Just checking the boards and realized that this topic had the oldest post. I am just curious because I think most of the people(though not all) in the forum are married. Why aren't we talking about our marriages? What's up with that?

Why aren't we talking about our marriages? Hmm?
We could all probably write volumes. I love my husband, he's my closest friend at this point....but usually when your friends get on your nerves you can take a breather....you can't really take a timeout from marriage can you? Marriage is such a funny thing, the most co-dependent, passive aggressive pas de deux in the world. Why do men leave the toilet seat up? passive aggression....it annoys us. Why do all men need a recliner? passive agression, what women want a recliner in their traditional living room? Why is their never any toilet paper left on the roll? Because men need it only occassionally and when they use the last of it....who suffers, not them, they drip dry. (Oh my is this really on line...sorrry!) I could go on and on.....

Two reasons for me, I guess. One, I am new to this and just getting my feet wet. Two, I am very happy on this particular topic and am not sure how that is necessarily helpful to people unless they want to know why people are happy. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject and eventually would like to spend time trying to help people start off right in marriage.

I love your point about being happy in your marriage. I too am happy and feel so very blessed to contunue to be happy after 23 years of marriage. In fact, there are times that I feel GUILTY because of that happiness. Not everyone has it and I find this sad. I have a husband who has always been willing to communicate AND do his fair share. I feel like we are a true team. Why is it that some men aren't willing to do their fair share. I know women who are who are willing to work at their marriages, but their husbands don't understand what that means, and if they do...they aren't willing.

I wouldn't want to not be married to my husband, if that makes any sense. I love when we are able to escape our daily reality and go to lunch midweek or sneak out for a late night every so often. I love to make him laugh. A good day is one that begins with a warm hug and a chuckle or two. And it is the laughter that gets us through the times we want to kill each other! I think that people need to be committed to the idea that marriage is for the long haul and takes energy and creativity and hard work sometimes. If I walked away every time I wanted to throw in the towel because things got a little rocky, I would have left before the ink was dry on the license.
It also helps me to remember that regardless of what I promised my husband on that day, I made a vow to God and really don't want to let Him down.

I believe there is a lot to be said about taking the vow seriously and I am not convinced everyone does. I go back and forth between marveling at how resilient marriages are to fearing how fragile they are. I also see so much damage people inflict in failing to communicate. I try to have my husband understand that if I am hurting him about something, usually it is out of stupidity than malice, and over the years, he has come to believe me. I feel sorry for people that do not or are not able to hang in there for 20 years or so, because it is getting better all the time. This is where I feel like I can probably help down the road, and where a forum like this could be good, in terms of letting people know what to expect and not to expect out of a marriage.

My marriage lasted from 1973 until 2000, and enede only with the death of my husband. I still "feel married", even though it's been three years. My parents were married 52 years when my mother died and my father was (and is) married for life. My grandfathers both lost their wives at 52 and neither of them ever dated again (they both died in their late 70's and 80's).

I think that married people today need reality checks. You don't throw in the towel every time the laundry isn't in the hamper, or he wants to watch a football game, or you can't decide who gets the last piece of pie, or the kids are driving you both nuts, or somebody left their dish on the floor and it's growing mould under the sofa, or you forgot to put gas int he car and he ran out on the way to work to a very important meeting, etc.

A good marriage takes hard work from both sides. You have to be ready to commit to it for life, not until something better comes along. Sometimes you have to actually do things that aren't fun, too.

And if anyone tells you they never argue, they are fibbing big time---everybody does----BUT, the arguments can be constructive or destructive.

We had many arguments in our 29 years, but boy, did we love to make up!! Made the arguments almost worth it, I'll tell you!

and another thing....i do not believe inthis whole don't argue in front on your kids thing. that is a bunch of bull. how else are oyur kids going tolearn how to resolve conflict if they don't see how it happens and gets resolved in the first place. my kids are the best at it... believe me!!!! my husband and i have lived each and every wedding vow to the highest and lowest point! without that there is no strength of character or strength in marriage.. i am a firm believer in that. unless you know each others best and worst points how do you truly know each other? you must be good fighters to be good lovers.

Your point about fussing in front of the children is an excellent one. I never saw my parents argue or get angry with each other. So when I got involved in relationships I was sure the world was coming to an end if we fought. In fact I had huge anger issues. I would never get angry or lose my temper, at least not on the outside. But on the inside my anger was eating me alive. When I finally blew it was not a pretty thing.

And the opposite side of the coin is the affection kids see. My kids are old enough now to be embarrassed when my husband and I are caught in a hug or kiss. And heaven for bid we get caught patting fannies....our oldest is mortified and tells us to rent a room. But I think it is imperative that children see a loving affectionate relationship and know that it doesn't end as parents get older. I pray that it gives them a healthy view of the sexual aspects of a relationship within the framework of marriage.

veery true.. my children have grown up living the embarrassment a hug or kiss in front of friend can give. my husbands favorite is during a kiss, the flip of his foot behind him in the air. (women used to do that in the movies and he thinks it is funny that he as a man does it in front of the kids,,,,,well,,mine are young adults,,but anyway). i have read that children secretly love it when their parents show affection. it gives them a feeling of security.

It's great to read about so many happy healthy marriages. Here's another side. My marriage ended after 13 years. My ex-husband's parents divorced when he was 12 and he often said that his family life was like a train wreck. His parents fought constantly, and did so in front of the kids. He grew up feeling that disagreements indicated that something was terribly wrong with the relationship, and consequently we couldn't really discuss anything in a meaningful way whether or not in front of the kids. I think our divorce was a complete shock to our son who never saw us argue or even disagree. My parents disagreed a lot -- she's a democrat, he's a republican, and have been married more than 50 years, so my experience was totally different. Perhaps this is something that should be explored thoroughly before you get married. There definitely needs to be a healthy balance. Maybe it depends on the topics under dispute?

It's great to read about so many happy healthy marriages. Here's another side. My marriage ended after 13 years. My ex-husband's parents divorced when he was 12 and he often said that his family life was like a train wreck. His parents fought constantly, and did so in front of the kids. He grew up feeling that disagreements indicated that something was terribly wrong with the relationship, and consequently we couldn't really discuss anything in a meaningful way whether or not in front of the kids. I think our divorce was a complete shock to our son who never saw us argue or even disagree. My parents disagreed a lot -- she's a democrat, he's a republican, and have been married more than 50 years, so my experience was totally different. Perhaps this is something that should be explored thoroughly before you get married. There definitely needs to be a healthy balance. Maybe it depends on the topics under dispute?

I've been thinking about this whole argument topic for days now. My husband and I have rarely flat out argued. We certainly have our disagreements that we discuss and we know the other is disgusted, but we don't yell and scream or carry on for long. We say why we are hurt, or why we think the kids should or shouldn't do such and such and come to a compromise most times. Interesting point is that when we do this our kids have told us to STOP ARGUING. We perceive it as working things out and they perceive it as arguing because this is how we act when we disagree. I have told them that they have never really seen arguments like some other couples have(loud yelling and screaming, etc.)and I wonder if that is good. They might marry the wild, crazy arguing type and not be able to handle it. I have seen that break up one marriage that I am aware of.

What I have decided is that if this works for us, GREAT. However.I"ve told my kids that just because you are married to someone does not mean that you think the same and agree on everything. There are compromises one must make in a marriage and the same person shouldn't always be the one to compromise. There is no place for selfishness in a marriage.

In 25 yrs of marriage I think the most important thing we did for our children -- and ourselves -- was to be honest about our feelings -- we talked and cried and laughed and agreed to disagree. And most important - we respected each other. My husband and children were never my possessions. We treated our boys for what they were -- people -- with opinions and thoughts that differed from our own -- and in return they learned that they could make good decisions and bad decisions and that it was all part of growing up -- we would praise their accomplishments -- and help them through their downs -- and told them that just TRYING kept it from being a failure -- as life's lessons are learned that way.

My husband and boys know all my warts -- they've seen me at my best -- and -- they've seen me the way no child should ever see their mother -- no husband should ever have to deal with -- but our respect for each other got us back to love and once again I think they consider me among their most trusted of friends -- what more could a mother/wife ask for ;-)

lionspaaw makes a good point. It is really important that our kids see us as we truly are and learn that their parents are real people with real feelings. We laugh, cry, hurt, want, need....just like they do.

My oldest heard me say this to him from the time he was little --

Robert --- I've never been the mother of an 8 yr old (or 10 or 14). I'm going to do things right and I'm going to do things wrong -- and since you're the oldest -- you get to be my guinea pig
;-)

Show your kids your war wounds and they won't be afraid to show you their bruises.

Show your husband that you're not super mom or super wife -- that you're just another person stumbling through life -- and he'll want to take the journey with you.

This is a Good Topic. I don't like to brag so I wasn't going to type a Reply but I noticed that no one mentioned their relationship w/GOD. My Hubby & I have been married now for 23 years and we give HIM all the credit. We've had some really bad days but more good ones than I can count. When things get out of control we take a "break", go to our seperate corners and PRAY. It hasn't always been easy, but GOD has gotten us thru as well as streghtened our realationship. Respect is another key factor in a good marriage. And I am Thankful that GOD has given me a man who LOVES me even before I've had my morning coffee. LOL

Lady, thanks for bringing this back. I appreciate your point about having Christ at the center of marriage. Without Him, egos tend to get in the way.

If we are always seeking and yearning to live more like Him, then all of our relationships improve. Don't you think?

Speaker,I am going to carry the triangle concept with me. That's beautiful. Thank you.

Praying together is something Ross and I have done off and on throughout our marriage. It is so intimate to share what's near and dear to your heart with your loved one and God. Thanks for the reminder to pray together again.

Our minister once shared the best way to stay happily married is to outdo one another with kindness. This is my advice to newlyweds. That, and keep God at the center.

I like this triangle symbol too. I know God saved our marriage in 1996. We were having serious problems and went to a Christian Marriage Encounter week end. It was very emotional and healing for our marriage. long story, but God is the First person in our marriage even though we need to remind one another from time to time.
Linda

Linda, I'm glad you had the presence of mind to do an encounter. I've heard about those Marriage Encounters. Can you tell us more about what goes on? Do you bare your soul to a group, or to your husband only?

[ April 05, 2005, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]