I've read the most active topic and was impressed by all of you ... you struggle with so many things and yet you continue on.

What keeps you going?

I posted a synopsis of my history in the Featured Author thread because of a question I had regarding panic/depression/anxiety vs thinking about suicide.

I struggle with all those, have had a stroke and can't work full time, some minor neurological problems with unknown diagnosis.

Anyway, many of you are dealing with much more than I face.

So, how do you do it?

Blessings, Francine

Francine, I wrote a response to your post in Featured Author. But I'll answer your question as to what keeps me going through all the struggles with depression and mangled thinking.

What helps me through is choosing to be compassionately merciful toward myself. It took me so very long to learn that, because I have had a raging self-hatred burning inside of me for most of my life. But slowly and surely, my own mercy for my own self is winning out and bringing me back to some semblance of meaningful life.

I look at my woundedness, scars left behind by the hurtful negative impact of parents and other people throughout my life. Those things hurt, and I still say a loud OUCH whenever my fingers run across a raw wound, and then I dare to caress that woundedness with the same tender compassion I've given to others throughout my life, the same compassion I've yearned someone to give to me all my life. That compassion has rarely been as forthcoming as I've needed it to be, so I finally decided to learn how to give it to myself. Who better to give it to? I'm with myself 24/7! Why not learn to use that time to caress, love, be tender, caring and compassionate with my deepest hurting self!

So I've been slowly, agonizingly-slowly, replacing the negative self-hatred with compassion and mercy for all that I've been through...and giving myself loving pats on the back for surviving and not giving up. It was very hard in the beginning, but I tell you, it's working!

And surrounding ourselves with caring, compassionate people like we have here at BWS helps us to help ourselves through whatever we're struggling with. You can do it Francine...we'll help.

Thanks Eagle Heart.

I've got two books on dealing with healing of childhood memories/abuse ... both by Christian authors. The work in them has sometimes just stopped me for months ... I'd do a little and then it seemed I'd retreat from the truths I had to face. But, as usual, I end back where I am now ... in a lot of pain and wondering how to survive. As I said in response to your other very kind post, God has protected me from myself and I guess I just need to trust Him a little more to protect me as I work on the pain from my past.

Thank you so much. Your kind words were much needed.

Blessings, Francine

Please don't overlook professional help in conjunction with meds. I was in a suicidal stage at the end of summer last year, and I thank God for my Dr. kind understanding and his referral to a wonderful therapist.

writergirl, you mention Christian books and God so I thought I'd share what makes me tick.

God- my father
Jesus- my savior
Holy Spirit- the one who carries me through life

If God loves me unconditionally, I need to love myself and others.

If Jesus forgives me and offers me everlasting life, I need to forgive myself and others.

If the Holy Spirit carries me through life, then I need to let Him do His job. I need to be tuned in to what He is calling me to be and do for Him.

The only way I know how to do this is to seek to know more about the life of Chirst. He is my example. I pray, read The Bible, listen to Christain music, have daily inspirational calendars around the house, read books about Christianity, go to church, prayer group, and do everything I can to be more like Him and less like Dotsie.

writergirl, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear about your stroke and neurological challenges. I pray you find answers for the unknown. That must be frustrating.

What keeps me going is I live in the "here and now" as much as possible. I live "in the moment" rather than dwell on past mistakes, regrets, or future problems.

Boy is that one hard for me too, because I'm a worrier. I constantly have "what if" running through my head, but I have to keep reminding myself that "what if" hasn't happened, I have to only focus on what is happening now.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and suggestions.

Sherri, I may try to see my therapist when I go back to AZ for a visit ... and I may go see one of the chaplains here in the interim.

Dottie ... thank you so much for sharing your beliefs. I agree 100%. I do know that if I don't spend time with my Father each morning, my life becomes unbalanced. I've been working so hard on my web site ... something I feel is a priority from God ... and so I was in such a rush I kind of neglected my quiet time. Bottom line ... God is the one TRUE thing in my life and my refuge. It's ironic because I've been helping my sister who is struggling so I've been mentoring (you could say she's a baby Christian) ... I guess I sometimes give too much away before I give to myself. Thanks for your reminder.

Vicki ... thanks for your advice. That is so true ... because I can easily get caught up in the "what ifs."

Blessings to all, Francine

PS ... Thanks for being here, it's helped.

This site and my writers club and some dear friends I have met along the way have helped me and help me daily or I might go insane. My story and problem may be the strangest of all and I dream for the day it has been resolved and I am free to live my life quietly without conflict...

Celexa keeps me going. No kidding. If I was stuck on a desert island, and could only have one thing, it would be my meds. That is not to minimize the power of positive self-talk, meditation, visualization, friends, gratitude, journaling, therapy, spirituality, volunteering. I do have moments or mornings when I wake up with the ancient depression and resulting self-loathing. Or nights when I go to bed with the lurking feelings of fear and failure. Writegirl, I really liked your response to chatty in the anxiety thread. It helped me! Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn, as you know I'm dealing with chronic dysthymia (low-grade depression); it does get tiring having to maintain the positive self-talk, gratitude-attitude, etc, etc, 24/7. It's exhausting having to constantly find ways to drown out those old tapes or act like everything's honky-dory when fatigue is relentlessly tugging at me to go back to bed. And it's very debilitating to keep having to deal with those old fear and failure feelings and not give in to that sense of futility.

I get so tired having to rev up internal engines that just don't have the "get up and go" anymore. If I didn't have this place, I don't know if I'd be able to do it day in and day out. This place really energizes me, which is the most hopeful thing I've experienced in months. Still, I'm debating whether or not it's enough. I'd like to go back on meds, if only to give myself a much needed break from the constant self-management, but dread the side effects.

The problem is that chronic fatigue is just that, chronic, it's never going to go away. I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life. But I'm wondering if I can get myself on a regime of, say, two years on, two years off, just so there's always a light at the end of the tunnel...both tunnels...the exhausting self-management tunnel, and the drug-side-effect tunnel.