What about her dinners. Do I do them. I have to cook for my own and husband when hes at work. I am trying to detatch from her. As for not picking up after her, I dont want him coming home from work and seeing the house in a mess. I'd feel it was a petty thing to do. At the end of the day it does sound daft me saying sorry I didnt tidy that up thats her mess.Sounds a bit childish

I'd cook her dinners because it would only make things worse. I don't know, maybe if he saw the mess she left, he might get the hint. When my kids were that age, I didn't pick up after them. They were old enough to start doing that.

I understand the seriousness of this situation, but perhaps a comedic outlook might be in order.

In my opinion, there is actually a lot of untapped comedy in the very idea of a well kept house. And dinner on the table for a husband coming home? Now there's a real joke. And a kid expecting to sit on the stairs not allowing me past might enjoy the image of the results of a weak bladder. At least the other kids would probably enjoy that image.
And when she accuses you of being the bad stepmother, just hand her a broom and call her cinderella. Some of her whines and accusations are probably becoming repetitive and you can anticipate them in a monotone voice as if from a tape recorder when you see them coming. My kids hate that, but I love it.

I know ricicule can be hurtful, but if you look at the situation as a scene in the human comedy it really can be funny. Laughing with my kids at their imperfections and mine has diffused a lot of potentially serious situations. Tragicomedy is a wonderful way of looking at things. And it can actually be therapeutid for the whole family to realize that they are loved despite their ridiculous habits, whines, dramas, and general all around silliness.

I was reminded of that at lunch with my youngest. Here she is a CPA out of college with kids of her own and she's still whining about some halloween in Jr. High when I forgot her at school. If I say anything even remotely critical. She goes into this melodrama about how I warped her for life by forgetting forgot her at Halloween. And when she complains about something I have done I say she should be thankful I didn't leave her at school on Halloween. And any problem she has with her kids we bring into focus by just saying "Halloween." Then we all giggle and move on. Maybe you can find something like that to smooth out the rough spots.

A little comedy can ease a lot of bad feelings.
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Thanks for that. But knowing my stepdaughter she wouldnt find it remotly funny. In fact I know it would make her worse.
Shes not at all happy with her daddy today, he woke her early, and she was tired. Ya know why. Cos she had me up till gone 3.30am stomping around her room, going in and out making so much noise. How I have got through today at work I will never know. What with only having 2 1/2 hrs sleep.

The point is not for Her to find it funny. The point is for You to find it funny. It will help you put the situation in perspective and give you time to come up with an appropriate response.

I don't mean to trivialize the problem, but from the outside looking in, it is humorous. Imagine a woman considering leaving a man she loves and has waited nine years to marry all because a child of thirteen doesn't pick up her clothes, refuses to move from the stairs, and plays loud music.

It could be so much worse and the problem is, it probably will get worse. At thirteen, she has a lot of growing up to do. Wait til she gets a car. Oh my gosh that's a whole new scenario. Then there's the boyfriends and the girlfriends and the bad friends and the terrible music and the possibility of drinking or using drugs. All that is to look forward to. And after that, you have an eight year old to go through all that with. Oh my gosh, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I know she is hurting you, but really the things she is doing don't sound terrible for a thirteen year old. And at this point of her development, a degree of jealousy of her father's mate is probably a normal resolution of the Electra complex. Add to that the stress of adjusting to a new lifestyle and the combination of raging hormones in two females and you have an explosive situation.

To let her even think she has the power to end the marriage would be disastrous for her and for you. It doesn't sound as if she is doing drugs or breaking the law which reminds me of another of my daughter's famous sayings. To just about any complaint during her teen years, she would answer, "Well Mom, at least I'm not out doing drugs and robbing Seven Elevens."

Actually that put things in perspective and I use it myself now. When she complains that I am doing too much or something, I just say, "Well Becky, I could be out doing drugs or robbing Seven Elevens." We laugh, she shuts up, and I have time to consider what she has said.

Just trying to help.
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I somehow missed the part about her calling you a name. Did her father hear that? If he didn't defend you, he may be the one who deserves your anger. She is a child. He is a man. And he is your husband.

If he allows her to even think she can come between you, it is bad for both her and you. A child who comes between the parent of the opposite sex and her mate can develop serious problems that follow them for life.

I agree with whoever suggested counseling if he cannot understand the importance of defending his mate to his daughter.
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its not just the things you mentioned I.E the picking up of clothes not moving on the stairs. Its her attitute towards me and every one around her. I have talked to a freind about this, and she said make a joke of it. She'll look silly not you, cos yr getting on with your life. It hasnt just been the past few months like this. It has been 9 YEARS. And I think its time the girl realised where the respect should be given. And where she should draw the line. It doesnt hurt for a little help everyday. I dont want her cleaning the whole house. I just want her to show respect for her surroundings.

I don't feel there is anything remotely funny about this entire situation. In a normal situation where a kid just does dumb things, that's one thing but to call your stepmother foul names and continually show disrespect isn't funny. It's foul and destructive. You can't imagine how horrible it is until you've lived through or with it.

As a matter of fact, I have lived with it. In fact, I lived with a thirteen year old step daughter when I was in my twenties. I lived with her attitude problems for five years as they developed into increasingly serious problems. That's why I responded.

I do know how painful this is, but looking back, I can see that if I had used a little humor and not reacted so seriously to the small things I might have avoided the bigger ones that ultimately ended the marriage. If I described the things that eventually evolved from what now appears to be my own over reaction to the smaller things, you would see why the thirteen year old's attitude problems diminish in comparison.

I am not there so I can't know the whole story and I am not unconcerned, but I do speak from experience.
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I've always had a sense of humor and did use it on my kids often but when it came to my stepson flipping me off and tell me to go **** myself, I couldn't find any humorous way to deal with it or respond. And, he was an adult too so it is different than a young teen ager.

I do agree that the husband has to step in and do something here. However, if he refuses, what is she to do? Seems the responsibility of this child has fallen on her shoulders.