No, I didn't realize that his dad had died. But it really isn't uncommon for people to *idealize* people who have died. Grief does strange things to a person's heart - besides just breaking it. That first famous book about grief came out in the 70's ~'76(?). On Death and Dying, was that it? Talked about all the stages of grief; denial, anger, and I forget all the rest. The point I'm making is that if he has decided that his dad is a Hero, trying to change his mind will just reinforce his belief in the hero image. Sugar, just keep being your sweet mom self. You don't have to listen to him 'diss' you. That isn't right. But he's not only grieving for what isn't -- he's also grieving for what will never be. You may just be bearing the brunt of his anger because he feels safe showing it to you. Grief counseling might be good for you if he won't go. Not because you're grieving, but maybe to get a handle on HIS greiving. (Unless he's been disrespecting you all his life, in that case just letting go is probably the way to go)

I remember that book. It was by Elizabeth Kuebler Ross. Right? I had to read that in hgih school.

Yes, I believe you're right. My mom had bought two books like that because her parents died in '76. They were there, so I read 'em, too. Heck, I'd read anything. Cereal box, toothpaste tube, dictionary...Didn't matter. I couldn't find my mouth with a fork without a book in my hand.

laughing at unique! I was the same way! What really drove my parents crazy was that on our car trips, I'd read every last sign and billboard on the way. "A little dab will do ya! Queens Boulevard, right turn."

Meredith, you think you drove your parents crazy by reading the signs, I Sang the signs. Drove the whole family nuts, but I loved it.

As to Kubler-Ross, It was a part of a nursing class I taught ages ago and I have never forgotten it. I still go back to it occasionally. It applies to a lot of life's losses. I've read others, but I think it is still the best.
smile

Smiles, I went back to it too when Mom was dying. Elizabeth KR was one smart cookie!

[ February 11, 2005, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Sugar, your son can't talk to a dead man and express his anger so he's transfered it to you. The only place he can lay the blame. The ex is dead so you get to be punished. They say anger is a part of grief and since he can't say it to the no good father, you get elected. But, the verbal abuse sucks and I'm glad you stopped allowing it.

I've mentioned before that I went through this with my oldest son. One time I called him and he bluntly told me, "Leave me alone." So, I did. I cut off communications. He eventually went to a counselor and called me, apologizing. He couldn't make himself believe the male figure in his life was so rotten so I had to be the rotten one. His dad was and still is, a drunk and today, he doesn't have any kind of relationship with him but we're very close. It does work out with time.

Yeah, I laughed out loud at Unique too. I was the same. I actually did read a version of a condensed dictionary. The only problem though is that I have some sorta short term memory issue now and just barely remember that I ever learned to read, let alone what I've read and by whom! Oh well!

Ladies, that all sounds good about why my son is tripping. My family is just outdone with his behavior. That reinforces me though. I DO know that it is not just an illusion in my head that this man-child is telling the truth.

Many children throughout the years have wanted so badly to exchange with him the kind of family life he had. We were rich with love and tenderness and certainly education-oriented. When the kids visited, most of the time they cried when it was time to go. They would call or comeback excited as they'd apply what they learned at our home....my goodness. Why wont he remember those good ole' days?

I wont try to re-rearrange his memories although it was my sole purpose to make sure his life was filled good childhood memories.

In celebration of Black History Month:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part1/1narr5.html

Sugar as I stated earlier you did instill those good memories and eventually they will surface. Right now he is existing in a mode that never exhisted when his Father was alive, a fantasy life he may have wished for. Let him alone, if he talks you talk, if he doesn't contact you, let it alone until he does BUT when he does make sure he shows you the respect you have earned as his mother...He'll come around, you'll see.

Chatty, you sure did say leave it alone and it will work itself out. It's just that it feels too close to death or something to have a living child that I can't communicate with.

Far too many painful years have come and gone in my life. My children and our mutual love was the only thing, and I do mean the only thing, that has kept me going. Well, of course God. So many days, during my healing, I didn't think life was worth living but I knew that I couldnt protect them from a grave. I knew that no one could, or even would, love and tend to their needs the way their mommy would. Now this.

Now, when my daughter talks to him, I want to tell her that she shouldn't talk to such an evil person or that's not the boy that was raised with you and leave him be for now. This is especially since I found out that instead of splitting the insurance money with his sister, he went and gambled it. He loss too! I guess his own demons must be working with him. That was the night he said all of those mean things too. Hmmm. He was really displacing his anger.

I also found out that his grades were really good in college. What a smart idiot!