I need help. My daughter 18 left home two weeks ago. She left home because she didn't like her curfew of 12:30- 1:00. She felt younger kids were doing more than she. She left to live with friends, she want to be on her own, support herself and do want ever she wants. The problem she wants to stay where she lives and go to the community college because thats where her boyfriend attends. I sold my house to move upstate new york because i thought she was settled in college. However, she is missing out on a $32,000 schlorship for swimming. She says she doesnt want to swim anymore. She has been doing it much of her life. How can u let something like this go? She came over with the police officer and picked up some of her items. The rest is stored. Any ideas. I have grieve forher and now again Im angry.

She came over with a police officer? Why in the world did she do that?

I have four grown children and one thing among many, that I've learned is you just have to let them learn from their own mistakes as painful as it is. That's how I learned at that age.

Sounds like the love in her life is influencing her. Maybe if that goes away, her brain will kick into gear again. I swear, they go through a span of mental craziness for a time.

If it helps, my oldest son is visiting me right now with his little family and there was a time I felt he'd never live to see 25. They do pull out of it.

My oldest left home right after she graduated high school to live with friends. She was only 18. She moved out for the same reasons. She didn't like her curfew and the rules of the house. She felt she was "old enough" to live on her own. She's now 24 yrs old and has been married for 4 years. I think she's grown up a lot and has turned out okay.

I, too, grieved when my daughter left home, but I came to understand that she was growing up and becoming independent. Since it was I who raised her to be independent, I could only blame myself.

As for your daughter coming back home with a police officer to pick up some of her things, she may have felt threatened on some way (pre-conceived or not) that she would find resistance from you. This could be from the influence of her friends as well.

Teenagers have so much pressure on them from their peers and society and themselves to prove that they're grown up. It's rough on them. They so badly want to establish their independence.

Go with your feelings. Feel your grief, be angry, and then accept the inevitable. Your daughter is growing up. Most of all, be supportive and let your daughter know in some way that you still love her. It helped in my situation, it might help in yours.

The survival of my 18 yr. old is a tribute to the L.A.P.D.
She packed up her clothes in trash bags, bungie corded them onto her mustang and took off with a friend for California. She called every day while camping up and down the west coast spending every penny I sent her for hotels, etc on having fun.
After she trading her car meaning I didn't know her tag number, she called crying about having a fender bender somewhere in the greater L.A. area.
When I reufused to pay to get her car repaired and insisted she come home, she hung up on me and didn't call for a week.

I couldn't sleep and was losing my mind with worry. I didn't know if she was just being spoiled or if she had been murdered or was being held hostage or no telling what.
Finally I called the L.A.P.D. They asked where they could get her dental records which really got me nuts.
But that very afternoon, she called from the police department. She was sooo upset. She said, "Mom, don't ever do that again!"

Seems the L.A.P.D. had tracked down the car accident to get her tag number then pulled her over and took her to the station. They handed her a phone, stood over her, and ordered her to "Call your Mother!"

She came home right after that.

I still love the L.A.P.D. When I hear them being harrassed in the media or something, I want to just go out there and give them all a hug.
They do survive!
smile

[ July 22, 2005, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

I'm sure your heart is aching. I'm praying for you and your daughter. I have 20 and 16 year old sons, and a 17 year old daughter. My heart goes out to you.

I think the most important thing you can do for her is to let her know you love her, but don't approve of her decisions. But be certain she knows you love her.

How are you managing? Please remember to take care of yourself, talk with friends, pray, meet with a counselor, exercise, sleep, etc. It's important that you keep your sanity.

Unfortunately most of us grew up with the Father Knows Best TV show and The Cleavers well let me tell you that was all crap...Most of us that have older children have gone through much sadness and dissalusionment when we were faced with the realitys of "the real world." Michelle, my son at 17, 18 and probably until 22 gave me more missery than you can ever imagine. Horrible nasty girlfriends, they stole from my home, my purse. He was smart mouthed and insolent and left home. First he lived in a commune then he lived under a picnic table near our home at the beach. I went by to see him and said that "no matter what he did, how he felt about me, I loved him totally and when he was ready to act his age and follow the few rules of the house, my door was always open to him." A day later after a very cold and snowy night, he came home and now he's married to a wonderful woman and is the best son, father and step father anyone could ever ask for. Once he came home long ago, he appologized and has never hurt me since. I too ran away at 18, my father was unreasonable and mentally ill but when I saw what it did to my mother, I came back got engaged then married a wonderful boy. My mother never turned her back on me and I always remember apreciated that. I hope your child comes to her senses as many of us has an no harm comes to her in the meantime. It seems no matter how much time passes, some things never change....

Hello, I just want to ask something. Is it legal for a 18 years old to leave home? Sorry I m not originally from here so I dont know how the law works here in these kind of cases. are they still minors at the age of 18? If so why cant we just call the police and bring them home? Can a 18 years old leave home just for his or her own decition? I thought they had to be at least 19. I live in the state of New York so please, somebody answer me I dont know what to do.

Thank you

Americans are considered emancipated adults at 18.
Most people I know take quite awhile longer to become adults, myself included. I'm not sure I qualify now and I'm 47! But seriously, at 18 a "child" can leave home and pretty much do as they please (although the national drinking age is still 21 as far as I know).

And for Michelle....I understand your heartache completely...my son walked away from a full 4 year scholarship after a semester. He lounged around for about a year and then decided to enlist in the Army. My dreams of watching my son play lacrosse in college, visits home for holidays and summers, evaporated over night. But he has grown up a great deal in a short time and I am very proud of him.

Your daughter has made a choice and it's probably not a good one....the hard part will be letting her live with the choices for good or ill. If the first time she has a problem or needs help she calls you to rescue her, you're going to have to do the tough love thing and let her deal w/ her own problems. The one thing I'm sure of is that if you rescue her, she'll learn nothing, and she'll keep doing the runaway then come home routine. I have a 40plus sibling who is still pulling that w/ my mother!

This is the part of motherhood that is the most gut wrenching of all. We're all with you here and will pray for you.

I believe they can leave at 18 but you're still legally responsible for them until they are 21. Not 100% sure on that but I think it's true.

I left home at 18 and am here to say I wasn't old enough mentally. Thought I knew it all as do most 18 year olds but was so wrong. In Illinois, Nevada and DC a parent is off the hook at age 18. Don't know about any other states.

[ August 23, 2005, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Oh my goodness! My heart certainly goes out to you. I have an eighteen year old and have struggled to get her qualified for the small scholarships that she has. Your daughter will certainly regret her decisions once it hits her, as you know. I sure will be praying that she sees the light and that your heart mends.

God bless!

i have to say that im 30 right now, and i left my home when i was 18, and i was very happy but my situation is different, i had a mother who lived with my dad but they were divorced, because i fell in love and had a boyfriend, they sent me to a correctional facility and it was so traumatic, i still have the effects of it (nightmares etc.) i could not stand to be anywhere around my family. my brothers tried to ruin my boyfriend, and my mother stuck by them. my father didnt get very involved. luckily we had a church we went to, where the preist stood me and my boyfriend, who is now my husband, he stuck by me since i was 15 and we are very happy.

Angel, thanks for giving us another perspective. This is so important for mothers of teens to hear. I hope you'll stick around and shed soem more light in the forums.

I left home at 18 because I had a modeling contract to fulfill. I thought I was so grown up but then, I wasn't nearly ready to be on my own. I met this handsome young man and I thought he was just the bee's knees and I didn't recognize the family name. Well, his father was one of the highest ranking mobsters in America and was actually in hiding from a Grand Jury so he wouldn't have to testify. I didn't learn until later that we were followed by the FBI everywhere we went and his phones were tapped. Even when I took him home to meet my parents, the local police were notified that he was coming to town. I was clueless for a while. They wanted to know where his father was and bad!

I finally figured it out and at that age, I thought it was glamorous and exciting but it got old and I dumped him. Surprised I wasn't found in a river with cement shoes on my feet.

Say Dianne thats about the only kind of shoe you haven't worn, RIGHT???? and thank the Lord for that.....LOL

hardy, har, har!

My goodness Dianne...that's some experience. Isn't it amazing how resilient we are when we're young, thinking we can take on the world. Thank God for youth and its innocence. I think in alot of ways its our innocence that can protect us, even unknowingly. As long as we're tapped into our own inner core.

When I was 18 I quit grade thirteen and hitchhiked with my boyfriend all through the U.S and across Canada. I swear to God I had angels who picked me up. They were forever giving me advice, taking me home to meet their family and giving us dinner! I will always remember the kindness of Americans. That was one of the most amazing experiences of my life....meeting such kind people across the U.S. nation and getting to experience the grandeur of the U.S. and its amazing landscapes!

With regard to kids leaving home. My son wanted to move to Alberta because his girlfriend was moving there. He was 18. He still had one more year to go in high school. I told him that he had to finish high school. After that he was free, a free man. The minute he left high school he went to live with his girlfriend ( who became his friend) and her family in Alberta, to get work in the restaurant business. We live in the wilderness. Exactly one year later he returned home and told me of his experience in the work world. He had 2 managers, the first one was totally perfect, organized, fair, knew what he was doing but the second one, came in, started firing people and created total chaos. My son couldn't believe the way business worked. So he came home.

He said he'd never leave B.C. again and he'd create his own job. He missed the mountains, the clean water, the fresh air and his family! He's with us now! And I thank God I had the courage to give him his freedom! What a sweetheart! He even helped me scan my 360 page manuscipt into Word on the computer before he left. What a job that was! I am truly blessed by a son who sees wisdom and is following his creative heart!

Raising kids in their late teens is like walking a tight rope sometimes...you've got to gage their wisdom, their heart, their creativity, their goals and the yearning for their spirit's freedom as well as peer pressure. I found the one main thing that was important was teaching my son how to think for himself! Instead of being blown about by the wind following his peers thoughts and deeds. I also told him the truth, I agreed with him that school was crap, but he had to do it, a) because that was the way the world worked and b) because school would expand the mind and his ability to think. He agreed! In Canada, school has been dumbed down extensively...what is required of the kids now is just a drop in the bucket compared to back in the seventies when I went to school.

Kids are getting a raw deal, right across the board, systems designed to churn them out into the world with no training, no understanding, and no wisdom. Schools that teach random courses that will not benefit kids in the real world! Rising costs in education that benefit school boards and not the kids.

I think in these times it's important to find the talent in your children...their interests and nurture them...because they came in for a purpose and its our job to help them find their purpose and to help give them an avenue to express it.

And I feel for those kids who leave home because of abuse and pain. God that would suck..being a kid and nowhere to go for peace.

With love
Leigha

Leigha, I did a lot of hitchiking in my late teens too and had mostly great experiences. Thank goodness we lived through them too.
I agree about school. Our kids went to school for their first few years and then we pulled them out to homeschool/unschool. I know it's not for everyone but we all loved it and my kids definitely think for themselves. Did/does anyone else here homeschool their kids?

Dream of the Circle of Women
by Dahti Blanchard
published May 2004 by Spilled Candy Books
visit: www.dahtiblanchard.com

I too was a hitchhiker-1969 and I was supposed to be in college but an anti war demo shut down the school and someone said- let's go to SAN Francisco- I was there!!
What I did to my poor momma
Don't know how we survived- people wqere different in lots of ways- except for Charlie Manson types
I always seemed to get picked up by Southern mommas who made me feel bad about my momma
I never did get back to college-I'm not sure I regret it

Hitchhiking? I'm glad you all survived. Can you imagine doing that now?

Dahti, Danita homeschools.

Leigha, raising teens is tricky business. Some days I'm good at it, and other days I stink. One of my biggest messages to my kids as they cut the apron strings is this:

It's not you I don't trust...it's the rest of the world.

Dear Dahti

W

Dear Dahti & Pattyann

I messed up on the previous post, hit a button and oops!I don't know how to remove a goofed up post.

We were lucky back then. I think there was alot more innocence back then.

I also homeschooled my son. His first year of high school he didn't like because it mostly about protecting himself. The boys were all trying to be dominant, see who was the toughest, you know the score. So he decided to go to an outreach school for a year in Nelson, the nearest small city, about 13,000 people, since there was a bus going there and everything was done on computer.

The year after that I decided it would be good to homeschool him. He learned more about politics, life, different religions, wisdom and how to think, being at home listening to our discussions which cover every topic under the sun. Being home during those vulnerable years, where peers generally try to dominate your belief system at school, helped my son avoid all that crap and teenage angst.

He also learned new methodologies on how to study. His marks went up into the 80's and 90's, a vast improvement from his previoius marks.
When he went back for grade 11 and 12 he did great and loved it. He said homeschooling gave him confidence and respect for his abilities and proved to him that he was capable of pulling in great grades.

Dotsie, with regard to hitchhiking I can't imagine doing that now. However, my son does hitchike locally as do alot of people. Mostly they get rides from locals in nearby towns, going from town to town to meet with friends. It's quite different out here in the wilderness. We pretty much know everybody in the local towns, at least to recgonize when they drive by on our wilderness highway. Everybody has a wave and a smile which is really lovely considering I grew up a big city girl outside of Toronto.

That was my same message too Dotsie to my son, 'It's not you I don't trust...it's the rest of the world.'

With that in mind I told him about everything I could with regard to people, relationships, the dangerous people out in the world and his inner voice, how to trust the moment. When he hitchikes he listens inside for the best time to get a ride, then goes out and there's the perfect ride.
Prayer is an amazing protector.

I am very grateful that he has the wisdom inside to bypass all the crap our teenagers are inundated with. In fact, I'm very grateful he passed by those teenage years and didn't need to do the wild partying scene teenagers today are into.

I taught my son that the world is out for itself, that it is run by fear and that for him to make decisions he had to bypass the way the world does things and listen to his inner voice and what was right for him.

Yeah it was tough raising my son, terrified he'd get trapped in the wild aspect of the teenage years, or trapped by his peer's values. That was tough. I was just so glad that keeping him home with regard to homeschooling changed his whole outlook. He was able to see crap for what it was, able to be who he was. I thank God he made it. These days you hear so many stories about kids and drugs, the wild parties.

At some point I may write about how our technology and society itself is raising our kids, instead of parents. We're actually being divorced from our kids by economics, government and technology. Our whole way of life is taking us away from inner values.

With love
Leigha

I just wanted to mention...with regard to not trusting the world out there... Many of us were taught the dangers in the world and so we always had a layer of fear within us. However, many of us were not taught to trust ourselves, or we weren't privy to wisdom within us because we weren't privy to wisdom from outside of us.

There are many ways of dealing with the outside world without having fear. It's our job to look within and realize that much of what we experience is based on fear based belief systems and that our lives can change for the better when we open up and realize that there is really nothing to fear when we trust ourselves.

With love
Leigha

My 17-year-old daughter was seeing a 36-year old man behind our backs. We found out and told her we could not support nor condone this behavior in our home. She chose to move out. She stayed with him for a few weeks then he got her a studio apt near school (she's a senior). She now turned 18. When she left, she wrote me (mom) a long hate letter how I've never been there for her because i was taking care of others. She would rather starve on the streets then spend one more day in our home. She would rather be dead than be anything like me. This after I've lost both parents and one in-law parent. I can hardly bare this. How does one get through this pain? I adopted my sister's 3 girls - two were cocaine addicted (she is one). She is a straight A student. I don't know where "to be" with this. He is supporting her. He is a deadbeat dad. I'm sorry for droning on and on. Thanks for listening

Don't be sorry, you need to get this out. Have you spoken to a clergyman or a therapist? How is your husband dealing with this? My heart is breaking for you...

Mama, this breaks my heart. This is one of the reasons being a member for the sandwich generation is so hard. How could you ignore your parents? Gosh, I can't stand this.

Do yourself a favor and recall how passionately teens live and feel. Her words are an exageration for sure. I know they still heart, but I have a feeling she will not feel this way forever. This older man is influencing her in ways we don't understand. I'm praying for your grief.

I'd say, give her space. I bet you'll hear from her before you know it.

I agree with bluebird. Do you have someone to talk with?

michelle, i'm so sorry for your daughter's leaving and the loneliness her absence must be in your heart. my sister did more or less the same thing, minus the police. she finally came to her senses about 6 months later.

she now has 2 young adult daughters who have dished it back to her big time. they, too, are now both settled down and looking at weddings in the near future.

i pray that your daughter finds her own peace sooner than later and gets on with the rest of her life with you in it!

mama, if anyone would just tell us why our kids turn on us like they sometimes do, maybe we could see it coming and prevent it. personally, i think it is the outside influences that start hitting them as soon as they leave the nest for kindergarten.

my 2 older kids went through a stage when they thought they would be better off in foster homes. my daughter even threatened to call social services and try to make it happen.

hubby and i did our very best to provide a peaceful home for them. my in-laws fight constantly so hubby grew up with that and refused to let our kids go through that kind of turmoil. i grew up in a peaceful home so it wasn't as much effort for me. to this day, we will never know what made them think they would be better off elsewhere; especially knowing other kids who were far worse off than they were.

our daughter died when she was 13 and that, of course, changed the course of life for the boys and us. even though i believe she had turned the corner and realized what a good life she had here at home before she died, it still hangs over me like unfinished business and always will. i choose not to dwell on it but it was a hurtful time for us all.

missi brought so much beauty to our lives, i find peace in knowing we did our best, no matter what stages of disillusionment she went through.

Oh Flipper,

How sad is your daughter passing at 13! My heart just fell to my stomach. I can't imagine the heartache you have experienced.

Raising kids is a scarry endevor! (searcher has my dictionary, thus I can't spell! lol). I have a 14 yr old boy, and a 16 yr old girl. My daughter plans on leaving home next summer.

If only THEY knew what we know, huh?

hugs to you flipper,
danita

thanks for the hugs, danita - they are always welcomed!

why does your daughter want to leave next summer? is she planning to work away from home or does she just think elsewhere will be better?

you are right, "if only they knew what we know"...on the other side of the coin, if only i'd known then what i know now! WOW!

'Raising kids is a scarey endevor', that is certainly the truth Danita, and it goes to the next generation when our grandchildren have lived with us for whatever reason. It helps me when worrying and fear is too big, and i cant do anything more to protect them, to ask God..... 'please just keep two large angels around them and protect them, because i cant'.

Flipper,

We live in Colorado, and her (ahem) Fianceeeee (or however you spell THAT word. lol) lives in Maryland.

She wanted to leave a year ago - it was when she went through her "Bad time".....she could have ended up a run-away...I just asked her to give me one more year with her. She honored my wish.

So, anywho....I'm leaving it in God's hands. We have a very good family life, our home is peaceful. She isn't leaving us, she just wants to be home (in MD).

When Bre (my DD) had her situation, I would have "mommy thereapy" with her. I would just hold her in my arms and love on her. She said it made all the difference in the world.


danita

[ November 12, 2005, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: Danita ]

Norma, I pray for the health and safety of my kids every day. I pray the Prayer of Jabez for all of us.

Danita, what a blessing that she would let you do that! You are one wise woman.

Once when my daughter was angry with me (she's adopted) said that she wishes she was adopted by another family. I can relate. I told her that when I was a kid I told my mom I wished I had been adopted! I don't take offense. It's all a stage! I no more wish I was raied in another family than the man in the moon!

Wisdom comes with age and experience.

[ November 11, 2005, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

danita, please go back to my post of 11-07 about my daughter - i know it is easy to get mixed up with what you've read from whom in these threads - they get kind of tangled now and then.

your daughter is a very lucky girl and has a wise and loving mom. it is so hard to know what to do when our kids want to fly before we think they are ready.

my oldest boy wanted to elope when a soph. in high school. we got them to wait and they did get married when he was 21. we were so relieved and put on a big splash of a wedding. DIL is a blessing to our family and they have blessed us with our first grandchild, a little girl who is now 9 mo. old. i get to be her day care granny so am having a great time with her.

my 22 yr. old son is downstairs with his girlfriend right now. i really like her but they haven't been going out very long and am hoping they don't try to do the overnight thing here already. we didn't KNOWINGLY let his brother his lady sleep together here and i was hoping this one wouldn't challenge us on it.

i know they will do what they want to but i don't feel we have to provide the place. on the other hand, if the worst thing a kid does anymore is sleep with their future mate, i guess we should consider ourselves lucky. i wonder sometimes if we relax our standards through rationalization or for genuine changes in our attitudes.

i'm tired and talking myself into a corner so better quit and go to bed.

Flipperjo,

I am soooo sorry for the mistake. Talk about losing your mind! I DID have you mixed up with the poster who had just brought her daughter home from the hospital.

Great story about your oldest....there is hope!

danita

Flipper, they can and will do what they want. We can talk until we're blue in the face about saving one self for marriage. But we have no control. However, we're not going to make it easier for them by knowingly allowing it in our home.

Flipper, I'm so glad your son listened. That would have been a few tough years for all of you. Don't you think?

yes, it would have been rougher than it already was. the kids had been going steady for about 6 mo. when the accident happened and our daughter was killed. that night, it was like son and his girlfriend became superglued together. he asked me if he could get married the day he got out of the hospital. i tried to tell him this was not the time but they just wanted to be together all the time. we didn't know what to do because we knew they needed each other but we didn't want to deal with a high school pregnancy on top of everything else we were dealing with.

they bought an engagement ring and made a plan to elope. luckily, they were young and dumb enough not to keep it a secret at school and we found out about it. thank God we managed to stop them.

i have to give DIL a lot of credit, though. she was my son's rock as he grieved for his sister. even his therapist told me that sunshine (my nickname for my son) was doing his biggest grief work with her. she showed a lot of guts for a 16 year old girl. she stuck in there with him and is a joy for him and our family.

Wow flipper. What a powerful story.

d.

flipper, I love stories aout how 16 year olds making a difference. Teens often get such a bad rap. Mind me asking how long your son was in the hospital after the accident? My gracious. You had a lot on you.

sunshine and my younger son wade were both in the accident. sunshine had a small crack in the back of his heel. wade had no broken bones, lots of bruising. he still has chronic back pain where the worst bruising was. they were both in icu for the first night and in a regular room for a second. only one needed the second night but we opted to keep them both there so they'd be together.

it was an awful time. i stayed at the hospital with the boys while dh had to be home because we were milking 100 cows at the time. family and friends gathered and helped with everything but we were so numb, everything just seemed to float around us.

jenny stayed with sunshine the whole time in the hospital and for several days after we got home. and you are right about the bad rap teens get. we saw how compassionate and loving they are when given the chance.

sunshine and missi went to a catholic hs. for 2 years after the accident, missi's classmates and friends had a special memorial service for her at school on the anniversary of the accident. we also hosted all of them who wanted to be here on her birthday (dec. 30) and served sloppy jos and birthday cake every year till they graduated and scattered to go to school and get married, etc. whenever i see any of them now, they have a big hug and lots of chat for me. i don't know what we'd have done without them.