I've read the most active topic and was impressed by all of you ... you struggle with so many things and yet you continue on.

What keeps you going?

I posted a synopsis of my history in the Featured Author thread because of a question I had regarding panic/depression/anxiety vs thinking about suicide.

I struggle with all those, have had a stroke and can't work full time, some minor neurological problems with unknown diagnosis.

Anyway, many of you are dealing with much more than I face.

So, how do you do it?

Blessings, Francine

Francine, I wrote a response to your post in Featured Author. But I'll answer your question as to what keeps me going through all the struggles with depression and mangled thinking.

What helps me through is choosing to be compassionately merciful toward myself. It took me so very long to learn that, because I have had a raging self-hatred burning inside of me for most of my life. But slowly and surely, my own mercy for my own self is winning out and bringing me back to some semblance of meaningful life.

I look at my woundedness, scars left behind by the hurtful negative impact of parents and other people throughout my life. Those things hurt, and I still say a loud OUCH whenever my fingers run across a raw wound, and then I dare to caress that woundedness with the same tender compassion I've given to others throughout my life, the same compassion I've yearned someone to give to me all my life. That compassion has rarely been as forthcoming as I've needed it to be, so I finally decided to learn how to give it to myself. Who better to give it to? I'm with myself 24/7! Why not learn to use that time to caress, love, be tender, caring and compassionate with my deepest hurting self!

So I've been slowly, agonizingly-slowly, replacing the negative self-hatred with compassion and mercy for all that I've been through...and giving myself loving pats on the back for surviving and not giving up. It was very hard in the beginning, but I tell you, it's working!

And surrounding ourselves with caring, compassionate people like we have here at BWS helps us to help ourselves through whatever we're struggling with. You can do it Francine...we'll help.

Thanks Eagle Heart.

I've got two books on dealing with healing of childhood memories/abuse ... both by Christian authors. The work in them has sometimes just stopped me for months ... I'd do a little and then it seemed I'd retreat from the truths I had to face. But, as usual, I end back where I am now ... in a lot of pain and wondering how to survive. As I said in response to your other very kind post, God has protected me from myself and I guess I just need to trust Him a little more to protect me as I work on the pain from my past.

Thank you so much. Your kind words were much needed.

Blessings, Francine

Please don't overlook professional help in conjunction with meds. I was in a suicidal stage at the end of summer last year, and I thank God for my Dr. kind understanding and his referral to a wonderful therapist.

writergirl, you mention Christian books and God so I thought I'd share what makes me tick.

God- my father
Jesus- my savior
Holy Spirit- the one who carries me through life

If God loves me unconditionally, I need to love myself and others.

If Jesus forgives me and offers me everlasting life, I need to forgive myself and others.

If the Holy Spirit carries me through life, then I need to let Him do His job. I need to be tuned in to what He is calling me to be and do for Him.

The only way I know how to do this is to seek to know more about the life of Chirst. He is my example. I pray, read The Bible, listen to Christain music, have daily inspirational calendars around the house, read books about Christianity, go to church, prayer group, and do everything I can to be more like Him and less like Dotsie.

writergirl, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear about your stroke and neurological challenges. I pray you find answers for the unknown. That must be frustrating.

What keeps me going is I live in the "here and now" as much as possible. I live "in the moment" rather than dwell on past mistakes, regrets, or future problems.

Boy is that one hard for me too, because I'm a worrier. I constantly have "what if" running through my head, but I have to keep reminding myself that "what if" hasn't happened, I have to only focus on what is happening now.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and suggestions.

Sherri, I may try to see my therapist when I go back to AZ for a visit ... and I may go see one of the chaplains here in the interim.

Dottie ... thank you so much for sharing your beliefs. I agree 100%. I do know that if I don't spend time with my Father each morning, my life becomes unbalanced. I've been working so hard on my web site ... something I feel is a priority from God ... and so I was in such a rush I kind of neglected my quiet time. Bottom line ... God is the one TRUE thing in my life and my refuge. It's ironic because I've been helping my sister who is struggling so I've been mentoring (you could say she's a baby Christian) ... I guess I sometimes give too much away before I give to myself. Thanks for your reminder.

Vicki ... thanks for your advice. That is so true ... because I can easily get caught up in the "what ifs."

Blessings to all, Francine

PS ... Thanks for being here, it's helped.

This site and my writers club and some dear friends I have met along the way have helped me and help me daily or I might go insane. My story and problem may be the strangest of all and I dream for the day it has been resolved and I am free to live my life quietly without conflict...

Celexa keeps me going. No kidding. If I was stuck on a desert island, and could only have one thing, it would be my meds. That is not to minimize the power of positive self-talk, meditation, visualization, friends, gratitude, journaling, therapy, spirituality, volunteering. I do have moments or mornings when I wake up with the ancient depression and resulting self-loathing. Or nights when I go to bed with the lurking feelings of fear and failure. Writegirl, I really liked your response to chatty in the anxiety thread. It helped me! Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn, as you know I'm dealing with chronic dysthymia (low-grade depression); it does get tiring having to maintain the positive self-talk, gratitude-attitude, etc, etc, 24/7. It's exhausting having to constantly find ways to drown out those old tapes or act like everything's honky-dory when fatigue is relentlessly tugging at me to go back to bed. And it's very debilitating to keep having to deal with those old fear and failure feelings and not give in to that sense of futility.

I get so tired having to rev up internal engines that just don't have the "get up and go" anymore. If I didn't have this place, I don't know if I'd be able to do it day in and day out. This place really energizes me, which is the most hopeful thing I've experienced in months. Still, I'm debating whether or not it's enough. I'd like to go back on meds, if only to give myself a much needed break from the constant self-management, but dread the side effects.

The problem is that chronic fatigue is just that, chronic, it's never going to go away. I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life. But I'm wondering if I can get myself on a regime of, say, two years on, two years off, just so there's always a light at the end of the tunnel...both tunnels...the exhausting self-management tunnel, and the drug-side-effect tunnel.

Hi Eagle, yes, it can be mentally exhausting. I don't exactly have "get up and go" but I do manage to do so. I linger too long in bed in the morning. Part of that is that my doggies sleep with me, and the cuddling and warmth makes me want to stay in bed with them. That is healthy because I can recognize comfort when I am envoloped in it! You read my book. I think of the times I couldn't get out of bed without self-medicating with the worst possible kind of drugs! I think it's quite a dilemma when you know there are (legit) meds available yet they have side-effects and you have to weigh the risks and benefits. I don't experience side-effects except for low libido, which I've stated before is not a problem in my marriage because we are both on anti-depressants. This is okay with us. I don't have a problem with staying on meds for the rest of my life because the meds help me live my life. I'm sure I've lived longer with them than I ever would without them. How do the anti-depressants affect your creativity? Please remind me, if you want, of the side-effects you experienced. There is love and light at the end of the tunnel! Lynn

Hi Lynn,
That's such a delicious image of you snuggling "too long" in bed in the morning with your dogs...sounds wonderfully healthy to me! There's a definite difference between staying in bed because you're having a delicious snuggle or (in my case) a lovely chat with God first thing in the morning and staying in bed because you can't face the day.

The problem with anti-depressants for me is that they dampen down everything, not just the sadness and depression, but also the joy and pleasure. So I end up feeling neutral, and the day breezes by without me feeling like I've truly lived it. In some ways I'd rather live with some measure of pain and discomfort than with no feelings at all, especially now that I can recognize my early warning signs of spiralling down into dangerous territory.

ADs did dampen my creativity, although it's impossible to tell this last time if it was indeed the AD or the profound grief over losing Mom. Now that the grief is slowly waning, the creativity is slowly returning, and I love to see that side of me coming back to life. I wouldn't want to lose it again by going back on AD's so soon.

The low libido was a big problem for us. In fact, it played a contributing role in our marriage almost not surviving this past breakdown. Hubby is so loving and patient, and very affectionate and, well, has his favourite ways of expressing that affection. A low libido was very taxing on his patience, especially when it kept getting worse instead of better. It's slowly coming back (been off the AD for about a year now...which tells me it wasn't all the AD's fault). Again, grief probably played a major role in that as well.

Maybe the side effects wouldn't be so pronounced now that there aren't other major factors at play all at the same time (grief, severe fatigue, utterly broken self, faith crisis, marriage instability, hormonal changes, etc.)

What I might do is wait until the fall and try a milder AD for the winter months and see how that works for me.

[ June 09, 2005, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Hi Eagle, thanks for sharing those experiences. I'm no pharmacisit. I think a milder AD might be Zoloft at the lowest dose, or Celexa at the lowest dose. A neurologist switched me from Zoloft to Celexa. Ironically, I had more neutral feelings at the lower level of Celexa. When I graduated to a higher level, the feelings of joy are more intense and frequent! Believe you me, this is a new concept. I actually feel as though I've returned to periods of joy and wonder that I hadn't experienced since being a five-year old. Sometimes, I am just thrilled to be alive! Of course, I can't say that is all the result of Celexa. As you know, hard work on ourselves is a contributing factor to mental health. And I can't say it's all the time. I can still start or end the day with feelings of self-loathing. However, those negative feelings are more short-lived than before. I do wish there was a pill I could take that would 1) enhance creativity 2) enhance focus. Instead, I rely on the good old behavioral habits of discipline and determination. I'm with you all the way Eagle as you make your decision as to when/if you need Auntie Dees for your well being. Love and Light, Lynn P.S. I'm lucky that my husband and I can express our affection for each other without either one of us feeling pressured to .... you know.

Hi Ladies,

It's so nice to wake up and come here and read some of the posts you guys made as I slept.

I am so thankful that you all have shared so much with me here. What's neat is that the "correspondence" between each other offers me a glimpse into who you are and that's nice.

I will probably check with my doctor on maybe changing my antidepressant as I'm wondering if that might be part of my problem.

But I think the most important thing I've learned is that just being here has made a major difference.

I'd like to say that it's just me being here in Germany and living a pretty isolated life (I'm home all day by myself -- although I could change that if I got a German drivers license) that has led to the extreme periods of depression and anxiety. But it goes deeper than that.

I've described ME pretty much in the Featured Authors thread and one of the signifcant things is that I don't have many friends. There have been a series of "best friends" over the years who have ended up abandoning me or betraying me. And, of course, many just don't understand the depression, anxiety, and panic.

But I feel as if I've found a place where I can be totally honest and be accepted -- along with learning how maybe I'm not so crazy. It's a good feeling.

I've learned much from your postings. I'm looking forward to learning more about the great women here.

Thanks.

Hugs and blessings, Francine

During the dark days of a *decades* old undiagnosed episode of clinical depression...God. God kept me going. Not the God of the Old Testament who would smack me with a big stick if I dare to commit suicide but the God of the New Testament who loved me unwhole and then whole again. Some people call it praying, I still call it talking to and with God. He had and has a plan for my life and I was more interested in finding and knowing that plan than I was in killing myself.

God gave me good friends who carried me when I was too exhausted to crawl. He gave me a wonderful Mother and Daddy who prayed, and still pray, for me. He gave me siblings who love me and pray for me. God gave me a burning desire to live even greater than the whispered lies from the father of lies who told me to give up.

I don't have good friends where I now live but stamps are still, relatively, inexpensive and I write my beloved friends and family...a LOT. Do they write me? Not hardly, not many of them but my love isn't dependent upon what they do...my love is unconditional and I love them because I know, every so often, they think good thoughts of me and some of them pray for me. And the ones who don't pray for me...maybe I love them a little more because I know they need a little more love. Don't we all?

Thistle ... I so love your response. Yes, the God of the New Testament who picks us up everytime we fall. And yes, I just talk to Him ... He's my rock, my touchstone but there are times when I wander too far away and can't hear his voice.

Thank you for sharing your heart and reminding me of the one place we can always go for help when we can't help ourselves.

Blessings, Francine

What keeps me going...

When I get up and have that first cup of coffee, I sit outside, listen to nature and soak up the fact that I am here again this morning. I talk to God and thank him for giving me another chance to be here. I pray for my family and friends and myself.

Don't laugh, but when I see an animal on the side of the road,(no longer with us) I say a prayer for all God's creatures. Some days I just finish one prayer and I will come upon another little critter and pray again.

If I am in the mall and I see a child or adult who looks like they need a prayer,( I know, judging, but prayer never hurt anybody) I pray for them. If I accidently meet someone who tells me about a difficult situation, I tell them I will add them to my nightly prayers...and I do.

I pray every night, before I go to sleep and thank God for another day, no matter how good or bad it has been.

I read about many of you here and pray for you whether you ask or not. Yesterday I prayed for "everyone" involved in the infamous court case. Last night I prayed for peace on our site.

All this praying that I am doing doesn't take much time out of a 24 hour day.

What keeps me going?

Prayer...to the Man who listens and whispers back.

chick

Chick,

Your reply gave me shivers ... what a wonderful response. Thank you.

I try to do the same, especially if someone comes to mind.

I smiled about praying for critters. I've grown quite attached to hedgehogs and this time of year you see a lot along the roads (or in the middle of the roads). Automobiles are the number one danger to the little guys.

We have two that visit us occasionally ... Sir Henry and Lady Henrietta. I love it when I can go outside and catch a glimpse of them scuttling around.

That's way off the subject. Anyway, thanks for your input.

Blessings, Francine

I am going to have to start naming my local critters now Francine. I have two cardinals nesting outside my window. Miff and Buffy? No. Maybe Sir Red and Lady Ruby.

I am glad you enjoyed my post.

Sometimes I pray very hard but you know, God is the "one" who won't always give me my own way. In doing so, he shows me a better way.

chick

Chick,

You know, what you said about God not always giving us our own way ... well, I've been praying about what I should be writing next and I'm not overjoyed at where I think He's leading me. Of course, He knows I'll listen -- eventually. LOL. Really, though, the more quickly I listen, the more peaceful I'll be.

As far as naming critters ... we not only name critters, but plants and trees. Back home we have Larry and Lisa the lizards, Myrtle (our crepe myrtle tree/bush), Lila the lilac bush, and Harry the horney toad.

Hugs and Blessings, Francine

PS I like Sir Red and Lady Ruby.

Names for everyone and everything. This should be fun Francine. Thank You for sharing your idea. Some cute names.
Well wouldn't you know it, Francine. Sir Red and Lady Ruby didn't finish their nest. I don't know if something happened to one of them. A beautiful mockingbird has taken over, finished the nest and is now sitting on her eggs. Her name is Molly. I can't wait for the hummingbirds to come.

bug hugs and butterfly blessings to you

chick

Chick,

Naming things has become something of a treasure now because my grandkids have picked up on it. And the cool thing is that I know those little lizards back in AZ don't live forever but everytime we see one, it's always Larry or Lisa, lol.

Sorry about Sir Red and Lady Ruby ... but at least another bird is using the nest.

There are birds here that have the most magnificent song ... except it sounds more like they are talking to each other. I'm not familiar with the birds of Germany so I don't know what kind it is. Just that it sits in the tree tops and warbles and chirps and chitters and sings ... and then, another one not too far off will answer it. Their "conversations" make me smile.

Of course, we do have Coco the Cuckoo bird living in a field somewhere near by and his unmistakeable song never fails to bring a smile because I still look for a darn cuckoo clock. LOL.

Love the bug hugs and butterfly blessings, girlfriend.

Hugs and blessing to you, Francine

Since I've been away so long AND since my emotional state has changed so drastically, I wanted to share just a few things with you.

Of course, reading over the posts, I'm overwhelmed with the response I received when I was struggling and in such pain.

Since August, I've been off all my medications but one (for anxiety) and I usually only take that at night (it helps me sleep). After some scary side-effects of at least one of my meds, I decided to make some changes. But, I did this through much prayer and knowing what warning signs to look for as a result of my actions. Bottom line, I stopped everything but the anxiety medication. I didn't stop everything all at once but did it gradually. The end result: I felt more alive than I've felt in years. In reality, I'd been very medicated for years and after a trip to the ER in July, I knew something had to change. After all, all the medications weren't helping with my suicidal thoughts (as noted in the earlier posts in this thread).

The other thing was my dependence on God. One of the reasons I became inactive here was that I would spend several hours a day in my quiet time and in study. Much of this resulted in posts to my blog. Of course, what God was really doing was healing me.

Since then, I no longer have suicidal thoughts or drastic mood swings. I'm amazed at how God has strengthened me.

I WOULD NOT encourage anyone to just stop their medications. But, I would encourage them to look at their spiritual well-being. For me, God must be at the center of my life. One of my prayers is: Jesus, you are the center and circumference of my life -- everything begins and ends with you. If it doesn't, then everything is chaos.

I just wanted to share with you what God has done. But I also wanted to thank you all for helping me through an extremely difficult time in my life. Although I've been absent from forums, you kind women have not been absent from my heart and thoughts.

Abundant blessings, Francine

Francine, I am not familiar with your story, but it sounds like you are doing well. With God, all things are possible. I'm very happy for you!

Welcome back, Francine. Sounds like you had a successful sabbatical. Good for you. I know that stopping meds isn't right for everyone but it's good to hear that you had such a wonderfully divine support system to fall back on.

Francine, it's great to have you back and in such fantastic health. I know your post may not have been to share the Word, but it certainly a testament to the healing power of God.

I know medications are desparately needed in many circumstances, but I am grateful you chose to back off when you weren't feeling well.

I've known women who have been heavily medicated due to depression. I say fine if it's working, but if it isn't then you need to switch them up, back off, add another, add exercies, prayer, whatever, until you feel better. That is key. Congrats to you for listening to your God and your body.

Too much medication or the wrong medication to treat depression may be worse in many cases than no medication. I admire people who can overcome depression using only their own spirituality and strength of will. That worked for me to the point where I could reduce my meds to a level that made my life a lot more comfortable.

Francine, it sounds as though you're doing remarkably well. I'm coming off a fairly intense year myself, so I know where your coming from.

Everyone needs to deal with their lives as best they can in a way that works for them. I've been living one the day to day plan for several years now. Last year for a while I was on the 15 minutes plan --- As in, God, please help me get through this 15 minutes and then we'll deal with what comes next. It worked surprisingly well, but it feels good not to have to do that anymore.

Oh how I've missed being here and all these responses remind me of how warm and caring this community is.

Bluebird ... my story is similar to so many other stories here at BWS but last summer was extremely difficult and I was in a bad place. I really believe God used BWS to keep me from doing something dangerous.

Vicki, thanks for the welcome back. And I will be the first one to say that medications are important. I may get to a point where I need them again and I won't hesitate to seek help.

Dotsie, it's so good to be here and so good to see so many wonderful things happening with BWS. It's growing and that means more women will find a safe haven here. And, to piggyback onto what I said about meds ... I truly believe God uses all things to help us. It's taken me more than 20 years to realize that all aspects of my well-being have to begin with Him.

Jackie ... I don't know if I've overcome depression or not and please believe me when I say that I NEEDED those medications, along with years of periodic counselling BEFORE my relationship with God helped me. I just thank God for the medications and the medical profession and how they helped. And I know about the 15-minutes at a time. There were times when I felt like I could only get thru one minute at a time. And it all started with baby steps.

Even now, as I face a major upheaval and change in my life, it would be easy to focus on EVERYTHING that needs to be done. And, in fact, there are times when that happens and my anxiety rears its ugly head. Stepping back and realizing I can only go from one point to another by taking one step at a time is the only way I can face the changes that loom ahead in the next couple of months. And knowing that God is in control of it all.

I'm in Germany and we'll be returning home to my beloved Arizona and my family. The weird thing is that it's what I long for and yet ... well, I don't think anything in life is easy but it's all worth it.

And now, I think that's enough ...

Thank you all for your words of welcome and encouragement.

Blessings, Francine

Francine, what part of AZ are you returning to?
I'm guessing your husband is in the military. I have a cousin who lived in Heidelberg and she loved it.

Bluebird ... going back to Fort Huachuca, southeastern part of the state, near Tombstone and the Mexican border. My husband isn't active duty but is a civilian working for the Army.

Heidelberg is lovely and I've had the opportunity to travel around Europe -- seeing things I never would've have had the opportunity to see. But, I have to tell you, it's a might nippy here, lol. In fact, we had lots of snow last week. My daughter tells me they've been having 70 degree weather and I'm more than ready for that.

I see you aren't too far away ... as the crow flies.

Oh ... I love your signature line. So very true.

Blessings, Francine

My son in law would love to visit Tombstone! He loves all that cowboy stuff. We stopped in Dodge City on our way from NY to CO.

writegirl, I love having you back. Just had to tell you that.

Thanks Dotsie ... I truly enjoy being here. And it's so nice to feel wanted. LOL. But hey, it's true.

And Bluebird, Tombstone is really great. The town has done some good things in the past couple of years to make it more "realistic." I love just going there and watching people walk around ... lots of "wannabes" there but that's part of the uniqueness of the place. I can't wait to get back and make a run over there -- only about 30 minutes from my home.

Blessings, Francine

What keeps me going? My grandchildren! and my wonderful husband.

Sherri

suzieq, I haev witnessed the chnage in your spirit during the past month, or so and it's refreshing. May God continue to be at work in your life.


Just a thought... perhaps there is a clinic in your town that needs people who are bipolar to minister to others who have recently been diagnosed with the same. I bet you wold be awesome at that.

It's so nice to hear how others keep going.

Suzieq, yes, we are all here for a purpose and I strongly believe in sharing what I've learned in my struggles. I think that by giving of ourselves in that way, we truly are the ones who receive a multitude of blessings.

And congrats on getting the letter published. And I would encourage you to work on an article. If you haven't yet, you might want to query them as to what their needs are. That way you can formulate your article toward their needs.

Good luck.

And Sherri, I agree about grandkids and husbands. In fact, the love of and for my family brought me through some of my darkest times. But ultimately, it was God who lifted me out of deep depression, through the help of medications and counseling. I strongly believe that we need to seek help from professionals to get us to a point of reality, so to speak.

Blessings, Francine