I totally agree with the "A"s mentioned earlier.

I've been married twice, and both men were unfaithful. So that is a HUGE, big, fat, hairy deal in my book.

Also if a man is needy, jealous and/or possessive. I've been alone for many years now, and have created a life that I love. He would have to be secure enough for me to pursue the interests and dreams that I have, even if they sometimes involved my being away from home without him.

Whirlwind

whirlwind, it's great seeing you again! Needy, jealous and possesive all say run the other way to me.

Hi all,

I am new to this site and posting for the first time. I find this subject very interesting. I was married to psychopath who was physically abusive and we got divorced in 1988. It was scary as he threatened to kill me and in fact lost his firearm license.

What gave me a measure of confidence to leave him was the fact that I had learnt to be very good with money and knew how to make it.

My experiences actually caused me to become a financial planner in my second career with a passion for working with women in transition because being smart with money is terribly empowering!

I am now happily remarried (6 years) after 15 years of being unmarried. What helped me choose my husband was a very good quote given to me by a woman 8 years ago. She said "Marry the life you want to lead". That stuck with me and helped me.

I spent 6 years alone during which time I didn't even date - just focused on discovering my true self. That helped me to know what kind of life and relationship I really wanted. Since I had had so much drama in the past with men, I wanted peace, harmony, fun, a best friend and plenty of personal space. I also wanted a man who handled his own finances well as I knew how much strife finances cause in relationships. I was not willing to settle for less.

I was visiting friends in the US (I had grown up in South Africa)and decided to do a free online dating trial. I met my husband almost immediately and we started talking on the phone for 5 weeks before meeting in person. We just clicked and have been together ever since. I have everything on my list in this marriage.

I believe that because I KNEW what I wanted, I attracted the right man for me. It all starts with knowing ourselves first however and that takes growth and pain.

Welcome Doris,
WOW, talk about having all your ducks in a row. Now thats the way to do it. I wish I had done it your way, but didn't and am still paying the price all these years later...

One day I hope to be free as well of all the garbage he left me with.

LOL, Anne, I had to respond to your post! Great observations. I too have noticed the men with whom I've become involved lack the emotional intelligence required for a successful pairing. I no longer think of men in terms of "must haves," as my must haves are independent of them. They are the ability to take care of MYSELF emotionally and financially. It took me a long time to learn this, and now having succeeded, I doubt there is a man in my future, and I'm fine with that.
Patty

Doris, what a great first inspirational post.

I've never heard that quote, and I love it. "Marry the life you want to lead." What do you think girls? Makes total sense to me.

Doris, there are other women here who have met their spouses online. Since I've been married to the love of my life for 29 years, I find it wild that couple are meeting online. The internet wasn't even around when I was dating. Can you say "married old fart" and loving it?

Dotsie,

I actually think there are some advantages to meeting a mate online. You can look at their profiles and just delete those that don't fit. You can "meet' many men without having to go through failed dates. It's not very different to blind dates.

I think the fact that I spoke to my husband for 5 weeks on the phone, helped me in getting to know him without the physical aspect getting in the way and being a distraction. We HAD to talk/communicate. If you are not desperate for a relationship (which is why I think it's so important to find yourself first)then you can listen closely to what they say and be more discerning. Obviously if you are desperate, you may only hear what you want to hear and that can be dangerous.

Hi,

I have all my ducks in a row now but I've had a real dramatic soap-opera-like life emotionally in the past. That's why I was so ready for a peaceful, harmonious relationship the 2nd time around.

I actually had the same woman interfere in all three of my major relationships in South Africa. This triggered off my inner growth and has now ended up in my book.

Getting your ducks in a row in the areas you can control such as how you manage finances and other non-emotional aspects of life, can go a long way in calming you down.

Dottie...I would LOVE to be a married old fart. That was my intent. But sometimes life just doesn't work out that way. I can tell you and Ross must have a great relationship.

Online dating IS wild to me and I've been divorced for years now. I guess it's no different than dating/match making services they had when I was a kid. I remember them advertised on TV, you signed up, they interviewed you, wrote up a profile and sent you on "interviews" with prospective dates. Still, online dating is not for the weak, the desperate, or the stupid LOL. You really have to know what you want: if it's just casual dating, to meet new people, or to find someone to have a real relationship/marriage with. There are just too many weirdos out there.

Doris, I so like your story and it sounds like you did get a good handle on yourself and took the time and effort to know yourself and what you wanted. That is so important.

I wish I had a way to convey your story to my SO's daughter. Long story but that girl is 33 and it alternately drives me insane to deal with her and breaks my heart because she is one of those "desperate" people. In her short time, she's been married once and has had 5 other partners. The current one? Recently separated, not even divorced. She moves just about every year to be with a new partner or to break up with a partner. Plus she's now a mom to a small 2-year tot. She finds men to help support her but when they don't "meet" all of her demands, she walks on them and has a replacement immediately. I just never know what to say to her.