Having started an event planning business earlier this year, I just have to jump in here. Guess what? You are ALL right! Traditionally, it is the responsibility of the bride's family to pay for the wedding gown and the reception. The groom and his family generally...and I emphasize generally... pay for the bride's bouquet, and the rehearsal dinner. Because weddings have become so expensive, those "rules" have changed to include the groom's family sometimes offering to pay for the liquor at the reception, but this is not a hard and fast requirement. Just ask my husband...my daughter's fiance's family offered nothing! These days, the exception it the norm, and expenses can be shared by all parties, or not, depending on the situation. Pretty much anything goes. I always tell my brides and their families to do what they are comfortable with, and not try to spend a fortune they don't have on a spectacle. If you set a budget, then put the money into what is most important to the bride and groom..i.e., photographs for example, then everything else will fall into place. For example, if the bride wants an expensive photographer then maybe she does not need the world's most expensive centerpieces. Everything is relative, and once the bridal couple understands that, the rest is easy.

Louisa, isn't it fun towrite about your life experiences?

Wizard, great to see you. What a great business woman who offers excellent advice. I've been to lots of weddings through the years, but never been to two alike. People have to do what works for them financially. Unfortunately, I think people go in debt to have the perfect wedding...whatever that is...

I say take all that money and put a down payment on a house. But I already had my big wedding.

Dotsie, You're the second one who has said that me in two days. I was off work yesterday to do some shopping and wrapping. I took some time in the afternoon to attend the afternoon class of the writing group I belong to. I brought my turkey story and one I wrote about the mouse we had last month. My teacher thinks I should be writing a slice of life column. Was it tacky to bring a story about a rotten turkey to a class held at a nice restaurant? The mouse one had to be. Yes, it is fun writing about life experiences. My favorite to write about is still the good old days. Boomer days
Louisa

I married too young, so I am giving COMPLETELY different advice to the next generation. First of all--I expect my son and daughter to be on their own, paying their own way in life, and completely autonomous before they even THINK of merging their lives with another person. They should be able to support themselves financially before they marry.

Then--when two adults are on their own and have their own place and their own things, then they can merge their things together and decide what to keep together in their shared space. There is no need for a traditional bridal registry--they already have their own things. If gifts are given, it doesn't need to be basic household goods because they are adults who have already established their own households.

And finally--two adults who would like to marry will have to decide how much money THEY want to spend on THEIR wedding. THEY plan the wedding--THEY pay for the wedding. I will enjoy being there, and I will participate in all of the sentimental events that they would like to share with me. I don't mean to sound callous--I love my son and daughter and I will be very emotional on their wedding days, but it will be THEIR days and THEIR weddings--I will just be an honored guest/mother of the bride/groom.

Tradition is out the window, in my opinion. Most "wedding traditions" can be traced back to the days of dowrys, virginal brides, and other outdated concepts. The idea of parents paying for the wedding seems very outdated to me--two mature adults who wish to marry should be able to pay for their own ceremony and party. After all, eloping or going to the courthouse can constitute the ceremony. The big, sometimes expensive reception is simply a big party--and two adults should pay for their own party!

If, by some chance, I have some extra money to give my adult children at this stage in life, I would rather give them a special gift that would help them in their future lives as married couples instead of paying for an exuberant party. Maybe even use it to spoil my future grandchildren some day. I just think it is ridiculous to see people pay SO MUCH money for a party! It's crazy! Especially if you don't have the money and go deep into debt!

So that is my opinion about 21st century weddings--none of the traditions of the past centuries really apply anymore. I was a young bride who fell for the trap--and it really can become a trap. Think "tourist trap" when you look at some of the outrageous expenses some wedding planners try to convince young couples to spend on "their special day". That is a terrible way to start a marriage--deep in debt because you just "had" to have all of the bells and whistles.

I feel the same way about funerals, too--cremation and scattering for me, please. Don't even bother trying to convince me that my loved one will RIP because they have the most expensive coffin/memorial/gravestone! Weddings and funerals--a big, expensive business--a "trap" that sometimes sends loved ones into financial ruin. Look at some of the other countries and cultures and we can see that American weddings and funerals are getting completely out of hand! They don't love their families any less just because they had a simple and inexpensive wedding/funeral! In America, we seem to be convinced that if we really love someone, then we will spend as much money as possible on them. That is why we have such a debt problem!

Oh Ladies, things are definitely different depending on location! My daughter got married 13 months ago. We live in New York, just 30 miles north of NYC. We gave a large sum of money and the grooms parents gave the same. They had what would be a small wedding to some, only 110 people in a beautiful catering hall overlooking the Hudson. Alcohol is ALWAYS included. No one EVER, EVER pays for their own drinks. Guests would still be talking about the hosts a year later if that were the case. I paid for the elaborate bridal shower, which doesn't always happen. I felt the girls in the wedding just couldn't afford the expense. They were all on very fixed budgets. I also paid for my daughter's bridal gown which was also a very large expense. The groom's family felt that they gave enough in a lump sum to cover the rehearsal dinner...and I fully agreed. Many couples today wait until they are in their late 20's and early 30's to get married. They are often set in their careers and bringing in a decent income so there is no reason they can't chip in as well. The incidentals for weddings is astounding. No wonder it takes nearly a year to plan it. I have one down, and one more to go! I hope she gives me some time to recoup and save more!