After a year and a half of caring for our 2 and a half yr. old granddaughter, the first week was liberating and relaxing

But this week I’ve fallen into a slump. I dream about her little smiling face. I imagine hearing her calling “Oma”. Her scent of baby oil and powder still lingers in her room. Oh boy, this is not easy. I feel like I’ve lost my own baby daughter.

My son has told me she has been crying for me and her grandfather every night for hours. Then they came for a day, and she clung on to me for dear life. In her sweet little baby voice, she told me she cries for us and that she wants to live with us again. When the parents packed all her things, she asked what they are doing. They explained that her time at Oma’s and Opa’s house is over, and that she is living now with Mommy and Daddy. Once again, little “A’s” heart was breaking.

Of course I thought I was prepared for this; but not really. To make it worse, I mean really bad, is that the mother has an attitude. I think she is jealous. OMG, what does she expect? She hasn’t called once to let me know how “A” is doing this week. She and my son said that it is probably best if “A” doesn’t have any contact with us for the next 6 weeks. Maybe they are right. I don’t know. I always thought a slow transition is better…but my opinion doesn’t count;…only my service when they need it.

So, I sit here with a heavy heart, fighting tears of self pity back. I have written several letters to my DIL, which I never sent. I don’t want to beg her to keep contact with me; got my pride too. I expected a lot of things, but the last thing I expected was animosity from the mother. And this is the mother that didn’t call her daughter the last two months. This is the mother that extended her stay with the Olympic team another month and a half, although she wasn’t a part of them.

My son called me once from the car. “A” was in the car as well. He gave her the phone, and the first thing “A” said to me was

“Mommy is bad to me.”

“Why”, I asked. “What did she do?”

“She pulled my ears and hit me.”

Okay, I won’t dramatize this. “A” can be strenuous, but I can honestly say that I never used such disciplinary methods with her; not once in the year and a half. Her mother has not grown into rearing her child. After easy dormitory life and sleeping away her free time…she can’t seem to cope. It was good that my son heard his daughter tel me this. I’m sure he won’t stand for such measures, and has spoken to his wife about it.

What do you all think? Should I have a talk out with her…or just stay in the background. My son is doing everything possible to save the marriage in fear of losing his child. I don’t want to rock the boat, and then hear my son accuse me of interfering in their marriage. Sigh

Here we have given our all, and now get trodden on. Is there some biblical quote for this?

I'm sure there is Edelweiss, the bible has a quote for just about every situation.

My first reaction when reading this was 'shock' that your son is willing and wanting to keep his marriage together. That bi@#* deserted her child and he should have taken steps while she was gone to get a divorce and FULL custody...

Nothing is going to change , nothing! This woman is a real piece of work and someone needs to read her the riot act, but not you!!! You will never be allowed to see your grandbaby again if she becomes more hateful. Until (of course) you become useful again and believe me she won't want to play mother for very long. What a mess!

No biblical quote...my dear EW but in my heart I feel this is but a chapter in this story.Not a favourite chapter but nesessary for the whole book.
Hold tight and trust that the right outcome is presented.Being patient is hard.
I am a do..er...and waiting for me is difficult but I have been tested time and time again to prove to me that sitting tight and waiting is best in serious circumstances.
Its always darkest before the dawn..

Only quote I can muster is "This too shall pass"
Mountain ash

I have a feeling you will be called upon again... so rest up. In the meantime, while you're thinking positive, you could read up on what can be done if things go sideways again.
You don't know how much it means to us to have you back.!

HELLO - my PC keeps submitting with keystrokes... the ending of the last sentence above was to be "so we understand A missing you!"

I know you were worried about this happening. It is terrible that she treats you like this. You have been raising her child so she could go off and "follow her so called dreams." she is such and ungrateful person, not to mention selfish. I think Chatty's right. You can't be the one to put her in her place, because you could risk her keeping "A" from you altogether. It is a mess. Of course the child thinks of you as her parents, you have been raising her. You have been the one who has been there for her, not her mother. I think keeping her away from you for 6 weeks is ridiculous and must have come from the mother. She'll want your "services" again when it suits her.

I saw, with my own eyes, how much that little girl loves you and you her. Your d-i-l owes you a lot. She's a very selfish woman.

While you "sit tight" be good to yourself...go nice places and keep busy..it will sustain you until the time is right to discuss the future.And act if necessary
Your son wil be between a rock and a hard place so he will be going through a serious time.
I feel sure if the mother does something wrong A. will tell Daddy..watch out if she isnt telling but seems unhappy....he must act and sadly you two must wait.
So....where are you going today ? an art gallery ? a coffee shop ?

She is absolutely beautiful! I'm so sorry that your heart is so heavy. Glad that you've decided to take the sound advice of everyone here. As difficult as it may seem, you might also want to be very cordial to the mom right now. And especially be her "best friend" in the event it doesn't work out w/ your ds;)

Edelweiss, my heart aches for you. I've followed this entire journey (or in the words of Mountain Ash, the whole story thus far) and know how much you love A. The mother is being selfish and ungrateful. Unfortunately, at the moment, she holds all the power, and because she does, I would echo AdornmentsMilani.

We had a similar situation here; years ago, DIL made it almost impossible for us to see our granddaughter. When it finally seemed that there was nothing left to lose, I wrote a letter to them, reminding them of how much we loved them, of what a good father hubby had been, how valuable extended family are in so many immeasurable ways and how children need as much love in their lives as possible. I poured my heart out, trying not to be condemning or judgmental, but gently reminding them that family and loving relationships are more important than whatever it was that was keeping us apart. Even I was surprised that it worked; hubby's son was on the phone that night. That was about six years ago, and while the road has been a minefield at times, our relationship with them and the grandchildren has blossomed to the point where I don't think they would use the children as emotional blackmail again.

I don't know what would work in your situation, but I echo everyone else's assurances that "this too shall pass" and hang in there, don't burn any bridges - you want to be there when they - more specifically, A - need you again.

Hi ED2,
Little "A" is sooooooo beautiful! I understand your situation; I've been there. I have an Italian grand baby. She's the love of my life. But she lives in Italy. I don't see her very often. All these ladies give such excellent advice, I have nothing to add. I don't know which is harder: Being a mom or being a grandma. Both are the hardest jobs in the world. Hang in and hang on.
Prayers and blessings...

Well ladies, you have taken the wind out of my sail, so to speak. I will try the kind method. I agree; it brings one the furthest.

I wrote an email to my Dil/"A" today.

Hello sweet "A",

Daddy told me that you are going to Kindergarden ! That’s wonderful, and I am sure you will have so much fun and make many friends!

Oma and Opa miss and love you sooo much ! Say hi to your mommy and daddy from us too ! And if your mommy thinks it is allright, maybe you can give us a call and tell us about Kindergarden.


I sent this this morning. If I don't get an answer or call by tomorrow, then I really know where I 'm at.

I took you up on your advice, MA and went sailing today. Infact we found it very relaxing not to worry about "A" jumping around the boat or leaning out too far.

I agree Jabber, "all these ladies give excellent advice."

Eagle your posts get under the skin and are so wise. Interesingt that you had a similiar experience, and the kindness method worked. Thank you for your comforting words as well, AdornmentsMilan. It's very special getting to know you.

...................

Ed2,
That was a nice note. Hope she answers in the same flow of love!
Prayers and blessings,

Finally! We heard little "A’s" voice on the phone; 8:00 this morning. She sounded so lost, and so far away. And she started to cry bitterly, "I want to go home. I want to go to Oma and Opa."

My DIL took the phone and said we better hang up. Afterwards I wrote an email to my DIL suggesting that we come every few days to see Anaiya. It doesn't have to be in their apartment. Somewhere neutral, like a playground would be fine. The main thing is that Anaiya isn't separated so abruptly from us. That she sees we are still a part of her life and haven’t discarded her like a piece of waste.

I know if I were a child, I would rather have a slow transition than being torn from one family and placed into another. I hope and pray my DIL agrees with me. It was just awful hearing Anaiya cry so desperately for us.

Meredith, the problem is; I have to learn pig language.

Maybe time to suggest (concerned and lovingly to all the three of the family) that an arbitator maybe a family doctor or child specialist. advise what is best for little A.who has indeed been fostered and seperated from that home unit for a large part of her little life.
do this officialy so notes are taken and kept.
maybe your son could be advised you are doing this for A's good and for the reason...do this before A shows seperation anxiety symptoms.wet beds etc..
My bet is she is ...and sooner rather than later.
A voice on the phone is not enough...nor a letter she cannot not yet read.
also you could start a diary..later she will read it will you..and see in retrospect your love..sorrow and how disempowered you are.For now.

is there a church connection..the wife may listen to a pastor.Still back it up with paper work.
Any educated child worker would recommend a secure transition for A.This did not happen and as this couple settle again together they would benifit from time alone and A. being safely with you.

Also do keep doing things for you...massage..even if you cry (cathartic) and sailing..WOW.
The important lady is A. The important time is soon.

Taking a whole differnt stance...The wife will still be coming down to Planet Earth since the Games.Adjusting to home life.May have regrets at her abscence from A. May be so angry at herself that she is not rational.Could be turning that wrongly into hostility toward you.So much for her to unravel.
So I think you are right to be concerned.
Love Mountain ash

What a mess, and why does it seem to be that the bit_hes are running the world???

Edelweiss, I am so sorry that it has turned out this way for your granddaughter. Just pray and believe, for everything to work out the best for your granddaughter. I will be praying too!

Can you ask your son what is your DIL's favorite meal? My next move would be to invite them over for dinner and cook them a feast. But when they come over, try not to mention anything about "A" being separated from you. I wouldn't bring this up at all.

Then, the following week have them come over for your son's favorite. While DIL is over, try to get to know her and find out what her life was like growing up. The only way you'll understand a person is by getting to know their life as a child.

Chatty, you can say that again.

Diamond thank you for thinking of me and "A" in your prayers. I’m so upset about this. For the first time in my life I’m taking anti-depressant drops, because I can’t fathom how I have been used and now shunned. I have never spoken a bad word to my DIL; not once. There is no reason for her to shut my husband and me out of our grandchild’s life like this; other than she is sickly jealous.

AdornmentsMilani, your suggestions are good. We have our family over reg. to barbeque. Four days after they picked up “A” at the airport, ( directly from our vacation), they came over for a nice dinner, and then packed all her things. The mother slept almost all afternoon, and didn’t participate at all with us. “A” was in the pool with her father, we played Frisbee and hide and go seek, while the mother slept in the living room easy-chair.

I also know about my DIL’s background. Yes her childhood explains some things. She was partially brought up by her grandmother, never had a father, and her mother had 5 children, each from another man. We payed for their wedding, including her wedding gown and everything that goes with it.

My DIL has two faces. One is a charming and sweet loving nature. This face captured all of out hearts, and we could understand our son falling in love with her. But then the other face slowly came to shine. She says what people want to hear; to get what she wants. She is cunning and clever, and it is all about her. Although she knew after 3 months that she would not make the Olympic team, she still stayed at the camp to play with the ‘chosen’ team for a year and a half…at all our costs, and mainly at her daughter’s cost.

I can’t seem to get out of this slump on my own. Maybe this is what a grieving mother feels like. Hopefully these drops will help me, and being able to share with all of you helps me more than you can know.… Lola sent me a beautiful phrase, which I can relate to; "...[you may not have grown under my heart but, you most certainly grew and live in it."

I know there isn't much to say or do about this. I thank you all for just hearing me vent, and in a way I feel abit selfish thinking of all the horrible things going on with the hurricane victims. So I guess this is just a little grain of sand compared to everything else.

We all have our "grains of sand" EW. They are important to us, just as the other horrible things going on. Together all of the grains make a beach. So, not to worry. I've refrained from posting here simply because I felt I would say too much or be too harsh on the DIL.

Anything I would say about her has already been said. In my heart, I feel it is just a matter of time before she finds a way to leave again; your son, "A" and anything else that smacks of responsibility. Sleeping in a chair while your love ones have a BBQ isn't exactly the actions of a stable person, or a happy one.

She's a time bomb. I worry for little A. I hope your son is taking good notes.

I also feel that he has to step up to the plate and realize how much of your life you and hubby have given for them, for A. She may treat you like dirt, but there's no excuse for him to do so. Withdrawing your love and attention from the child is cruelty to all concern, A, you/hubby, and the son. She knows what she is doing and personally, I think she is psychotic.

It probably won't be long before she pulls some other drama. People like her cannot remain the status quo because she is anything but a loving mother.

My heart just breaks for all of you. It's a shame the other siblings can't step in and help. Come to think of it, do you have other children? I can't recall, to be quite honest.

At any rate, time will tell.

You know how much I love you, Edelwiess, and have refrained from writing here because I am so partial. I am going to try, however.

I work with parents much like your SIL. They have poor role models for mothers, and often grandmothers. They are not raised to understand good parenting.

Some of the children I work with have one or two positive role models in their lives. They are the luckiest of the lot. They are like A.

Perhaps your son could suggest counceling for your SIL. Maybe marriage or family counseling. At the very least, maybe your son would go to counseling on his own.

I don't know if even you know, if you want to raise A or if your son is ready to raise her on his own. My gut tells me that day will come, when a decision like that must be made. Please consider all the alternatives in advance.

I don't know, I think I am simply rambling. Maybe something here, in my attempt at being impartial, will help.

EW, I don't have anything to suggest but want you to know I have been following your posts.. Grandchildren are precious and our control(for lack of a better word) is so limited at times. Thank God you are involved to know and see what is going on. I feel your pain.

The one good thing is A is starting school which will give her time away from her selfish mother, having kids her own age to play with is a good thing.

Edelweiss, I've been following your latest saga and agree with all that's been said. I, too, believe it's just a matter of time before the dil bolts. I do hope, like others, that your son is not only taking good notes but keeping a very, very close eye on your beautiful Anaiya. Things will surely come to a head and I know you're prepared. Consider all angles. I'm rooting for you!

Hi gals.

I just got the answer from my son. They don’t want me to see A for who knows when; Thanksgiving, maybe Christmas? I don’t know. He also doesn’t want me to phone and talk to her, because she cries non- stop afterwards every time.

Once again I suggested that we should do the transition slowly, It may not be too late. He didn’t want to hear any of it, and accused me of trying to take control just because I miss her. This is my DIL talking through his mouth.

Anno, my dear friend, you suggested my son and DIL get family counselling. They are too arrogant for that. Never in the world would they admit they need help, or may be doing this all wrong. You are so right about considering the alternatives. But nothing is in our hands anymore. I really don’t hope that the DIL bolts, like ladyjane said, ( Hi ladyjane,…so good to see you around again.), but chick knows too…our ‘control’ is so limited.

Your right chatty, the Kindergarden is the best thing for her, and she loves it. She cries when her mother wants to pick her up.

As for me, I am feeling stronger about this whole thing, and don’t need those anti-depressant drops anymore. Jeez, they made me so tired. So life goes on, la la la…and I want to start delving into my books. Can’t wait!

Love and hugs to all of you…..
(((((((((( my dear Boomer friends))))))))))

Edelweiss, the one thing to remember here is that many of the women here have suffered through horrific childhoods and have come through as normal as possible. They may have some bad memories but hopefully newer, happier mamories will cloud the bad ones. A, has you and always will have you and she is luckier than most. I will keep her in my prayers and you as well, and yes get to that book, the world needs to read it and see your genius...

And, according to all I know about early childhood, she has bonded with someone that loves her deeply. Even if it was not her mom, she felt love and she gave love. If it should ever happen that she does not remember you by the next time she sees you, she will always know that bond. It will do her well in life.

I agree Anno
All love showered on a little one is absorbed.Working with school starters just letting them feel secure and familar stood them in good stead.Formal learning came later.
Like a home built on good foundations a child will cope.And the time EW you have spent is so valuable.
Mountain ash

Hej E! I´ve read thru all the posts..and I can´t help but feel for you so much! The longing..the quiet..the stillness..and everything that is behind it at the moment.

Maybe you should delve in your books, sweetheart..because I still think that this is far from the end of the story. It´s all to erratic..unstable..everything that is coming from your son´s home. I think there are big problems brewing there..behind the closed doors..and when they erupt..they will be calling for you again..Analaya will be calling for you. And it will be up to you and your husband to decide what is right for the 2 of you and Analaya.

So..relax..breathe out..breathe in..slowly..fully..because your time will come again. All the signs are there..don´t you think?

Lots of angel hugs to you all!

It’s so heart warming to see you all still posting here.

Hi Humlan, haven’t heard from you in a while…but I got to catch up as well with all posts. I just did that breathing thing…it really helps. I think I do breathe irregularly when I’m upset. I just realized that.

Chatty your post was very comforting. You are right, many of the women here have overcome much worse things in their childhood.

I am feeling better lately too, because like Anno and MA said…we gave "A" the love she needed. She has such a bubbly sweet personality, and is truly a bright child. So I am begining to realize that with time she will be all right. Your words have helped me see this.

We have had frost here! It's insane. So we are doing inside things and redecorating a couple of rooms. haha

EW, I've just read this whole post through for the first time. Just a few thoughts... your DIL sounds sick. I wouldn't spend time owrrying that you won't see A for months. I can almost guarantee you that you'll see her sooner. There's no way her mom will be able to keep it together for that long. She'll need a break. This may sound odd, but if I were you, I'd try to check A's body for bruises when you see her. The mom sounds abusive and she's only been with A for such a short period of time. IS she now a stay at home mom? I'd also keep a journal of all this because you may need it in the future.

You are wise to take anti-depressants because this is very sad and heartbreaking. Keep taking care of yourself.

While reading this, I was thinking it would nave been helpful for you to be on the NABBW Empty Nest call yesterday. Much of what you're experiencing is similar. You are grieving the loss of your grandchild.

But if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much. I have a feeling it won't be too long and she may be back in your care. Are you ready for that?

Like jj said, one who sleeps at a family gathering is not well. Does she have many long hours alone with A? Is your son still traveling?

I will keep all of you in my prayers. I'll pray for your son to stand up to her, for her heart to soften and to grow into motherhood, and I'll pray for you and your hubby to lighten up and make the most of each day in spite of your sadness. I'll also pray that whatever you choose to do will be in the best interest of A.

Thank you Dotsie for your prayers. You are right on all accounts. I don't understand my son. He has so much back bone when he talks to me, but he's puddy in his wife's hands.

I have made a decision...I am letting go, and moving on. And I'm concentrating on people that treat me right and don't make me unhappy;...family or no family...It's the ones who treat you with respect and truly care;...Those are the people that matter.

One thing; … all this has bonded my husband and me closer together. So I suppose there are blessings in everything that happens, even if those blessings are hidden at first.

People who dont make you unhappy.
YES
and bonding again is wonderful and fulfilling for you both.

I live like this Edelweiss and life is as stress free as I can make it.
You still love the wee girl..and you did sterling work with her.
Mountain ash

Exactly what I chose to do. I've basically become a recluse.

DIL - she is a hurting person. To me, she sounds like someone who has been seriously rejected and hasn't learned how to cope with it. What appears to be withdrawal (sleeping at a family gathering, a family who loves together, something she's never truly had for herself) and self-preservation (seeming selfish and spoiled) could very well be her attempts at coping with the emotions she, herself, is experiencing. Not making the Olympics probably pricked deep rooted feelings of rejection. She's not been taught how important she is as a person, not so much an athlete. Through athletics she gets the hormonal 'happy' rush she so desperately needs, plus a 'close knit family' of sorts.

Son - He is to leave his mother and father, and cling to his wife. He obviously loves her... is blinded by love... and in his turn, desperately needs a close family of his own making. He must bide DIL's feelings in hopes of keeping her. Support this. The truth will rise on its own. Simply say, "Son, I love you no matter what." As our children age, they see more clearly. And, even though they don't admit their seemingly childish thinking and ways, you know that they know as wisdom takes residence in their thinking and their attitude toward you, the parent - no longer the antagonist (as you may seem in their eyes at this stage).

A - love her from a distance, for the time being. She has become a pawn. It needs to be made clear by your actions (to your DIL and son) that you will not allow this - no matter how it hurts personally. For DIL, A is a symbol of "I've got something that someone else wants" compounded by the 'rejection' she must feel from her child wanting you and your hubby so badly, playing on the rejection of her past life events. When you brought A to the states it might have scared DIL (and your son) beyond reason. Their actions of late may be their knee jerk reactions to the fear of a realizable loss. Something my therapist told me, after I explained to her how much I wanted my parents' love and how hurt that, after I'd squashed all past feelings to get it, they still seemed to not SEE or LOVE me. I wanted to feel loved by them before their rapidly approaching deaths. The therapist told me I could chase and chase but never catch. AND If I stopped chasing, they'd stop running enough to see why I was no longer chasing. At that point, if I was unavailable, they would start a 'chase' from their end to seek me out, missing my chase. Her advice to me was not to pick up my chase again, but to be at a place in myself not to need to chase. What I've quoted from you (above) is where I am because of what the therapist said to me. BUT, it's a lonely place, because I find that even those who love you will make you unhappy at times.
My own withdrawal and selfish self-stroking (as described in reference to your quoted words) may appear as something unreasonable to some, while in actuality, it's my way of trying to cope.

EVERYONE is trying to survive in this (what seems a) God forsaken world.

These are my opinions and not expected to be taken as the truths by anyone else. Just thought I'd add my take.

I pray for nothing less than happy endings for all in this trying life lesson.

Wow there must be an epidemic going on! I too have pulled away from my dear son and DIL and there kids. They have separeted and each call me asking, whos right ma? Like I'd be dumb enough to get in the middle of that. I did tell them I was thoroughly ticked off that NO one ever calls me unless they need me for sometrhing and I am sick to death of that. Either be there for me as i am for you when its needed or go away and stay away, i have had it. So besides you all and a few social friends here in town I may as well be a hermit. Not fun but at least I can sleep peacefully at night, and another reason I want to move far away from here. I guess the saying is right, we come into this world naked and alone and will go out the same way...

ChattyLady you are one GRAND LADY and a hoot to boot

And I agree with you all here..sincerely. But don´t forget to "wait" or put yourself on "stand by" mode for your kids. They are in the busiest time of their lives right now..and life is very very high powered and high speed today..much more than when we had our kids. So maybe they are just in a whirlwind of responsibilties..and therefore, they sometimes don´t act as they should..don´t get to that phone call to you..or maybe they overreact because they are so stressed out..feeling like robots. And yes, maybe they are making what you see as big mistakes. Hand on heart..you never blew it with your parents when you were in the midst of your child raising years? I sure did..still do..eventho my kids are have all flown the coop now (boo hoo ). And I have followed some paths during those years that were a BIG MISTAKE..I can see that now..not then, I didn´t have the time.

So..draw your boundry lines..make your point..but wait for them..stand by..they just might come back..in time. Hopefully before we croak..I know

with Love! Peace! and Understanding!

And all this is just a thought..an opinion, from yours truely.

This is one of those threads where I think a book is in here somewhere.

Got to quote you again MA "life is as stress free as I can make it." Yes yes...that is what we all have to do for ourselves. Bravo Gims and Chatty for recognizing not to chase, but to care for your own souls. I am in that transition period right now. It is a learning experience not to chase those I love. I try to keep myself busy, but sometimes it wells up inside, and I ask myself "why", and especially "am I not worth more to them?" I have to stop questioning. Stop feeling unjustly treated, and just be my own best friend.

Humlan, you are right. Our adult children are in a busy time of their lives, but hey...it's no excuse to be rude and arrogant to those that love you. I’m a pretty busy lady myself. No matter how hard I try, I can find no excuse for my DIL's behaviour. Her b- day is today. I honestly don't know what to do. I didn't send her a card, and I don't think I will call. For then I am doing what Gims said,...”chasing”...or am I being as bad as she is? Ugh.

Chatty are you really as strong as you sound? You know, I think it’s also because we ladies tick differently. We take the time to think how is the other person really feeling? We are more compassionate and giving. And because we are that way, we expect it in return. So it is all about our expectations, right? Okay, now that I just self analyzed this, how do we lower our expectations to avoid disappointments?

We don't, EW... because we'd be a 'lesser' us.
I don't think being 'busy' is a good excuse, either. Like you said, you are busy, but you took the time to mother their child - not a small thing! You have every right to feel slighted, because you have been. I wish you could get away to come to the states again so we could all go have a drink or two... as a night of friends, not to get soused . Hang in there! and we'll hang with you. I understand what you're feeling. I watched a grandson and granddaughter on the spur of a moment week before last. When my daughter came to collect them, she busily gathered up their overnight things, rushed them out the door and I was still telling her what we had done. I found it rude, even though I know she didn't mean it to be... but I let my speech fade as she walked further down the walk to her car. I guess it hurt the worst because if felt as if she didn't have time for me - after I had given close to 48 hours up to support her needs. I felt slighted, AND, like you, had a right to feel that way. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm too convenient... but I love my grands soooo much and want them to know and love me too, I'll take what I have to.

Is there still time to send a card? belated I know.Tongue in check EW.
That puts the ball back in her court.
Otherwise she has new ammunition.And boy she wil feed that .
Only leave sending the card if in your core being you believe this is what you want.Not because it is like a swip at this girls behaviour.
I may be wrong.Just an idea.

.....I know its game playing and I dont do that in my life but all this is new and raw.And the child is the pawn.

Recently I was supporting a friend who had inlaw troubles.This was crunch time and I advised that she "keep herself in the right..act from a place that showed all she was above their behaviour." because she is a special caring person.We were with a church Minister who was giving support also.
She was congregant in her answer.
"No..I have done nothing wrong.They have.The clock cannot be turned back on how they behaved."
she was relocating and would not tell them she was going nor where.Leaving no address.Thats a big message.
Next day I contacted her.Told her I was wrong.she knew what she was doing but I had been "Devil's advocate" but only because I cared for her and the long term implications.
I had not walked in her shoes when over a long period they ignored needs she and her late husband had.Neglect that caused knock on effects.Yet asked and received financial help from the couple.
This allowed us to further discuss issues she had not shared and I continued to agree she was doing what was right for HER.

Have a happy weekend

MA, you were right. I put the ball back in her court and sent her a card. I feel better that I am not bending to her plan,...whatever that is.

Edelweiss, the good thing for little A, is that she has an immediate advocate, right there...her father...no matter, what happens.

Have you gotten back into your painting?

Yes Orchid, you're right. I just don't agree with how they handeled the new beginning. Many have said they think the mother won't last in her motherhood,... but I don't know if Hubby and I are willing to be "used" again, and then dropped like hot potatoes when not needed. uh uh...no more.

No, I haven't started to paint yet. I've been busy getting my website up to date. Even got a sale going...woohee.
While in the States, we discovered a gallery with the most impressive black and white photography. Hubby and I were so inspired, that we've started this new hobby, and are having a great time with it. How about you? Have you been painting since your art class?

Ooops, EW. I guess I am on the wrong track here..gotta think about what everyone wrote here. Maybe I am on the "right" track for me and the way I am? I know that I get walked on to some degree..at times..but then comes this wonderful kindness and "meeting" on a very deep level..and it all seems worth while for me..but that´s ME.

You asked me a question..so I´ll send this and then check out your question.

You have been badly treated, darling..and so has your hubby. I still think this, unfortunately, indicates there are alot of problems in your son´s home. I aincerely hope they will find their way.

ok..your question was about the card..and you sent her one. And it feels good for you. I guess that´s all the answer you need.

Lots of love, dear EW..and I sort of hope that everything mends one way or the other..your new hobby with your hubby sounds like fun!

EW, please tell us more about your black and white photos. Could you email me the site (if you don't want to put it here).

Hello my dear friends. I just read this thread through again. Gosh, I'm so lucky to have you all. Where is Mountain Ash and Gims? You are missed here you know.

The reason I got this thread up again is because my son called to tell us that the court has taken "A's" passport from her mother, (which she had hidden), and they have officially given our son the sole right to decide where his daughter shall live. This isn't sole custody;…not yet. First they have to do marriage counselling together, and if that doesn't work,…then my son will go for the sole custody thing.

So ladies, you were all right with your future forecasts. Just wanted to let you know. Love you all!

Hi Edelweiss

Thanks so much for updating us on what is happening. I'm so glad to hear the court is listening to your son...he sounds like an amazing man and father and advocate for "A". I'm holding your family in prayer as they walk through this challenging time.

Wow!!! Things are really happening, EW..and for the good it would seem.

Wishing you all only the best...

In some ways it is saddest of all for the child at this time.

While the mother is not the best mother (Was my mother? No, she yelled at us alot and could hve praised us abit more often. But we turned out ok.), there is always the possibility she will become..a better mother in the future over time, via a very hard lesson at this time of her marriage when now the court is now involved. AFter all, unless I have misunderstood facts or don't know further details, the mother does not have drug addiction nor disabling mental illness that renders her not quite cognizant of caring for another human being.

What I am trying to say, does not diminish your role, EW at all. It is hoped that if little A. lives with you for awhile, that the arrangement will be open and trusting with the mother for visits, etc.

The child is aware of her mother and vice versa. There is already an established bond, no matter what the quality of the maternal-child bond is. As a daughter grows older, particularily if the child already looks part black,/Afro-American, it does help for her own identity as a woman conscious of her roots (she will become to be seen by many strangers and loved ones as part-black), to know of her mother in a positive way.

Before people here take offense, I say with acute knowledge that I have 2 sisters, who each have half-Chinese children because their husbands are Caucasian. For well-rounded, healthy children to grow into healthy adults in mind and spirit, it really helps the child as a result of biracial unions, know positively both birth parents. I see this in my 24 yr. niece and her 22 yr. nephew now.

The best example is famous now: Barak Obama. His own healthy sense of being an American citizen, biracial and comfortable in his own skin/identity.

Saying prayers nightly for A and her pops and you and A's grandpa too. Hopefully this can soon be resolved so this dear child can once and for all know where she belongs.

Thanks Mama Red, Humlan and Chatty for your prayers and well wishes.

Orchid, you have hit a nerve with me. Quite frankly, I really am not sure what is the best for our granddaughter. You were so right about the identity thing, That will most surely come up. Obama was raised by his white grandparents, right? But from the reports I've seen, I think he identifies himself more with the Afro Americans. Maybe I'm wrong,…just seems that way.

Dotsie, how was it with your adopted children? How did you help them identify with their roots? Or was it even necessary?

"A" may even resent us for taking her away from her mother. This is what I most fear. What confuses me to no end is that the mother hardly did anything with her daughter;…not till she got a court order limiting her living quarters to where she lives now. My son was afraid she may "flee" with her daughter, she constantly threatened to do so. Only since then, -about 3 weeks ago, did she even show interest in her child. My son claims she is doing this just for show. But still, now the bonding is probably there…so I don't know what to think. Of course I would prefer their family to function and that "A" lives with her parents. But this is all out of our hands anyway. It's my son that wants to go this route. But if it should be decided that she return to us, - at this point, I know little "A" would be the happiest little girl in the world. When we do see her; she begs and cries to come back to her Oma and Opa.

Still, I am hoping that the marriage counselling may help. Do I sound confused? I am.

EW, no words of advice here or opinion--only that I hope the best interest of A is served in the end. I know if your hand, and that of your loving husband, is involved at all, it will be.

I'm praying for all of you. Including the mother.

You sound confused because it is confusing, and only time will tell what is best. I'm guessing patience is what you need right now. However, I hope you continue to be in touch with her by phone and visits.

EW, I'm sorry to say that we really didn't do a whole lot to keep our kids in touch with their roots. We made attempts when they were little, but they weren't very interested. We adopted them through Catholic Charities. They offer a Homeland Tour to Korea annually. It's still something I dream about doing with my daughter, but my son has no interest. It won't be this year though, because Ross is taking her to Hawaii in June to celebrate her 21st birthday. Any time Ross asked the kdis where they wanted to go for vacation, Jess always said, "Hawaii." He'd reply, "One of these days I'm going to take you to Hawaii." He's a man of his word so they are going for five days, which is a rather quick trip, but they will make the most of it for sure.

Ew, please know your son and his family, and you and your hubby are often in my thoughts and prayers. I wish A's mom would grow up and recognize all that she has. I'm afraid she will , but it will be too late.

Oh Edelweiss...it is confusing, isn't it? It seems these things are rarely, if ever, cut and dried! And oh how I wish they could be. And wouldn't it be nice, at least at times, to have a crystal ball to know what is best for each person? I know that we're not "supposed" to question and sometimes I do, especially when I read about this type of situation.

My prayer for today: "May all be to the highest and best of each involved."

Know I'm sending prayers for you and your entire family, including your DIL, who definitely has a problem if she can't see the amazing blessings she has right in front of her. Please know, that doesn't mean I agree with what she has done! Far from it!

My dear EW, my heart is breaking for you. You've been through so very much with this situation. I can't imagine how much you are missing A. Those two parents need to grow up and begin thinking of their child first.

Sweetie I agree with what everyone has said. It's confusing for you and knowing just the right thing to do is one of the hardest things to do. But I know you'll make the right choice and it will all work out in the end. I am sure you raised a fine son so this must be from the DIL.

You have my prayers and good wishes for your and your darling A, hubby, son and dil. Please know that I will be thinking of you so often praying that you will be allowed to see your little one. Chin up, dear one.

When Obama walks around ever since he was a baby, society saw him as black simply because of his skin tone. As well all know, there are different shades of 'black'. So it's not surprising IF Obama instinctively might feel more 'black' than white. No matter how many times he repeated himself to others to explain his biological roots and upbringing.

And 'A' will have to do this explanation when she is asked or whenever someone might make a remark..for the rest of her life also. Just like my nieces and nephew. (There is a baby Eurasian niece that another sister has. She's only going to be 1 yr. old).

It might be wise EW, never to be overly defensive of 'A' to her mother. Otherwise there might be an unpleasant surprises/perceptions from 'A' who will initiate and be reaching for her mom over time when she becomes a young, independent woman.

Keeping in touch with "roots" or identity, may be expressed also by the friends that a biracial child likes to hang out with. Or changes in the social circle of close friends. It doesn't have to be about practicing certain customs, understanding certain cultural jokes nor visiting ancestral homeland.

Dotsie, Hawaii is probably way more diverse, way more Asian than Maryland. I've been there and have read much about Hawaii's history and its ethnic groups over time. Also over time there are have been alot of mixed marriages and interracial children. It is possible that many Asian-Americans would feel immediately more at home in that lovely tropical state compared to ie. the U.S. Midwest or Northern U.S.

Most likely for your Korean-American son, Dotsie he may subconsciously want to learn of his background...in the next few decades on his own. who knows maybe not until he's in his 50's. These things do happen... And the interest will be expressed through avenues that were not so obvious. It is also possible neither children will tell you directly of much, since if they know they are well-loved, they would be afraid to hurt you, by telling you, their adopted mother.

For your Korean-American children, I hope one day they will find the pieces of their past in enjoyable way. It is possible they would connect better with Koreans born in U.S. who are more westernized and speak the slang, etc. Even if it's only food, and less deeper stuff of cultural history. I'm sure that alone would be a pleasure to see as a parent.

Sorry Ew, I got off track on that soapbox.

Best thing that Oma can do, is give A a good sense of self-respect, compassion and fun, tempered with accountability for her own actions. Just like Oma.

Dotsie, I think that is a compliment to your parenting. You have given your children enough identity for them to feel comfortable being "just" Americans, without having any further desire to seek their birth roots. And what a wonderful father Ross is to take his daughter to Hawaii. That's something she will never ever forget as long as she lives.

I'm so touched that you all understand that I'm pretty mixed up. Thank you for letting me know, JJ, Sandpiper, Dotsie and Orchid.

It feels so good to vent here. I can recommend it to all of you. Doesn't matter what's eating at you…this is a healing place.

Oh and Orchid, your last post made me blush. Thank you.

Read thru your thread here, EW..where I left off..and just want to let you know that I am thinking of you..and what is going on.."confused" is usually a good place to be in..it kind of helps you clean the slate..rock your boat..and perhaps set out in a new direction..in time..and that could be good.

I agree with the thought that a mom is always a mom..no matter how hopeless or successful she may be..and perhaps..just perhaps..you should tread carefully there..because little daughters become bigger girls/women..and maybe..just maybe..start longing for what is theirs. But on the otherhand..i think..there are no rules in relationships..each is so unique and different when everything comes around in the circle of life.I sound like some "old witch" stirring her brew and speaking her "wisdom" in the mists take it for what it is.. humlan´s ramblings as usual!

Good luck! And hugs..

orchid, I appreciate your thougths and comments about my chldren. I really do. And I agree with you about my son, and also my daughter researching thier roots later in life. I have this feeling that should my son marry, it might be with his wife that he begins his search. Maybe around the time he has children, if he does. I'm hoping to do my daughter's search with her. It's one of my dreams becasue i think she would embrace meeting her birth mother, especially. She was also with a foster mom for a couple months. She arrived in Korea at three months so she wasn't with her for long. We have a picture of her with her foster mother, and when she was young, she loved that photo. It's framed and in her room. Due to the regulations of foreign adoption, I believe she could meet the foster mother, but probably not her birth mother.

I've read a lot about foreign adoption; about the kids who are adopted and how they often feel that need to connect with their birth parents. I totally get it, and it often saddens me that my kids haven't had, and may never be able to have that connection. My heart also aches for thier birth mothers and fathers.

Sorry to hijack the thread.

Your heart is big Dotsie.

They will explore more on their own time. And they will each come back and tell you the stories /snippets over time. Maybe one day ..do something to express it.. a video/photo exhibit, fusion cooking, etc.

EW--what a saga. It seems like your son and DIL's lives are taking their natural course. Luckily the court there has some sense. I don't know that US courts are as rational but this isn't the place to talk about that. Anyway, young humans are very resiliant, and certainly A will become stronger through it in the end, especially as she has a strong figure like yourself in her life. Her mother's experience is part of who she is. She'll definitely need you around in coming years to help her negotiate that relationship. One of the benefits, and maybe burdens too, of being grandparents is we have the capacity to see the end in the beginning -- it's a burden because it we can see potential peril in every moment, because we can foresee a possible outcome and want to protect. But the benefit is that you know A will become a woman and has already bonded with you so it's a bond you can build on. And as others have said, you can hunker down and be patient. What's a decade, after all? Seems like nothing at our age.

Dotsie -- Where I lived in the Chicago area when my older kids were little, there was a family who'd adopted an Eskimo (Inuit) girl. I baby sat for her when she was little, and she babysat my kids when she was older. Her family was Jewish. Her mom was a good woman but rather self centered and overbearing, and she didn't really understand the needs of this daughter. It's a predominantly white Christian area, and in high school the girl became Presbyterian and dyed her hair blonde, desperately trying to "fit in."

In her 20s she started trying to contact her birth mother and sent letters to small towns in Alaska. A local paper there did a story about it, and they ended up flying her out there for a reunion with her mother. Well, it was a nightmare --the birth mom was a terrible alcoholic, very immature, and actually threatened and accused her. It was a very sobering experience (no pun intended) to say the least.

In the end, she grew to understand her adoptive parents more, and never really said more about her "origins."

EW -- Obama identifies as both. One problem he had during the campaign was being accused of not being "black enough." Race is such an odd thing. It's one of the cool things about sites like this is that we have a meeting of the minds, without knowing what each other looks like, what are our colors and disabilities, etc.

orchid, due to your posts, I'm going to be more alert to my adoptive children and their heritage. Thank you. That's if they're interested, or when they're interested.

DJ, I've read about similar search stories. Fortunately, our kids are already young adults so I think they are much better able to psychologically handle a search at this time or later in life. How is Jewish today? Do you still stay in touch?

LOL Dotsie =her name is Tanya, she was raised by Jewish parents.
She's actually had a rough go of it, has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, had problems with drugs and drinking, had a gay marriage, then a hetero marriage. I was in touch with her regularly but now every so often, though my mom goes to her same dentist and gets the latest updates. But she started having these issues in late adolescence and probably does have biploar illness or severe depression. She also has older siblings, the bio children of her parents, who are "perfect" in every way.

That was cute, Dotsie. You thought her name was Jewish? That made me chuckle.
DH, I quote you and soooo agree.
Yes, we're sort of like brains in separate glasses...conversing with one another. Lol …That's not my idea, I stole it from some crazy book I once read.

When I was 26 years old, I found out by accident that my father was adopted. Why he never told his children, I don't know. We were stunned. We got curious and started to investigate, but without any results. Actually I like to fantasize. My Dad usually called me his little gipsy. Hmmm,…. I wonder why?

DH, you have made some brilliant comments about being a grandparent, and seeing everything more or less over a decade. How very true. Last night I awoke because I thought I heard " A" calling me. This happens a lot. But the strange thing is; - she called me this morning at 8:00, something her parents never allow her to do, and the first thing she said was, Oma I love you and pray all day for you. OMG… I could choke up.

EW why wouldn't you have some type of psychic link, many couples have and id say more between adults and kids biological or not. I did with my male boy A that iv spoken about for about 1.5 yrs, i have it with L to this day well obviouslie when hes at school of playhut a few times iv been right to go get him earlie not that anything bad was happening just he needed me.
We may be seperated by time and distanses but in matters of the hart energie or the soul we are all linked in the strangest of ways its just a matter of relising that and allowing it to be....but don't fall foul to your fear at same time and becouse your harts in your mouth becouse of A then think she in danger, if you know what i mean (i hope you do).

iv just read this from start to finish as this happend in my MIA mounths, i had wondered what had happend in september with the olympics and "!was it worth it" i can't belive she stayed when she wase't on the team! yea what a atmosphire to be around but first and formost as mums we have to be parents, in my view anyway. I still rember the debate about weather it was good or bad she "got to live her dream" if onlie we know the truth!

This storie of your grandoughters one close to my hart on manie levels i can identifie, my A bveing taken and given to his biological parents, i was in imidiate shock and so was he for awhile then as i think you found out little A found some of her owen strenth (yep even at that young an age, iv even seen it with lucien with his seperation anxieties I know A must have went through it)

i kinda missed the part which was written elswear about why the court intervined (took A's passport) but i surmise the marriage must have disintegrated. Weer did you right about that and i go read up on it?!

one thing thats been said consistantlie heer and has been proven true is that historie repeats itself to some degree and the being a mum "just for show" ends up with holes all through it that are clearlie seen eventulie.

i hope some of those holes can be mended for your DIL sake and for A sake. If they can't or those holes are too big, then i trulie whish the best course of action be taken on behalf of little A, and the DIL just cope with the outcome.

Hows your son in all this? as you said he loved and was often blinded by his love regarding your DIL hows he doing?

Have they split up has it gone a stage further than just a need for counselling. Iv just read about how your christmass is going go ie you going to theri house and now it makes sense the goings on on christmass day. I hope i am not being too nosie and if you do not want to repeat it all just give me the link either publicalie or privatlie and i go read up myself.

i didn't know it was like this for you at this time and i trulie feel for your pain, keep your chin up.

DJ, I thought that was an unusual name. I'm laughing at myself here. Some people just have a tough go at life. It's so sad.

EW, you must be carrying her in your thoughts while sleeping. I do the same when I'm worried about them. The split second I wake up, they're still on my mind. It's exhausting.

To hear a little one say they pray for you is beyond adorable. I think you're creating a sweet soul within her.

celtic, I can relate to your connection to L. Parents have a second sense when it comes to our kids. I think it's one of God's gifts. You are so in tune with L, you know his mood when you leave him, and I'm sure that aids in considering when he needs you.

yea and when to leave him, push him or cradle him.

i also think its common amounst parents and kids or amonst any adult with a strong conection to a child.

i also waqs a little moved by A saying she was praying for them, thers is something beyond sweet in that and also what a wise wee soul

I just have to share with you ladies the good news.
"A" stayed at our house over the weekend. It was a wonderful precious time. And the best part was,…no tears when we dropped her off at her Kindergarden in Muenich! Her mother picked her up a couple of hours later. And "A" ran into her mother's arms, telling her all about her weekend with us and how nice it was.
I tell you, 100 tons have been lifted from my shoulders.
As for my son and DIL they are going to marriage counseling, and it seems to be helping;…at least a teeny weeny bit. So maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
The main thing is our little "A" is her sunshiny self again, as you can see in the photo. Oh happy days. I don't need anything else for Christmas.

That is GREAT news! I know you've heard it from all of us before, but she is one beautiful little girl! And again, she's lucky she has you for stability.

EW, I'm celebrating with you and your good news. I'm so glad to hear they are in counseling becasue often, one will agree and the other won't. This is great news.

And isn't it the truth? Who needs anything material when you can have peace within your heart.

EW..WOW she certainly looks like she's laughing the laugh of angels!!!

I am sooooo happy for all of you...and it's a good sign that they are doing marriage counseling. It seems as tho they care about making it work!!!??

Merry Christmas ..with your best gift of all in your heart!!!!

I'm in the middle of wrapping Xmas gifts, but decided to take a peek in the forum. Hey Humlan, you posting from the States? That's cool!!! Got to check if you posted elsewhere. I'll see you around.
Thank you all for being happy with me.

Oh EW, what a beautiful child she is. Just her smiloe and those sparkling eyes tell a story. For her and for your sake I hope all works out well. I can't stop looking at her precious little face...

EW...I've spent the last twenty minutes reading this forum from start to finish...What I've 'seen' in the readings of all the posts from all the women here is a gathering of arms that stretched around the world to embrace another woman who was in such pain. EW, you began with sorrow, with sadness, then shock, then anger, then resentment, then hopelessness, then dispair. I could feel every emotion you displayed through your words and with each additional response I felt a coming together that is usually not felt in ones family...only here have I ever felt/seen this kind of support for anyone in pain such as this and others. This is a place to find peace and those who speak from experience or who simply wish to comfort are truly the wind of hope beneath the wings of dispair.
EW, I am so happy to hear that the course your son, DIL and little A are on is slowly being less crooked and troubled. They're trying and you're included and A is happy, again. You are the most perfect example for your granddaughter about never giving up. Look at what you went through with your husband long, long agao. I remember the struggles you fought through and the strength that it took to make it through. You are probably my biggest hero and my greatest inspiration of hope. In a private message to you about something I'm going through, you gave me wise advice and it comes from your own experience and wisdom. It comes from a woman who never gives up even at the darkest of times...you, my dear friend, have a strength that is unshakable and whoever is lucky enough to have you love them...well, all I can say is I can understand why little A responded the way she did at being pulled away from you. My God, woman, do you understand truly how special you are to all of us? How much we need you in our lives? And how by the responses from these awesome women here, I would not have been surprised to hear that all of them had boarded a plane to Germany to fight on your behalf. What a sight that would be, eh?
I certainly don't have any advice to give on this subject...there's nothing I could say that would be better than what's been said...what's comforting to know is that the outpouring of support and love on this site is like nothing I've ever witnessed ever in my life and I dare say will ever see anywhere else.
Give that darling child a hug for me and then put your arms around yourself and sqeeze once for me to you...and keep holding that beautiful, strong chin of yours high. Keep it high so you can continue to teach little A how to handle life when it gets rough...she's learning from the best teacher she could possible have...her Oma. No one will ever take your place in her heart...no one.
Take care, sweetheart.

Dee, your post gave me a rapid exchange of goose-bumps, blushing, giggling, and welling up. Jeez…menopause is nothing compared to this. I'm just glad I wasn't listening to sentimental music while reading, or I would have been howling like a lap dog.


Yes Dee, it's incredible. Everyone's posts on this thread, have been a balsam for my soul. I'm so blessed to be a part of this wonderful forum, which has become my life line in so many ways. I can't thank you all enough for being there, just listening, and letting me vent. The compassion here and in many other threads is overwhelming. And it's a reason that I love this forum so much. I love all of you more than all the stars in the sky… something I said to little " A" every night,…and I mean this from the bottom of my heart for all my dear friends here as well.

If I can just return a little bit of the kindness that I have received from all of you over the years, then my happiness is complete.

I thank you all, and "A" thanks you too for making her Oma so happy. I swear, I got to work my bippy off in 2009 so that I can afford to rent a trailer and visit each one of you.

It has been quite a journey for you, Edelweiss! I'm happy things are moving in the right direction and pray they continue to do so. As Dee had mentioned, anyone loved by you is a most fortunate being. I know that personally, my dear friend!

Hey Edelweiss, maybe we can go dutch on that trailer?

EW, praying you enjoy your Christmas Eve with your family at your son's home. I hope Mom can keep up with you!

Oh, and please don't forget that you promised us photos of the doll house. I can't wait to see A playing with it.

Edelweiss, I am so happy for you. I want you to know that I have thought of you often and hold you in my heart daily while I have been absent.

What a wonderful Christmas present. And, what a beautiful young kindergarterner. Bless you.

Oh EW...somehow I skipped this thread and was just reading throw many of the posts. What a precious amazing spirit ...you AND "A"! I'm soooooooooo thrilled to hear that things are turning around for all involved. What a gift, what a blessings, what a joy!!!!!!!!

I feel your pain! I am the grandmother of a beautiful little 6 year old granddaughter. Last year my daughter left her husband and came home. My "A" (really!) and I were inseparable. We have always been close and she knows that nanny is always there for her. Well, long story short, my daughter has lost her mind and the child's father is an evil sociopath. They have kept her from me, have broken me financially and emotionally and have put me in a position of having to battle for "A" in court. The laws for kids are awful! No one listens to them or looks out for them. I am angry, hurt, broken-hearted and don't know where to turn. We raise our children with values and love and when they turn around and hurt us through our children it is twice the pain. I hope your situation changes soon and I know how hard this is for you. I was immediately drawn to you from the title of your post. If anyone knows how to help us grandmothers who just want the best for our grandkids- PLEASE let us know. the pain is unbearable.

Welcome Wendyangell and I am sorry we meet in such a sad state of affairs. I truly hope things turn out well for you and your A.
Keep us posted and even if there is little we can do, we can listen and share your feelings. Hugs from a boomer sister.

Wendyangell, welcome to BWS. Glad you chose to jump in and share.

Have you Googled grandparent's rights? It might help to know what rights you have in this painful situation. I'm sure there's soemthing about this online since so many boomers are going through similar situations.

Dear Wendy,

I know how to help grandmothers who just want the best for their grandkids. Share your pain with the wonderful boomer ladies here. Vent and think out loud. It truly helps you see more clearly, and as DJ stated in her post, you must try to see over a decade.

My situation has changed because I have changed. I have learned to let go. I have learned not to fret over what I can not change. This took a long time and I still have downfalls,… but it was this attitude that helped me the most. You have to look out for yourself and mother your inner child as well. Your granddaughter will always know and feel the love you have for her. And when she is older and more independent she will understand and appreciate what you have been going through for her sake.

I hope and pray the best decision will be made for your grandchild’s sake.

I think EW is so right. A child will be better for the love given by special grandparents. Both 'A's will, I'm sure.

I love the thought of the kids grwoing up and being able to look back, recognizing who had thier best interest at heart.

Ross wad an incredible tie with his paternal grandmother. She adored him. She was the constant in his life while his parents married and divorced a couple times each. His parents also adored him, but they were busy moving around with different people. She was always there and was extremely stable and nurturing. Unfortunately, she died when he was 16, but I feel like her know her because of all the stories he's shared through the years.

I believe all we as parents and grandparents can hope for is to be remembered lovingly by our children and grandchildren. Thats the true fame I'd like in my life.

Hi Wendyangell,
Welcome to the boomers' site. I have a special place in my
heart for grandmothers. My maternal grandmother was the sweetest
person I've ever known. She went to be with the Lord in 1961;
but she lives forever in my heart. I'm sorry you're going through
this situation. It does sound terribly painful. There's a
prayer thread on this forum, and I know everyone of these ladies
would gladly pray for you. I just sent a prayer to Heaven for you. Dotsie's suggestion was a wise idea. Google grandmother's
rights and see what you can find. God Bless!

Edelweiss3,
A is so sweet and so are you. I pray everything will continue
to work out for the best for everybody involved. You're a neat
grandmother. Grandmothers' are neat people!

wendyangell,
Pray you're okay. Those evil sociopaths are so hard to deal with; and IMO the only way to overcome their nonsense, is through
prayer! Blessings,

Yes, we are!