Does anyone here deal with reclusiveness? Lately is the first time in my life that I have been a full time emty nest homemaker and I think I may be becoming reclusive.
Of course being in pain and in this cast may be the problem, but I find myself enjoying just being alone with my husband more and more. I don't entertain or go out as much.
When I am with others I find myself feeling out numbered and I censor my conversation. I just want to get home. Maybe it is being in this cast and in pain, Either way, I am becoming less and less social and more and more reclusive.
Is that normal?
smile

It's "normal" if it feels right.

When I was 25, it was normal for me to go out dancing 4 times a week till 3am. It would be highly abnormal for me to do that at 54. Even one night a month. Even until 1am, with a lot of sitting breaks in-between.

My point is that our parameters for "normal" change during our lives, not just for age but also for specific circumstances.

You already knew this answer, but you want someone else to validate what you know you know, so here it is, and you can say that Ms. Brilliant told you so:

You're in a lot of physical pain. You have a long way to go in the healing process. Your body knows this. Your brain knows this, both intellectually and emotionally. Your ex-nurse self knows this.

All of the above components of you know that for this to happen, you need to REST. The part of you that thinks you should be out doing things may not want to rest, but every other facet in this equation knows you should.

Think of it as a survival instinct. Your body/intellect/emotions synchronize for your survival. If you need to physically rest, then your emotions also say REST.

But you already knew this. And wanting to survive and thrive is one of the most normal things we do.

Meredith,
Love ya' girl. You are one smart cookie. And eloquent too. Just what I needed to hear.
Knowing those things and believing them for yourself are two different things. I guess I needed reinforcement.

Maybe it's just that entertaining and going out are just more trouble than they are worth at this point.

Guess I'll just enjoy whatever I have to deal with for a while longer. Over soon I hope.
smile

Smile, I think it's beautiful that you are feeling this way. It confirms the fact that you are capable of being content with whatever the Lord throws your way.

Enjoy the reclusiveness for now because I have a feeling that when the pain and cast are no longer around you'll be out socializing again. And if not...then so be it. Rejoice and be glad you have Mr. Wonderful to chill with.

I'm really glad you brought this up because just this morning, I was talking to myself and questioning if maybe I'm becoming too reclusive. If I do go out, I want to go back home. I was supposed to go out last night and canceled at the last minute. I had "cuted" myself all up and went back into the bathroom and "uncuted" myself and read a book. It kind of worries me a bit.

Dots,
Thank you for reminding me that he still is Mr. Wonderful.
It's not even been two years yet and we've already been through a lot. We've dealt with death, aging parents, kids, moving, remodeling, illness, surgery, and now what seems like never ending recovery.
I had no idea how debilitating this surgery would be. I would never have survived without him. He took off work to take care of me like a baby for a week after surgery then came home and fixed dinner every day until a couple of weeks ago when the swelling finally stopped and I got a walking cast.
He made chili for Christmas dinner and wrapped all the presents. He got the white lights on the tree and when he couldn't figure out the decorations, he just added a lot of colored lights. He called me from work several times a day and came home exhausted to fix dinner when I couldn't.
He bought the weirdest stuff when he was grocery shopping, but he got it done. And when I absolutely had to get out of the house he loaded me and the wheelchair into the car and we laughed like idiots as he wheeled me through the gift shops. He drug the wheelchair, coffee, cookies, and me to the poetry reading. He applauded and told me I was wonderful.
We've laughed and cried, agreed and argued. And through it all, we've had fun and made love.
Thanks for helping me remember to count Mr. Wonderful among my blessings.
smile

Oh boy, I'm the Queen of reclusiveness!!

I only go out when I absolutely have to. I'll go to the grocery store when we need it and I go out to get my hair cut every 5 weeks.

If I need to go shopping and I can buy it online, you bet I do.

Just last week I found a place online that sells my dog's favorite biscuits for less then what it would cost me to go out and get it. (Not including the anxiety of just going out.)

Yes, I have an anxiety disorder that keeps me in my house. But, it's so nice and comfortable here. I don't have to put up with people and their antics, I can write whenever I feel like it, and my dog loves me to stay home with him. Every afternoon my favorite person and best friend comes home and we get to spend the rest of the day together.

Smile, you and your husband have such a wonderful relationship. It makes me all tingly inside just reading about it.

I tend to be reclusive in the winter months. I get depressed and it takes a crowbar to get me out of the house!! Hate my job, don't want to go, but can't give up the pay yet.

Hi, I agree that normal is what you feel comfortable with. However, if you are questioning what is normal, and it doesn't feel right, or there is a sudden change in patterns, then maybe it's not so normal. There seems to be a common thread of reclusiveness here. I like being reclusive as AHA: artist, homemaker, author. However, there is a phrase of Dr. Phil's that I like: "require more of yourself." So I try to require more of myself. Dianne, what made you change your mind after you were all dressed up? I used to have what is now called "social anxiety disorder" in combination with panic attacks. A trip to the grocery store for 5 items sent me into full-blown panic. Sometimes I'd get myself as far as the store, get out of the car, get back in, get back out, back in, only to go home without shopping. Now, that is not normal. Fortunately, therapy and meds helped me. I'd still rather have the groceries delivered! Smile, I can't believe all that you do while recovering; you sure challenge yourself, what with the poetry reading and all. I would think that an author would have a lot of reclusive time; I know I need a lot of space. But if I want to sell books, I have to step out of my need for space. Today I forced myself to talk to Borders and BN in preparation for presentations during April, which is Child Abuse Prevention month. I don't get too many social invitations, which is okay with me. So, count me in on reclusive. At least there's the web to keep in touch! Love and Light, Lynn

Sherri, mind if I ask what is the job that you hate? That's awful, to have to have a job you hate. I've been there, done that too. We could use a second income, but my mood is so much better than when I was working at a job that we're willing to forego the funds to keep peace in our marriage. I was a b**** to live with when I had low pay high stress jobs that sucked the life out of me. I hope you don't have to hate the job for too long. LLL

Lynn,

I have a very good high paying job that is mind numbing and stressful. Unfortunately, we have gotten used to the life style and it will be hard not having that extra income. I am a customer service rep for the power company. I left work on Friday saying "I hate people,I hate people!" and in tears.

Offered an early buy out, 193 asked for it, 16 didn't get offered it, I am about 6th on the list that didn't get the early buy out. I am 55 and can retire and draw a small pension from them. The trick is to get enough money coming in from a part time job, my writing career or something to help us get by. I have just finished paying $12,000 in credit card debt and am now working on one car payment. I want to leave in May, but not sure if it will be an option or not. Sorry for the long response.

Oh Sherri, don't be sorry for the "long response." I sooo understand your feelings re: the job and people. Dealing with people all day is stressful to the MAX! I am so sorry for your tears. I bet you were disappointed when you didn't make the buy out list. Paying off $12,000 in credit card debt is an enormous task. Congratulations on not carrying that into retirement. Love and Light, Lynn

Last night I picked up an issue of Prevention Magazine and there on the cover it said:

THE # NUMBER ONE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR HEALTH....Surprise---its not Diet or Exercise!

RECONNECT was the answer and the article that followed was amazing as I too have become a recluse. I'll try and give you the heart of the article. Studies show that the fewer connections we have at home, at work, and in the community, the more likely we are to get sick, flood our brains with anxiety causing chemicals and die prematurely. Connectedness is as much a protective factor - probably more - than lowering your blood pressure, losing weight quitting smoking, or wearing your seat belt. Says pyschiatrist Edward M. Hallowell, MD, instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical school and author of:

CONNECT: 12 Vital Ties That Open Your Heart, Lengthen Your Life, & Deepen Your Soul.

(Pantheon, 1999)It's the unacknowledged key to emotional and psychical health, and thats a proven medical fact. This article was lenghtly and so what we are discussing in this post. I am ordering this book and strongly advise many of you do the same....

Sherri,
I hate to see your unhappiness with your job. I wish there was some way to help. It sounds like you feel trapped. That must be awful for the free spirited artist that you are.
I will pray that you can somehow rise above the imprisonment of your job and be free in your spirit until you can be freed from the imprisonment of your job.
smile

Chatty,
That must be a very interesting article. I have written on here before about how I would like to write a book about loneliness. I think it is at foundation of so many of the physical, emotional and cultural ills of the world today.
I fight my general tendency to become reclusive because I know it ultimately leads to loneliness. I have seen the results of loneliness in nursing homes and in hospitals and it is very destructive and extremely painful. I have always been drawn to lonely people. In the hospital, it was one of the few types of pain I could relieve with a just kind word and a smile.
As a child, our closest neighbors were at least a mile away, but I can never recall anyone who I would say was lonely. Today when people are physically closer than ever before, there seems to be an increasing epidemic of loneliness.
I wonder why. I wonder if it is because as people overpopulate the earth, we become more competitive for the dwindling space and are increasingly guarded in our relationships thus more reclusive and lonelier.
Just a theory. I hope I can find the article you are speaking of. I read a similar one in the Feb. issue of Oprah's 'O' magazine so maybe attention is now moring toward reclusiveness and loneliness.
smile

[ February 23, 2005, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Alan Jackson has a song out that says what I feel. My heart feels as lonely as a Monday morning Church.

Well honey, that's just so sad. I had a job I detested many years ago so I know how you feel. It was awful.

Lynn...what changed my mind about going out? I'm not sure. I think I was looking for a reason. My daughter forced me to go out yesterday. We went shopping for bras. I had fun but was more than ready to come home.

I think I have low grade depression and I'm showing some signs of mild PTSD. Something really traumatic happened to me last January and I'm still trying to deal with it. Have made an appt. with a counselor but canceled it. Not quite ready yet.

Sherri, like me, you only deal with problems and it can get you down. My happiness comes when I've helped a woman escape possible death. You don't even have that to look forward to.

Sherri,
When I have to do things I hate, sometimes it helps to identify exactly what is most difficult, fearful, repulsive, etc. then try to "re-frame" it. Maybe we could help with that if we knew specifically what part of your job is most difficult for you.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sherri:
Alan Jackson has a song out that says what I feel. My heart feels as lonely as a Monday morning Church.

---

As I read Alan Jackson's lines, I "re-framed" it. I reminded myself that "A" church is just a building and on Monday morning it is empty and lonely. But "The" Church is in the hearts of man and if God is there it is never empty and never lonely.
You may have already tried that, but maybe it would help.
smile

Dianne, I'm sorry you experienced something traumatic. I was concerned when you said your colitis was flaring up, which, as you know, can be related to stress. Yes, you do help women every day. Try to make yourself go to the counselor. Even if you are not ready what do you have to lose by just keeping the appointment with the counselor? You have nothing to lose, except the hold this event is having over you. I know you need to be patient with yourself, but if you are suffering from PTSD, then you also know you have got to go. Please try. Love and Light, Lynn

It's strange because just this morning, I had a huge moment that clarified a lot of things. I hadn't been able to figure out what I was feeling but I found myself turning into a raving, ranting B**** and I'm not like that. All of this anger has built up for over a year while I've denied it. My body won't let me do that anymore. Colitis is a big warning sign.

I was also thinking today to give the counselor a call and go see her. What could it hurt?

I appreciate your reaching out in this way.

Dianne, your thinking is guiding you. Go for it. Make the call! And don't cancel. Do you want a buddy that you can be accountable to for going to the appointment? LLL

I agree that colitis is a warning sign. It was amazing how mine went away when I got rid of 145 pounds of excess baggage! And here I had been blaming the oils in the non-dairy coffee milk. Every *body* is different. Migraines, ulcers, colitis, hair loss....mental and emotional anguish will manifest differently in different bodies. JMHO

Okay, Lynn. I'll be accountable to you. Let's do it by email, okay? And, I don't have your email addy anymore. Lost it when this beast crashed. I emailed the counselor and am waiting for her to get back to me. She works in a clinic and is super busy. She likes me tho. We've met on a personal basis so she'll get me in.

Unique, loved your response. My sister got rid of her ailments too when she divorced him. Isn't it strange how the body won't let you deny?

Hi Dianne, okay, I'm your buddy! Just click on the PM symbol and give me your email address, okay? You read about my colitis in BTT. I took Lomatil too in the colitis cocktails. But, like Unique said, one of the "cures" for colitis was getting rid of that man who married me. No, the body will not let us deny the inevitable. Love and Light, Lynn

I'm misty-eyed. Everyone one of you are such beautiful creations. I feel blessed reading your care and concern for one another. God is so good.

Chatty, you mention the words connect/connections from the Prevention magazine. Amen! See how it's working in here?

I love all of you! Thanks for making our haven heavenly by caring for each other.

Dotsie, thank you for making us possible! LLL

Dotsie, you have given us a place to be safe from loneliness during the short times when we must become reclusive. That's a wonderful blessing.
smile

I was reading this post and found it interesting. I too, am allot like some of you ladies. Since I have become older and no longer work outside the home, I have become somewhat reclusive. Like Vickie, if I can buy it on line instead of going to the store for it, I will! And now--I have all you wonderful friends to chat with from time to time and I don't even have to get all spiffed up to leave my house to to visit ya all. Gotta love the computer age! I might go days, especially in the winter months, without going out or talking or seeing anyone other than my husband. But oddly, I'm ok with that. I like being in the quiet of my home. It's comfortable and peaceful. Instead of going out in the evening, I like putting my jammies on after supper and snuggling up in the chair with a good book, a cup of hot tea or glass of wine, and my sweet kitty curled up in my lap. People ask me if I get bored or depressed being stuck at home day and night all the time. Well yes, I do sometimes, but I think we all have those days whether we are alone with ourselves or with others. When I do feel like that, then I try to busy myself more, or go out for a drive with the radio on.

Maybe you don't go out much, but you must get lots of company with all your delicious baking.

I too am at the point in my life where I really enjoy the ability to be in solitude. I still work fulltime in a small company with my boss and my coworker so there is a sense of solitude there as well.

I appreciate the reclusiveness period of this time in my life. I used to love shopping on weekends and now I too would much rather order online.

There are times when I feel like I want to see others and then I'll take the bus - That is a community as well. I know many of the drivers as I have been riding the bus with my son for more than 10 years. I met the man in my life on the bus... he was my driver...

I so appreciate having this community to visit with and really enjoy being in my home reading all the postings and feeling like I am getting to know all of you.

Do you think that reclusiveness comes with the age? We all spent many years caring for others and are at the point where we are choosing to do for us.

Donna

I don't know if reclusiveness comes with age or not, but I know that I too have grown to prefer my solitude. I used to be very active at work, volunteer activities, church groups and some social events. Now I'm not involved in anything at all. I think there's a balance somewhere in the middle, but the reality right now is that I'm happy where I'm at so I feel no need to explore outside of myself for that balance!

Which is really nice to be able to say. Because when I first arrived on this site, I was intolerably lonely and dangerously reclusive. I was housebound by a combination of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, chronic fatigue and complete lack of social motivation. NOW, a year and a half later, I'm still in my house, still not getting out much, but now it's my choice, not made out of fear or despair, but out of enjoyment of my solitude and lifestyle. Now I CAN go out when I want to, and go anywhere I want to, and I do...but my preference is still to stay home and putter around doing housework, baking, and most of all, chatting here.

This place has made such an enormous difference in my life. It has helped me literally spread my wings and fly - only to find that the place I most want to be is right here in my own home where I've been all this time. Only now, I'm nesting and roosting instead of withering and cowering. I like that difference!

Can I ask others.....is there a "stage" when we all like a stay at home time. I love company and visiting places.Yet I have such contentment here.Like you Eagle Heart I browse but also do some writing which I previously has less time to do.
At work for a year I actually worked juggling three post within a college.So perhaps I am in a calm place since retiral.
Mountain Ash

I find that I get more and more comfortable being with my own thoughts as I get older. I welcome the silence of days spent writing after years of nursing and child rearing. I do get out and I enjoy that as well...I just don't require it like I used to. I've always enjoyed my own space and I'm just basking in it.

Interestingly, I used to have a difficult time visiting in someone's home for more than one night. Now that I have more space on a daily basis I am able to visit much easier.

In fact I've heard some of my hosts remarking about "fish...after 3 days" What does that mean?

Ah, Jane, when you hear that comment, you need to hop a plane to California and stay at my house for a few days. Bring JJ with you - we'll have fun!

Picked a book from my shelf this afternoon to read as I rest after a minor op.In in Dorothy Rowe talks about intraverts and extraverts.How underneath we may the opposite from what the world(and how have kidded ourselves) sees us. I find things like re reading a book reminds me of what I have read and also connects with a current thought.
So reclussivness may show what we are allowed to be when we are true boomers.Have we come of age....?
Mountain Ash

I could be a hermit. Big time. I love my solitude. I also love my friends and family and LOVE seeing them. But as much as it dismays my girlfriends who are social butterflys, I would rather watch a good movie, read a book, or sit under a tree than go clubing or join a crowd for some activity.

I like my own company. There's no pressure to be, no interruptions, no judgements, and I always win the arguments.

Anne, I like the way you give into it. It makes sense, especially if it's only for one week. You're a wise woman.

My moods change from week to week, heck sometimes from day to day. I think one must like themselves and be able to be happy alone if necessary.

I do enjoy my time at home, and DON'T enjoy crowds, but sometimes I also worry about becoming too reclusive. I saw both my parents and my grandmother reach the point where they never wanted to go anywhere unless it was a family thing and I see myself doing that now ONLY EVEN YOUNGER.

I don't want to become this reclusive this young (I"m in my early fifties). I worry about becoming too isolated later and about myself becoming too dependent on my kids for a social life.

I think I need to push myself a bit to call a girlfriend or two and go out to lunch or something on a regular basis. Maybe take a crafts class, do some kind of volunteer work, etc., yet I also find myself resistant to it, and I wonder, am I reclusive just because it's so easy and risk-free? And is that a good thing or a bad thing? Am I selling myself short?

If there are no health concerns to keep you tied to the home then by all means get out and meet people and do things. I enjoyed my solitude too much, but would go insane these days without human contact. I love my writers group and the mental challenges it offers me. I love to laugh with friends over tea or a game of cards. I enjoy church functions. There is a lot to do out there. I use to be reclusive to a fault because I worked at home on the phone. I edit now at home, but I get out to meet the authors and a motivational speaker friend of mine told me once awhile back. When you are feeling too lazy to get dressed or put on make-up, whatever and get out of the house, just imagine the people too sick to leave their beds let alone their homes and consider yourself lucky you can. Ever since then I make it a point to do one new thing each week, meet at least one new person. It works well for me and has put an end to my reclusiveness. I'll tell you how bad I got, I have a 2002 Hyundai I bought off the showroom floor in 2002 and it only has 5136 miles on it today, it still smells like a new car. Now thats just ridiculous.

Dejavu, like in most things, everything with "too much" ...is too much. Too much alone is not healthy and too much social life is not healthy. There is a happy medium. I've yet to find that medium myself. I chalk it up to the fact that I work too much, and when we have time off Hubby and I usually do things together. I know, though, as soon as I stop working, I'm going to do like Chatty does and join writing clubs, art clubs ...oh I think I'll be busier then, than now. I've also found it's not healthy to depend on your children for your social life. That can become a burden for them, and they tend to draw back.

I don't find my reclusivness TOO MUCH at all. I enjoy it, and I don't think it's unhealthy. It's my choice. Who is to say it is unhealthy for me? I see my friends when I want to, I see my children and grandchildren when I want to, and I come and go as I please. Why should I let society or anyone else's idea of "too much" dictate what I do? I totally disagree. It's a matter of choice and I've earned that choice.

JJ

Since moving, I haven't ventured out that much. I need to make some new girlfriends and get involved in something...anything! But then, I've had electricians and repair men here off and on that I have to either wait on to show up or wait while they do the work.

I'm with JJ. If I want to be alone, it's my right and at my age and after raising four kids and running a business, etc. I've earned it! I had a very "loud" business, a DQ, and the machines running all day along with the other noise, was enough to drive one nuts. I still have dreams where I'm forced to work there for the new owners and they aren't pleasant dreams.

I absolutely agree with you JJ! As a matter of fact,I was just thinking those very same thoughts last night as I pondered about the post saying it was unhealthy to be too reclusivness. I said to myself, that I felt perfectly normal & I didn't feel reclusive about being at home most of the time. I didn't feel strange, odd, or unhealthy at all. I do visit my family on occasion, but I am no social butterfly neither. It feels peaceful. I like my own company!

Okay... I left the forum to get dressed and do my hair and make-up before posting.

The best reason I can find for becoming reclusive...not leaving the house or answering the door...is that I don't have to wear a bra! I am getting to the point that I would rather take a beating than put on a bra. They pinch, they bite and they grab...oh, wait that's when I go out without one...ooops!

Seriously, I ususally get dressed and made-up everyday even if I'm staying at home. I like doing it just for me not because I have to.

And although there are times that I wish I still had a rambunctious family in the house there are times like yesterday when I got home after a speaking engagement and it was just me and the cat and the couch...heaven.

JJ, of course it's everyone's own choice. I was just directing my post to Dejavu, who is worried that she may become "too reclusive".
And I was just stating what is right for me.
I def. miss having a circle of close girlfriends, and sometimes feel blue because I don't have that. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy being alone. I have a stressful job, and need the peace and quiet to tank up in bewteen.
The difference between our lives is; you have a choice. You have the choice of being alone or visiting with friends. I don't have that choice. I'm not saying we don't have any friends, but it's not that "sister" closeness, which I sometimes miss.

I hate that you don't have a close girlfriend Hannelore. I think everybody needs that "special" friend they can complain to, cry out to, laugh with, and give/take advice. Bless your heart. What about the women you work with? No one a candidate?

rEMEMBER....you have lots of girlfriends here! JJ

JJ and others, definitely, the 'too much' in reclusiveness is something I feel about ME, not defining what is too much for anyone else.

I agree that the "too much" is a very subjective definition that will not only differ for each person, but will change from one day to the next, depending on circumstances and mind-space.

A year ago, I was definitely "too" reclusive. I knew it. I knew I was withering away in here and that I needed balance. It was hard work, and took guts and discipline (and lots of wisdom and support from everyone here), but I slowly got myself out the front door and back "out there" for walks and shopping.

Now, I stay indoors almost as much as I did a year ago, but now it's MY CHOICE - and it's no longer "too much". Reclusiveness has changed into solitude - but I also can recognize now when the solitude has changed back into reclusiveness withdrawal and becomes "too much" for me. I'm also recognizing that that fine line between "too much" and "just right" keeps changing as I keep growing (and/or regressing) in my ability to both enjoy getting back out there and to equally enjoy my solitude in healthy serenity. The balance will be different for each person.

JJ, you just expressed my own feelings; I hate that I don't have any close friend near where I live.
You may wonder why doesn't she have any close friends? Is it my three noses, and that I swing a whip around me while shopping…naaaw. I think I'm so normal that I may be abnormal. hmmm?
We used to have a wonderful circle of friends. That's when I sang in a gospel group. We also lived in a fantastic neighbourhood, where we weren't just neighbours, but really true friends. And then we moved.
I have no colleagues. We do have a few "couple" friendships. But it just seems everyone is so busy; including me. So, I know it's my fault as well.
I'm so very lucky and grateful that Hubby and I enjoy each others company and have the same hobbies; we are each other's best friend. But you can turn it and shake it and mix it whatever way you want…a Hubby is just not a girlfriend. I sometimes miss just a night out with a friend, seeing a "girlie" movie and getting giddy over a glass of wine afterwards. Well, it's too early for wine right now, but I definitely have found the next best thing in this forum. Salute'
PS. Wish we could meet for a cup of coffee, Dejavu!

Yes, I think maybe that is one thing I miss out on these days - a cup of coffee with a girlfriend! I have three sisters living nearby so I do have opportunities sometimes to do things with other women (although you're right, everyone is so busy!), but I need to find and nourish some friendships with some NON-family people. Too many of my friendships have died out when good friends move away or circumstances make us unable to keep in touch much. Since I work at home, I don't have the interaction with co-workers that others might have.

I met most of my friends when my children were young. Since we've moved, I haven't met all that many people here either but I do enjoy my alone time. I think that was part of the charm in moving for me. I'm finding this topic very interesting.
I wish we could all meet someplace for a cup of coffee together. Can't you just picture the look on the Starbuck's employee's faces after we all just happen to show up there at the same time!

This twist in the thread is tugging at my own heart. When we lived in Nova Scotia, I had such a lovely network of friends - some were work-related, some were choir-related, some were church community, some were neighbours. I could go anywhere in the twin cities and run into people I knew. But even with all of those wonderful people in my life, I never knew how to just call somebody up for a cup of tea, or to go shopping, or to go for lunch with. I still have one best friend from those days, the only person besides my brother, that I've ever been able to call like that. Now that we've moved a few thousand miles away, that's no longer possible. When I was working, I had work friends that I went out with occasionally. But then with my breakdown, I lost touch with all of them too. So now it's just hubby and me...and like Hannelore says, he just ain't no girlfriend, is he!

I miss having someone in my life that I can just call for lunch or tea or even just a nice long chat. The person I have the best chats with now are my 5-year-old granddaughter. She's precious and I love those chats, but let's face it, there are some rants that you just can't have with a 5-year-old!

Anyway, I hear you Hannelore. I sure wish there was a way we could get together for lunch...

That's one thing I'd love to do - get together with a girlfriend for lunch.

Here's a question - for those of us who are either full-time homemakers, or work from home (or both!) - do you ever feel out-of-step with other women? I know so few who do not have full-time out-of-the-home jobs (other than online). The only women I know who are at home full-time (as opposed to being in a workplace) are either young mothers with babies or women who are past retirement age. I sometimes feel quite archaic, as though the full-time homemaker is a thing of the past.

That's right TVC15. They'd have to move those teeny tables together, push the sofas into a circle, and close those doors, cause there won't be any room for other customers.
I'll have a carrot cake with my coffee and maybe go wild and have two. And then we will all look at each other and just start to laugh, because it will be so wonderful to see the other chatting sisters live, in person, breathing and drinking coffee.
I just know we'd all connect just like in the forum…

They should have clubs, Dejavu for women who work home alone. Once a month meeting in some cafe' and just have a gabbing session. Wow, that's actually a good idea.

You could call it "In and Out" Clubs...you IN at home all the time, but OUT with the girls once a month. I like it! I agree, there should be more social girlfriend things for those who would like the contact and need it...and that would be everybody, me thinks! What a great idea...

Course then again, meeting here online IS a girlfriend social thing...but I DO understand what you are saying.

JJ

I agree with the idea of choice. I am single, my children are grown and married and so I am choice personafied BUT let me say this, I had become so comfortable staying home, someone else did the shopping, the banking, and all the little things I had to do for myself for so long and I took advantage of that but believe me it was becoming unhealthy. I nearly forgot how to use the drive up banking machine, how to use my bank card to pay for groceries, how to pump gas even. I felt uneasy being out, shaky!
Theres a good saying: "Use it, or lose it." One can enjoy solitude but there is a vast difference between that and becoming seriously reclusive....

I got talking with my sister today about this subject. She is very housebound because of health issues, but we both agreed that we're a lot more comfortable and happy staying home than we used to be.

And we both agreed we needed to get together for lunch more often, the way we did today. I think it gave us both a lift.

I know I'm reclusive due to circumstances -- yet have tried to come out of my "shell" by joining a church and attending a divorce care Bible study, only to have that which I thought was to be held in private broadcast outside of the "circle" and chastised. Yet, I do continue to attend church for myself. I also lease a horse and sometimes attend trail rides via trailer to a state park(if given enough notice as the stable owner is not entirely honest), and if no notice is given then I simply ride the trails near the stable and keep my $$$ in me pocket. Guess I don't work well w/ others, thus have not cultivated friendships at Church or the stable, yet I attend both for myself, not to impress upon others. However, I do entertain myself with hobbies and do not mind eating alone at restaurants. Unfortunately, I've discovered that other single women are threatened by this, I just don't understand that. Maybe b/c I'm alone and not in a group setting like themselves and I feel if they want to gossip, guess its best to do it in a group with others that gossip as well -- that way I'll know them when I see them and will keep my distance!

MustangGal, I too eat alone sometimes, most times actually when dining out, but I always carry a good book and that works out nicely for me. I do however enjoy the company of others especially when dining. I learned along time ago to stop fretting over the little stuff, things i can't really change and just ernjoy the tjhings I can. I know women suffering with diseases and they can't enjoy any part of living due to fear, medical procedures and constant pain. This helps me to appreciate the fact that I still have choices. I pray I will alwys have choices and health enough to enjoy them. I thank God daily and smile alot..

Chatty, I too usually take reading material to restaurants. This is a habit from my younger days overseas where I'd either read my mail or a book at the NCO club along w/ a beer and free food! Also, after 45 hours a week @ work, travel time, night school and chores, I rather like the time alone. You're right, I need to let the little things slide . . .

MustangGal,

I have always been ok eating alone. I'll take a book to read until the food comes and that's fine. I have never liked to go to the movies alone. I have friends who are just the opposite.

I'm glad you have your horse. What a great stress reliever. I was always lonely at Church by myself. I think I missed my girls. When they were little I was always so busy holding them and petting them to keep them quiet and that cuddling was part of the sacredness of it for me.

My husband and I are usually out on the weekends, and I found myself noticing something, over the past one...I began taking note of how many folks our age, (I'm 55, hubby is 60) I saw out and about. I set my mind to the task, to the point of taking quick peeks into vehicles at stoplights. Saturday we did a couple of malls, hitting the sales, had lunch and dinner out, took in a movie, didn't arrive home until after eleven p.m. What I found that made an impression on me, was there just weren't that many mature people amongst the crowds in the public places we visited.

This past weekend was not the first time I had noticed this phenomenon. It's something I've been made aware of on numerous occasions.

I'm beginning to wonder if becoming overly reclusive might not be something that we need consciously monitor, as we age. Becoming housebound, living somewhat detached from the world at large, I would think, could become detrimental to our well being. I'm fully aware that we do, we will, slow down, as we accumulate the years, and many of us will experience health and physical problems that will limit our excursions. I think it's exactly because of this fact, that I would urge mature folks to get out there, while the getting is good!

www.intouchwithjeannine.com

Jeannine,

In my opinion, I think it would take more than one weekend to make this assumption. There are so many variables involved. Economics, transportation, company, health issues, yada...yada...yada.

One thing to consider is that it was a holiday weekend and lots of people had cookouts, family gatherings, etc...and so this particular weekend might not have been the best one to make observances as people weren't possibly "out and about."

But on the other hand, I think you have a good point in that we need to be aware IF the signs are there we're becoming WITHDRAWN. To me, being reclusive is a matter of choice as I've stated previously, and shouldn't be made to sound like a bad thing by society's rules. However, withdrawing from family, friends, and fun, is another matter entirely and I agree that some of this does come with age.

I would like to add to the mix that lots of us "singles" don't have the funds to go "out" and mix all the time, or enjoy as many outtings. It's not a matter of being reclusive, but a matter of economics.

Thus, the vairables..I think the title of this post is misleading (although I don't know what other nomenclature you would use) and makes a blanket assumption that people who CHOOSE to be alone are somehow dysfunctional. K know I am, but it has nothing to do with being reclusive. HA!

JawJaw,

This lack of peers about me, while out, is something I've noticed for the last couple of years.

I'm certain economics play a part in the total scheme of things, but, even on outings to places free of charge, such as parks, exhibits at the local civic center, the seasonal fairs and festivals, I just don't see many mature folks. I just find it odd, considering we are supposedly becoming the majority, as to population. Therefore, you would think we would be a bit more publicly visible.

And girl, I agree absolutely, there is nothing wrong with wanting a bit of peace and solitude, and living your life in that manner. I raised two girls, and there were years when I'd have given anything for just one solid week of nothing going on, and no one running in and out!


www.intouchwithjeannine.com

I know you have made me aware of the situation from your observance and from now on, I'll be counting them myself. Good idea! Why don't we ALL do this and let's see if we're shrinking, socially? Want to?

And you are so right about raising the kids. I raised two boys and it wasn't that they were around so much but the fact that they weren't. I had to watch them every minute, and have eyes literally in the back of my head. They WILL try anything.

I can speak for everyone, naturally, but I can only say that as a single-boomer, I probably do less than most. My reasons are economical, as stated, but again I think a lot of it has to do with the kind of work I do (freelance). I just about work 7 days a week and don't have a lot of time to get out and have fun...although I think my work is fun.

Boomers are younger looking than previous generations - maybe you mistook some boomers to be younger than they are. he-he-he

I think some of us become more reclusive because of situations like Mustang Gal. I've had so many bad experiences with people being ugly, I'd just as soon not socialize sometimes. But when you allow the creepy people to affect your life that much - they win.

Well maybe you all need to come out to Vegas as most of the cars on the roads contain Boomers, either 4/5 women, or men going golfing or couples out and about. This is a retirement town and the Casinos are filled to the brim with Seniors, the shows, the restaurants etc. No shortage of silver heads are seen here. On Labor day the 2 olympic size pools in the resort I live in were filled with lumpy or should I say fluffy men and women having the time of their lives in the water. Lots of grandkids here too. Also in towns not full of retiree's maybe the Seniors were hosting the family at their homes for a picnic or dinner. Some Seniors on very fixed incomes and struggling have to watch spending so make no unnecessary trips with gas prices so high. I looked up the words Recluse and Reclusive and the meanings are all so depressing and I don't believe thats the case with most Seniors...Plus MustangGal is right people just aren't lke they use to be, friendly!!!

I haven't really noticed a shortage of boomers or seniors out and about in my area neither. They are everywhere! And as far as the seniors go.....you better get out of there way when they have their sight on something. They'll knock ya down to get a closer look at a handmade quilt at a craft fair! No rockin' chair folks here!

I do think it depends on where you are. I don't see as many boomers at the movies, but I sure see a lot of them at places like Lowes or Home Depot.

OH, and I should add, you quite often see boomers at the movies if you go to the afternoon shows, that start at 4:30 or 5 pm on a Saturday or Sunday.

So...I think we can all agree that there are so many variables involved with this topic of who's staying out, and who's staying in. It could depend on

1) Economics
2) Health
3) Transportation issues
4) Time
5) Bad Experiences
6) Personalities (shyness, etc.)
7) Locality

Anything else? Jeannine, thanks for bringing up another point of view. You really made us put on our thinking caps!

Wow at all of the input. You boomers really think things thru!

JJ

Speaking of malls (someone was, about the lack of boomers in malls), I almost never go in them any more. It's gotten to where there are only one or two stores I'm interested in at the mall, and these are usually the big department stores. So I just go in the outside entrance to that store and don't enter the mall at all.

Of course, it probably depends a lot on where in the country you live. Where I live, we don't even HAVE a lot of actual malls (indoor type). What we have are strip malls - like there will be a Target, a Pier One, Michael's, Linens & Things, and a couple other stores and restaurants. Those are the kind of places I shop.

But MALL malls? They really aren't any more interested in me than I am in them. They cater to the teens, twenties, and thirties.

I think Chatty's on to something. They have all left middle America and gone to more desirable retirement areas. I know Gulf Shores is full of boomers and they are very active. They are playing golf and have clubs and love to drive over to Biloxi to the casinos. And some of them are way past being boomers, too! Maybe they're just too busy to get to the mall, so they buy it all online!

I think I am the odd ball here I love to go Mall shopping . When I was in Ala this summer we all hit the big outlet Mall in Nashville well that was something to see and walk . The big Grand Ole Opry Hotel what a site to see . I have cabin fever these days taking care of hubby after surgery and will getting out some today . I would love to get back to working more part time and get out of this house . Only three more weeks and he can go back to work and I can call my agency Temp that is . Now I will stop complaining some . At least for today .

Hey, Chatty Lousia is in Vegas . Have you heard from her yet ?

Renee

Great thoughts from everyone! Chatty, I think you nailed it! I actually am beginning to believe as our population ages, it tends to migrate, to areas we've come to know as Retirement Meccas. I know myself, when in certain areas of Florida and the coast, and the Southwest, older folks are definitely more visible.

It was the lack of visuals for me, in the greater Atlanta area, of my peer age group, that really had me pondering their whereabouts. In my community, there is a mere handful of people age 50-60. I came to realize if I was age 25-35 I'd be literally surrounded by my peers, when out and about. This prompted me to wonder about other areas of the country, areas not necessarily retiree flush, ones not generally associated with the over 50 crowd.

I have spoken to other women my age and many say they don't like battling the traffic and the crowds, in this area. One told me she only does her grocery shopping on Wednesday mornings. It has been her experience that markets are the least active on this day, during the early hours, where she lives. One woman told me she feels uncomfortable when out, finding people too loud and boisterous, and she feels somehow vulnerable, due to her age.

This entire discussion has also I believe given me a bit of self-enlightenment...I honestly think over the last couple of years, my conscious notice of a lack of my age peers about me, is significant. I think possibly a great many older people, those not already living in Silvered areas of the country, may begin to feel a bit out-numbered, so to speak. They may begin to feel the lack of folks their own age, people with whom they have much in common. This realization may prompt folks to begin thinking re-location to areas wherein their peers have congregated.

History tells us immigrants to this country tended to head straight for settlements wherein their own ethnic groups were living. The new arrivals needed areas wherein the residents spoke their language shared their customs, and with whom they felt generally compatible. Possibly, senior migration follows this same line of reasoning.

www.intouchwithjeannine.com

Excellent logic all. I'm 100% on this one. It all just makes good sense.

The only thing that would keep me from moving in with a bunch of "golden girls" would be if they didn't let me have my way.

I think one thing we didn't talk THAT much about was security. I would be afraid to go to some places in the area alone. Gangs, rough-housers, or just exposing myself to possible dangers would prevent me from venturing out sometimes. Do any of the rest of you feel this way? Afraid, when alone?

JJ

J.J.
When My husband was in the hospital . I was not afraid to be alone in the house. I don't go to the malls at night or to the store at night . When we had the dog she alerted us to sounds that she hear and would bark all night long sometimes and made you feel safe . When we were in Ala this summer my sister-in-law did notlock her front door during the day , but did at night . Now that is feeling safe . I keep my front door and back doors locked at all times and storm door .

Hey, Jeannie where did you get that Tan? You look like my sister-in-law in Ala she had a tan all the time and the sun was low there .

Renee

JJ,

I'm not afraid...which is a good thing since I've lived alone for several year...well except for the cat who would throw me to the wolves if she could...

What I try to do is not put myself in situations where I wouldn't feel or be safe. I don't go walking alone at night any more and there are certain areas of town that I avoid after dark.

Probably the same kinds of things that you do. I do keep my doors locked most of the time but have literally left the back door open all night and nothing happened.

I lived alone in college and learned early on that I couldn't watch TV shows about women being raped or murdered and still feel safe...so I quit watching that kind of shows.

Still don't watch them much.

Good advice. I use to watch all the court TV and Detective Shows, Law shows, etc...until I realized I was constantly looking over my shoulder and if the phone rang during one of these shows, you had to peel me off the ceiling.

And yes, being mindful of your surroundings is another great tip for us gals.

JJ

Renee, On the tan...I've been in the habit of using a self tanner, year round. Started using one of the bronzing body moisturizers this past spring, and really like the results I'm seeing. Also, during the summer months, I'm outdoors, a great deal, especially enjoy the pool.

As for the fear of being alone, or going out alone, I don't have a problem there. Of course, I don't take what I'd call unnecessary risks, nor do I wander into areas common sense tells me to avoid. I'm also someone who pays attention to my surroundings. Not out of fear, but because I can hear my mama's advice, about 'keeping your wits about you'.

There's an ecclectic little neighborhood, Little Five Points, that I enjoy strolling around, in the summer, in the afternoons, or evenings. A great hodge-podge of street musicians, theaters, cafes, retro-clothing shops, wine bars. Yet, you would never find me strolling around there at midnight or later!

In Touch With Jeannine
Inspirational, informative, upbeat site for mature women.

As far as safety goes, one does not have to be living in fear to use common sense. In the world we live in today which is also occupied by evil, being careul and safe are necessary. I am not afraid so to speak, but do at all times practice every safety measure I can to not become a statistic....

I thought I should share this, after yesterday's post. I had been out yesterday evening and got home a little before 8. It was already getting dark and I put out the trash and came in and locked the doors.

About 8:30 I heard a vehicle outside, then footsteps on the porch and a knock on the door. It really startled me because I don't have much company and especially unexpected company after dark.

I called through the door asking who was there but no one answered. That concerned me and I hadn't yet cracked the door to see who was there when the phone started ringing.

That suspcious writer mind of mine thought, "Oh no, the neighbors are calling to warn me that there's an ax murderer on the porch!"

Of course the phone call was totally unrelated and I heard the vehicle leaving. Somewhere in all of that I happened to remember that I had ordered a book from Amazon and that UPS runs fairly late in my neighborhood.

Sure enough...there lay my book on the porch...by the door...no ax in sight!

Now if this forum can get my imagination that riled up...you see why I don't watch TV!

Nothing like night time to scare us or bring out the imagination! I do that too.

Jane, I noticed that you are a bereavement coordinator. What is that, exactly?

Its always better to be safe rather than sorry, so be happy to be informed. Right here in Arizona they just caught a serial rapist/murderer...He is responsible for 11 rapes and 8 murders that they know of, if he is the right man...Thats a bit too close to home for me. And why couldn't that UPS man say who he was and what he had? He was being a dam jerk if you ask me...

I just betcha that he put the book on the porch and scadalled. It was late and his supper was calling. I know my UPS man puts whatever it is on the porch, rings the doorbell and then leaves. He doesn't hang around. So I bet it wasn't a matter of being inconsiderate, just in a hurry......maybe?

Anyhoo...it STILL would have scared the beejeebee's out of me!

JJ

Dianne,

I took training through RTS (resolve through sharing). It is designed for infant loss, including miscarriage and stillbirth. I did this when I was nurse manager of an OB unit.

Most of the principles apply to any one who is greiving. Like things that you say that aren't helpful at the time..."You're young, you can have other babies..." and how to facilitate someone who is going through the grief process.

It's not something that I do a lot of now, but I still have the skills. Working with infant loss is very difficult but to know that you have made a difference in someone's life during a very difficult time...that's very rewarding.

As a coordinator I was able to put a program in place at the hospital where I worked.

I think you should start a thread on this topic so all of us will know what to say and what not to say when we're around people who have suffered a loss. It's really difficult to say the right thing and none of us want to make it worse.

Are you up for that Jane? You could put it in the Loss area.

I know when my husband passed, I was in my early 20's and had been married only five years, people talked about it as if I weren't there to hear them. No one knew what to say to me. I found myself comforting them....go figure. Now I just share my sorrow for them and say, I will hold them in my prayers. Short and sweet seems to be best. I remember it was for me.