Hi Eagle, yes, it can be mentally exhausting. I don't exactly have "get up and go" but I do manage to do so. I linger too long in bed in the morning. Part of that is that my doggies sleep with me, and the cuddling and warmth makes me want to stay in bed with them. That is healthy because I can recognize comfort when I am envoloped in it! You read my book. I think of the times I couldn't get out of bed without self-medicating with the worst possible kind of drugs! I think it's quite a dilemma when you know there are (legit) meds available yet they have side-effects and you have to weigh the risks and benefits. I don't experience side-effects except for low libido, which I've stated before is not a problem in my marriage because we are both on anti-depressants. This is okay with us. I don't have a problem with staying on meds for the rest of my life because the meds help me live my life. I'm sure I've lived longer with them than I ever would without them. How do the anti-depressants affect your creativity? Please remind me, if you want, of the side-effects you experienced. There is love and light at the end of the tunnel! Lynn

Hi Lynn,
That's such a delicious image of you snuggling "too long" in bed in the morning with your dogs...sounds wonderfully healthy to me! There's a definite difference between staying in bed because you're having a delicious snuggle or (in my case) a lovely chat with God first thing in the morning and staying in bed because you can't face the day.

The problem with anti-depressants for me is that they dampen down everything, not just the sadness and depression, but also the joy and pleasure. So I end up feeling neutral, and the day breezes by without me feeling like I've truly lived it. In some ways I'd rather live with some measure of pain and discomfort than with no feelings at all, especially now that I can recognize my early warning signs of spiralling down into dangerous territory.

ADs did dampen my creativity, although it's impossible to tell this last time if it was indeed the AD or the profound grief over losing Mom. Now that the grief is slowly waning, the creativity is slowly returning, and I love to see that side of me coming back to life. I wouldn't want to lose it again by going back on AD's so soon.

The low libido was a big problem for us. In fact, it played a contributing role in our marriage almost not surviving this past breakdown. Hubby is so loving and patient, and very affectionate and, well, has his favourite ways of expressing that affection. A low libido was very taxing on his patience, especially when it kept getting worse instead of better. It's slowly coming back (been off the AD for about a year now...which tells me it wasn't all the AD's fault). Again, grief probably played a major role in that as well.

Maybe the side effects wouldn't be so pronounced now that there aren't other major factors at play all at the same time (grief, severe fatigue, utterly broken self, faith crisis, marriage instability, hormonal changes, etc.)

What I might do is wait until the fall and try a milder AD for the winter months and see how that works for me.

[ June 09, 2005, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Hi Eagle, thanks for sharing those experiences. I'm no pharmacisit. I think a milder AD might be Zoloft at the lowest dose, or Celexa at the lowest dose. A neurologist switched me from Zoloft to Celexa. Ironically, I had more neutral feelings at the lower level of Celexa. When I graduated to a higher level, the feelings of joy are more intense and frequent! Believe you me, this is a new concept. I actually feel as though I've returned to periods of joy and wonder that I hadn't experienced since being a five-year old. Sometimes, I am just thrilled to be alive! Of course, I can't say that is all the result of Celexa. As you know, hard work on ourselves is a contributing factor to mental health. And I can't say it's all the time. I can still start or end the day with feelings of self-loathing. However, those negative feelings are more short-lived than before. I do wish there was a pill I could take that would 1) enhance creativity 2) enhance focus. Instead, I rely on the good old behavioral habits of discipline and determination. I'm with you all the way Eagle as you make your decision as to when/if you need Auntie Dees for your well being. Love and Light, Lynn P.S. I'm lucky that my husband and I can express our affection for each other without either one of us feeling pressured to .... you know.

Hi Ladies,

It's so nice to wake up and come here and read some of the posts you guys made as I slept.

I am so thankful that you all have shared so much with me here. What's neat is that the "correspondence" between each other offers me a glimpse into who you are and that's nice.

I will probably check with my doctor on maybe changing my antidepressant as I'm wondering if that might be part of my problem.

But I think the most important thing I've learned is that just being here has made a major difference.

I'd like to say that it's just me being here in Germany and living a pretty isolated life (I'm home all day by myself -- although I could change that if I got a German drivers license) that has led to the extreme periods of depression and anxiety. But it goes deeper than that.

I've described ME pretty much in the Featured Authors thread and one of the signifcant things is that I don't have many friends. There have been a series of "best friends" over the years who have ended up abandoning me or betraying me. And, of course, many just don't understand the depression, anxiety, and panic.

But I feel as if I've found a place where I can be totally honest and be accepted -- along with learning how maybe I'm not so crazy. It's a good feeling.

I've learned much from your postings. I'm looking forward to learning more about the great women here.

Thanks.

Hugs and blessings, Francine

During the dark days of a *decades* old undiagnosed episode of clinical depression...God. God kept me going. Not the God of the Old Testament who would smack me with a big stick if I dare to commit suicide but the God of the New Testament who loved me unwhole and then whole again. Some people call it praying, I still call it talking to and with God. He had and has a plan for my life and I was more interested in finding and knowing that plan than I was in killing myself.

God gave me good friends who carried me when I was too exhausted to crawl. He gave me a wonderful Mother and Daddy who prayed, and still pray, for me. He gave me siblings who love me and pray for me. God gave me a burning desire to live even greater than the whispered lies from the father of lies who told me to give up.

I don't have good friends where I now live but stamps are still, relatively, inexpensive and I write my beloved friends and family...a LOT. Do they write me? Not hardly, not many of them but my love isn't dependent upon what they do...my love is unconditional and I love them because I know, every so often, they think good thoughts of me and some of them pray for me. And the ones who don't pray for me...maybe I love them a little more because I know they need a little more love. Don't we all?

Thistle ... I so love your response. Yes, the God of the New Testament who picks us up everytime we fall. And yes, I just talk to Him ... He's my rock, my touchstone but there are times when I wander too far away and can't hear his voice.

Thank you for sharing your heart and reminding me of the one place we can always go for help when we can't help ourselves.

Blessings, Francine

What keeps me going...

When I get up and have that first cup of coffee, I sit outside, listen to nature and soak up the fact that I am here again this morning. I talk to God and thank him for giving me another chance to be here. I pray for my family and friends and myself.

Don't laugh, but when I see an animal on the side of the road,(no longer with us) I say a prayer for all God's creatures. Some days I just finish one prayer and I will come upon another little critter and pray again.

If I am in the mall and I see a child or adult who looks like they need a prayer,( I know, judging, but prayer never hurt anybody) I pray for them. If I accidently meet someone who tells me about a difficult situation, I tell them I will add them to my nightly prayers...and I do.

I pray every night, before I go to sleep and thank God for another day, no matter how good or bad it has been.

I read about many of you here and pray for you whether you ask or not. Yesterday I prayed for "everyone" involved in the infamous court case. Last night I prayed for peace on our site.

All this praying that I am doing doesn't take much time out of a 24 hour day.

What keeps me going?

Prayer...to the Man who listens and whispers back.

chick

Chick,

Your reply gave me shivers ... what a wonderful response. Thank you.

I try to do the same, especially if someone comes to mind.

I smiled about praying for critters. I've grown quite attached to hedgehogs and this time of year you see a lot along the roads (or in the middle of the roads). Automobiles are the number one danger to the little guys.

We have two that visit us occasionally ... Sir Henry and Lady Henrietta. I love it when I can go outside and catch a glimpse of them scuttling around.

That's way off the subject. Anyway, thanks for your input.

Blessings, Francine

I am going to have to start naming my local critters now Francine. I have two cardinals nesting outside my window. Miff and Buffy? No. Maybe Sir Red and Lady Ruby.

I am glad you enjoyed my post.

Sometimes I pray very hard but you know, God is the "one" who won't always give me my own way. In doing so, he shows me a better way.

chick

Chick,

You know, what you said about God not always giving us our own way ... well, I've been praying about what I should be writing next and I'm not overjoyed at where I think He's leading me. Of course, He knows I'll listen -- eventually. LOL. Really, though, the more quickly I listen, the more peaceful I'll be.

As far as naming critters ... we not only name critters, but plants and trees. Back home we have Larry and Lisa the lizards, Myrtle (our crepe myrtle tree/bush), Lila the lilac bush, and Harry the horney toad.

Hugs and Blessings, Francine

PS I like Sir Red and Lady Ruby.