It's sad for me to think about my friends...the people I am closest too--live the furthest away!

My "best friend" since I was 17 (that would be 23 years!) who lives 40 minutes away from me....has changed so drastically over the past 2 years, that I don't even know her anymore.

She was having marital problems and her answer was having an affair. And that ruined her life.
She got involved with a man who still mentally/emotionally and more than likely physically abuses her. (I can't be suure, because he doesn't allow her to see me! And I won't go to her house because he is there.)

She doesn't understand why everyone is out to get her. Why everyone doesn't agree with her. I have no guilt because I wrote her a letter and told her everything---and I rid myself of the guilt--the anger--everything.

She has 2 children. CPS has been called 2x. They could be taken away at any given moment. Her ex offered to take the kids until she got her life back together.

She "works" for the loser she got involved with.
There is sooooo much more to this story concerning him!!!

She is out to get her soon to be ex husband. She
has turned everything around and is blaming his girlfriend for stealing him. She is using the kids for revenge.

She tried to involve me 2 wks ago & I refused to play into her games. We saw the kids for the first time in over 2 years--and her youngest wanted to sleep over our house and wouldn't stop hugging my husband & I--telling us how he loved us. He begged to come back to see us again.

I have pretty much accepted that she lost her mind and won't be returning to this planet anytime soon! When she hopefully does one day--I am willing to resume a friendship. I can not be a friend right now--because she isn't much of one to me. She isn't the same person she once was. I have no energy & also fear for my safety to be in her life right now.

It's just a shame that 23 years meant nothing. I tried to see it from her point of view---but can't. I have lost respect for her---how can you not put your children first? How can you let a man control you? Ruin you? I just can't grasp that.

Oh well.
No more rambling!!!

KAY B I am going to try to answer this post as being on the outside looking in.

You said,

quote:

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"She got involved with a man who still mentally/emotionally and more than likely physically abuses her."...

---

Do you mean that her X was the same way? Maybe your friend is so beat down, that she cannot function like she should?

You said,

quote:

---

"She doesn't understand why everyone is out to get her. Why everyone doesn't agree with her. I have no guilt because I wrote her a letter and told her everything---and I rid myself of the guilt--the anger--everything."

---

... I am not sure what you mean here. Would you mind elaborating what she means by everyone doesn't agree with her(you mean being with Him?) Was that what your letter was about?

You said,

quote:

---

"She has 2 children. CPS has been called 2x. They could be taken away at any given moment. Her ex offered to take the kids until she got her life back together."

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...Was CPS called because of how she was treating her children? Could you elaborate? Should they be called again? I will pray for them.

You said

quote:

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"I can not be a friend right now--because she isn't much of one to me. She isn't the same person she once was. I have no energy & also fear for my safety to be in her life right now."

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...KAY B, is it possible that she needs you now more than ever? No, don't go there if you don't feel safe, but couldn't you both set up a way to talk on the phone when he is not around.

You said,"

quote:

---

It's just a shame that 23 years meant nothing. I tried to see it from her point of view---but can't. I have lost respect for her---how can you not put your children first? How can you let a man control you? Ruin you? I just can't grasp that....

---

KAY B,Please respect the fact that I am replying to your post because I may help in some small way.
You may never know how much she needs you, but she does. She needs HER best friend of 23 years to be there for her, no matter what. She has lost respect for herself, so you cannot or should not.You don't have to see it from her point of view. Tell her you are there for her any time of the day or night and you are only a phonecall away. KAY, if we haven't lived the situation, we are all on the outside looking in. Look in with love, hope, understanding and prayer.

Love her because she is your best friend of 23 years.

Hope that she will see the light and come out of this/or stay and resolve all that is against her.

Understand that you don't know the whole situation yourself, you may have have only surface scratched what is really happening over there on a day to day basis.

Pray that you will not judge your friend because she is going through what is possibly the worse time in her life. Pray that she protects and cares for her children. Pray for their safety. Pray that your best friend and her children survives all of this...and have your open arms to run too.

I am praying as I write this, that you will reconsider leaving her ...just when she needs you most.

Dear Kay, That's what true friendships are all about...She needs to look back some day and say, "you didn't leave me...just when I needed you most"

My apologies if you feel I have overstepped any boundaries in replying. I have answered with the most genuine concern and respect.

Love
Andria

this is a great topic full of insightful and emotional reading...
since leaving home over 20 years ago to become a marine wife, i have come to love my friends as my family...that old (new?) adage about how good friends help you move whereas great friends help you move bodies applies in my life...a friend of mine who lost her husband in iraq while the rest of us waited to see if our husbands would come back (and in one piece) made reference to that adage as we all walked from the memorial service together...she was choking on tears and laughing at the same time...it was the real life version of that scene from "steel magnolias"...later the next month another friend's husband was shot in the head by a sniper so i drove to landstuhl where he stayed for less than 36 hours...she quit her job and made arrangements for her children and then met up with him at bethesda where he was awarded the purple heart and stayed for over 3 months...she was grateful that a friend could be with him here even though he wasn't conscious but i can't tell you the pain it causes that i can't be there with her as she has been conscious of every waking moment since that day almost a year ago...
these women are the cornerstones of my life and it kills me to be so far away from all of them but it has been this way everytime one of us moves, about every 3 years...we accept it, we keep up with each other just like sisters, and we have no problems making room for each other in our lives when one or more can get back to another...
my very best friend of over 20 years, a woman i met while working at southwestern bell before i was married, is the one i've talked to on the phone about every other night for as long as i've lived away from home...yes, our phone bills could be a bit much sometimes but thank goodness for the cell phones we had in the states with unlimited nights and weekends and now decent international rates...this same friend doesn't have email so the phone calls are must-haves...
i email almost constantly with the rest of my friends and we always make appointments for phone calls when one of us is having a tougher time than usual...
it's never a bother to do this, it's more of a building resentment with this way of life...

while i've made several acquaintances here, i've made no friends...as i look back over the last two years i can see that i've made that choice deliberately although i tried to stay open to friendship...with less than a year left here, i honestly see no point in it...what i would gain would be outweighed by the inevitable goodbye...
the pain of leaving my friends has only grown more tiresome just as it has for them...as we left our last duty station to come here, one friend mentioned that it was the first time she'd been left, that she was always the one to move before...we all knew it was a different kind of pain as the rest of us had left and been left, and we could see how difficult the newness was for her in her face...

i would do anything for these women and they for me...i don't speak metaphorically as we have done things for each other most friends aren't called upon to do...we help "her", no matter who of us is "her"...we do our damndest to help her shop to replace her entire household shipment because it was lost somewhere between okinawa, japan and camp lejeune NC while her husband is not even a week into yet another 6 month deployment that would later be extended not once but twice -- never minding that you can't replace the quilt her grandma made just for her or any of the drawings her kids had made; go with her to the local jail to bail her problem child out and help make arrangements for him/her because the child is no longer allowed on base; keep her upright as they give her a folded flag in place of her husband...

we've learned to keep all photographic negatives and baby boxes on our persons when we travel from station to station; to keep money earmarked for emergency travel back "home" which in most cases has become whereever they are more than where my original family is; to keep several clocks on the wall, all set to the time zones of each other; to drop everything when one of us calls the other no matter the time of day or night because we'd only call if it was too much for any one of us to handle for that first hour...


i would wish for anyone to have as deep, abiding, and loving a friendship as i have with these women but God knows it has come at a great cost to all of us -- or perhaps those costs are why we are all so close...i think it's both...

Beautifully put MsDiana...I want to personally thank you for sharing the depth of your friendships. I want my entire life to be surrounded by people like YOU.

JJ

msdiana, you and your friends have it all figured out. How beautiful. Life is about relationships and love and you all seem to live by that. I commend you. I felt the warmth of those friendships in your words. You're all so blessed to lift each other up during such difficult times.

P.S. I'm sure we'd all love an application if you all ever have an opening in your circle of friends. Wink!

Lynn, thanks for sharing another perspective. That's so important!

msdiana, you and your friends have it all figured out. How beautiful. Life is about relationships and love and you all seem to live by that. I commend you. I felt the warmth of those friendships in your words. You're all so blessed to lift each other up during such difficult times.

P.S. I'm sure we'd all love an application if you all ever have an opening in your circle of friends. Wink!

Lynn, thanks for sharing another perspective. That's so important!

Hey,
I.ve got some good news about old friends
Sunday I'm dragging my husband to New york state to see my oldest-longest lasting and bestest friend.
Mia b and I met in 3rd grade and we grew up together- did all the girly things and fell for the same guys but each gave them up because NOTHING came between the trouble twins.
We've gone through marriages, divorces kids illnesses and even if sometimes we don't see each other for years we burn up the phone lines and the web
Tho 100s of miles apart we'd leave at 3am should one of us scream NOW!!
I have neighbors and coworkers and hi-how are ya semi-buds here but this woman is my friend for life
And Sunday afternoon if you feel the world shake- it's because the trouble twins are having a reunion!

I really rambled on in my post!!!

To start...my friend's ex NEVER EVER abused her in any way! They fought--and words were exchanged--but he never treated her in any manner the way her new "boyfriend" does!

I have tried over and over and over with her. I have suggested she try this or that...I have listened to her...over and over and over.

I realized I couldn't help her until she was ready to help herself......and the guilt--the anger towards her---was gone.

She got involved with this man. The things she has told me--I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She changed from day to night.

She was no longer allowed to speak to anyone without HIM listening. She wasn't allowed to see anyone. She cut all her friends and family off.

She told me how he treated her. What he said to her. What he made her do.

I tried things the nice way. I tried things the nasty way. I went to her parents. I begged and pleaded with her.

This man moved in with her. He didn't pay a penny.
She "worked" for him. And of course never got paid. This man stole money from her ex. This man "talked" her into cashing in her life insurance & 401K plans. His kids moved in. She had to leave when his wife came to visit. Oh--did I forget he's married and she lives in another state?

Somehow she came semi to her senses. He moved out.
But she is still involved with him. His wife was told of the affair. HE BLAMES HER. EVERYTHING HE DID IS ALL HER FAULT.

Now that her ex has a girlfriend--she is playing the victim. Saying the ex was cheating on her w/ the girlfriend all along. Saying girlfriend stole ex from her. Causes all sorts of trouble for them.

She is not the same person who I became friends with. I guess it still bothers me. I have tried over and over and over again.


Her ex is fighting for the kids. He keeps full tabs on them---and records of things said. He had no idea what was going on in that household. He does now.

I know I can't understand what an abused woman must being going thru. Her situation was one where she had other choices. She just couldn't see that. She picked what she told you about--and after awhile you didn't know if she was lying or not.

I know I do not want to lose her as my friend. It has just gotten so out of control, that nobody knows which way is up anymore.

I am in need of my best friend right now & instead get this stranger. It just gets me really mad. And sad.

I will never give up her. But for the time being space is needed.

Kay,
I think you are right to leave this "friendship." It sounds like this woman is trying to manipulate you and she is also 'dumping' her self made problems on you.

The Bible says "love others as you love yourself" and sometimes you have to love yourself enough to save yourselffrom a toxic relationship.

I had a similar friend. She was a PhD professor at a local university and she simply went nuts. She would call me up at all hours of the day and night to tell me all kinds of abusive things the guy she wasn't married to, but lived with, did to her.
I would be all upset and angered then she would stalk her way back to him and swear I was imagining things and that she hadn't even said anything about his abuse. She would call saying she was coming over and then call repeatedly from near his house. She was stalking him and it was ruining her career as well as her life. And she wanted me to watch.

I know that the advocates for abused wives may view your friend and my ex friend as victims of abuse, and I know from personal experience how difficult it is to get out of an abusive relationship, but in the same way her guy is abusing her, this woman was abusing you. You had to save yourself.
Maybe the friendship will return, but for now I would pronounce it DOA
smile
smile

You know I am one that tells women to cut their loses and get out if in harms way, when they are the ones being used and abused. Kay it sounds to me like you are the one now being used and abused (in your heart & soul) by this old friend. I think distance is the best thing here. If she comes around to her old self great, all's well but if not maybe you need to begin to cultivate another new friend. I see no reason to be abused just because its a women not a man doing it. Both hurt and damage us just the same. This is simply another outlook on your situation.