A new book just out is "The Breaking Point" by Sue Shellenbarger, about the female midlife crisis. (What??) I've just started reading it, but it's fascinating. She writes a column in the Wall Street Journal on "Work and Family." She did a column a couple years ago about having at ATV accident and lightly mentioned her midlife crisis, and she says she got more mail in response to that column than any other. I've seen a couple articles about the book, so there will probably start being more publicity--I'll bet she'll be on Oprah and Good Morning America and all that.

Basically, she says that more women than ever are going through major changes in their 40's and 50's. That's when we stop for a breath, look around, and say, "Is this all there is?" Some of us go completely off the deep end, ditch the spouse, take off for the mountains, etc. Others go through gradual changes that take years.

It seems like most of the women in these forums have gone through a crisis/renewal, with special emphasis on developing our creativity through writing.

I guess to me, renewal is not crisis. Change is not crisis unless it produces stress, which not all change does. I guess my point here is that "crisis" is not always the best word to describe this phenomena.

JulieG, thanks for telling us about this one. This is the topic I've been researching for my book. Every day I learn something new about baby boomer women and I love it. It sounds like this woman is right on target. I've got to look her up. Her name sounds vaguely familiar. I can't wait to see what I can find. Thanks!

Wow, what a thought to just give up and wait silently for death. Not me I'm going to go kicking and screaming, radio blaring Motown in one hand and a chocolate chip cookie in the other....Death wants me, its going to have to do the work... Quiet desperaion my Aunt Fanny!!!No way Josee...

If death wants you Chatty, It will, without doubt, have a fight on its hands. There is no one more full of life than you are. Looks like almost all boomers are pretty lively also.
smile

I was passionate about raising my family. Now that they are almost ready to leave the nest, I have other passions to follow. This site is one of them. God is gracious!

I was passionate about raising my family. Now that they are almost ready to leave the nest, I have other passions to follow. This site is one of them. God is gracious!

Smile, boomers are changing the way we do midlife. We don't want our mother's midlives(midlife?). Many of them didn't know how to handle the empty nest. Boomers in some respects are flying the nest with their kids and discovering all the options for what still lies ahead.

I feel like I am just now "coming into my own". I am turning the big "40" this year, and I have more hope, more passion then ever!

If I could change just one thing about my life (lol) I would have the body I had when I was 21 -- and the experience and wisdom that I have now.

I love where I am at! No crisis here! The good years are at my fingertips!

Danita

What happens if you've just totally lost all sense of any passion whatsoever and don't have a clue what brings you joy or passion? Where do you start looking?

You can say that the best things in life are free, but unfortunately, to add to the dilemma of discovering or pursuing one's passions, the reality is that many passions cost money to pursue.

I don't have to worry about that right now because I'm still trying to figure out what I'm passionate about, and not coming up with anything except just possible (and relatively free) ways to pass the time. But I can't even go out and experiment with options of interest because everything costs more than is affordable right now.

How do you know what your passions are?

I wrote about this in my book. Your passion is usually something you have a deep love for, whether you're following it or not. You think about it and there has always been this little thought in the back of your mind that you would love to pursue it. It doesn't always have to involve money either. Start small and work from there. I always prayed and asked God to show me what it was I was supposed to be doing. Never, at that time, did I think it would be helping battered women!

Julie G said, "Some of us go completely off the deep end, ditch the spouse, take off for the mountains, etc."

I'm sitting here thinking...she says that like it's a bad thing...hm....

Eagle, why not read some books (from your local library) about discovering your passion? Its a starting point, yes?

There's:

a) Discover Your Passion : An Intuitive Search to Find Your Purpose in Life - by Gayle Cassidy

b) Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live - by Martha Beck

c) Create A Life That Tickles Your Soul : Finding Peace, Passion, & Purpose - by Suzanne Zoglio

d) If Not Now when : Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife - Stephanie Marston

e) Awakening at Midlife - Kathleen Brehony

f) What's Next : Women Redefining Their Dreams in the Prime of Life - by Rena Pederson

These are just a few books out there that might spark something magical inside. And if your library carries them, its all FREE! Can't beat the price, eh?

Hope this helps, JJ

Thanks Dianne, I've been seeking my passion for quite awhile now, with the help of a therapist for a year or so, then with the help of good friends who have known me for 20-30 years, and now just through prayer, reading and seeing what other women are passionate about.

The one thing that keeps coming back and resonating throughout my entire being is (don't shudder) "God". My one overriding passion for my entire life has been God. Living my life loving and serving Him. Going wherever the Spirit-wind seemed to be leading me. And always finding myself right where I needed to be at the time. I even went to university to study theology, so I could become a priest in the Catholic Church (that's how much I believed it would someday be possible, because the desire and passion never waned...still hasn't, despite being married now and the possibility not even being remote within my lifetime).

I did try to "transfer" that desire and passion into becoming a nun, but my history of depression and chronic fatigue made that impossible. Eventually I gave up on the idea of a contemplative lifestyle, married and have since tried to live out that passion within the realm of my married life.

It's not quite the same...not even close to what I yearn for. It seems that I have the heart of a contemplative but not the physical/ emotional/ mental makeup to allow for a 100% commitment to that lifestyle. And so even as I hunger for it, I know I have to live within the limitations, making it always seem just slightly out of my reach. Too much and I break...too little and I yearn with an unbearable aching.

There's no doubt in my heart and mind that I'm meant to be married to hubby...he's my stabilizer and the truest love and home I've ever known; I've sure beyond doubt that he's the only person on the face of the earth that has the exact temperament and combination of gifts needed to be able to live with me! So it's clear Who brought him into my life, which is why I'm so sure this is where I'm meant to be.

But what to do with the passion and no physical energy or mental constitution to be able to do much with it. Maybe it really is all about just learning how to love...it seems that every road I venture down in this pursuit, every strand I follow in my quest to find my passion, keeps leading me back to the same thing...love, learning how to love authentically...loving God, hubby, others, myself. Maybe that's really my one and only passion/purpose right now. It's certainly all I seem to have any direction, motivation, energy or desire for these days.

It seems too simple. But you say to start small and work from there. So if that's where I keep finding myself to be standing after all the praying and searching, perhaps that's because it's where I'm meant to be right now.

Jawjaw, Thanks for that list of books. I printed them off and tucked it into my purse. I'm currently reading "The Highly Sensitive Person", by Elaine Aron, which is both exhausting and exciting. Having forever been a misfit and never being able to understand why, this book is an amazing explanation and affirmation of ME. It's so me, it's scary to think that there might actually be others just like me out there. But it's true. And it might be one of those keys I've been looking for to open my own front door and let myself back out into civilization.

(And once I can do that, I can go to the library and get some of these books...)

Eagle, try hunkering down in prayer and seeking God's guidance. Maybe journal about finding your passion. Make lists of what you enjoy. You might be surprised at what you discover. The Lord has a plan. Keep bothering Him until he reveals it. I'll be praying for you.

Also, you aren't the only one is this boat. I know women who are having similar thoughts. So many boomers are at midlife trying to figure out what's next. Some heve been stay at home moms and their lack of technological skills is keeping them from re-entering the work field. Some have climbed the corporate ladder and want to get off. Others are retiring and looking for something passionate to do with their free time.

Try to think of this as your second adulthood and you get to do what you darn well please.

That's how it was with me, Dotsie. I had a great career as a technical writer, making a boatload of money and I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to follow my dream, and my dream was to write.

I'm forever grateful that I have a supportive and understanding husband who understood my dream and wanted to help me achieve it. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be a very unhappy person right now. But, Thank God, he knew what would make me happy and wanted it for me as much as I wanted it for me.

I don't know what I'd ever do without my dear hubby. I pray that I never have to find out.

I spent a lot of time and effort praying, discerning, researching what my passion/dream could be. After my medical disability ran out (for work-related stress, burnout and depression), I still wasn't able to return to work (network admin for 75 computers), so the government sent me on a wide assortment of career-change seminars and psych tests to try and help me to find out what I would be suited for, what my passion is. They ALL came back with writing at the top of the list.

I've always loved to write, excelled at essays in school, wrote for the local newspaper when I was a teenager and always wanted to write something - anything and everything - from newspaper columns, Hallmark cards and poetry to children's books and theology dissertations. But life (i.e., the relentless need to pay rent and buy groceries) never took me in that direction, so it was a largely-ignored passion.

But I took the results from those tests and all of the excellent counselling to heart and began to pursue that dream. I even wrote a book. It was so much fun writing that book. I was in heaven the entire time, even revising and editing it. And it's a good book, well-written (because so much feedback has told me so, so I choose to believe it) with a message I believe in and believe should be "out there", even though it's admittedly aimed at a narrow target audience. And it was exciting, exhilarating, incredibly fulfilling to have that dream finally come true, so much so that I was convinced that this really was my passion and the new direction that my life was supposed to be heading in. And my head was/is still full of new book ideas, new directions to take the writing. I already have three more books (totally dissimilar from the first one and each other) in various stages of progress.

But then came the marketing and promotion. So not my forte. In fact, with chronic fatigue, painful arthritis and severe social angst hampering me, it has been virtually impossible to follow through on the admin end of this book writing dream. I simply can't do it. In short, this dream has left me $8,000 in the hole, and with 25+ boxes of my precious book still sitting in my basement, a daily reminder of what a failure that particular pursuit of a lifelong dream was.

I too have a very supportive husband who loves me more than I probably deserve; the last thing he deserves is for me to continue pursuing dreams that continue to drain our life-savings and in the end don't amount to much more than yet another failed attempt to "find myself".

I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to keep my head above these swirling waters. I'm constantly "rewiring my attic" and rewriting new tapes in my head that tell me good and wonderful things about myself. But the truth is that I'm drowning in inability, floundering in failure and don't have the energy to start over again without some sort of hope of success.

I don't mean to be negative, especially here. I don't want to drag anyone down, anymore than I want to continue feeling like a useless failure at the one thing that should have worked for me. But that's my reality. I haven't given up, I won't give up, I'm still searching, still questing, still praying, still hoping, still trusting that something somewhere will click and "aha" me into my new direction. Until then, it's a swirling maelstrom of unknowing.

Back to the question about using the word "crisis," I think the author of Breaking Point is trying to connect the midlife woman's experience to the classic "midlife crisis" that men go through, to make the point that women also often go through a profound transition at this stage of life. Previously, the belief was that only men have a midlife crisis (which usually consists of taking up with a younger woman and/or buying a sportscar). But I agree that with women, it's not necessarily a "crisis"--it's often a long process that stretches over several years.

It almost seems that whether or not it's accurate to use the word "crisis" would depend on the degree to which the woman's life is changed by this transition process. Some women breeze through it, discovering new and creative facets of themselves and come out the other side relatively intact. I suppose that "crisis" would be too strong of a word in those instances.

Others flounder and barely scrape through it alive, much less intact, and wouldn't hesitate to define it as a crisis, in terms of it being painful, unpleasant and even dangerous. In which case "transition", (while admittedly being exactly what it ends up being), would be too weak a word to use to describe the process.

I have no problem with it being called a crisis, since the word itself covers a wide range (and varying intensities) of experiences; each woman's sense of crisis (and interpretation of the word) would be unique and subjective, depending on each woman's personal history (and memory of intensity and impact) of previous experiences of crisis and/or transition.

Eagle Heart what is your book about? Why not continue to market it? Go to a local bookstore and request some space to have a signing or put copies on a card table at a local swapmeet. Never say never and never stop trying to get the book out there. No one is going to magically do this for you my dear, you have to take the bull by the horns and get out there and do this....

Thanks Chatty Lady and Smile, I'm a little embarrassed by my pity-party-mini-crisis-rant. My intention was not to hijack this thread by going off on a tangent like that and I apologize for doing so, even though it does kind of fit in the broader realm of "woman in mid-life crisis".

As for continuing to put the book out there, I've lost the wind in my sails, and it shows, but I'm sure it's just temporary. I just can't push myself beyond my physical limitations right now, and that's frustrating.

Smile, I will hang in there. It's comforting to have company out here in this desert. (Did you know that with a little rain, even the most isolated barren-looking cacti will bloom the loveliest flowers...there's always hope.)

Eagle, you shouldn't be embarrassed. I think that's what this is all about. Learning from each other's experiences, both good and bad.
That cactus thing reminded me. I have a cactus in my window that I almost never watered because someone said I wasn't supposed to. It just survived. But recently my husband began watering it and this very morning he showed me that it is flowering. Maybe I am too. And so are you.
Publishing is not the only way to flower. In fact for me, a production is a million times the joy of publishing. Every hand claps for me, every tear warms my spirit, every smile lights my heart, and everyone one who hums along sings my song. Maybe now that I don't have to worry over every penny, I should go for the joy. You too.
smile

Eagle, Please don't be embarrassed. Life goes in stages. More than likely, all of us have been in a similar situation at one time or another.

I remember being in your shoes a few years ago. While raising the kids the majority of my work was volunteer. When Mom was diagnosed with cancer I quit all but one volunteer project to help care for her during her remaining 7 months on earth.

When Mom died I was one lost soul. In additon to Mom being gone, so were all my volunteer activities. The kids hardly needed me. They had become much more self sufficient through the years. Ross went to work. And I was doing the mundane around the house to keep the family flowing without a hitch. I felt I had no purpose.

That's when I hunkered with God. I did some real soul searching and He led me on this BWS path. The whole idea came from Him. All I did was listen. And that's what I continue to do. God only knows what lies ahead, but now I have a purpose other than caring for my family. I'm so grateful.

He took my fears, loneliness, worries, and concerns about the future and substituted them with hope, ambition, creativity, and a multitude/entire community of lovely women.

Only by the grace of God!

I just want to throw soemthing in here to make it more interesting. Why do we measure success with dollars?

I'm guilty. I have said to my husband (God love him)"If I could only start making money on this site". And his reply has been, "Maybe it's not about making money. Maybe it's simply about helping others".

Sorry, I want to make money. And maybe it's not to prove success, but to help put these kids through school.

Do you measure success with a dollar amount?

Lynn, Thanks (again) for your empathetic ear.

Dotsie, thanks to you too, for sharing your own experience. My sense of lostness does seem to stem from losing my Mom. A lot of unearthed issues still need untangling, and I just have to be more patient with myself while working through it.

I'm quite tempted to "hunker down with God", to just lock myself in my prayer closet and not come out until I have the answer(s). I just might do that next week when hubby goes to work full-time for a few weeks.

Measuring success with a dollar amount...as hard as I try to use other yardsticks to measure my success, the sad reality is that it still comes down to seeing the money as the proof...I see my book as a failure because it's not selling; hubby and friends see it as a great achievement simply because it got written at all.

Knowing how this wonderful site came about (through hunkering down and being open and receptive to God's idea), your husband's reply that maybe it's not about making money, but simply about helping others sounds like He's trying to remind you that He has His own reason and purpose for this site...

My Mom did extensive volunteer work ALL HER LIFE. And yet for most of that incredibly generous life she felt she wasn't good enough because she never got a paycheck to prove that she was valuable...but I bet many of the lonely lives she touched with her generosity and kindness wouldn't trade a moment of her presence for all the money in the world.

[ April 20, 2005, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Wow! This has been a profound and moving thread. Eagle, please don't be embarrassed. That is why we are here; that is why you were led here, so that we can help and support each other. The list of books JJ sent was very generous. I would add "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron (anything else by her is great! She also thought she'd be a nun) and "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I resisted reading TPDL because it was getting so much press. However, TPDL helped me understand the concept of acceptance. What do I have to accept in my life? You see, I always wanted applause to attest that I was acceptable, therefore I thought I should have been an actress. At the same time, when I was 14, I read "The Muckrakers" which was about social workers and journalists amending child labor laws in the early 1900's, and that cause resonated with me. I wanted to do something to contribute to society. As much as the ego needed me to be an actress, the SOUL led me to writing my book and becoming a social worker in my 40's. I should say God led my soul....Anyway, in TPDL, I realized this is what I have to accept: I was given the task of helping to confront violence against women and children. This is my purpose, and I am okay with the fact that I never was and never will be an actress. I don't need applause to be acceptable, I only have to be acceptable to God. Sure, it would be easier to write mystery or romance, anything less controversial that abuse, but NOTHING in my life has been easy! I have to accept that too. My entire family measured success via the almighty dollar. They ask me all the time if I got paid: for a speaking engagement, for a watercolor painting, for doing reviews for Unity. No, no, no, I don't get paid, and that's another story for another thread. I have asked them why they are so concerned as to whether or not I make money. My husband is not concerned; we are happier since I've left the jobs that left me exhausted. Eagle, it is that simple (see next post) Love and Light, Lynn

Hi all, I want to share something I don't often talk about. My book opens with my suicide attempt at the age of 25. I was told I was "a goner" for at least 2 minutes. I did not write about a near death experience because it is a profound personal experience that I had no words for at the time I was writing the book. And I explained EVERYTHING in my book, so to be at a loss for words says a lot about how difficult it is to talk about NDE. Eagle, and everyone else, I would like to share that when we transition, all there is is LOVE and LIGHT. That's all that matters. It's as simple as that. All of our hurts, resentments, pain, disappointments, etc. fade suddenly. All we are left with is love and light. If you've read my book, you know that my father sexually and otherwise abused me, and he committed suicide. Why would I want to "see" him again in his afterlife? I tell you, all that was left between us in those few minutes that I entered his world was LOVE. You may not want to hear this, but even those who have wronged you may become clear to you in the afterlife in their SOUL form, and it is all LOVE and LIGHT. (At least, that was my experience) If all we do in our lives is love ourselves and one another, then we have found our purpose in life. So why would I want to return to human form after glimpsing the afterlife? I did not want to, God wanted me to, and that is another matter for acceptance. It is enough if all we do is love, love, love. and light, Lynn

Eagle, please share with us about your book. You can start a thread in "Women Writers." There is a reason you were guided to write it, and the reason can't be to hide in the garage. Since you must honor your physical limitations, and we understand that, then start here, now, with us. I'm sure many of us will be interested, you writer you! Love and Light, Lynn

Eagle, I have visited your web site several times, so I know about the book, I just thought others might want to know too. I've wondered if that was you in the picture? LLL

Lynn, you already know how bright a light you have been shining into my life...just know that my heart is wearing sunglasses right now

I'll share about the book in "Women Writers" starting tomorrow. It's late and I have to get my beauty sleep...lol (yes that's my picture on the website, with lots of professional makeup and an excellent photographer...he's the same guy who designed my book cover...I guess you could say he designed me too for the occasion!)

Anyway, what I wanted to share here is that hubby and I have been talking throughout the day about this whole purpose thing. Tonight he shut off the tv and turned to me and said, "But what if your purpose right now is just to love me?" (you'd have to know my kind, loving, generous hubby to get the deep love and care underlying those words). Then he added, "we have a wonderful life together. I love spending this time with you. You've worked hard all your life, what if it's your turn now? What if it's time for you to enjoy yourself, to just enjoy me and our life together?"

And I realized that much of my turmoil comes more from guilt than anywhere else. After working my butt off most of my life, since my teens, it feels strange to not be working. And I feel guilty for not even being able to do volunteer work. But deep down in my SOUL, I'm really glad I don't have to work anymore. I DO love my life now, living at my own pace, the freedom to travel, the time we spend together. Most of the time it's enough. And when it's not, well, I can always write, even it doesn't go beyond my own computer. Maybe I need to embrace these physical limitations and let them teach me how to enjoy my abundant life abundantly.

That's what I'm going to sleep on tonight.

Lynn, your NDE is so what God seems to have been trying to tell me for months, but I keep thinking it's too simple, He must want more. But all roads, even the writing road, keep leading me back to this whole love thing...learning how to love, giving back to a husband who has taught me more about unconditional love than anyone else in my life, enjoying this life we've built for ourselves...maybe the answer has been right in front of my eyes this whole time.

Eagle, yeah girl. Keep talking with your husband. What a blessing!

We also seem to measure success by activity. The busier we are, the more productive we must be.

Remember these words, "Be still and know that I am God".

We are so wrapped up in the rat race, we often forget the human race which needs to be lived at a slower pace.

The older I get, the more I realize the growth to be gained by being still.

Lynn, my NDE was different from yours and most other accounts I've heard. I saw my body on the operating table. I saw a bright turquoise light.

And I knew it wasn't my time to go yet, and I told God that I still had work to do.

And here I am.