Danita and Susanna,

Best advice, Danita! Yes, Susanna, get the book - or anything else which explains the differences between men and women! There are biological differences, which make things much easier to understand - or should I say neurological differences? Well, Men are from Mars, Women, from Venus - I still say, never a truer word said!!!! Or from movie Karate Kid - "Same, but different..."

I didn't read back, but do you have children? Of different sexes? I did. And believe me, when my son was born later than my daughter, it was immmediately apparent that gender was never dependent upon my response to this child....He was a HE from the get-go. Almost born making engine noises, interested in very different aspects of this world than was my daughter. I was a single mom, and really didn't think I made a difference in how I treated them = making sure they could both play with trucks and dolls. But each made their choice in a New York minute - simply no question. Which leads me to say, that they must THINK differently, and I believe this is the case. (That is not to say that this is not a continuum, which I believe it is.....maleness and femaleness are not absolutes, but a sliding scale....as you most certainly know, women are sometimes just a little more aggressive than you might expect, and men a little more sensitive...thus, a continuuum of gender. So, I guess, you may derive that I believe this is a matter of biology, not choice. ) In my own children's case, it surprised me to see (literally) the differences between them. Nichole was the epitomy of femininity and my son Sam, the hallmark of maleness....and I had interest in their differences....Still do.

So, today, I try , still as a single mom, to understand that I am not male. And temper my advice to my son - thinking that he thinks differntly from myself. It's hard. He really has always needed a male mentor, and I simply cannot provide it. Sadly. But he has "turned out" well. We all, after all, have not had a perfect life or upbringing...

Education is always the key.... Educate yourself and any you provide for.....it's the best thing to do.

Searcher

Oh yes, and about those deposits....Absolutely!!!!!!Investment is the key. The more you invest today, the more you get back tomorrow. Money or relationships, no difference. So make those investments!!!!!!You will be repaid, 10 fold! Be calm, learn all you can, and invest in yourself, your spouse, and your children. You will be duly rewarded. Of this I am sure. You know, "What do you know for sure?" Well, this is what I know for sure.


Searcher

Danita and Searcher,

Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I've ordered it 'used' on Amazon.com - what a great way to buy inexpensive books. I think I needed to be reminded of how very different men and women really are. I do believe I had forgotten that.

Last night I had a church group at my home and I noticed Mark didn't treat me as if I was in the least bit more special than anyone else. In fact, he barely looked at me, much less touch me. I took a moment to let him know privately how I felt so he would have the opportunity to a) be aware and b)change his behavior if he chose to do so. He was VERY surprised to know he was doing this and he changed his behavior when we rejoined the group.

We haven't figured out why he does this yet, but at least he's open to knowing he is, and willing to change. What's weird is that when we're alone he's very attentive, engaging and interactive. In a group, I don't think anyone would even guess we were together, which I find painful. Does anyone else have this problem?

My dh is never touchy-feely in a group situation but is very much so at home where it counts. He works hard, does not hang out in bars or step out with other women. He does nothing to bring shame to me or his family, only makes us proud. For me, that is what counts in the public eye, not whether he touches me physically.

susanna, you spoke, he listened, keep doing it. Speak with gentleness and always at a time when what you need to speak about isn't an issue.

I highly recommend reading Quiet Times for Couples. Here's the Amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1565076982/qid=1135771143/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/102-9963482-2098509?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

It's an old book but the topics are timeless.

It's a daily devotional for married couples. It allows you the opportunity to discuss issues when you aren't smack in the middle of them. We did it years ago and have given it to several young couples since.

I wish for better tiems ahead in your marriage. It's worth working towards.

MAny many men are not demonstative in public, don't know why they just aren't. Kind of like a guy thing I think. At least he was open to what you were saying....

Do you love him for who he is or who you want to make him into?

I know more than a few women who would give years off their life to have a man like Mark. To me it's like being a Christian...you want a man who will talk the talk or walk the walk?

That's a no-brainer for me.

You wrote: "Mark is so many things I do want in a man, he's smart, kind, sensitive, hard-working, responsible, a good father, loves his family, and tried his level best to make his 18-year marriage work before she left. We are very active in church and he is very well liked by many people there."

Hi ThistleCove,

I'm frightened to say I don't really know if I love him for who he is or who I want him to become. I do know that when he ignores me in public I feel inwardly crushed, especially since he's so attentive at home or when we're alone. He does pay plenty of attention to everyone else in the room, men and women, and we discussed it recently as to why. We've determined that I am the "known person" so he focuses his attention on the group or other people. He does not even seem to realize he's doing this but I've pointed it out and he says he will change.

Tonight he did it again - didn't even look at me or say hello when he walked into the restaurant where we met with his family. I told him I need to feel like I'm the most special person in the room to him. Am I being stupid, or a brat, or just plain unrealistic? Anymore, I'm not even sure and maybe I shouldn't just go by how I feel - maybe I ought to go more by my head, but it's really hard to do that when I'm hurting so much.

Sheesh - I truly wish I wasn't so "flaky" in this area but I have to admit it's where I'm at right now.

Ladies - a breakthrough. I realized this "thing" had become a stronghold for me, and was the evil one's method for getting to me, and taking Mark down too. Since it has me so "undone" I finally realized I had to grab hold of it, take AUTHORITY over it, and squash it. Once I did that, I began to see clearly how unreasonable I had become and, praise God, Mark too realized it was something beyond just my insecurity. As the evil one used Eve to take Adam down, he was trying to use me to take down Mark. Evil did not get its day in the sun and ended up speaking on this topic at my prayer group. Everyone recognized how the evil one takes a tiny bit of truth, blows it up to look like a mountain, and tries to take us down with it.

Interestingly, I think this ladies forum also somehow "knew" that this needed to be resolved in another way and that's at least part of why responses laid low waiting for that to happen.