I quote you -- "It is unfair that you have to deal with things because your child chose to marry and have children with someone who isn't the same race as you. I guess as a parent you would have to decide whether it was worth possibly destroying your relationship with your son or daughter over."

And as the child -- couldn't one make that same decision BEFORE starting up a relationship with someone that would very possibly destroy that relationship? I find it hard to believe that a child doesn't know their families views on this issue.

I think the point I was trying to make has gotten caught up in "examples" -- and I'm not sure I can find the right words -- Perhaps family members feel like they aren't allowed to have their own opinion -- their own feelings about this because if they do -- they've alienated their child -- when in fact that child knew how they felt and went out of their way to meet/date/marry/have a child with someone they KNEW would upset the family -- and then they are the bad guy because they react to it being stuffed down their throat with a "great big red guilt bow" wrapped around it. In other words -- it's going to take PATIENCE and understanding on BOTH sides of the fence in order to get past this issue --

In your particular case Candice -- I think it's possible that your family is being unfairly judgemental -- I don't know much about the situation, of course, but it sounds like a white/hispanic mother/father and family members are "mad" at you for marrying a black man. I mean -- who were you supposed to marry ???? a white man ???? an hispanic man ???If they were interracial and raised an interracial child -- why are they upset about you marrying interracially? Could it possibly just be the MAN you married and not have anything to do with his race? We've brought up so many thoughts the last few days that I've forgotten exactly what you had said in the first post about that. Sorry

I realize that we have to break some eggs before making an omelet -- but I do "feel" for the "frontline" egg. Until society can "grow up" it's going to be a painful time for many !!

You know what's kinda funny is -- this goes on everyday in same race families -- parents hate the spouse -- children think their parents are horrible human beings -- grandparents think the grandchild is being raised wrong -- etc etc -- and that's okay -- it's "normal" -- but if the issue is because of "color" -- it takes it to a whole other level and all hell breaks loose

I don't really feel like going back and forth on this anymore becasue I think the big difference is that I don't feel like poeple concsiously or methodically choose who they will love deeply enough to marry. You said the child goes out of their way to marry and have children with someone of a different race knowing full well the way their parents feel. For most people when it comes to love, including thsoe in interracial relationshsips, love most of the time just sort of happens or grows, not really under anyones control. To say that someone goes out of their way perpetuates a sterotype that white women who marry balck men do so because they are looking for trouble or are rebellious or deviant in some way. I really just don't see it as something you choose to do.

As far as my current situation goes, it is no longer an issue for my parents. This happened becasue of what you suggested, patience. While I knew things wouldn't be easy at first, I refused to give up because I believed what my parents had told me for years--that they would love me no matter what. I knew that while it would be hard for them, I also believed in that they loved me enough to know that this wasn't about trying to hurt them or make their lives more difficult, it was about me finding the happiness they always wanted me to have.

Wow, lots to think about...and I think the going back and forth is a good thing because it makes us think these ideas through and learn from them.

I am glad your parents are at peace with your relationship. I would like to speak on behalf of parents in this situation. Having lived longer than our children, experienced more of life, it is possible and very likely that their reaction to your relationship was one of love. Doesn't always come across that way, but we don't like to see our children hurt. They realized that you were doing something out of the ordinary and that often brings some heartache. Maybe they didn't want to see you experience heartache. We live in a very judgemental world, whether we like it or not. Fortunately the fact that you read and study, stay informed about interracial relationships shows that you are very tuned in and that is the best way to be.

One point that I would like to mention is that when we enter relationships like this, I believe where we live is a very important factor. I would not want to live in a small town where my children were the only Asians in sight. I am grateful that we live in a big city where there are many races.

I know someone who lived in a small town in upstate NY while raising their adopted Asian child. When he was approx. 4 years old he saw some Asians on television and was so happy, pointing at them saying,"Look, more..."and said his name. He had never seen anyone who looked like him. I think it is important for us to live in areas where there are people that look like us, especially for children. I beleive that when you live in a city where there are many, many races it is quite obviously more acceptable.

Now, I am grateful that your parents gave you the message that they would love you no matter what...and I am glad that you have found the happiness that they always wanted you to have! God bless you and your hubby. I have no doubt that together you can overcome any of the obstacles that could get in the way of an inter-racial marriage!

Candice -- I am afraid what I thought would happen has happened -- I threw out some heavy thoughts and now there's a rift between us -- I get this opinion because you've decided not to discuss this any farther. This is what happens in heavy issues -- someone just says "oh forget it" and then the issue is never solved. BUT -- if you read my last post at the end I thought I had tried to "put an end" to that particular issue also due to the fact that it's only you and I "issuing" over it and neither of us really have a problem with interracial marriages The things that I brought up that were actually MY thoughts haven't even been responded to -- the fact that we need to have more education about others culture so we can learn to live together.

So please let me make sure that we are okay -- I truly don't care one fig what anyone else does with their life. I know people that have the issues I brought up -- that's all. They KNOW their child went out of their way to get involved in an interracial marriage -- but you have to understand these people do NOT live in a big city -- but in a small southern town and their child didn't work with blacks or go to church with blacks or anything like that that would give her exposure to someone from a different culture long enough to start a relationship. She truly went out of her way to meet someone other than her race and is now trying to make them feel like racists because they are upset about her having 3 (out of wedlock) children by 3 different black fathers -- 2 of whom she's not even sure who the father is. She actually went as far as saying in a local newspaper article (about women living at the Salvation Army with children) that her parents kicked her out ONLY because she had had a black child (she gave the parents name) -- she forgot to mention the drugs and arrests and lies, etc etc that caused her family to finally say -- we love you but if this is the lifestyle you choose -- you need to move out. She was in her 20's when all this happened.

There is a big difference between big cities and small towns. I don't have the exposure to interracial marriages or different cultures in my area as much as someone living in New York City. And I think it would be very important for someone adopting outside their race to give the child as much exposure to their heritage as possible. It's important to be proud of who you are and where your "roots" are -- no matter who you are.

I'm glad your family is healing old wounds -- like I said before -- every family has their "falling outs" -- you can't put that many different personalities all together and expect everyone to agree all the time -- I could bop my kids sometimes for their decisions -- but how are they going to learn if I'm always demanding they do it my way -- besides -- if my way was so great how come I'm in such a mess

PEACE ???

There is no rift. I just felt that after going back and forth about three times about what the parents feel was enough. I felt like I was just saying the same thing over again and didn't want to keep doing that.

It sounds like the person you know uses the race issue as an excuse to not look at the other problems and concerns her parents have, which I think is pretty appalling. You made a good point about all families have problems, but once race gets added to the mix, it becomes so much bigger. It's very easy for someone to just say it's becasue you're racist and you're wrong rather than to look at what is really going on. That way they don't have to look at themselves. With the person you describe, it pretty much sounds like she uses race as an excuse.

It my situation, I always knew my mom's concerns had to do with my safety, not that she was racists. The fact that she needed to be concerned about safety is because there are racists people out there who may want to harrass me and my husband. With my father, sorry to say, he is racists. While we still argue at times, like over his use of the "n" word in front of me or other things like that, we have agreed to disagree. I will say that the only time we ever really talked about it without him walking away, he did say that if he had it to do over agin, he would not have married outside of his cultural background (My Dad is European Hispanic, so white, but still comes from a different background than Anglo-Saxon Caucasian.) He wanted me to trust him that it wasn't worth it. I'm not going to get into why I think my Dad thinks this or about their relationship because that is another whole topic that I don't feel like trying to figure out at this point. My husband has always said that the only reason why he can tolerate what my father has done or said is because he knows my father loves me more than anything and he can appreciate loving someone that much.

As far as the big city/small town thing, I agree with you 100 percent. When I was looking for jobs after graduation, I knew I would have to be selective about where I would apply because I wouldn't relocate somewhere that I felt we would be uncomfortable. I feel like if you chose to marry or adopt out of your own race you are responsible for making sure that the children can access their cultural background as often as they want to. This of course is easier in cities.

Responsibility brings me to another topic you raised about education of different cultures for better understanding and reducing racist attitudes. In many things I have read concerning interracial relationships, it is alomst as if because you chose to be in such a relationship you are now ambassadors of racial unity. Many of you maybe know of the "personal is political" mantra and it is sort of the same thing. It's as if being in an interracial relationship brings the question of race into the most personal realm. Many argue that is in the acceptance of different races in the personal realm that will make acceptance in the societal realm, like hiring practices, easier. I'm not sure I agree with this argument. I do think that those who chose to be in interracial relationships whether through marriage or adoption do have some responsibility in being educated themselves about race issues and also to use their lives as a way to teach others. Education is key, but I don't think taking white kids to the museum of African American Art is really going to help them understand the differences between themselves and black classmates. The type of education I think would be the most effective is when people can ask questions and/or provide answers without being worried about what others will think. There is no way you will know why it is that certain people do things in certain ways unless you ask.

I have often thought that eventually, with the racial/ethnical blending of marriages, resulting in multi-racial children, there will be no more racism. I know that is an ideal that is extremely unlikely, but it does seem as though people are gradually becoming more tolerant. It would be wonderful if some day people could just look at each other and not see color, but see another uniquely created individual with qualities to admire and emulate. Does anyone believe this could actually happen? Or does human nature, with its greediness, suspicions, and other weaknesses prohibit this ideal from ever coming to fruition?
Man, am I talking off my bean, or what?

I think that part of what Lionspaw is referring to is the way in which Americans choose to marry, sort of in defiance of their parents' wishes. Probably in most other cultures in the world, the family has some input into who the child marries--we've all heard about arranged marriages, and we've all heard about families that insist their offspring marry someone within the culture (Did everyone see My Big Fat Greek Wedding?-- well, yeah, she wants to rebel against that tradition). I've spoken to people from such cultures. One friend of mine said that in her culture, the families don't exactly arrange the marriage, but they arrange things so that the children meet each other. They want to know where the families are from, how they were raised, whether they have good values, whether the son would be a good provider, the woman a good mother, stuff like that. This friend I spoke with said they don't have this notion of "falling in love" before marrying, but it's more of a business arrangement -- and after all, after the first 15 months, studies say that the romance is usually over. But this friend says she and her husband have so much in common, they're so compatible, their families are all so supportive of them both, that they _learn_ to love each other. She also pointed out that marriages in her culture usually are strong and lasting. I'm not saying that Americans should want to have arranged weddings. I'm only noticing this thread in the discussion that hasn't yet been acknowledged.

My goodness so many wonderful,"truthfilled" thoughts.You all have touched on a topic very near to me. In fact I have been avoiding reading the topic because I knew I would have some strong feelings come up.
My son, my only child, married a black woman. I've said this many times before and this is the first time I've seen it in print.Tears. Why tears? I don't know. Can't put my finger on it.I just know there are so many feelings I've had and in my usual manner of getting through life- make light of what bothers me.
Growing up I think we have a picture of our life,especially as women. For some reason, since I was 13 I had this feeling that I would have a blonde,blue eyed son-and that is exactly what I had 27 years ago.(I'm a brunette,so is his dad so...)So the pictures of my future children,grand children etc.were of those that looked like me. When my son told me he was in love with this girl I was floored. WAIT my dreams I have to redo them all!! All of them since he being my only child the grandchildren I'd envisioned, my only grandchildren,would be different too. They wouldn't be considered white by 'this society',they would be considered a race different from me,from my son, from their dad.
Please understand I was raised in a white town between Paterson and Passaic NJ. I was raised to fear blacks,to protect myself from them because they were different from me. (Boy! this is weird seeing this in print.)When I took the public bus to school blacks were still hanging toward the back. Even the water fountains in downtown Paterson still had the black and white 'separateness' about them.I remember seeing a black person in a TV commercial for the first time.We moved to the suburbs and my rather well-to-do high school had one black girl enter the year I graduated ('68). In college I took a course where I had to work in the ghetto. I took it so that I would get over my fear and try to come to know "these people".
So even though life has certainly provided me the opportunity to grow and leave those prejudices behind me they, on occasion, reared their ugly heads when I was now confronted with the fact that my new daughter was of a culture that I once
feared.That my dreams for my only child would now be different.That he would have to face attack and ridicule because of whom he chose to spend his life with.(Oddly enough blacks have been the ones taunting them ,not whites.)That my grandchildren may have to face the same thing, that they may have to "choose a race to be".
There is much more to write but I've made a deal with myself that I won't write after midnight cause of being tired I could write stuff very out of whack.So till another time.Be kind if you respond and realize there is more to come before the ending.

Caloona, I look forward to the rest of your thoughts on this topic because I know you and I know how proud you are of your son!

We are products of the way we were raised, but I believe we continue to open our eyes wider and wider. We shouldn't stop growing and trying to improve our hearts until the day we die!

Caloona, I can totally understand your resistance to wanting to look at this topic. I know it has brought up a lot of feelings I would have rather left in the back of my mind at times. I appreciate you letting your gaurd down enough to share some of your thoughts about this topic. I would love to hear more from you. I think I could learn a lot about my parent's perspective from you without having the intensity that comes up when trying to figure it out with them.