LOL, Chatty!
Well, in my first sexual encounter with this man, I was unable to complet the consummation..so painful it was to me! It truly scared me, but I have been celibate for three years, and off Estrogen for 4 years, and so I immediately made an appt. with my gynecologist, who called it "atrophy." This fella knows all of this, and was not much comfort, I must admit here. My doctor prescribed Estrogen cream for the dryness, and I read online that a vibrator was a good idea for helping to "stretch" the muscles, etc. So I even went to a "sex shop" to purchase one! When I visited the shop, near my doctor's office, which was located in the back of a record store, a geeky little girl came to me as I hesitated in the entrance of the shop, and was very helpful and comforting. So, yeah, I have the Battery Operated Boyfriend, but have not used it. The Estrogen cream seemed to help my condition, and so consummation was achieved in the next visits. This is all very "graphic" and "seedy," I know. I have to tell you here that it was not at all a small thing for me to 1. be unable to perform, 2. visit my gynecologist, 3. go to a sex shop for aids, 4. continue with this man in a sexual way. I have to say here that this was not a small thing for me !! I had profound hopes that this relationship was the be all, end all, and I had found my true soul mate. Today, I had three good hours at work in the morning (positive), and then in the afternoon, found myself tearing up uncontrollably with my students in the room. I went into my art storage room several times just to straighten up! I came home feeling the uncontrollable urge to contact him! But I haven't.
About the sexual drive...I dont' really have a strong one. I take Paxil for depression, which greatly reduces the sexual drive. I have not felt the need for the B.O.B. I have just strongly desired mutual love and assurance from this man, which I haven't received.
Lastly, I just want to say, as Smile has pointed out, that I do NOT want to continue to wallow in this! I have sought out local support groups, one in Huntington, and one in Charleston, for recovery from broken relationships. I just don't have the strength or willpower today to go to the meetings. Both groups meet tonight, and I'm not up to it, but maybe next week if I still feel the need. In the meantime, this forum has been my lifeline, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
ARI

I just wanted to add here that I am feeling much better, and know that recovery and healing are in progress here...I can feel it today.
Thanks all of you,
ARI

Ari, this is so assertive and mature of you: "I told him I would not feel comfortable now being intimate with him because of his lack of feelings for me." I'm sorry that he is not enough of a man to step forward with feelings. BUT you did the best thing that you could for your self by honoring YOUR feelings, and stating them the way you did. In regards to "atrophy" I've also had this discussionwith my gynecologist. I mentioned the site for women called "Toys in Babeland" which means you do not have to come face-to-face with a clerk. I could never walk into a store such as you described because I embarrass so easily! There are vibrators at Target that are sold for muscle massage which.... And sometimes, lke writing, you don't wait for the mood to strike, you just jump right in and see what happens! I'm glad you are feeling better, even if you had some teary moments at work. It sounds like you were mourning because you realized once and for all that this was not the "end all, be all soulmate". At least you went to work! Some women get so depressed about a man that they relinquish their own lives. It's okay if you're not ready for a recovery group, just keep us in your loop, okay? Love and Light, Lynn

Thank you, Lynn,
I had wondered about what I said to him regarding his "lack of feelings" for me. That was our last communication, and the precise reason I have not tried to communicate further. I think any real man, with any feelings for me whatsoever, would come forth and state it, don't you??? So, despite what I feel is a lack of closure for me, I am working thru it, tears and all, and, Hey!!!, no tears today, or even depression. I found several wonderful websites on the Internet by typing in "Letting Go." One was called Soulfulliving.com, and had many good articls on letting go. I know this will get better by each day, hour, minute.
ARI

Ariadne, I was thinking that maybe more than grieving over this man, you are sad about the hope you had that didn't happen. The dream. The white fence around the perfect home.

When I left my abuser, I knew I couldn't possibly love a man who did the things he did so I had to go deep and ask what it was that I was crying over. It was saying good bye to the dream, not good bye to him. It was also the realization that I was embarrassed to have had such a short marriage to him and didn't want people to know what an idiot I had been for marrying him.

You invested a lot of energy and effort for this man. That would upset me too. You gave him a small piece of your soul. He took it, used it and threw it away. That is his issue. You worked with the knowledge that you had at that time. It's as simple as that. Now...you know differently and can protect your precious heart next time.

Thank you, Dianne,
I know it was a dream...so long alone...3 years, and meeting this man felt like the dream come true, then turning into a nightmare.
ARI

Oh, Chatty! We just don't know what burdens others bear when we pour out our own problems here. You are such a shining light here on this forum and I see how active you are in your feedback on other discussions. Thanks for sharing. Makes my problems sound insignificant.
A bright note is that I truly am feeling better. Starting to focus again on my own business of taking care of myself...something I've neglected.
ARI

There you go! It IS all about you! Remember that.

Well, I cooked a dinner, took it to Dave's, spent the afternoon with him, during which we had a drive in the country, dinner, and then sex again. "My God, woman, do you have to have a building fall on your head???" resounds in my mind!!! After the "intimacy," we dressed and went to his living room, where I asked him point blank, what he was wanting from our relationship. He responded, that he was not "in love" with me (again), and I began to cry. Now, I know, I KNOW, I do, that this man is not the one for me, but my feelings for him were so strong, I had to give it one more try!!!
A male friend of mine, an old high school sweetheart, who is a Harvard grad., a judge and a mediation lawyer, has characterized Dave as a "cad," whom he would open up a "can of whoop ass" if he were here. That has been good for me to hear...a just male perspective.
I know this is over now!!! I wrote to Dave today telling him my feelings about this last visit, and he responded saying I will not hear from him again!
I hope you all are not too disappointed with me in all of this. I felt I loved this man...he did not love me.
ARI

Ari,
You did what you had to do. It was your way of finding out for sure, for your own peace of mind.
We are not here to approve or disapprove your decisions. We are here to listen and make you feel comfortable when you make them, whatever they may be. You needed to see Dave again in order to get him out of your system. This time it worked. His response was, you wouldn't be hearing from him again. I think he has it all wrong...he won't be hearing from you again.
No disappointment from me.

Hang tough,
chickadee