Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum but have read some of your posts and everyone seems so welcoming. I hope someone will be able to give me some good advice, I need it!
This is my dilema -
I am 65 and have been a widow for 5 years. I also lost a son the same month 5 years ago so my family and I were very devastated. We dealt with it and the rest of my family and I became closer. I have a daughter and son-in law who live just a mile from me and another son in Alaska who I see as often as possible. Also have two beautiful grandchildren (my daughter's) who really keep me young and active.
I am still fairly good looking and look much younger than my age so about 3 years ago I met a nice man I'll call "G" and we began a relationship after dating for awhile. The problem is we never did really have a lot in common other than loving to dance and just enjoying everyday things together. My family never really cared for him - thought that he wasn't in my "class" and wasn't friendly enough to them. I think he did rather resent my time spent with them so we had a lot of ups and downs about this. He told me he had been married twice and had had a couple of other long term relationships before me. Well, last year he finally confessed to me something terrible in his past. He had been married a third time for about 15 years to a woman with a small daughter. She evidently was very unethical and "crazy" so when he wanted a divorce she tried to take all of his assets which were considerable. He then put up a fight to save some of his property so she responded by telling him that she'd get him! So she then accused him of molesting her daughter when she was a minor about 3 years before. His attorney talked him into pleading "No Lo Contendre" with the promise that he would only have 2 years of probabtion and no other penalties. That was just before Megan's Law took effect a couple of years later. So all of a sudden he had to register as a sex offender for life. That was 15 years ago and in that state after 20 years he may get the offense taken off his record. He is now 70.
Then this year he moved to the neighboring state where he could live in a beautiful senior area and not even be on the website in that state since he is considered low risk. He would be required to be on the website here in my state. I believed that he was innocent since he showed me court documents, etc. and even his own daughter told me how it had happened and how he was caught in a hopeless predicament.
We have spent the last year going back and forth to visit each other and still trying to be a couple. We've continued to have problems with communication issues so even went to counseling for awhile. I think we really solved a lot of the little issues but this last big issue may be too much for me to handle. I realize now that we can't get married since I don't want to be away from my family and grandchildren and he couldn't be here because of the potential embarrasment to them from having to be on the website.
So now my problem is that my daughter just found out about his registration requirement and is being very cautious about him as she should. Now when we are together, they try to avoid me and he wants to avoid them. This has led to my daughter feeling abandoned by me and him feeling like I'm not putting him first in my life. When he's not here everything is fine again with the family and I can have the grandchildren over whenever I want. I really love him in many ways and am so torn about what to do. I know I would be so sad if I had to lose him also. But maybe there is no other choice. I just don't know how I could possibly tell him. He believes we will be together forever. I hope someone has some honest feedback for me. I need another point of view. Thanks for reading this long sad tale. Hopefully I'll be happier when I'm not so confused about what to do.
Jean

You say that you and this guy never did have much in common and that your family didn't like him.Your daughter and grandchildren won't be around him and you've realized you can't marry him.

No one can tell you what you should or should not do but....this does not sound like a relationship with a future at all. Not.

I know he has documents, etc. but would you EVER agree to saying you had molested a young child to save part of your assets? Wouldn't you have hired an atty to make sure you didn't have to do that? Something is very wrong here.

Jean, I just don't see anything good in this. I have learned that our children, grown or young, are the most important things we will ever have and anyone who comes between them and us for any reason just isn't worth it. If it was something silly like your kids being jealous or worried about losing an inheritance, I could say just ignore it and it will go away but this is serious.

I wouldn't let this man near my grandchildren no matter what he or his daughter says. Something just isn't right here and you are at an age where you don't need this kind of drama. I'm 58 and wouldn't want it.

My 2 cents anyway.

mrs_madness,
Thanks so much for telling me what you think. You said it all in a nutshell. I guess I have thought the exact same thing so many times and have tried to get out of the relationship before but he just keeps manipulating me into coming back. You're right, there's no future here at all.
Now my next big step will be to get some backbone!
Thanks, Jean

Dianne,
Thanks also for your thoughts. He did hire an attorney and tried to go to trial but all the attorney wanted to do was settle. He's sorry now for trying to do the fast easy thing but that doesn't fix the problem. It can't be fixed.
You're right that the most important thing we have are our children and I won't compromise that situation anymore. And I don't need the drama! For sure! I love your saying at the bottom of your posts - "If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice."
Jean

Jean, I hope you'll take a look at Dianne's site. She knows what she's talking about. www.eadv.net

I totally agree that nothing is more important than your relationship with your children. I know you would like to be happy with a man too, but there are more fish in the sea. And if not, you have the comfprt of knowing your family is totally comfortable with who you are!

Oh, and welcome to the neighborhood. I hope you'll stick around and let us get to know you.

Jean, the part about him manipulating you into staying in the relationship is another red flag. Why would a mentally healthy person even want to force another person to stay in a relationship? Like, you don't want to be with me...so long. I'm not so desperate that I have to play games to make someone stay with me. This guy scares me!

I believe a normal person would never let an atty settle on such a serious matter. I bet if you did some Internet homework, you could find out more than you ever wanted to know on this guy and it would probably make you shudder.

One thing I do know for sure: The older we get, the more valuable we become. To me, age is something of great value. So, please don't let this man ruin this wonderful part of your life. I know you could do much better.

The part about him moving so he doesn't have to register as a sexual predator...this is why we have young children being raped and murdered by men who live across the street and weren't living where they were supposed to be living by court order. Grr.....

[ May 18, 2006, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Dianne ]

Jean I too met a man many years ago that told me he was falsely accused of being "to friendly" to his young nieces. He said it was just his brothers wifes way of getting rid of him. He swore on the Bible it wasn't true. I unfortunately married this man and three years into the relationship, one night I was putting a card I'd got for him into his briefcase and found several magazines called "Young Pu--y." Sorry about that but the magazine name is important. The girls in those magazines were very young, naked or in scholl girl uniforms etc. naked underneath. They were the vilest pictures you could imagine. I divorced the bastard. Be very very cautious because these pigs LIE, LIE, LIE!!! No man innocent of this kind of crime would allow himself to be labeled as a sex offender, NO MAN not for any amount of money. I was then 55, widowed 14 years and looked 40. Didn't matter. Cut your losses, move on and find a decent guy without a past (if possible.) And rest assured that when it smells like a skunk, its a skunk. God bless....

[ May 18, 2006, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Chatty Lady,
Wow! That hit me hard. I'm so sorry for the pain you must have endured. I don't know how long you were married to him but I hope it wasn't too long. I also hope you're doing OK now.
You're right that I don't see how he could have been talked into not going to court. What he told me was that his lawyer said that there was always a possibility that he would go to prison because his wife and step-daughter (she was 21) would just lie and cry on the stand. She was a known thief and lier and very unethical. He said he couldn't believe he had been living with such a horrible creature for so long. He believed his lawyer when he said not to take a chance and just opt for the plea agreement. He always appeared to me to be one of the most ethical men I've ever known so it's hard for me to believe something so horrible about him.
I guess I have a hard time not believing people since I had such a good marriage to a good man for 40 years. But I will be cautious. I just need to somehow get out of the relationship. I know he thinks everything is fine between us but I've just been having serious doubts. Now it's more than that. Thanks for your input. I do appreciate your candor.
Jean

Hi Jean ,
Even though you are new to this site ,there are hundreds of women that will band togethor to offer advice and support that will help you get out of the relationship.

Listen to Chatty Lady and learn from the pain she endured. Ending the relationship with someone that doesn't live with you is easier then what Chatty had to do. Just because this man is 70 does not mean that he is no longer capable of being a molester. Your daughter may have a guardian angel telling her to be careful and watch this man. If you are looking for a relationship that will last you through the "golden years" you already have it. Your daughter,son-in-law,son and grandchildren. Think what your life would be like if this man does something to one of them? Anyone else that comes into your life is by chance. There are plenty of decent men out there and if you asked your daughter she may even know a few : )

Jean...nothing comes between me and my girls. Nothing and No One!

Almostangel,
Thanks for the offer of support. I may really need it. You're right, nothing is as precious to me as my family and I know there are lots of decent men out there...I'll just be more cautious than ever. I feel really stupid and manipulated now,even if he is totally innocent. He still lied and deceived me.
Pam R., I feel the same way about my kids and more than ever now after listening to all of you. Thanks.

Jean,
Know we are all thinking of you and praying for a suitable outcome for you. Please do not think of yourself as stupid. You are certainly not the first woman to be manipulated by putting their trust in an individual and you won't be the last.

I've always said I would trust someone until they gave me a reason NOT to do so, then they would have to gain that trust all over again, if possible.

Follow your gut. If something doesn't feel right, ....

You have to wonder if you weren't directed here by divine guidance, eh?

God bless,

JJ

Anne,
You're so right. I am too good for him. I think I'm just now beginning to get it. He still thinks we have some amazing connection and wants me to do all the giving i.e. give up time I love with my grandkids, go there to see him, etc. I don't plan to do any of those things again. Now I must get myself over him and let him know it's over. Thanks to all of you.