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#69305 - 09/16/04 01:26 AM New Self Discovery
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Today, for whatever reason, my mind wandered perilously close to an altered state ( I know cause I've been there prior). I stayed gounded by writing non-stop.

However, during this preventative 'method', I realized that I put men into categories from my childhood experiences.

Categories:

Daddy--those men remind me of him in some way. I either run fast or take on the challenge with a vengence (used to, maybe subconciously). Easy target for a woman that has not established in her mind that her 'incestrous' relationship was not the fault of her own.

Step-daddy--those men are usually rich and willing to 'buy' their way verses charming and courting, if they even have the ability to do so.

Ex-abusive husband--those are easy targets since I know what makes them tick. I love making those type feel like 'sh*t' before tossing to them to 'a bottomless pit' of shame and searching for their own beginning to their voilent behavior. (that's usually done by luring them in, then gradually breaking them off)

Ex-lover--those are game players that a woman has already mastered but tucked away deep somewhere.

The One--those I can't have because I've been so damaged dealing with those others from childhood to date.

This made me so sad. I realized that it's beyond what I can handle. This pain is so deeply embedded that if I really wanted to love, I wouldn't trust that man, nor myself. I wanted to cry as the thoughts passed through, but, I was a big girl. I didn't. [Eek!] [Confused]

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#69306 - 09/16/04 11:53 PM Re: New Self Discovery
Candice Johnson Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 416
Loc: Alexandria, VA
Sugaree, what a revelation. Some psychiatrist say that all fo our bahavior stems from what we learned in childhood and our reactions to things in the present are really just triggers to what happened previsouly.

I don't think your situation has to be a doomed one. You know this is what you do and knowing is half way there. It might take a while for you to learn how to change those thoughts or make yourself more aware of those thoughts when you meet someone, but I think it's doable.

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#69307 - 09/17/04 09:36 PM Re: New Self Discovery
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
That's true Candice. Half the battle is here. Now, if I could be half the age with this new enlightened self discovery and go from there.

I have many potentials, but don't like any. Chatty and a few other BW told me to run from the boring one, LOL and I agreed. Just trying to figure out if it's just me still stuck in my ill past or if I just haven't gotten over it and will just have to be alone as a result. I know that there is no 'real' answer but it sure does look gloomy from here.

That thing called love just seems so unattainable. Oh well, I'll just have to wait and see or find a good fortune teller so that I wont have to wait and see. [Big Grin]

Sugaree

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#69308 - 09/18/04 02:55 AM Re: New Self Discovery
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Well said JJ,
And you are a perfect example. Look at all the good you do as a single woman. You write and volunteer and are loving to all around you. When you are ready that is what will attract not just A man, but the RIGHT man. There's plenty of rejects running around loose and they are all looking for a woman to prey upon. But there's only one right man for every woman. And he's worth waiting for. It's so much better to be alone with yourself than lonely with the wrong person.

Sugaree, sounds like you're finding only rejects. Maybe you should wait for the right one. The one God has just for you. Love is only love if you give it away, but the first person you gotta' give it to is yourself. If you aren't happy alone, you will never be happy with a male. You will always be just some man's prey rather than his beloved.
Through bad times and good, I have learned the hard way that being happy depends entirely on me and how I appreciate God's loving generousity.

Attitude is everything.
smile
P.S.
JJ, If I see the right man coming your way, I'm gonna' break both his legs.
Yep. Serious fractures-two of them.
Girls, listen up. This could be bad. JJ might just abandon us for Mr. Right. Yep, it could be a catastrophe. We would have No Queen. No Jokes. And nobody being spectacular.
Worst of all, I would have no one to pester. Oh lordy, that would be bad. Really, really bad.

[ September 17, 2004, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#69309 - 09/18/04 03:41 AM Re: New Self Discovery
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Alright, already JJ and Smile. Ok Ok OK! Dangit, you're right. LOL@ Smile's PS to JJ and Mr.Right. I actually visualized you running to catch JJ's Mr. Right and cracking a leg or two [Cool]

Ok, so, let me get this right:

Ignore my feelings cause they will pass, as in; don't try to analyse this 'alone' mess.

Change my phone number so that the creepy rejects wont call my 'lonely' self and make me think that it is 'me' that is just tooooo picky when it's really them.

And go and volunteer/give to a great cause where my Mr.Right might be lurking.

Gotcha! The African American Holocaust Museum is looking for a griot/tour guide for this academic season of field trips. (I applied and got a response to come in on Sept 28)

Since I love fine arts, I applied to the Pabst Mansion as an art guide/griot/whatever.

Silvan is branching out in the community with varying literacy programs. (Yep, I can read [Eek!] )

Now, that should keep me fairly busy. I will be looking for both of you ladies when my Knight in shining armor doesn't find me at either of these places and carry me off into the sunset to live happily ever after. [Wink] [Smile] [Cool]

One more question: Where do I hide my agoraphobic/panic attacks on days that they really need me or depend on my presence? Do I tell them that I 'might' be there? Although this question may seem like I'm being sarcastic. I am really trying to figure this out here.

My Mr. Right will have to hurry to catch me cause I spend very little time away from 'safe' house. [Embarrassed] . I know that sounds real bad and I will shut up about it cause it sounds like this belongs more so in 'FineWhine' vs. Singlehood, the way you two 'happy' people put it. LMAO!

Bye Bye (Still laughing)

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#69310 - 09/20/04 03:58 PM Re: New Self Discovery
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Do what comes naturally and you may be surprised when and where Mr. Right may enter your life.

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#69311 - 09/20/04 08:31 PM Re: New Self Discovery
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Sugaree,
My post was not to diminish the importance of your emotions or to encourage you to ignore them. However, I do believe it is enough to simply experience feelings while not necessarily acting on them.

As to finding Mr. Right by volunteering, it never worked for me. And I don't think JJ volunteers to find Mr. Right either. I think it makes her happy with herself because it's the right thing to do--for herself, her fellowman, and God.

"Finding a Man" might be like when I was a kid and we went to the fair. Mama always said if we got lost to just stand still. She knew where we had been and would re-trace her steps to find us. But if we wandered off trying to find her, there was no way she would never find us in the crowd.

Seems that way with men. If you're wandering everywhere looking for them, how are they ever going to find you in the crowd?

And hey, finding us is their job!!!
smile

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#69312 - 09/21/04 01:41 AM Re: New Self Discovery
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Hmmm, I think we gotten off course here. I am not looking. I agree, Smile, that it's their job 'hunt'and certainly I would not be so bold as to pursue one (old fashion tendancies). NOT HAUNT either, LOL.

Anyhow, when I named all of those volunteer places, I was just being silly as it pertained to 'looking' for a man. These were already in my plan from earlier this summer. I do believe that location is wise 'if' I were interested in 'seeking male companionship' since of course we can find or be found by creeps and rejects anywhere. I can at least place myself where the type that are attractive to me will be, maybe. Not just at volunteer places either. Simply getting out more. The problem is deeper seeded here than meets the eye on getting out but that's yet another topic.

I was asked/invited to guide the tour back before I stopped working earlier this year. Since I love the setting, purpose of this historical museum and idea of getting out and about with like people, I've accepted. Another reason; to keep my idle mind focused and I love the look on children's faces when their little mind's have been provoked/trained. Of course they'll be adult 'classes' of folk that I'll love intriguing as well, but for now, just to contribute.

My original post was about me figuring out 'me' in the process of 'dating'...how I've been categorizing men in my life based on childhood experiences. I was searching for ways to break that catestrophic behavior/thought process.

While it weeds out the 'free-loader' type of men, it still 'probably' lends them the view of a gold digger type of a woman. So, in trying to understand 'why' I feel that they should provide 'things' for me, I figured out the origin of this sad reality:

My abusers used to 'give' me things I guess to shut me up or condition me. Not too sure about that theory but, I think it's pretty close. So, if a man doesn't give me 'things' I tend to think that he's trying to get 'something' for nothing or worse, simply use and abuse me when that 'may not' be the case. They may simply be trying to understand where it is I'm coming from too. Who knows.

Sheree

[ September 20, 2004, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: Sugaree ]

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#69313 - 09/23/04 08:29 PM Re: New Self Discovery
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Sug, have you been to Dianne's site yet?

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#69314 - 09/24/04 01:09 AM Re: New Self Discovery
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Yes Dotsie! I sure have and love it. Although I'm done with the actual 'physical' abuse, somewhere buried in my, I don't trust my judgement in men because of my past relationships; Childhood on to date.

So, therefore, Dianne's site is great for me. I signed up there and everything. Oh well, I guess you ladies wont get to hear my pitiful stories of 'new self discoveries and mind torturing decision making since I shall be sharing those thoughts with like folk.

Smile,

Sugaree

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#69315 - 09/26/04 12:27 PM Re: New Self Discovery
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Sugaree, I have had three husbands and numerous affairs and encounters with the opposite sex and I can look God or anyone right in the eye and say "since I am single and alone (without a man) I have never been happier." The stress is all gone and I am happy with me....I do not need a male in my life to make me whole or a better person. Maybe you are too preoccupied with needing a man...Let it go for awhile, relax, live, have some fun and if it's meant to be sweetie it will be. Just a suggestion. [Razz]

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