Thanks Chatty Lady and Smile, I'm a little embarrassed by my pity-party-mini-crisis-rant. My intention was not to hijack this thread by going off on a tangent like that and I apologize for doing so, even though it does kind of fit in the broader realm of "woman in mid-life crisis".

As for continuing to put the book out there, I've lost the wind in my sails, and it shows, but I'm sure it's just temporary. I just can't push myself beyond my physical limitations right now, and that's frustrating.

Smile, I will hang in there. It's comforting to have company out here in this desert. (Did you know that with a little rain, even the most isolated barren-looking cacti will bloom the loveliest flowers...there's always hope.)

Eagle, you shouldn't be embarrassed. I think that's what this is all about. Learning from each other's experiences, both good and bad.
That cactus thing reminded me. I have a cactus in my window that I almost never watered because someone said I wasn't supposed to. It just survived. But recently my husband began watering it and this very morning he showed me that it is flowering. Maybe I am too. And so are you.
Publishing is not the only way to flower. In fact for me, a production is a million times the joy of publishing. Every hand claps for me, every tear warms my spirit, every smile lights my heart, and everyone one who hums along sings my song. Maybe now that I don't have to worry over every penny, I should go for the joy. You too.
smile

Eagle, Please don't be embarrassed. Life goes in stages. More than likely, all of us have been in a similar situation at one time or another.

I remember being in your shoes a few years ago. While raising the kids the majority of my work was volunteer. When Mom was diagnosed with cancer I quit all but one volunteer project to help care for her during her remaining 7 months on earth.

When Mom died I was one lost soul. In additon to Mom being gone, so were all my volunteer activities. The kids hardly needed me. They had become much more self sufficient through the years. Ross went to work. And I was doing the mundane around the house to keep the family flowing without a hitch. I felt I had no purpose.

That's when I hunkered with God. I did some real soul searching and He led me on this BWS path. The whole idea came from Him. All I did was listen. And that's what I continue to do. God only knows what lies ahead, but now I have a purpose other than caring for my family. I'm so grateful.

He took my fears, loneliness, worries, and concerns about the future and substituted them with hope, ambition, creativity, and a multitude/entire community of lovely women.

Only by the grace of God!

I just want to throw soemthing in here to make it more interesting. Why do we measure success with dollars?

I'm guilty. I have said to my husband (God love him)"If I could only start making money on this site". And his reply has been, "Maybe it's not about making money. Maybe it's simply about helping others".

Sorry, I want to make money. And maybe it's not to prove success, but to help put these kids through school.

Do you measure success with a dollar amount?

Lynn, Thanks (again) for your empathetic ear.

Dotsie, thanks to you too, for sharing your own experience. My sense of lostness does seem to stem from losing my Mom. A lot of unearthed issues still need untangling, and I just have to be more patient with myself while working through it.

I'm quite tempted to "hunker down with God", to just lock myself in my prayer closet and not come out until I have the answer(s). I just might do that next week when hubby goes to work full-time for a few weeks.

Measuring success with a dollar amount...as hard as I try to use other yardsticks to measure my success, the sad reality is that it still comes down to seeing the money as the proof...I see my book as a failure because it's not selling; hubby and friends see it as a great achievement simply because it got written at all.

Knowing how this wonderful site came about (through hunkering down and being open and receptive to God's idea), your husband's reply that maybe it's not about making money, but simply about helping others sounds like He's trying to remind you that He has His own reason and purpose for this site...

My Mom did extensive volunteer work ALL HER LIFE. And yet for most of that incredibly generous life she felt she wasn't good enough because she never got a paycheck to prove that she was valuable...but I bet many of the lonely lives she touched with her generosity and kindness wouldn't trade a moment of her presence for all the money in the world.

[ April 20, 2005, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Wow! This has been a profound and moving thread. Eagle, please don't be embarrassed. That is why we are here; that is why you were led here, so that we can help and support each other. The list of books JJ sent was very generous. I would add "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron (anything else by her is great! She also thought she'd be a nun) and "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I resisted reading TPDL because it was getting so much press. However, TPDL helped me understand the concept of acceptance. What do I have to accept in my life? You see, I always wanted applause to attest that I was acceptable, therefore I thought I should have been an actress. At the same time, when I was 14, I read "The Muckrakers" which was about social workers and journalists amending child labor laws in the early 1900's, and that cause resonated with me. I wanted to do something to contribute to society. As much as the ego needed me to be an actress, the SOUL led me to writing my book and becoming a social worker in my 40's. I should say God led my soul....Anyway, in TPDL, I realized this is what I have to accept: I was given the task of helping to confront violence against women and children. This is my purpose, and I am okay with the fact that I never was and never will be an actress. I don't need applause to be acceptable, I only have to be acceptable to God. Sure, it would be easier to write mystery or romance, anything less controversial that abuse, but NOTHING in my life has been easy! I have to accept that too. My entire family measured success via the almighty dollar. They ask me all the time if I got paid: for a speaking engagement, for a watercolor painting, for doing reviews for Unity. No, no, no, I don't get paid, and that's another story for another thread. I have asked them why they are so concerned as to whether or not I make money. My husband is not concerned; we are happier since I've left the jobs that left me exhausted. Eagle, it is that simple (see next post) Love and Light, Lynn

Hi all, I want to share something I don't often talk about. My book opens with my suicide attempt at the age of 25. I was told I was "a goner" for at least 2 minutes. I did not write about a near death experience because it is a profound personal experience that I had no words for at the time I was writing the book. And I explained EVERYTHING in my book, so to be at a loss for words says a lot about how difficult it is to talk about NDE. Eagle, and everyone else, I would like to share that when we transition, all there is is LOVE and LIGHT. That's all that matters. It's as simple as that. All of our hurts, resentments, pain, disappointments, etc. fade suddenly. All we are left with is love and light. If you've read my book, you know that my father sexually and otherwise abused me, and he committed suicide. Why would I want to "see" him again in his afterlife? I tell you, all that was left between us in those few minutes that I entered his world was LOVE. You may not want to hear this, but even those who have wronged you may become clear to you in the afterlife in their SOUL form, and it is all LOVE and LIGHT. (At least, that was my experience) If all we do in our lives is love ourselves and one another, then we have found our purpose in life. So why would I want to return to human form after glimpsing the afterlife? I did not want to, God wanted me to, and that is another matter for acceptance. It is enough if all we do is love, love, love. and light, Lynn

Eagle, please share with us about your book. You can start a thread in "Women Writers." There is a reason you were guided to write it, and the reason can't be to hide in the garage. Since you must honor your physical limitations, and we understand that, then start here, now, with us. I'm sure many of us will be interested, you writer you! Love and Light, Lynn

Eagle, I have visited your web site several times, so I know about the book, I just thought others might want to know too. I've wondered if that was you in the picture? LLL

Lynn, you already know how bright a light you have been shining into my life...just know that my heart is wearing sunglasses right now

I'll share about the book in "Women Writers" starting tomorrow. It's late and I have to get my beauty sleep...lol (yes that's my picture on the website, with lots of professional makeup and an excellent photographer...he's the same guy who designed my book cover...I guess you could say he designed me too for the occasion!)

Anyway, what I wanted to share here is that hubby and I have been talking throughout the day about this whole purpose thing. Tonight he shut off the tv and turned to me and said, "But what if your purpose right now is just to love me?" (you'd have to know my kind, loving, generous hubby to get the deep love and care underlying those words). Then he added, "we have a wonderful life together. I love spending this time with you. You've worked hard all your life, what if it's your turn now? What if it's time for you to enjoy yourself, to just enjoy me and our life together?"

And I realized that much of my turmoil comes more from guilt than anywhere else. After working my butt off most of my life, since my teens, it feels strange to not be working. And I feel guilty for not even being able to do volunteer work. But deep down in my SOUL, I'm really glad I don't have to work anymore. I DO love my life now, living at my own pace, the freedom to travel, the time we spend together. Most of the time it's enough. And when it's not, well, I can always write, even it doesn't go beyond my own computer. Maybe I need to embrace these physical limitations and let them teach me how to enjoy my abundant life abundantly.

That's what I'm going to sleep on tonight.

Lynn, your NDE is so what God seems to have been trying to tell me for months, but I keep thinking it's too simple, He must want more. But all roads, even the writing road, keep leading me back to this whole love thing...learning how to love, giving back to a husband who has taught me more about unconditional love than anyone else in my life, enjoying this life we've built for ourselves...maybe the answer has been right in front of my eyes this whole time.