Well, guys, I already told you that my date with T went very well and we decided we would see each other again. Well, I hadn't heard from him since, except for an email saying he's busy and maybe we could get together next week. Well, I've written him off, but I just wonder why he went to the trouble of sending me a letter and getting back in contact with me. What is with these guys?

Daisygirl

Hello Ladies,

This is my first day on the forum. I am looking for advice. I am recently separated. My husband and I tried to work things out last year but it just didn't work. My husband is a wonderful man, but we were not as compatible as we originally thought. We dated for only 3 months before we were married. Our marriage lasted five years. During our last year we were separated more than together. When we were separated for one extended period, I became friends with a man I worked with. My husband and I reunited, and my colleague and I remained friends but whenever my husband was cruel to me, I would compare my friend to my husband. Inevitably I began to have feelings for my friend beyond friendship but I kept them to myself. In fact, I became rather distant to my male friend.

This September my husband and I separted for our last time. He has filed for divorce. I then told my freind I had feelings for him. I became very immature and could not tell him to his face, but wrote him a short note and dropped it at his home (we are neighbours in a condominium building and no longer work together). He immediately sent me a response (again written) and suggested that he had always considered me a friend and that he would like to have dinner. He gave me his phone number, said "no pressure" and left the ball in my court. I didn't call. I was too embarrassed, mainly for writing the note in the first place. That evening he knocked at my door very late and very inebriated. He was quite harmless because of his physical state. I let him in. Please understand, I am not the type to have sex on the first date but I am terribly attracted to him and my feelings have built up for over 18 months. We kissed that night. Many times. It was wonderful. I felt no guilt. We did not have sex. I was very happy. The next morning when he sobered up and went home, I expected he would call but he didn't. He was embarrassed for knocking on my door in the middle of the night. He tried to reach me several times over the next few days, but I was always away from home. He finally sent another note, begging forgiveness for his behavior. Then he went on vacation and has been gone for three months. He will return home within a few days. I have no idea how to go forward. I really like this man but do not want to appear desperate. He made it clear in his initial note that he would like to be friends. He left for his vacation saying that when he returned he would invite me to dinner (he loves to cook). He is a lovely man, we are both in our early 50's, he has a good income as do I, but I just don't know how to go forward because I don't want to appear desperate, nor do I want to loose the freindship that we have shared, but...I am physically terribly attracted to him and am afraid that when he invites me to dinner, I will have sex with him and then he will, as you all think, loose respect for me, and that will be the end. My friends tell me I must play this as if I were a fisherman. Play it very slow. But, I am not a player. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And...I really like this man....But...he has a reputation for having more than one female "friend".

Sorry I have been so longwinded. I am very nervous about his return. He has not called since he left three weeks ago but a friend (male) of his told me today he may come home within a couple of days....

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

Cin

Cin, welcome to the site. Glad you found us.

I am going to pass on a little bit of wisdow for you to consider. My baby brother and I were talking about relationships one night and this is what he said from his male perspective.
If he took a girl out on a date and she was an every day run of the mill girl and she refused to have sex with him that night, he would respect her, be more attracted to her and want to date her again. If he took out a drop dead georgous blue eyed blonde girl(his description) and they got it on that night, he could care less about her from then on. He said most of us (men) won't turn down sex with any woman but we really don't want a first nighter as a long term relationship. We wouldn't want a woman like that for a wife that's for sure. He added yes, we are pigs...it a male thing. But loose women have to take some blame too.

I think these words are worth considering from the male point of view. Now here's my point of view.

There is nothing more precious than learning about one another and becoming true friends before lovers. There is so much you can do together, so many places to go and enjoy. Some night later on when a (((special))) moment arises, you will have a memory to share and not become ashamed or bitter because of it. You will be glad you waited.
You mentioned he came to your place inebriated that night. I wonder why he came over that way? And many other women friends(friends only?) Be careful that you don't get hurt in that case. A player is usually only looking for one nighters. Some cause for concern here, do you think?

On a lighter note...wear your worst underwear(or rip them) so that you'll be ashamed to take your clothes off.

Whatever you do, Just be careful and know that if you are planning any relationship, getting to know each other comes WAY BEFORE getting it on. You are a woman...Look after yourself. Be strong and stay strong on how to handle this situation.

Hang with us. I am sure many other replies are coming your way. Out of curiousity, what do you think is the right thing to do?

warmest welcome
chickadee

Chickadee, that is great wisdom!

cin, the thing that jumped out at me was that fact that he came to your home drunk. DOes he have a drinking problem? If so, I'd say run the other way. Drinking masks all kinds of problems.

I laughed so hard when I read the advice Chick gave about the underwear.

I hope you'll continue to post. Welcome.

Dotsie:
I would agree completely. One would think he would be sober if meeting a woman he likes and respects, and in the middle of the night? That is dangerous for a single woman. Cin, is this the fist time he has been drinking in front of you? Does he make it a habit? If so, I would take Dotsie's advice and run, not walk, in the other direction. Alcohol indeed hides problems, most often very major. If your interest is longterm, that is a no-bo. Also, when you say 'friends' you seem to be saying women he has had sex with? Does he have a reputation for this? That is another bad sign for any relationship longer than one or two nights, most a week. Women are trying to move away from that....

Cin:
I forgot to add - did your husband or anyone in your family drink? Perhaps you could be looking for familiarity if that is the case. Did your husband leave you or did you end the marriage? This could be another condsideration in what you are facing. Are you just looking to 'jump in with both feet' to forget about him?