Does anyone have one of those? If so, how do you deal with it??

(It's not a "belief" thing..just a personal "thing".)

For any holidays??

I must admit I would be disappointed if my partner didn't want to do any holidays at all. Like not even share in some Christmas-equivalent goodwill holiday? Or some cultural equivalent to thxgiving?? Every culture has a harvest celebration. Every.

For instance, I don't expect my partner to get /feel excited about Chinese New Year's. But then I don't make much of it either. Just a bigger dinner. I eat a certain sweet.

No we don't do hallowe'en at all. If we did, it would be for children.

Valentine's as i mentioned elsewhere is very low-key.

In a way I can understand it. Holidays are manipulated and controlled, often for one thing; get the money rolling.

But then again, you can celebrate low key, just for yoursef and your spouse; especially if it makes the other one happy. That's what it's really about. Sharing a certain day in a special way; a day that is not like all the rest of the 365 days.

How would I deal with it? I'd tell him, he should just fake it,...go through the motions for my sake, and make me happy. If he won't do it;...then I would do something with friends or family and leave him home alone.

Thank you for your replies!

A friend just asked me "any plans for V'day?" No, never are any. It's like when someone asks me if I have children...same thing, no. Then I feel worse.

Maybe I need to "get over" this "needing a gift" thing. But all the years growing up, Mom and Dad always celebrated stuff: Birthdays', V'day, Easter, Christmas. DH does not. Suppose it's my fault, too. Then when I get HIM something, he says I do it to make him feel bad since I know he did not get me anything.

Can't win!!

GUILT the selfish, inconsiderate man. Next time, like this Valentines Day, say, "oh thats okay," when there is no gift, then say "when I'm dead maybe then you will put a flower on my grave." And just walk away, head down...

I guess I am looking more for those who already HAVE spouses that do not "remember" birthday's, V'day, Christmas etc. Not so much "bashing my man!"!! LOL!!

Di, actually during the first few years with dearie, I forgot Valentine's Day. I think it was partially the fact that I was single for so long (I met him when I was 31) that I never celebrated Valentine's Day except as a kid. Therefore when I was single, I never felt sad nor left out. I didn't pay attention to Valentine's Day at all. Certainly no one in my family expects anything on that day. Christmas and birthdays more..but quite hit and miss.

But now he and I each casually will buy a card, a small sweet or something inexpensive for Valentine's Day. Some years there has been candles at home, wine. Other years not. Hey, I celebrate my birthday 2 wks. before Valentine's Day. I'm sure some lovestruck teens spend way more money than he and I for Valentine's DAy.

Ok,...without gettin' into embarrassing details, how do you 2 celebrate and for what? Is there a ritual event that happens at certain times of the year for each other that both of you celebrate together? Could you 2 start with that instead?

As an afterthought: You know, i don't recall my parents giving each other noticeable gifts to one another much at all...gift-giving is cultural. But clearly we knew they "gave" to each other by doing things for each other, etc.

Di, my comments weren't meant to bash your man, well maybe just a little, LOL!!! But this tactic works! I have had three very different husbands and I've tried it myself and from that day forward I was given thoughtful little gifts by the one husband who wasn't a celebrator of holidays either.

Celebrate? No celebrating here. Well, maybe when we win a game of Cribbage.....it brings a "Saturday Night Fever Dance".

Yes, I know Chatty. I like the "just fake it" thing.....he does NOT do well with "guilting".

This is a tough one for sure. I agree with Edelweiss: either tell him a small gesture means a lot to you or plan something fun with friends, family, or even just yourself. You don't need to try and guilt him but if he just refuses to get involved I don't see where you need to strip your life of the celebrations you like to punctuate the year. My husband does do holidays (he's not perfect at this) but there are some things I have had to learn just aren't going to happen. So I do it myself if it's that important.

Plan now to do something nice for yourself this weekend. Have lunch with a friend, go to a movie, and get yourself a nice little bouquet. You deserve it and certainly aren't asking for too much.

Thanks. Ellen. I may just go "out" myself if he does not, at least, SAY something.

Di...have you read the book 'the five love languages?' If you and your husband could do this, he'd see that one of your languages is receiving gifts (which comes from celebrating holidays together)...a big one of mine, too.
I'd asked and asked and asked and do for him what I'd like have done for me...he still didn't get it. I just got more hurt feelings. When I learned of this book he and I read it together and almost instantly he understood my language and began responding to it. I knew his as well and some of the things I'd done for him in the past, he could have cared less because it wasn't HIS language. I just thought I was doing something wrong.
If your sweetie is open to reading this very small book it will open his eyes big time and if he cares, he'll understand your needs and act on them. Larry's very, very open to books that help us communicate better....he's the one who first introduced them to our relationship and I thought that was so cool.
Part of Larry's inaction was laziness and part of it was fear of me not liking what he picked out...I told him I'd love whatever he gave me because it came from him...that has helped and he really tries and is so much better than he used to be.
Word of advice...if you have a future-daughter-in-law, don't send any self-help-book to her or your son even though they've both told you about major problems they're having, because once the DIL sees it she will hate you for the rest of your life and eject you from their lives.

There are some great ideas here. I have another.

Have you ever talked to him honestly about this? I think that if he knows how much it means to you, he might make an effort. And if he does, don't find fault, but rather, praise him and thank him for any effort at all.

My sweet Larry is working on Valentie's day so we had ours today...he gave me a beautiful pair of Saphire earrings...wow, I was blown away. I'm babysitting my neighbor's children and we got cards and put them in Larry's lunch box. Larry's not a chocolate person so I bought a box of chocolates, took them out (for me later and filled the box with candies he does like. I added this box with the cards as a surprise in his lunchbox...the kids were thrilled and it will give him something to open tomorrow.
Katy and Coley's parents are having a date night and I volunteered to let the kids spend the night...we had such a good time. Mr. Larry (as they call him) helped Coley put together a train set...it was so cute, while Katy and I did girl stuff. I finally got the kids to sleep while reading them Charlotte's Web...it reminded me of my own kids when they were little and I would read them to sleep. It has been a wonderful day.

So far, all I got is a "oh, is it Valentine's Day?"

Let's see how the day progresses.

Dee, I loved reading your post...you are so sweet and thoughtful...your Larry is a lucky guy...sounds like he knows that though..Sapphire earrings!!! Woo Hoo...you go girl!!!

AvalonBlondi...you're so sweet, too...I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.
Di...keep us posted on your Valentine's Day...I hope they get better...maybe he's saving a surprise for later in the day...(fingers crossed)!!!

Well, I don't expect anything. I gave him my very lovely card and the DVD from "the dogs". He appreciated it and just thanked me.

Oh, well, It's my fault I guess. If someone WANTS to give a gift, they will. Guess he does not want to. Oh well.....I'd better not think more highly of myself than I ought to! If I want something THAT badly, I'll get it myself. Ho hum.

Di, it's not thinking too highly of yourself to expect your spouse to surprise you with something. I'm sorry sweetie...sending you lots of hugs...
Tell you what...why don't you call the floriest and order yourself a big bouquet of flowers and have them delivered...from a secret admirer!!!
Happy Valentine's Day anyway!

My valentines gift was a bag of Hershey's kisses tossed in my lap on his way in from the grocery store. I just remind myself that at least he did go do the grocery shopping and then washed 3 loads of clothes while he watched races on TV. So I guess it is all a matter of trade-offs. I put a lot of effort into remembering to be grateful for what he does and remembering how much I hate the grocery store and washing clothes. I look at those as my 'love gifts' and when the longing for the rest of the package starts have learned to be content with the parts of the package I do have.

Greene...I think you deserve more BUT if you are happy, that's all that matters. Sending you hugs!!!

Di, my hubby and I don't do much on holidays. I have more "stuff" than I need, and cards can cost $5 sometimes - and then do you keep them, toss them?

I think it's more important to me if he does the little stuff, like surprise me with a hug from behind while I'm cooking dinner, or tell me how nice I look as I'm heading out for a meeting. Granted, he doesn't do much of this often, but it feels great when he does.

He doesn't like to express his feelings, and we've been together for more than 30 years. He told me once, "I love you, and if I ever change my mind I'll let you know" It's really hard for him to say 'I love you', for some reason, or to show any feelings at all.

I have learned that he does the best he can and my biggest gratitude is that he accepts me with all my mood swings and new job ideas, and getaways with the girls. The day to day is more important than the holiday, for us.

Plus, I'm kind of a tightwad. I don't do expensive jewelry becaues I'm afraid I'll lose it, and flowers are lovely when you get them, until you get the credit card bill for $60 the following month. I guess I'm not much of a romantic either, so maybe we're a good match overall. If I tried to 'guilt' him into doing something or buying a gift for me, I wouldn't like to know he only did it for that reason. If he does get me something or do something for me, he does it from his own heart, not from guilt feelings I've put on him.

It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round, doesn't it? Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!

K

Dancing Dolphin...Happy Valentine's day dearest...sending you hugs and hearts.

We still have such cards displayed from 2 yrs. ago. Pathetic, eh? But hey, they do cost money but have cute messages. The spirit is still there with the giver of card.

I remember my parents being amused when as children, we asked them if they would give each other Valentine's D. gifts. Of course, that day is foreign to them.

From mouths of babes that is an innocent question, if we didn't notice already how much they were giving to each other daily.

So we went to a gourmet French-style cafe and he treated me to a little gourmet cake and he had his.

Then for tonight I bought 2 gourmet venison and blueberry sausages for supper, just on impulse. He suggested he make a red pepper and tomato balsamic vinegar salad-like thing. i dunno. Another creation of his which will be fine.

So that's our modest Valentine's Day.

that's great you got sapphire earrings, Dee. If I got such a gift, I would seriously wonder when I would wear them. I'm not attending soirees nor am a society gal. I occasionally love getting super dressed up in party dress, but he's not into that (he hates wearing suits now that he doesn't work for a big corporation) and most of our friends....are cyclists. So pretty down to earth group.

Orchid...what a lovely day and what a lovely thing that your husband cooks...and what a wonderful meal...you two sound so loving and so sweet. Your down-to-earth day sounds perfect!!!

Thank you Dee! You're a sweetie. I know I would like to have more impulsive little surprises, not necessarily on holidays but all the time. But my hubby doesn't seem to operate that way and I guess I'm kind of used to it at this point. I quite often end up treating myself.

Hey, can you post a pic in those cute earrings!?

Love comes in many forms and is shown in many ways...the most important thing is that we are loved for who we are.
I'll ask my buddy Edelweiss if she'll post a photo for you...IF I can get my camera to focus on these things...Happy Valentine dearest one...hugs and hearts.

How fun to hear what makes us all tick.

We exchanged cards with written messages added. Every year is different for us. Sometimes we've gone for a nice dinner, spent the night in town, or made a fancy dinner at home. Sometimes we do gifts, sometimes not, but we figure out what we're doing ahead of time. As long as we're on the same page, we're happy.

This year we are knee deep in eldercare and moving Ross back into his office since the fire from September 11th, 2008!

We slept in since we were going to the contemporary service at 5:30, he went to visit his dad while I visited mine, we had lunch together at home, bought candy and took it back to the people caring for his dad, went to church, then had dinner that was prepared by my daughter and her beau. It was a pleasant day.

Dee, I wish I had a neighbor like you when I was raising my children! How sweet to keep them for the night.

Dotsie...you have such a wonderful life...always positive, always challenging but achieveable and alwasying loving. And your children are beautiful...what a success story.
What's neat is they now call me Mamaw. what a hoot!

Hope it's okay to say this. Groovy has an extremely smart
spouse. He doesn't do Valentine's Day. Says it commercialized
and just made up for businesses to make money. Nope. He doens't
do it. So she and I exchanged gifts. There!

Men? I really wonder what makes some of them tick!

Dancing Dolphin, I so agree with every word you wrote above, it could have come right from my own heart. The little things are the best all year long, and I feel the same about cards and jewelry, and I always have. It is so good to see you posting here again.

We have a very small local jeweler who Larry's known since they were kids...he makes a lot of his own jewelry and made my earrings. Instead of purchasing from a large chain of jewelers, Larry likes to go to Andress' to find things for me. Larry's son, Grady, goes there for his wife, Michelle...birthday's, Christmas, etc. It's nice to support the local folks especially if they have a really good reputation...and in this economy we know they appreciate it.
My dad always brought us candy hearts filled with Candy and supported all the holidays...we loved it and it made us feel so special...so I grew up enjoying those times...I still like those times and love giving the neighbhood munchkins hearts filled with candy.

My husband has always been sweet and thoughtful of me on Holidays..even though I feel like he thinks some of it is silly he loves me and wants to make me happy . I recently had a conversation with my 33 year old son regarding this subject...after years of dating many girls he has finally met the girl of his dreams..he made a comment to me that he thinks Valentine's Day is contrived and silly and he would just like to forget about it...my advice to him was this:

When you love someone it should give you pleasure to make them happy, to fulfill some of their desires and dreams even though they seem silly to you ..so my suggestion my Darling Son is to go out and buy your girl a Valentine's card , at the same time pick up a heart shaped box of candy and a bouquet of flowers..you will make her feel special and loved and in turn she will think you are the most romantic man in the world and shower you with appreciation and love....

My son followed my advice and this morning I received an email from him that read:

"Thank you for your wise advice Mom..My girl was so happy and never stopped smiling all weekend...and you are right.it was so easy to celebrate the day ...seeing her incredibly happy from just a small gesture makes me understand why you were always stressing thoughtfulness when we were growing up...the payback is terrific!"

I think alot of men are just so grounded in reality that romance is a foreign language..but it makes me angry...when you love somone and you know it's in your power to make them happy by saying I love you or sending them a card...do it for goodness sake...why would you hold back love?? The little gestures..the I love you's don't cost much.. I guess that's why books like "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" have been written.

Nancy...wow...congratulations with guiding your son in such a wonderful direction and hopefully, he'll keep this up. I'm so proud of you!!!
What a wonderful story!!!

Isn't he the same husband who built your soap selling display unit? etc. The same guy who also tries hard for his adult children? Am I remembering things right?

I would agree "guilting" a person doesn't work. But given a choice between a faithfully nice guy and a guy with occasional flashy romantic gifts but no follow-through on daily giving, I'll take the first type.

You're right, Orchid. Now I am embarrassed. As soon as I read this, I gave him a kiss and thanked him for all he does...including the cup of tea he just made me.

Thank you for being so forthright with me. I needed that!

Di...this subject isn't about the other days of the year...it is about our partner taking the time to do something 'special' on a 'special day' in which cards/chocolate/flowers/gifts/dates, etc. are part of Valentine's day.
Some partners do great. others' don't care. And then others are too lazy and dont' want to be be bothered. Our spouses fall into one of these categories.
To me it's important and I let my hubby know that. The good thing about my hubby is he responded and that says so much about him and how he feels about me. Larry's biggest deal was he just didn't like 'taking the time', but he now does because I've reminded him of all the things that I take the time to do for him every day...We women don't ask for much...but on certain occasions I think it's important to do these things...If it's not in your culture, that's fine.
To have a bag of hersheys kisses thrown in their spouses lap and told 'happy valentine's', even larry said that was pretty insensitive. That was not cool at all.
Just my opinion.

What Orchid says is true Di, but don't you dare feel embarrassed. You are a good wife, and you work your tail off right along side this man building a life and very good business. It isn't unusual to feel left out when a special occassion arrises, you're a normal woman after all, not a saint... It takes each one to show their love and dedication to the others needs...

Dotsie may have the answer, talk to him nicely about your feelings and see what he says. It can't hurt!

Well, the day is over now, I'm not gonna dwell on it. But I do hear so much of what others' husbands have done for friends, and I can't help to feel a tiny bit jealous.

I'm like DD, I do not like flowers that die. One year he brought me a beautiful, tall jewelry box...about 14 years ago. Our "first" V'day..then that was it. Period, the end of THAT!! It's all worn off now I guess. Yet I love my little piece of furniture!

He thinks I'm "high maintenance" and WAY too needy. So he prob thinks I don't deserve "more". I don't know. There's more to this than I care to share here...so I've learned to, sorta, live with it.

But I know I gave HIM something.....which is what was important for ME. If I am not that important to HIM to at least "fake it", as someone mentioned, well, what can I do, ya know.

My birthday is in a few months.......last time my sister sent me a coat as a gift and all I did was tell him 'bout it. He said "are you trying to rub it in my face that I did not give you something"? Geesh! He's getting old/cranky and intolerable at times...yet, I still love the guy!! Can't explain it!! He does so much for me/us, honestly. And he is working on his "crankiness".

Di..Your husband sounds like a faithful , hardworking guy...next time he makes you a cup of tea, try giving him a big kiss and say"I'm so lucky that you are my guy...I love all of the little things you do to spoil me..." or something to that effect...and when the time for your birthday draws near...try saying..." Dear I know birthdy's aren't exactly your thing because I can be difficult to find a gift for...but I saw a beautiful handbag (for example) that I would love to have...would you like to give me that for my birthday this year? That will take the pressure off and you will get what you want...Most Men just don't think the way we do..sometimes we have to steer them in a certain direction and then praise them for it...it's not fair I know..but that is the way the male brain works..thank goodness for sisters and girlfriends...:)

Dee..Thanks for the compliment...my son is a really good guy...and his girlfriend is such a treasure...I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll make her his bride .

The 1 thing I remember most about my adoptive father, is how he
would go and buy my mom the biggest, prettiest box of candy
he could find. He'd get her a huge red heart full of chocolates.
They were married over 60 years. And the older I get, the more
I admire both my adoptive folks and my maternal grandparents.
What great people! I dreamt about my adoptive cousin last night.
That family was biggest-hearted humans' on the face of the earth!

Jabber...what a beautiful story...your mom was blessed by such a loving, thoughtful man.