In recent years I've begun to enjoy doing things alone.

However, I know there are women who don't like to eat out, go to the movies, attend parties, etc. all by themselves.

How do you single women feel about this?

It depends on my mood, and where it is. For instance, it's not that I'd mind going to the movie by myself, but if it was at night, there is a safety factor involved. I don't mind whatsoever eating alone, however, having company is much more enjoyable. There are times though that I enjoy my own company. Especially after a bad blind date! hahah...wait a minute, is there any other kind of blind date? hahahah... Oh Lord, I'm gonna get mail on that statement...

JJ

I dislike eatng alone. I refuse to cook just for myself. At my place, it's Swanson's, Stouffer's, SlimFast, or starve!!! I like to walk and hike alone but enjoy it more if I have someone to walk with.

Well, I guess I haven't embraced this 'alone' state well at all. To some extent, I feel embarassed, or like something is wrong with me since I HAVE to do certain things alone.

I do believe that I'm missing out on lots of things because of my unhealthy attitude toward this single state. There are a few movies that I really want to see. I really need to walk for my health, attend events...all of which I don't because of this.

The holidays are becoming harder and harder. I can easily get/have a date but that has played out since the date is usually someone I've choosen so that I wont be alone, therefore, don't really like.

I think I'll try to do the movie thing, alone one day this week.

Sugaree

Sugaree,
I do go to events here alone if I can because my husband doesn't enjoy them. You can always find someone else who is alone and needs cheering up. Sometimes couples will include me if they know who I am. It gets easier the more you do it.
The first time is really hard. Focus on someone else who is alone instead of thinking all eyes are on me. That was hard too. But be careful too!!!
Maggie

sugaree, you aren't the only one who doesn't like to go alone. I was way too self-concsious to do this several years back. I thought everyone would wonder why I was alone. Doesn't she have friends? You know, that stuff.

But now I say...who cares? I think it comes with age! HA!

For many many years I was a single mom who did things alone or with my sons,then I got remarried (big mistake) and lived to regret it every minute of every day. A business opportunity presented itself that made it necessary for us to be divorced (a good thing) and so we were. That was the answer to my prayers. Unfortunately in order to remain in my home this man began losing one job after another and so I allowed him to stay. I was stupidly being used, again. Well, I finally made a decision and told him to make other arrangements and do it sooner rather than later. I long to be alone again, to eat alone, sleep alone, do everything alone...I can choose the friends I want to be with that way. I joined a small group of Singles for Bible study. To me alone is such a beautiful word meaning many things, like:
A.....affection
L.....luminous
O.....opportunity
N.....nag
E.....exceptional
I will give my affection to whom I please, or not. I will be luminous in my happiness. I will take full advantage of all opportunities with no one to nag at me constantly and my new life shall be an exceptional new adventure in aloneness. Theres more than one way to look at being single ladies...FREEDOM!

chatty, thanks for giving us another perspective. I'm so glad you're getting involved with your church. I know the lord has new things in store for you. When do you start your new job?

It's true. Alone is a frame of mind.
I have been alone when married and I have been alone when single. I have been lonelier with a man right next to me than even when I was new to a town where I knew no one.
I always feared being alone then I encountered loneliness. I looked it square in the face and in prayer I saw God in it and together we stared it down. Now I respect it, but I no longer fear it.
I may at times cry and be afraid, but together me and God will handle what ever comes my way.
smile

BTW, I want to write a book about loneliness. It seems to be one of the most painful of human conditions. I don't know any cures, but I've been researching. However, I have found very little about it in the medical literature, online or at amazon.
I thought it was interesting that when I did an online search, about 90% of the sites were porn. Are we as a nation treating loneliness with anonymous sex? With the internet? With there more lonley people online than elsewhere? Is loneliness synonymous with anonynymity?
I have lived in cities, big and small and it seems to me that the greater the population, the greater the loneliness. Maybe it's the anonynmity that makes us lonely.
Any ideas?
smile

[ August 08, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Many people look to others to define who they are. They're afraid of the introspection to find and define themself. When one's core is other-based, that person will always need to have the physical presence of other people or they feel alone. Emotional presence is not as important as the physical; these people are "validated" only when someone else pays them attention, whether through anonymous sex or online chat. Left alone with themself, there is nothing.

People who are self-defined are less likely to be lonely, because they always have themself.

I like that Meredith. I think you are right. But all people seem to sometimes experience loneliness, even the most self defined and also the most godly.

Maybe it's not always a bad thing. Maybe like a lot of other emotions, fighting it is what makes it painful. ??

I read some research recently that at least theorized that loneliness may be genetic in origin. Or at least the pain of it.

smile

Smile, I would love to read that article if you recall where it is about loneliness being genetic.

It's interested that you've mentioned this. Recently, my two children went to my home town. One is staying for college. Each time they visited with older relatives, they called me to tell me about the visit. Each were very proud of them, but the constant was that they knew that my children would be since I was. Each of these people have very successful children. They all did it with husband and I did it basically alone. Well, of course God was there.

Speaking of Him, I don't feel so so sad and alone today because of their visit. I have been just as successful w/o a mate. I can actually say that God heard my prayer. He knew my biggest concern. He knew that I was reading all of the crap about how a majority of children w/o a two parent, stable home usually turned out. Today I feel soooo good that the professors and other successful family members in my family have embraced my children and know that they are well on their way to success despite.

Back to what Smile mentioned about this article. I pondered these thoughts all day after speaking with two specific aunts. These two women have been places in their career that many women dream of. Both of them are single. One had 10 McDonald franshises, the other was president of an Ivy league university. Both had been married. Many of my cousins say that I am very much like these women. Is it something about women that reach these heights that men don't like? Or, is it that 'we' see in them the things unlikable?

Sugaree

Sugaree, I'm glad to hear your family was tickled with your children. As a parent, knowing others accept our children gives us the warm fuzzies. Doesn't it?

I have been alone most of my adult life. It's never bothered me to be and do things alone. Even as a child I was very independent and would often choose to play alone vs. in a group (which worried my mother).

I enjoy my solitude. I find that I have many creative outlets that I don't believe would have been explored to the depth they have with a husband and children in the picture.

I do get lonely from time to time, though, more so now that I am in my 40's and have no children. I wonder if when I am elderly (God willing I get there) I will regret not having a family around me.

I don't go to restaurants alone. That's one activity I've never mastered. But I find that I do a lot of things out of necessity that my married women friends wouldn't think of doing without their husbands.

I'm glad this topic is on here, as I don't think being single gets the attention it deserves. There are many benefits to being alone-- for me, anyway. I'm not sure I could or would want to give it up now.

Since this topic is here, I'm going to enter into the survey this month as fav book May Sarton's "Journal of a Solitude"; she talks a lot in her nonfiction books about living her entire life as what she called a "solitary".

Best regards to all,
Kelly

I am almost there once again, alone. I can hardly wait to be alone again. You know to be completely honest I don't believe wde are ever really alone. If one believes in God for instance and Angels etc. also the remnants or spirits of those we loved are always somewhere within us to draw from in times of need. I look forward to cleaning up only after me, cooking what I like, going where I want to go, or not, watching what I like with no excuses. Knowing where something is because no one else moved it, no one eating my food, whatever, all those small things tat seem so large when theres someone else in our space. I adore my sons, well one of them anyway....BUT I have never since number 1 been thrilled with the man I was married to. When this one, number 3 is finally gone, I shall thoroughly enjoy my aloneness...Its been a long time coming. Yes to singles everywhere, rejoice..

My whole life I have been what some might call a charismatic loner (no, don't start running for your guns.) As a child, I wanted to be left alone with my books and my "inventions" but friends would be knocking on the door and Mom would kick me out to play. Honest! ...because I'd always invent new games, or lead forays onto apartment rooftops and past "no trespassing" signs. I never had a lot of friends (because, face it, I was kinda weird) but I always had a devoted "fan club." Still do. Still a reluctant leader, but a leader nonetheless, and finally accepting it and not running away as much.

Which leads us back to the topic:
I have always been perfectly happy by myself. I see myself as "alone" but not lonely. In groups I try to be a team player but I'd rather lead. I'm not afraid to do anything by myself, and I do it.

Which leads us back to the charisma biz:
Sometimes I'm out there doing the Meredith thing, and people seem to follow. Not always, but often enough so I can look at it, detached, and think "here comes the fan club." And I'm happy with that, too. Kinda "go with the flow," whatever.

Would life be different if I were single? Not a whole lot, but there'd be less emotional stress. Maybe more physical stress, though, because I'd have to start grocery shopping and paying the household bills.

Meredith, your life always seems so balanced to me. You must use your alone time to work at that.

In recent years I've enjoyed BEING alone. It wasn't until I got quiet ALONE so I could go inward and learn more about what I'm being called to do. I always thought I had to be "doing". Now I'm trying to enjoy "being"! Make sense?

I'm sure you've had that figured out for years! Live and learn.

Whoa! It's hard to believe I've EVER complained about being alone. I guess having someone coming to stay with you with demands on your privacy and time is much different than being 'single/alone.'

I guess that old cliche' is true, "Watch what you ask for and be specific when you do ask."

I crave to be alone right this moment. Just as I was writing this note, one of my 'houseguest' came in, stood behind me trying to strike up conversation while looking at my screen. YUK! GO AWAY!

I think I've learned my lesson about complaining. If it was meant to be, someone that I genuinely love and care to spend my time with would be here. I'm not ready yet I can see. I think I'd rather be alone, struggling with my one income, happy with my peace of mind, solo.

Did this belong in "A Fine Whine"?

Sugaree
Praying for you and your situation!!
Maggie

sugaree, I'm guessing the clan is still with you?

You guessed it right, Dotsie. Thank you Maggie for the prayers.

I was reading Reader's Digest today when I stumbled upon this, or my interpretation:

Wisdumb= Let someone buy you fish/meal.

Wisdom= Let someone teach you how to fish.

That's going to be the topic at dinner tonight.

Thanks,

Sheree

BTW, I want to write a book about loneliness. It seems to be one of the most painful of human conditions. I don't know any cures, but I've been researching. However, I have found very little about it in the medical literature, online or at amazon
=========================
Slim
I dont know if youve read my post aboout it but the biggest cause of suicide in Australia is Post Divorce Trauma and its almost exclusively male suicides. A body count equal to the national road toll . So thats pain. How much of that is loneliness I really don't know.
Try the website DIDs. They may be useful for your book.
Also try the suicide studies department at Griffith University in Australia.

If I'm alone too much it seems to be compounded and I become reclusive. I have to watch myself or I would end up lonely.

Meredith, it's the same with me. I'm not a follower and women seem to gravitate toward me. I love it because I love women but don't call me and expect me to have long phone conversations with you! That becomes too crowded for my taste.

Dianne, I also tend to become reclusive. But, I also feel like Sugaree in that I cherish my freedom and privacy, and can't imagine another figure wandering around in my space! I'm not sure I could love any man enough to give up my privacy, accommodating their interests and needs, cleaning, fetching, keeping myself presentable! Today, for instance, I lollygagged, took my good ol' time switching over my winter/summer wardrobes while taking breaks to watch movies and work on my art.
It was only a couple of months ago that I was giving up every free weekend minute to be with a man...(driving thru snowstorms!), and fretting about being perfect for him. Now, I am regaining my "solo bliss!"
ARI

sparticuss, this is AT LEAST the third time you've mentioned that Ozzie suicide stat, maybe the fourth, so now I need to ask you why it appears so often in your writing.

Are you suicidal? Is your foray into this crowd of women a cry for help?

Or are you so bleeping freeping angry at your divorce that you're trying to scream, "Look at me! I could be that statistic, and does anyone give a crap?"

Of course, your tone is fairly rational and non-recriminatory, but that doesn't preclude the presence of emotion.

Because my rational brain tells me that someone does not continually pepper their conversation with the exact same suicide statistic, over and over, unless there's a damn good reason.

[ May 23, 2005, 05:48 AM: Message edited by: meredithbead ]

and I also know that your presence here is in some way because you're seeking validation from us, although I haven't yet pinpointed why. Forgive my slowness here; I just had an 18-hour work day.

I went to a simple search on MSN and typed in Sparticuss, and he appears on many, many discussion forums, many of which are women's sites. The women really trashed him on one site, and he was banned on another...Hmmm.
ARI

I warned you ladies that Sparticuss was no lady and I meant it genetically. Those are mens ideas and thoughts if I ever heard them and as most of you know I hear plenty of them, thoughts I mean. Get lost interloper find a forum with men to bother we women don't need you here....

Doing things alone doesn't really bother me very much. I have found that I like my life the way it is now, especially my houses. Chatty Lady I understand completely. I really don't want to be cleaning after someone any more!

I can walk into a place and in one glance tell you if a man lives there! lol

I was married for 26 years to a man who wasn't there even when he was. I came to enjoy my alone times and maybe that is why I still relish them to this day.

I wouldn't mind having friends who would go and do the same things I enjoy, but if I had to pick...tell you what, I would rather have a gf than a man as my activity partner.

I do not really have a problem with doing things alone. However, I do not like that I have to do so many things alone. It is not about being with a man, it is about being with a person. I love going to Broadway shows (I live near New York)however, in the past I found that people are enthusiastic and say "yes" to the idea of going to a show but "no" to actually following throuh and buying a theater ticket. For years I have been going to the 2:00 P.M. matinees at least every other month and love it. I often eat before or after the show and am very comfortable with that. In my town I go to most Museum functions alone, I stay a short time, have some nibbles, talk to a few people and leave.

Of course, I would rather have someone with me. But sometimes if you wait for that you end up missing the good stuff.

Vannie, Wish I lived near you (I'm in SC) as I have the same problem! Also, my nick name (one of them) is "Vonnie"!

You sound like me but somehow no matter where I go, someone always talks to me. I guess I smile alot and its catchy. I don't wait for anyone either and go out by myself if I have to. One good thing is not having to listen to anyone bitch and moan about the show, movie or the food as so may people like to do. Me I like everything and if not, keep it to myself and not try to ruin everyone good time. I would rather be alone than with downers....

Gosh, I'm finding myself so content alone, it's unfamiliar territory!!! After 8 years since divorce, thinking I'd find MR. RIGHT, and exhausting myself emotionally, I'm happier alone! I'm not bitter or angry at the male race, just tired and wary. Gosh, it feels SO GOOD to go thru my day of teaching and then come home to my nice house without anxiety!!! Hey, I actually enjoy eating out by myself, and always have!
Does this sound like I'm defeated? Well, probably, but the alternive for me is not worth it!
ARI

Sounds more like you've begun to take charge of your own life and happiness and realize no one can be truly happy unless she/he is happy with themselves first. Defeated, I think NOT!!!!

areadne54,

Good Grief!

Defeated? Sounds to me like you've found what everyone needs to find BEFORE they think they're in LOVE !! In my mind, you're in the perfect spot. I agree with Chatty - Hurrah for you. Now if we could only teach this to the 20=somethings.....

Searcher

Ari, I agree with Searcher. To me, it looks like your life is balanced and that's a good thing!

Daisygirl

Ari, have to add my two cents. You have found peace within. Do you know how many people don't even know that exists because they are so busy searching for happiness through others and material stuff? Three cheers for Ari!

Hi, everybody. I'm new & I love this site & I love this topic!! I feel like many of you have been following me around because you are telling so many of the "secrets" that I have spent a lifetime learning, the hard way. I'm an extreme introvert and have always felt ashamed of craving being alone. A few years ago, I took the Meyers-Briggs from a professional, who explained that that was just the way I was born. Finally, I felt like I had permission to be the real me. Since then, one of the most important things that I've learned about myself is that I don't get lonely. If I am alone long enough, I do get bored. Then I go looking for someone to play with; never hard to find. This has been one of the most valuable lessons of my entire life.
PS. I've been married 3 times, the last time for 25 years. Divorced 2 years ago. Every time I got married, about 3 months into it, I asked myself, "Why in the world did you do this?" Never got a good answer, except that "married" is what respectable grown-ups do. I have now accepted that not only am I a confirmed introvert, but I am not and will never be a respectable grown-up. Ah, yes, freedom.....

Welcome to the forum, TheCzarina! Interesting screen name! Hope you stick around and get into the flow.
Married 3 times? Yikes, I'm having enough trouble with the 1
I'm an introvert myself, which I always thought meant shy, but have come to discover means enjoying solitude. I don't get much of it, though. I like what you said about not getting lonely, but getting bored. You hit the nail on the head. I usually feel the most lonely in a crowd, never when alone...
Again, welcome!

I kept hitting the smiley because it didn't seem to be working! I'm not THAT happy today.

[ October 28, 2005, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Western Bluebird ]

Czar:

I rather like your statement "I have now accepted that not only am I a confirmed introvert, but I am not and will never be a respectable grown-up."

I, too, am an introvert and it has taken me a long time to accept. I believe introverts digest information, rather than discard. Yet, there are times when others find me aloof, when in fact I don't cater to chit-chat (unless nervous).

To Czar and Mustang - if you get the chance, cehck out this website and take their test:

http:www.hsperson.com

Being introverts, digesting info. and dislike of chit chat, are some of the traits of a highly sensitive person (not a bad thing).
I discovered I was "one" a couple of years ago and it has helped me so much.

Hi, Czarina, and welcome!
I am never lonely either! When I've been in the "throes" of dating, I've often acknowledged to myself, "This is a LOT of work!!!" There was never any real quiet time, never any time for introspection and reflection, which I need. I like to spend my free time working on my art and the solitude is necessary for me.
I grew up in a 4 room coalcamp style house in the coalfields of WV. There was never any privacy or room for escape or solitude. As an adult, I've always had big houses, even during my 20 year marriage, where I could have a place of seclusion.
Some people really can't function without a partner with whom they plan every activity. That is not me, though I've spent a lot of time since my divorce 8 years ago thinking I should be doing so!
I'm not a man-hater, or bitter or cynical, but this new-found freedom and peace of mind is something I intend to guard and cultivate!
ARI

oh Ari, do I envy you! I live with 9 other people and right now they are being extra loud!!!

Western!!! 9 people? Are they family? I can't imagine, but I also kinda admire you for it!
Ari

One is my husband, 7 are my kids, one is my son's friend from New Orleans.
I have a daughter, son in law and grandson who moved out 2 months ago..I guess I should put this under the topic of "my dream" - having the house to myself for a whole day!!

[ October 28, 2005, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: Western Bluebird ]

Western!!! I do admire you, and it sounds like a houseful of fun! Sometimes I wish to be in the midst of such!
You go, girl!
ARI

Well how about if you come here for a week and I'll stay at your place, alone!

LOL, Bluebird! I would probably not fair very well in that "swap!"
Love,
Ari

Chicken!!!

Hey I would give that a try, animals and children love me...I cook good!!!

LOL, Chatty and Bluebird!
I don't cook, and I'd be in a frenzy! They'd starve!
ARI

I like to eat out by myself, especially on Saturdays I like to treat myself to breakfast.

I brought this discussion up at Bible study last night and wanted to know if others have encountered the same. I'll explain.

While eating out by myself, many of the waitresses will usually wait to accomodate me. Why? Because they think I'm waiting on someone, especially if I ask for a booth. I want a booth so that I can read my book, magazine or spread out the newspaper. Hey, I need my space.

I'm often asked if I'm waiting for someone. To which I'll answer "No. May I please have a menu (or what are your specials today?) as I'm hungry." And, I usually am really hungry b/c I like a big breakfast on Saturdays before I commence my yard work and long walks as this is how I like to entertain myself.

Also, while at movies alone, I like to reserve the seat next to me for my purse and coat. Yet, I've had others ask me if the seat is reserved, sometimes I say yes, other times no. It depends on how crowded the theatre may be at that time. Again, hey I like my space.

While eating in a food court at one of the malls, I've had others ask me if the spare chair is taken, "Is this chair in use? May I please have it?" they ask. Again, it depends on how crowded the food court is and dependent upon my mood at the time. If I've not found the perfect shoes, I might say "Yes, it is taken!" Or I may think "Yes it is taken for my shopping bags, now leave me alone so that I may continue my people watching!"

Just because I'm single does not mean I do not require less space due to the lack of a companion. Likewise, I want and crave my space, so give it to me!

Afterall, single are surpassing single men with home ownership, the majority of single parents are women, the majority of single parent caretakers are women, yet men continue to earn more money for the dollar than women. So, give me my space, I need it to contemplate my singledness!

Have any of ya'll had similar experiences?!

I hate to admit it but this kind of thing happens to me as well and I have a real good joke I play. One afternoon in a very nice restaurant where I decided to treat myself to some Asian delights (can't cook Asian to save my life) well anyhow, a man and woman kept looking at me and finally he came over and put his hand on my spare chair and said, "you're not using this right," as he began to pull it away. I said, wait, stop don't you see Gerald sitting there, leave us alone please!! I had to turn my face to keep from bursting out laughing, that guy dropped that chair like it was electrified and all during dinner they would peek at me and when they did I merrily talked to Gerald...the invisible man....try it, its hysterical.

You are too much!!

PS - Did Gerald bring his jammies with him?