Hi everyone,

I'm in love with a very nice guy and we've been together for over 6 months. I don't have many issues with him because we've been able to discuss them and work things out. The main problem I have is his 21 year old son who came back home from living with his mother, who lives 2000 miles away. She must have been babying him for those years.

I've seen my guy making excuses for his son and the main one is that his mother had an affair and deserted the family. He's the only kid. This young man is hurting there's no doubt about that and came back after being gone for 5 years - he wants to relive his childhood with daddy.

I've reached a point where I want to back off and feel that I don't want hitch my wagon to a guy if I'm going to get an extra passenger. I'm concerned this kid will be mooching indefinitely.

In a nutshell, he treats this kid like he was 14 and he acts like he's 14 too. He's a kind kid, and is loyal, has a good heart, but what good is that when he can't function in society without daddy?

Anyhoo, sorry for this long post. Have any of you had any experience with getting rid of a moocher?

Since some boomer women here do have some adult children living at home/returning to live at home temporarily (which I'm not in that situation), maybe more meaningful info. before we give our opinion at length:

Presumably the child appears to be mooching because: he is not working / contributing abit of money to household expenses; does not do some household chores??

Kid's personality sounds like a good base (ie. no drugs,violence, anger management problems at this time).

Based on what happened to me and siblings when we were at that tender age, all of us were generally hardworking teens that grew into university kids who all held down a part-time job/summer job to help supplement our educational grant tuition and other costs. We were probably your model teens/young adults (with all sort of normal fits of rebellious anger).

We knew our hard our parents worked to sacrifice their dreams for us. They were and still are low-income level group.

Yet, dear mother still had to gently ask us after we graduated from university, got our first jobs, for abit of money to pay some household expenses where we lived in a house of theirs. They STILL had to ask us to get off our lazy butts to cut the lawn, etc. and other base chores to fulfill our parents' absentee landlord responsibilties.

A child needs to transition to adulthood by having the parent ask..now to help out with household chores, etc. You need to chat up with your BF about this and it's best he as the father, provide direction to son. You're just GF to the son.

The ball is in your court if you choose to live under the same roof with BF (if you are) or live closeby elsewhere while still have a great relationship with BF.

This will take time for son to change and also for father-son relationship to grow poistively without undue dependency.

well said, Orchid.
If this is your only objection to this man, I wouldn't toss him out over it.

Daisygirl, my two sons, especially the younger one, seemed to stagnate at the age of 17…till they were about 27-28. They were so childish and irresponsible…especially the younger one…I thought they would never grow up.

But they did.

I just want to say that I think it’s normal for sons to grow up later than daughters. And if he’s been separated from his dad for 5 years, they do have a lot of catching up to do.

Maybe, as someone suggested you should take time out, and allow father and son to reconnect.

If everything else is good, then hold on to this guy. And it is a positive character trait if he is a good father.

Thank you for your responses. I have been discussing this with BF, and he feels guilty because they were apart for so long. I can understand why he feels that way and it's perfectly normal for father and son to exhibit this behavior. However, BF wants his son to be a man and he admires my son,(who is 35 and is a good dad, responsible, decent husband and good worker)- something needs to change or this kid won't become a productive member of society.

They've had a year together, well, 6 months until I came along. I don't want to wait for 5 years while they make up lost time.

We aren't living together, but I spend a lot of time at their house on the weekend. The son likes me and I like him, but I see trouble ahead if we end up together.

Anne, I'm pretty hard when it comes to keeping bad people out of my life, but since I trust this man, and believe he has good character, I want to have a softer heart. Without being stupid. I've met his friends, parents and have no reason not to go forward, except for this.

Anne, you raise the same questions I'm pondering myself. Have you ever heard of the one year rule - don't date a man until he's been divorced for 1 year? Well, I'm thinking I should have a 1 year rule for this kid being self supporting before I marry his dad.

The problem is this kid is rather self-centered and woe is him if anything goes wrong in his life. Talking to him is like talking to a 14 year old. I just learned that he was promoted at his job to manager. He'll get a .50 raise, which makes him at .50 above minimum wage. However, it does show that he's capable of working hard. But he asked to be off for a week for vacation and he's only had the job for 6 weeks, if that long. He doesn't have many friends because he moved 2000 miles away in high school and everyone has moved on. I digress. Thanks for listening. I do know I won't settle for another nightmare.

Since when do we consider a man 21 years old a kid? He is an adult and should be on his own. This is a fairly new relationship for you and if you are having doubts already, thats a RED flag. Have you spoken to your guy and stated your feelings? if not, do so, get things out in the open and get his reply. He may make the decision an easy one.

Baggage is baggage in any case.

Thank you guys. I have spoken to my guy about this and he says that he would not put up with him being a freeloader. Of course I realize saying is entirely different than doing.

I'm not thinking of marrying him tomorrow, but it has happened pretty quickly and I haven't felt all that comfortable with it.

It's good to be back in this caring and honest community.

good luck!
I might have my son back living with us, and he's 30!! EEEEK!!!
(I hope he gets a job and a new apt soon!!)

The fact that he is living with his dad doesn't bother me. But if you call him a mooch and a freeloader, that does bother me.

Many 21 year-olds and older are living with Mom and Dad, or Mom or Dad due to the economy. I know many college grads who are back home since graduating in the spring, and who knows how long it will be before they move out.

I do not consider a 21 year-old a mooch or freeloader if they are pitching in around the house, doing their share of the chores and working full time. I also think a lot has to do with his attitude. Is he respectful of his dad? Does he respect you?
Those are things I would be concerned with.