Chatty is not the only one who observed what appears to be an obsession with this man. I too made that observation when you came on here before and posted incessantly about this man. That was nearly a year ago.

I was severely chastised by you for my honesty in much the same way you are now chastising Chatty. It is hard to believe you are still obsessing about this man who you didn't really even know. You only knew what he posted on a dating site and what he told you.

Chatty is the dear Abby of this site. She tells it like she sees it and she is usually right. She has made an honest and loving observation of your situation with this man as she sees it. In return you have questioned whether she has ever loved at all. By doing so, you attacked, not her situation, but her person. And that is unacceptable.

Those of us who have benefitted from Chatty's honest advice know she speaks from her heart and that her heart is full of love. She is not always right, but she takes the time to give us all some much needed advice. She deserves, not an attack on her loving nature, but your gratitude.

Some people may post false nice words, but being nice is not always being kind. And in this case you need someone to be honest with you much more than you need niceties. No one has humiliated you. You have humiliated yourself. And you continue to do so by obsessing about this person you barely knew.

There are plenty of things to post about. And we all have problems and flaws. Everyone was delighted to read of your studies and your personal growth. But we are embarrassed for you when we read of your continued obsession with this elusive man who may actually have been nothing he represented himself to be. For your own good, take Chatt'sy advice and move on.

smile

[ February 07, 2006, 02:10 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Ladies, I am surprised at the bickering going on here. Please, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.

Ari, I can see why it haunts you. Especially if you waited three years and chose to trust again. I'm sure it makes you wonder why you chose to trust.

I think your post about going back to school and creating a new life is the best thing you can do for now.

The best thing to do with this bad situation is to learn from it. Onward.

Ari, I couldn't agree more with Dotsie. And, Dotsie, let me echo your comment about "bickering." Your forums are a place to encourage, empower and support one another. For some women, this might be the only safe haven they've found to share and work through their feelings and issues. Let's stay honest with each other, but let's keep it safe. A heart is a tender thing.

Thanks, Dotsie and Prill,
I've regretted posting this personal reflection about humiliation.
I do not talk about my personal feelings with any friends, male or female, in my own circle, and stepping out on a limb to do so here was, well, a mistake!
I'm not wallowing in self-pity or continuing to long for the man. The aftermath of the unfortunate experience, however, especially at my age...is truly humiliating! I have no desire to meet men now...NONE! So, truly, I am building my life based on my solitude (which is blessed and peaceful), pursuing my education (which has been neglected in the past in favor of that elusive love interest), and surveying WHY I have failed so miserably in the arena of relationships.
Yes, it takes me a LONG time! A long time to work through hurtful experiences. Call it a "pity party" if you will. I've always been this way. I look at women who are able to brush themselves off quickly and move on. I envy them, but I also recognize my own "history" and "pathology." It comes from having been severely punished and chastised as a child for the least infraction, sometimes for things I didn't even do or know I did. A counselor (female) once asked me how I ever managed to accomplish anything (education, pursuit of my art, etc.) concidering my history. I admit it has taken great effort!
Because of this last exchange, I'm thinking this is a "tea and crumpets" site for women who want to get together and give accolades and never touch on matters of the heart, much less personal struggle.
I will not post here again!
ARI

Ari, have you ever read the book The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron? It's possible you fall in to this category (not a bad thing), I know I do and some things that you wrote sound like me.
Being overly criticized as a child will make it harder for you to get over things and will cause you to beat yourself up more than you should. Been there...

ariadne, I sent you a PM.

I just came upon this thread. Wish I had before.

Chatty, I'm sure you mean well, but not everyone is as you are. Often your posts seem harsh - even tho your intent is of the best of heart....Take observance. Some of the best people take affront at your remarks. I know you don't mean to make this a place where you are unforgiving....But sometimes it seems so. We are in a "virtual" world here, and cannot know of all that has transpired in someone's life. I ask you to be a little more forgiving in that respect. I am trying to be understanding, but I fear I am more angry with you than otherwise....I surely have my own reasons for being staunch and concrete about issues, but I hope that I can give someone the latitude that he/she needs to grow and become the person that they desire to be. This should be a place where women can come, to get support and to be uplifted. Not to be condemned for their failures. I have surely had mine, and don't imagine that anyone else has had none.

In short, be a little more forgiving, Chat. And you too, Smile. I am not without blame in any instance, but can't we be sisters in this endeavor, and support each other, even if we disagree?

This post was over and done with and PMs sent and the air cleared but then you wouldn't have known this and dredged it back up again for some reason, not sure why....Mind telling me just how I am preveived by YOU since not everyone is as "I am"?? I am unsue what you mean also about some of the "best people" I was not aware we were divided into classes of best and less than best?? Weather I am forgiving or not about anyones posts should not matter at all, I am no one important here, just one of the crowd. I ask a question of you, "are we to ignore any post where a women asks for an HONEST reply if that reply MIGHT seem harsh to someone else but yet is something she needs to hear?" Harsh to some is no more than honesty to others. In another post today on another thread a woman referred to me as "trash mouthed" because I use to do phone fantasy work and and as "sexually dried up" because I am post menopausal. Whats that???
I got totally pissed off but yet chose to ignore her remarks because she is obviously a man lover and against all women in her comments. Was she being harsh, maybe but I prefer to see those remarks as small minded and stupid. Did I make a big deal of them, NO of course not! She is as entitled to her opinion as anyone and was being honest in her own way. I do not pussy foot around the truth as I see it. I do try to be helpful when telling the truth (as I see it)I have NEVER attacked anyone personally, ever. But hey if a woman doesn't want everyones opinion true or nicey nice then she shouldn't open herself up to those opinions by asking for them. I agree Searcher, none of us is without failures in our lives and I think you and maybe some others put too much importance not in what I say but the way you preceive I say it. I am trying to be less direct/honest and I skirt around the issues more making my comments casual. When and if this becomes a problem to my self respect I will cease to contribute at all...making some of you "best" people happy I'm sure.....

[ February 20, 2006, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I need to post an update here. I said I would not post here again, but things have transpired in my efforts at recovery, and these things also may be enlightening to some, though obviously, not ALL women here.

One of the reasons I had lingered in getting better and "moving on" is that I had continued to hear from the man, though infrequently. I heard from him again about a week ago. I was on the computer and an IM popped up from him. I was shocked to be contacted in that way, but I did talk to him briefly, during which time he said he'd been "looking at my pictures and thought it would be nice to see me." I responded only that I'm very tired and immersed in my studies, and excused myself after a few brief exchanges. After that, I found myself thinking about him once again, feeling vulnerable.

The mind is a curious thing. The overriding emotion I have had about the experience with this man has been humiliation. Yet, in my thinking, I was unable to acknowledge how truly BAD it was, how shabbily I was treated by him! Over the past year since the relationship, I've done lots of healing work on myself, but simply couldn't face the reality of it.

Something happened in my thinking over the past weekend, and I faced it. I guess I had enough time and distance to do so, and facing it and acknowledging it to myself. Accepting that, yes, it truly was humiliating.

As for the option of seeing the man again, my thoughts are now, "What was all the hard work of recovery about???" To open myself up to another chance to be hurt and humiliated? I can say an emphatic NO!!! to this. I turn my back on it now freely and happily, accepting a hard lesson learned.

This is my only forum, and a great one with strong and inspiring women. I'll post in other threads as time permits!

Love to you all!
ARI