When parents begin failing, who should be in charge of their care? I'm sure there's a medical power of attorney, but in big families, like mine, we tend to all get involved and no person in particular is in charge. It doesn't work, but I don't think that if one of my sibs took charge, all of us would listen anyway. Maybe we're all too strong-willed?

Anyone experienced this before?

Dotsie, this is one of those; - you're damned if you have a large family, and you're damned if you don't.

I'm in the opposite situation. I have no one. Absolutely no one else to help me care for my mother. Sometimes I cry on the way to the hospital, make a happy face when I'm with her, and then cry on the way back. Just to share the concerns and grief would be such a help. On the other hand, if sibblings are competing as to how things should be done, or what should be done etc....well, I don't think I could take that kind of additional stress either.

How about if you make designated days as to who should care for the father? I would think that way you don't get in each other's way.

My mother is in terrible pain right now. She is suffering from a collapsed spine. Good Lord, never even knew about these kinds of things, that are apparantly quite common in the elderly. They kept her 3 hours in the emergency room. She was a little bundle of grief, when they rolled her back into her room. But still, her face lit up when she saw me. That's all that matters. If I can just give her a little joy, if I can just distract her a bit from her pain,...that's really all that matters.

Good question, Dotsie.

My partner had power of attorney for his mother's financial stuff and her medical care while she was living in Canada. HIs brother lives in the U.S. She did live with him and his family for about 2 years before moving back to Canada.... because of health care cost realities.

She was Canadian after all. So it made no sense for her to spend her final years in the U.S.

I'm sorry to hear about the latest re your mom, EW. It must be difficult to see her suffer.

Dotsie, when I USED to work in education, I was in charge of safety. Among other things, it meant designating one person to be in charge of any given situation. It did not mean making all of the decisions, but rather find and name the right go to person for each situation.

We used the same model when caring for my mother last year. I was in charge of her medical and housing needs, but would clear any ideas of my sibs. I always had a preferred choice, and generally they would go along. This way, everyone had a say, but only one person was making the final decision. My sister, on the other hand, was in charge of the finances - again, she would give us the story, what she felt was the best choice and we would all chime in. My brother would mainly add suggestions, which we would consider, and incorporate if appropriate.

There were only 3 of us, so it was easier than with a large family.

It worked perfectly for us. No fights, no battles, no resentment later on - we all knew our roles and we stuck with decisions once they were made.

Edelweiss, I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to watch the ones you love deteriorate. My love is with you. Dotsie, my love is with you, also. How is dad?

There is no doubt elder care brings up worries..I had this as a young wife..and it is totally overwhelming.

I hear of sudden unexpected deaths..and those whose lives need support in the final years..no matter how we are called to cope..
EW I send hugs and wish I could help even to sit in your car while you visit..
and Dotsie it must be difficult even when there are many others..

we see two sides of the coin in your posts ladies..

Dotsie and Edelweiss I'm sorry to hear of your concerns and
difficulties with the elder care issue. I don't know. My folks' used to say, "one dad can take care of 11 kids, but 11 kids can't
care for 1 dad." These past 5 years I've dealt my friend being
in a nursing home. But none of her steps go to see her; I'm the
only person that visits her any more. So I don't have any answers for you; just want you know I understand what you're
going through. Prayers and blessings,

Thanks everyone. MA, I would just love to have you sitting by my side in the car. What a comforting thought.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

Anno, your family sounds so functional. Good for you.

We went through a rough patch, but things have begun to work themselves out, but still with no one specific person in charge. We'll just keep on trucking along, peacefully, I hope!

Edelweiss, I don't know how you manage being the only person caring for your mom right now. Do you feel like it's a burden, or are you grateful to do so? You don't have to answer. I know you have a brother in the US. Is he always in agreement with you?

How's Mom? Is she still in the hospital?

Dotsie, I wish I had a sister to share the visits with. I think it's more of a burden to do this all alone. I am so lucky, though. I hired a very nice lady, who visits my mother 2-3 times per week. They get along very well,..so she has become my right hand. I don't think I would feel so "burdened" if my husband would give me moral support. He never visits my mother with me, or even asks me how my mother is doing. I resent that so much, but I can't change him. I'm finally coming to terms with it. My brother gives me moral support. We write almost every day. He does what he can from the distance, but ofcourse leaves everything up to me. I also have the power of attorney.

Mom is out of the hospital. Those pain drugs confuse her big time. But they are taking her off them. Hopefully the worst is behind her.

Glad things have calmed down in your home front, Dotsie. Yup,..that's family for you; - love and war. ugh.