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#2456 - 05/01/05 03:55 PM
Re: How to handle this?
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Member
Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 483
Loc: North Carolina
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WW, it might be age related but I think it's just we're old enough now to have: Been there Done that Seen that, too. We don't fall for guilt trips any more because we recognize them for what they are; they stink! That's one of the criteria I use to help me decide. If I feel like someone's trying to shame me or guilt me into doing something - then I'll say NO automatically - regardless..... If I want to I will; if I don't, I won't. If you try to 'trip' me into anything - - then for sure I won't!! My 2 cents. ![[Razz]](images/icons/tongue.gif)
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#2458 - 08/04/05 01:56 PM
Re: How to handle this?
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Member
Registered: 08/04/05
Posts: 17
Loc: United Kingdom
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I'm very sorry you have gone through this with your friend. Has she made contact with you recently? It's very interesting for me to hear this kind of story from your side of the fence because, I have not received any other insight into a personal situation that, in some ways, is similar.
Your friend sounds like she has no clue as to why you've withdrawn your friendship and is trying different tactics to get a response out of you. Wrong though it may be how she has conducted herself, she's scraping the barrel. Pretty soon, she will give up but I'd like to bet, that despite how she's hurt you, she's now feeling hurt herself and completely bewildered as to why you're no longer communicating with her.
I know another respondant said it's not nice hearing unpleasant things about yourself, so telling your friend of how she has incurred your displeasure is unwise. On the other hand, how is your friend supposed to learn from this if she has no idea what she has done/said wrong? Friends, ideally, should be able to address issues with each other with the goal of helping each other to become their best selves. Ignoring people, I feel, is counter productive and only creates unnecessary pain.
I am speaking from experience. Six years into a friendship, my friend drastically reduced responding to my communications. I’m talking like what was a letter a month, plus emails, IMs and text messages, went down to a letter a year and nothing else.
Concerned, I asked if something was wrong = silence. I asked again = more silence. I asked again = Denial that anything was wrong then subsequent silence. More communications from myself = silence. I asked again if something was wrong = Denial and annoyance that I asked the question more than once (like I should have known from the silence that everything was ok - ??? - actions speak louder than words). I tried giving her space = silence. I tried regular contact but was always afraid she felt I was harassing her = silence.
Yes, I've taken the hint that she no longer wants a friendship. Silence - what a cowardly way to go about it? Not only that, she has no intention of resolving what was wrong because she doesn't even want to discuss it, perhaps afraid of confrontation?
I have absolutely no idea what I have done/said to cause her to withdraw from our friendship. It's sad that she hasn't given me the opportunity to correct whatever wrong I've caused her and, in the least to apoligise and be sincere about it.
I have wanted to ask her, finally, if she wants me to stop communicating with her. I see there's no point anymore in my asking what's wrong since silence is her only response. I know she wants me to ‘go away quietly’ but, at the same time, I need her to tell me that. I don’t mind-read by default.
I'm deeply hurt that our friendship has ended like this and I've got to come to terms with its ending without understanding why. That is very difficult.
I miss her.
Thank you for reading. Itza
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#2463 - 08/15/05 04:24 PM
Re: How to handle this?
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Member
Registered: 08/04/05
Posts: 17
Loc: United Kingdom
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quote: Originally posted by Dianne: Others dropped her as well.
I wonder if she's noticed? Also, if she's troubled by it enought to start asking question? Until then, I guess no-one can tell her because she wouldn't be ready to listen.
Itza
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#2464 - 08/15/05 04:41 PM
Re: How to handle this?
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Member
Registered: 08/04/05
Posts: 17
Loc: United Kingdom
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quote: Originally posted by smilinize: I have known those types of people and sometimes it seems as if they are striking out from the pain of loneliness. They seem to be forcing everyone away from them, and yet they also seem desperately lonely. Loneliness can be so painful as to lead to desperation and desperate people cannot be trusted.
Still, most times I must refuse to allow myself to be abused for the loneliness they have inflicted upon themselves. Sometimes they come to their senses. Sometimes not. smile
I can relate to this to some extent. Ten years ago, when my baby almost died, the majority of people who I believed were friends vanished out of my life. I tried to maintain contact with them but they either ignored me completely or came up with excuses as to why they couldn't visit (even after my son came out of hospital). I said that if transport was a problem, I'd happily come to them if it's easier but they would have to give me the nod first because I didn't feel it was right to turn up on their doorstep uninvited. Their response to that was silence.
It was very hard to come to terms with the fact that these people vanished en mass at such a time in my life when I needed friendly support and yes, I believe at that time, my lonliness did show and, what you said, drove them away because not all of them ignored me first, they just didn't accept my invitations but when I suggested going to them instead, they blanked me.
It's just so hard to handle mass rejection and it's not easy when individuals do it to me now. I's not something I've learned how to overcome and I know I should. I guess I'm directionless in that respect.
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#2465 - 08/15/05 04:59 PM
Re: How to handle this?
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Member
Registered: 08/04/05
Posts: 17
Loc: United Kingdom
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quote: Originally posted by Dianne: If people were backing away from you, wouldn't you begin to inwardly question that maybe it was you? If she had sent me a nice email asking me what was wrong I would have probably just continued having some kind of relationship with her but like most of our phone conversations, she was insulting. I think life is just too short to spend time with insulting, know it all people.
I've done this both with the en mass friends and the (ex)friend I mentioned earlier. It really doesn't work (for me anyway). What I find is that people want to avoid uncomfortable situations and will either lie about the reasons or ignore you completely than to be honest with the one asking the questions. It's not like I was being aggressive in either body language or verbalisations when I've asked the question if I'd done/said something wrong so, upto a point, I can understand why someone would lie, they didn't want to hurt my feelings, yet those who didn't want to lie just the silence path. Either way, some of us, deep down, know we're either being lied to or avoided and would appreciate peoples honesty.
Anyway, I've waffled on enough so I'll leave it here.
Itza [ August 15, 2005, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: Itza ]
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