As badly as I was treated, my brother two years younger actually bore the brunt of Mom's ineptness as a Mother. He's a mess today.

So, your mother basically found another victim I guess.

I too was the family scapegoat and it created a false sense of power. How powerful that a child is responsible for all the problems in the family. I took the burden on my shoulders where it was placed. I could, single handed, ruin a marriage or destroy my sister. On and on. I didn't stop this nonsense until I was 45 years old with the help of a therapist.

The sad treatment here makes me want to cry but I see so many survivors and concentrate on that.

My mom wasn't worried about what we said, we just had to be clean all the time. Ultra clean. She was obsessed with cleanliness and still is.

I think this false power can lead us into becoming a rescuer of others. We can help and save others when in truth, we can't help or save us!

It led to co-dependancy with me. I didn't do anything for myself because I felt guilty and selfish. If I had a small achievement, I usually kept it to myself because my Mom would say I was getting "big-headed". That's why I'm trying really hard to get thick skinned and promote myself. Remind myself that I'm worthy of being loved and I do have a God given talent ( my MIL words) to write and to give him the credit. Which I do. Those self-doubts, imbedded in our minds for so long can hurt so bad, every once in a while they come back to take another jab, that's when I start self talking again, saying positive things about myself. Reminding myself that my God loves me, as does my husband, sweet MIL and my kids and grandkids adore me. I'm blessed and I tune out the voice by reminding myself of my grandkids sweet little faces and the feel of their arms around my neck giving me that unconditional love I looked for and craved my entire life.

Sorry, didn't mean to write a book. This is just a subject I feel strongly about. I am a survivor!! I've been to hell and came back refined by the process. I still have days, but I'm a different person from 13 years ago.

Sherri

This poem isn't one from my book, but it seems to fit right in here.


A NEW DAY, HOT OFF THE HORIZON

Slowly, ere so gently,
like a meandering meadow stream
life is spreading tendrils warm
into my tangled being.
Light is flickering stronger now
where darkness kept me blind.
Whispers of epiphany
are beckoning my mind
to come and play with hope again,
to watch horizons rise
with unexpected promises
of days that might surprise.
With brand new possibilities
replacing old despair,
the road I’m on delights me now,
the winds of change me dare
to fly with wings I’ve always owned
but kept too close to home -
I spread those eagle’s wings and step
into the sky and soar.

~ ©Sharon C. Matthies, May 2005, Ottawa

SUMMARIZING THE JOURNEY THUS FAR

1. The Broken Self: be aware of how your depression manifests itself:

Mangled Thinking
- Confusion and distorted thinking are crippling symptoms of depression;
- Deafens us to other voices, other possibilities;
- You can map yourself out with Truth, Knowledge and Compassion.

Self-Ostracism
- We hibernate, withdraw from our loved ones out of guilt, shame, fear and inability to cope
- Prepare your network of support – tell people what to expect and how to be there for you
- During the good days, prepare yourself – steep yourself in truth, knowledge and compassion


2. The Repair Kit: Rewire Your Attic with the proper tools:

TRUTH: shines the light of possibility into our lostness and diminishes the hold darkness has over us.
- What are the lies whispering at you from your attic?
- Replace those negative lies with positive core truths (YOUR positive core truths might be worded differently to better fit who YOU are):
** You are lovable and capable.
** Your life matters; you have a unique meaning and niche in this world that nobody else can fill.
** You am more than your depression, depression is not the totality of who you are – define yourself with the truth.
** God has not abandoned you – you are not alone.

SELF-KNOWLEDGE: becomes our map out of the quicksand of mangled thinking.
- Know that you are in control of your choices from this point on.
- Know who you are – and who you’re not.
- Know your core truths to the depth of your being – steep yourself in truth during your good days.
- Know your particular needs and limitations:
** take “downtime” to replenish your energy’s fuel tank.

COMPASSION : is our candle and companion-along-the-way in the blinding darkness.
- Dare to believe that there is no such thing as being “beyond redemption”...you are loved unconditionally.
- Caress your woundedness with your own understanding and compassion.
- Forgive yourself for being wounded.
- Become your own best friend.
- Celebrate who you’ve become and all it has taken for you to get to your “here and now”.


3. The reward? Eventually mapping your way out of the quicksand, finding your own piece of that "dazzling sky" (thanks, Meredith) and freeing within you your own wings to carry you there.

[ September 09, 2005, 12:12 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Did you gals get conflicting messages from your parents? I think my mother was trying to make me think I was crazy or trying to confuse me.

One day she was waiting for me in the car as I ran into the store. When I got in the car she said, "I notice that people look at you funny because you don't smile." Crazy #1. Then, I'm laughing and smiling at something on another day and she tells me I don't look pretty when I smile. Crazy #2. I believe it was intentional and to this day, I still don't think I have a pretty smile. Sad, sad, sad.

The one that confused me was "get that ugly look off your face". I couldn't figure out what "look" she was talking about, especially since the line got thrown at me when I was smiling, scowling, happy, angry, thinking, crying, whatever. Despite spending time "researching" her comment in the mirror, trying to find that "ugly look" she kept talking about, all I ever saw was my own face.